"I've forgotten..."

I started a private blog a while back and wrote until I 'wasn't allowed' to blog anymore. My ex didn't like it, and being the doormat I was I stopped. I was so tied into pleasing him. I feel sorry for the me that was and pained that I let anyone treat me that way.

It was titled, "I've forgotten...", and I wrote it in January 2011.

"...what it's like to be adored. Truly, truly adored. I think I'm going through withdrawal from last night. It's really hard to be treated like a princess only to come home to moodiness and rejection. What can I do? I'm thinking a therapist who specializes in open marriages would be key. I'd like that. I want (ex) to get over his fucking THIS IS WRONG moods and relax. Maybe with time? He is better than he used to be. And I'm learning when and where not to talk to him. He told me he wanted to tell me something about what he likes. I'm curious to hear what it is because maybe then I'll have more self confidence about what I want to do. And more guidelines on doing what I want when I want within (ex's) comfort level. I'll ask him to tell me tonight. I feel better already. :) "

Note: After Ex brought up opening our marriage we started the discussions. Mostly to talk me into it. After I agreed to open up our marriage, every poly date I went out on was discussed with ex and agreed upon beforehand. Negotiated to death until he was satisfied with our open relationship 'rules', and to be honest what he could get out of me in payment for 'letting' me go. Thus my frustration and confusion about being 'punished' emotionally every time I came home from one. He would shun me. Not talk to me for days sometimes...just shoot me filthy looks like I was a child or a dog. The payment would usually be for me to tell him full sexual details (if there were any) about what I had let someone 'do to me', blow by blow, while ex was having sex with me. His kink was for me to have sex with other men. It shamed me (and oddly enough, shamed him into begging ME for forgiveness, over and over again...almost immediately after he came) making me feel like a whore...a discussion we had much later which caused him to shun me again, for a longer period this time, and was the straw that broke the camel's back that kick started the anxiety attacks I had when I really started to consider leaving him again. I tried to leave him five years beforehand, and he scared me into staying. Another post for another day.

What bothers me most about this post I wrote (I'm wiping away tears as I write about how pitifully I begged for any little scrap of positive attention he was willing to throw at me) was that I was clearly trying to figure out how I could change myself to make everything better. I don't remember what the outcome of that night was, or even if we talked or not. All I know is that poor, scared woman wanted so badly to be unconditionally loved and adored that she bent over backwards for the man was supposed to be her 'knight in shining armor', but was really her biggest life challenge to date. An abuser.

Once again the fairytale proves to be elusive.