Who's Going To Help Me?

In researching getting help for my abuse, I've discovered that there are a lot of resources (still not enough however) for survivors of violence, but not many for emotional abuse. I've called WEAVE and My Sister's House and I'm going to go through the intake process for both, I think, and see which works best for me. Those are the two of the resources that people have suggested.

I think I mentioned I started taking Prozac (fluoxetine) over the long weekend and it's not supposed to be working yet, though there are mixed accounts. I'm not sure if it's a placebo affect and I'm just feeling better because I'm actively looking to help myself and improve my thinking processes, or if my epiphany is what helped me feel calm enough to not sob uncontrollably when I called the resources for help.

I discovered that I was obsessing over my realization that I had been abused. I was angry. Not angry, I was filled with hate and self loathing. How could I let him do that to me for so long? How could I stay when he was so cruel to Son? How could I stay and let Daughter see him treat me that way? That's a horrible example for Kids. How could I let anyone treat me that way?

I am trying so hard to forgive myself. I hate him. I hate him and what he's done to me and Kids. I have never felt hate like this before and forgiving him is a hell of a long way off...and yet I still know that's where I want to be...at the very least I want to feel indifference when I think of Ex. Hate will fill you up and destroy you. I've been suffering and it's time to start letting those emotions go.

I've put off talking to my family and making self help calls because, god forbid, I fall apart publicly. One of my downfalls. DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS WHERE THEY CAN SEE YOU. Jesus. What on earth...but I know what happened to me. I hide my pain for a few reasons: one, it's not helpful for my children to see their mother falling apart, two, I'll be damned if that fucker (Ex) will ever see me weak again, and three, well, I don't ever want to appear weak to anyone, particularly anyone who could do anything to make me look weak or incapable of caring for myself or my children. I prefer to fall apart in private with my dogs. I have shared that part of me with Partner, and he has held me and encouraged me so many times now. He loves me unconditionally and non-judgementally, so I can feel safe falling apart with him. Showing him the true me. I am so thankful for him, and blessed.

He is the best man that ever walked into my life.

Wow. Babbling. The point is, I am seeking out help for myself again and pulling myself up by the bootstraps. Again. Because that's what I do. Fall apart, and pull myself together again.