Domestic Violence Information

Empowerment

(click it)

My warning signs were as follows:

2. Controlling Behavior: At the onset of the relationship, the abuser will say that this behavior is because of concern for their partner's safety, or to guide them in good decision-making and time management.
Signs: Closely questions everything their partner does. He never allowed me to make personal decisions about the house, but my clothing and/or other things, if he didn't like my choices, we would 'discuss' why his ideas 'made more sense'. 

3. Fast Moving Relationships: Many domestic violence survivors dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or started living together.
Signs: Relationship starts like a whirlwind, "love at first sight". Excessive flattery such as "you're the only person I can talk to" and "I love you more than anyone in the world". Abusive partner may state they need someone desperately. Pressure for commitment. We moved in together after knowing each other six months.

4. Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive partners are dependent on relationships for all of their needs; this is not healthy. No relationship is perfect and no one person can realistically be there "all the time."
Signs: Expects partner to be a perfect partner/spouse, parent, lover, and friend. Expects partner to take care of everything emotionally for them. Expects their partner to perform all household tasks.

5. Isolation: The abuser tries to cut-off resources in effort to remove opportunities for escape and systems of support. Without supportive friends with which to "trouble talk" about relationships, it can be hard to recognize signs of abuse. Resources include work or school, transportation, family and friends.
Signs: He allowed me friends but he badmouthed the ones he didn't approve of, telling me in detail what he thought was wrong with them until I couldn't take it anymore and stopped seeing them; these relationships are viewed as unfaithful. Friendships are ridiculed or sabotaged. He listened in on my conversations with my family and it was difficult to speak my  mind when he was listening, so I didn't talk to them on the phone very much. Moves away from partner's family and friends. 

6. Blames Others for Problems: Abusers do not take responsibility for any negative situation; instead they will find someone else or some external factor to blame for the problem.
Signs: Mistakes are the fault the partner. Irresponsibility. Chronic unemployment. Says, "Someone is always doing me wrong" or "out to get me". Says their partner (or kids) upsets them or keeps them from concentrating. Abuser blames their partner (or kids) for practically anything and everything that goes wrong.

8. Hypersensitivity: Abusers can be extra sensitive and may explode when they suspect an attack.
Signs: Easily insulted. Claims feeling "hurt" when really feels anger. Takes the slightest set back as personal attacks. Will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are really just part of living like being asked to help with chores. He was so Sybil-like that I was constantly worried he'd blow up at any moment. I walked on eggshells 24 hours a day.

9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: Someone who punishes children and or animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. This is a red flag warning and a message that they could hurt people too.
Signs: Expects children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (always with our son, in everything). Hurts or abuses animals. He would scream at our dogs when they barked and shove them away from him. Teases children until they cry. He still does this to Daughter, to my knowledge. He used to do it to me too. Does want children to eat at the table (Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a little boy with ADHD to sit at a dinner table without getting up?) or expects them to stay in their room all evening away from adults. (This was their consequence when he was annoyed with Kids.) 

11. Verbal Abuse: Abuse is not only physical. Abusers will often criticize and demean their partners.
Signs: Says cruel and hurtful things. Constantly degrades their partner. Curses. Very critical about everything. When I would complain about my job being stressful that day, he would tell me he thought it was time for me to think about finding another job. It was scary because I like my job...I just need to vent sometimes.

13. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: This is a reference to a fictional character that had both a "good" and "evil" side.
Signs: Sudden changes in mood, a "roller coaster of emotions." Explosiveness. One-minute the abuser is nice and the next minute there is an explosion. I never, ever knew what I was going to get when he walked though the door.

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: Used as a punishment, to terrorize and threaten the partner into submission.
Signs: We were outside in the backyard arguing once and he started tearing the wooden gate down. Kicking and pulling at it, until he tore it completely off the hinges. I liked that gate.

17. Force during an Argument: Arguments and discussions are a natural part of all relationships, but force or restraint changes an ordinary argument into possible abuse.
Signs: Cornering partner against a wall. He would back me into a space where I felt trapped and couldn't get out. I've talked in previous posts about him following me all over while I try to get him out of my personal space.

So those are some warning signs that I had and didn't see for what they were. How would I have known? I didn't even know I was being abused.

EDIT: I Was Wrong

Not every man I've dated has abused me. I'd have to say that any long term man I've ever dated has abused me. I've had long distance love affairs and short dating stints with some very kind men. None of them lasted for various reasons.

One of them was so angry at the ex-wife he was still living with that it started to make me wonder how someone so kind to me could be so frighteningly violent when talking about his ex and other women. It was worrisome. It also contributed to my trigger of feeling whorish because we always met in a hotel or hung out in my car. Ick.

One long term love affair was one of the most gentle and adoring men I've ever met, but broke up with me because he didn't feel he could honestly deal with my being poly, which upset me but I could understand completely.

One of them was very sweet but so very insecure, hid me from his family and friends, and only ever wanted to hang out at his house. It was humiliating and he needed so much reassurance from me, that I started to feel like I had another child.

One of them was very courtly and old school: he always opened doors for me and was very respectful in public. It was quite refreshing as this is one of the highest forms of feeling respected for me. My family is from the south. Sue me. It's just that he wanted to talk to me about sex all the time, constantly. He kept sending me pictures of himself and tried to get me to participate in sexting every day. It got annoying and completely made me feel like a whore.

As you can see, I didn't stick around a very long time to continue with the relationships above.

The point is, I can't say with a blanket statement that every man I ever dated abused me.

My Abusive Men

To preface this little tidbit of my personal life with Partner I'm about to share with you, I need to say that I was thinking about it over the weekend and had another epiphany. I realized that every man I've ever dated (except for Partner) has abused me in one way or another. Whether it be a teen aged boyfriend who lied to me repeatedly (when I was a teenager, perverts), an early 20's boyfriend who picked on me mercilessly for four years, two college boyfriends who repeatedly cheated on me, or Ex who abused me for two decades.

Partner asked me if I wanted a back rub.

*blink*

Asked ME. I didn't ask him. Out of the blue. He just...ASKED ME.

This may not seem odd to you, but it sure as hell was to me.

Things got busy and distracted (kids, dogs, chickens, life) and we fell asleep before I got the chance to take him up on it. When we woke up the next day he said, "Are you ready for that back rub now?" I melted inside, and couldn't stop smiling. As he was rubbing my back and I was trying not to drool on the pillow, I kept expressing my gratitude over and over. He finally said something like (I can't be expected to remember what he said exactly. That was MONDAY.), "So, you're thanking me for offering to rub your back, and then following through with what I said I would do?", I opened my eyes to see the impish grin I adore, realizing what I'd been doing (thanking him, repeatedly) and said earnestly, "I'm not accustomed to that." He laughed, kissed me and said, "Touche."

Who's Going To Help Me?

In researching getting help for my abuse, I've discovered that there are a lot of resources (still not enough however) for survivors of violence, but not many for emotional abuse. I've called WEAVE and My Sister's House and I'm going to go through the intake process for both, I think, and see which works best for me. Those are the two of the resources that people have suggested.

I think I mentioned I started taking Prozac (fluoxetine) over the long weekend and it's not supposed to be working yet, though there are mixed accounts. I'm not sure if it's a placebo affect and I'm just feeling better because I'm actively looking to help myself and improve my thinking processes, or if my epiphany is what helped me feel calm enough to not sob uncontrollably when I called the resources for help.

I discovered that I was obsessing over my realization that I had been abused. I was angry. Not angry, I was filled with hate and self loathing. How could I let him do that to me for so long? How could I stay when he was so cruel to Son? How could I stay and let Daughter see him treat me that way? That's a horrible example for Kids. How could I let anyone treat me that way?

I am trying so hard to forgive myself. I hate him. I hate him and what he's done to me and Kids. I have never felt hate like this before and forgiving him is a hell of a long way off...and yet I still know that's where I want to be...at the very least I want to feel indifference when I think of Ex. Hate will fill you up and destroy you. I've been suffering and it's time to start letting those emotions go.

I've put off talking to my family and making self help calls because, god forbid, I fall apart publicly. One of my downfalls. DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS WHERE THEY CAN SEE YOU. Jesus. What on earth...but I know what happened to me. I hide my pain for a few reasons: one, it's not helpful for my children to see their mother falling apart, two, I'll be damned if that fucker (Ex) will ever see me weak again, and three, well, I don't ever want to appear weak to anyone, particularly anyone who could do anything to make me look weak or incapable of caring for myself or my children. I prefer to fall apart in private with my dogs. I have shared that part of me with Partner, and he has held me and encouraged me so many times now. He loves me unconditionally and non-judgementally, so I can feel safe falling apart with him. Showing him the true me. I am so thankful for him, and blessed.

He is the best man that ever walked into my life.

Wow. Babbling. The point is, I am seeking out help for myself again and pulling myself up by the bootstraps. Again. Because that's what I do. Fall apart, and pull myself together again.

Silence Does Not Mean Consent

I spent so much time silent. Not one fucking minute more.

Mind you, I'm not going to run through the streets announcing my issues. They can kiss my behind. But I'm going to try not to isolate when I feel down anymore. I need to stop medicating with food and alcohol. My pants are too tight and that's pissing me off too.

I am so filled with hate for Ex. It pisses me off because I want to feel indifferent. If I'm pissed, he's still affecting me.

I think I need to try anti-depressants. I couldn't go to work one day last week, and that's never happened to me before. I was crying too hard to get out of bed.

I'm also looking into contacting Weave to get a recommendation for a group that would be helpful. I can't find a suitable group through my health insurance. They have groups for women who have personally suffered violence, and for depression. I am depressed, I know that. I need more. I need support for my abuse.

A friend of mine asked me if I thought there was a euphoric period after starting divorce proceedings, for a while, and then a crash. She was in a similar situation. I told her yes, that I thought that's what's happening to me.

At least I THINK that's what's happening to me. I'm pretty self aware most of the time. 

I have horrible guilt about staying in the relationship that long. I stayed and he abused Son. Horrible guilt. I can't help thinking that if I'd gotten out sooner that Son would have fewer mental health issues. I'll never know. 

I spoke with my mother on the phone last night. She asked me some hard questions, and for that I am grateful. I told her about my guilt, and she asked me if he'd ever hurt Daughter. I told her no, and the unequal treatment of my sensitive, loving, funny son enrages me too. My mother, in all her wisdom, told me that he never hurt Daughter because she's not a disappointment to him. That made me cry. Son is a disappointment to Ex. It broke my heart when I discovered that.

A coworker of mine says that was when I was codependent, and that I can't judge myself too harshly. All I can do is stand up for myself now. Speak my peace and take care of myself and my kids.

I seem to have fallen off the Take Care Of Myself wagon. I'm heading to Partner's house tonight to cuddle and laugh. That always helps.

A Thought For Sunday

Denial is how I survived for two decades. 

No more.

Church Lady Teacup Joy

A few months ago I brought home many of my grandmother's treasures. They were at my mother's house waiting for me to be able to bring them home. The reason they sat so long at my mother's house was because Ex didn't like them. The didn't fit into his decorating scheme and they were old, and mine, so he wouldn't have them there. I love my grandmother very, very much and I am so happy to have her things around me. I've been sleeping under her beautiful bedspread, next to her beautiful boudoir chair. And I got to have a tea party using the beautiful teacups and dessert plates my grandmother used to serve the church ladies at her house on.

I am thankful.

What Is Domestic Abuse?

I did some research regarding a restraining order recently, as well as domestic abuse. I put down the information here as it pertains to me in particular, gleaned from this site, so I can refer back to it if I need to. 

Please feel free to click the link to see if any of the items pertain to you...there is much more there than I have included here.

This is not by any means all of what domestic violence is, but how it pertains to me and the relationship I am desperately trying to sever.

Abuse and violence are learned behaviors, and as such, can be unlearned. People who are abusive are responsible for their behavior and should be held accountable for their actions by the legal and judicial systems, media, friends, family, co-workers and communities.

Domestic violence entails the use of many types of abuse to obtain power and maintain control over an intimate partner. In many abusive relationships, physical violence may be only one part of the abuse, and may even be rare.

• Fear—It is important that the domestic violence victims’ fears not be minimized. If a victim decides to leave an abusive relationship, safety planning should be conducted.
• Lack of Support—Domestic violence victims often lack support systems.
• Finances—As a result of the abuse, victims are often economically dependent on their abusers. This is particularly true for victims with children. Economic realities often trap victims in violent relationships.
• Children—Even after a separation, abusers continue to use children to maintain power and control over victims and inflict further harm.
• Fear—It is important that the domestic violence victims’ fears not be minimized. If a victim decides to leave an abusive relationship, safety planning should be conducted.
• Lack of Support—Domestic violence victims often lack support systems.
• Finances—As a result of the abuse, victims are often economically dependent on their abusers. This is particularly true for victims with children. Economic realities often trap victims in violent relationships.
• Children—Even after a separation, abusers continue to use children to maintain power and control over victims and inflict further harm.
• Promises of Reform—Abusers often promise the abuse will never happen again, they will seek assistance, and they will change.
• Screen your calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, or other incidents involving the abuser.
• Change locks if the abuser has a key.
• Screen your calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, or other incidents involving the abuser.
• Change locks if the abuser has a key.

What is Domestic Violence? Domestic violence is a range of behaviors used to establish power or exert control by one intimate partner over the other. The range of behaviors can include psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual, and physical abuse, as well as stalking and threatening behaviors.

Who are abusers?

Like victims, domestic violence abusers come from all backgrounds. However, abusers do share some characteristics in that they tend to justify their abusive behaviors, fail to take responsibility for the abuse and use similar tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners.

Abusers typically present a different personality outside of their relationship than they do to their intimate partner, which complicates victims' ability to describe their experience and seek assistance.

Children Exposed to Domestic Violence

Children who witness or are exposed to domestic violence are at greater risk for a number of health and behavioral concerns. They are often present during abuse, and are physically injured as a result of domestic violence. People who abuse their partners are very likely to also abuse children in the home.

Types of Abuse

• Legal abuse – dragging out legal/custody proceedings
• Stalking – calling, harassing, leaving messages, unwanted e-mails and phone calls
• Economic abuse – harassing someone at work

Abuse may occur frequently or infrequently, but in most cases it tends to escalate over time. Without intervention, domestic violence generally increases, and can lead to serious injuries and death.

Barriers to Leaving Victims of domestic violence usually make repeated and sustained efforts to secure safety for themselves and their children, but many face barriers which impede their safety and security:

• Love for Partner or Spouse—Most people enter a relationship for love, and that emotion does not simply disappear easily or in the face of difficulty.

Does your partner:

• Continually criticize you?
• Put you down in front of other people, humiliate you
• Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family, or limit your outside involvement?
• Make you afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even denies doing it?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be involved in a relationship that is abusive. If there is something about your relationship that scares you, seek help.

I have the right to live without fear of abuse, oppression or the threat of violence. I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. And I have the right to control my own life.

If you have left an abusive relationship: Change your phone number, and remind friends, family and your employer not to give it out.

• If you have to meet your partner, do so in a public place.
• Notify school and work contacts.

I Fell Off My Horse, And It Hurt

I am much stronger than I was before I started divorce proceedings. I was also very strong to stay as long as I did, but had my head in the sand about being able to fix it and make it work,. I tried to leave Ex 6 years ago when his emotional abuse of our son was the straw that broke the camel's back. He made promises and short term changes in order to get me to stay. When I discovered that there were people out in the world who would be happy to treat me and my children with respect and kindness, wouldn't try to control my every move by gaslighting me, wouldn't emotionally and physically abuse me and our kids (mainly our son), and wouldn't treat our two kids so differently that I was terrified he was making Son's mental health issues worse, I had to get the fuck out.

It was no longer just about me and my head in the sand. It was the fact that our son threatened to kill himself when Ex was home alone with the kids, about a year ago. It was that Ex would become so furious with our son that he would shove him to the ground or into a wall, and verbally browbeat him until his self esteem was nonexistent, and I had to get them and myself away form him, as least part of the time if that was all I could manage. Abuse is really, really hard to prove, particularly if it's not physical.

And I am afraid of Ex. I am afraid of the mask of the healthy, caring, considerate husband and father that he puts on when he wants something. Which is everything.

I am afraid that some day he will snap and come for me.

Ex harassed me so much about two months ago via text that I was still shaken weeks later. I should not have engaged him but I'm tired of him, and I made the mistake of trying to reason with a controlling, abusive, unsympathetic philistine. He always starts out by putting on his mask of THE PERFECT FATHER & EX HUSBAND when he wants something and, particularly after a long period of time since we've disagreed, he  slowly slips into his current list of demands, then slips further into why I'm wrong, he's right, and why.

That last time was that he wanted me to pay him back the money he gave me and the kids in good faith, that I took in good faith, to help out before the child support kicked in. Alternately, he tells me to let him know if I ever need money. And he's pissed that I filed my taxes 'married filing separately'. and that he owes the IRS. And he says my lawyer has committed fraud and he's not signing the papers she recently mailed him until she signs something agreeing that he was right all along. (Incidentally, this is the third time we have altered papers to correct what he thinks was wrong with them.)

I don't know why I expected that my doing what he asked would be good enough for him. That my making the changes he asked me to make would satisfy him. That he would stick to his word and sign the papers like he promised if I would just resubmit them with a small change. Why would he change? He's done this to me for 21 years.

When will I learn?

Whoopsie!

I updated the link in the last post...heh. Didn't have one, now it does! Thanks for reading!

For People Who Don't Understand Why I Had To Get Out

I couldn't explain it well before, I thought. This could have come straight out of my psyche. Emotional manipulation is one of the biggest reasons I ended up getting divorced.

The thing was, there was so MUCH behavior I felt the need to call him on...so, so much. It made me emotionally mute. He had me thinking I was irrational and as a result, my self esteem plummeted and I was silenced. I let people all through my life walk all over me, including Son. It sent me/us to the therapist time and time again.

Ex still does it nearly every single time we talk about anything and I used to fall into his fucking trap every time, but not so much now. Probably because I don't engage him anymore. I deal with the business of Kids and move along, see you later, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

It's a trap I've never even been sure he knows he's setting. Is control so deep in his psyche that he thinks he's being completely fair and honest in it's execution?

Eventually I started getting out and meeting people that didn't do this to me, and the result is my happy life now.

Someday, in the future, I'd like my children to understand why, really, I upended their lives and mine. But only if they ask. For them and anyone else who asks, I leave this link to the article that states, clearly, what I could not.

Sexual Abuse

I was reading this article about "Intimate Partner Sexual Abuse" and it triggered me. I started remembering events I had not thought about for a long time, or outright forgotten. Most of them because they are just too humiliating and painful to remember.

It makes me sick and angry to think about it now.

Among the things I forgot:

Whenever we had the chance to go out together on a date, he would always plan for us to go somewhere and drink. Whether it was dinner or a bar, or both, I would jump on the bandwagon and self medicate. I know that now. I always wanted to get at least buzzed, because I knew he wanted me to dress sexy so he could show me off to other men. He'd whisper in my ear all evening about that guy or this guy we'd see while we were out. Would you do him? Would you let him do things to you? Getting drunk was the defense mechanism I came up with so I could do what he wanted me to do. So I could pretend with him when we were out. The price for being taken out was to act for him.

He once took me out to dinner for my birthday, and then to a "surprise" location. It turned out to be a sex club. I was embarrassed, offended, hurt, and outraged the whole time we were there. I realize now that my agitated state was a prolonged anxiety attack. I was terrified he'd talk me into doing something I didn't want to do, like have sex with a random man in there for the whole goddamned place to see. That's what he liked. Watching me with other men. It's not that I have anything against sex clubs at all, or voyeurism in theory. I was hurt that he took me there. It wasn't for me, it was for him. Every present he ever gave me was something he wanted to give me, somewhere he wanted to go, or something he wanted me to have, or wear. It was never something I would have asked for, and he never asked me what I wanted.

He would make demeaning remarks about women, particularly if he thought they were unattractive. He'd be watching television and would pause so he could show me some woman and describe to me why he thought she was unattractive, and call her names and make jokes. Incidentally, he made racial remarks about the people on TV as well.

He would watch me undress and make sexual noises or remarks, stare and act goofy, or alternately he'd say, "We need to join a gym."  It was 'ok', because he said WE. I hated undressing in front of him and I'm working on being comfortable in my skin again. 

He would make sexual jokes about what we'd done in private, or about my body, in public where our friends and strangers could hear.

If he was mad at me he would withhold affection. He would shun me. 

He'd grab at me if I was near him, grabbing my breasts or ass, or patting me on the ass ever time he walked by me. I felt like a piece of meat and it's one of the reasons I get so scared when someone comes up behind me.

Every time his birthday would come around, he'd ask me what I was going to do for him sexually for his present. He was always hinting at things he wanted to do, like take me somewhere where he'd read about a group of men that would gang bang your wife if you brought them, and he could watch, or to visit a friend of ours to have a threesome, or to meet a couple that were strangers so the men could swap wives. He was always researching what he'd like to do with me, then bring it up on holidays or our anniversary . It got to the point where I would dread holidays and trips with him.

He was always trying to talk me into letting him take nude pictures of me, or film me naked.

If I wanted a back rub, a hug, or some other affectionate touching, he'd say he'd do it in exchange for sex or he would just grope me until we ended up having sex. Because I wanted to be touched I'd agree. It felt like rape.

He'd ask me to perform sexual acts during sex that he wanted, and when I tried to initiate or do something I'd like, he would lose interest and move me around so that he was getting what he wanted again. He thought that if he made me come, then I had a good time. He did learn how to make me come quickly after all the years we were together, but if I didn't come before he did, he'd be sound asleep. Snoring while I blinked, wondering how I ended up feeling like a whore again. He wanted power and control during sex, and really, all the time. If I initiated he'd turn me down 50% of the time, unless I did something I knew he'd like...acting or dressing like a whore. I eventually stopped initiating, and then  he complained about always having to initiate sex himself.

Why couldn't it just be he and I, enjoying each other? Why did there have to be numerous imaginary men to get him off? It's weird because I never really thought it was me that was the problem during sex. I had that going for me. But his sense of shame afterwards always made me feel horrible. I knew he needed to fantasize and be in control to get off.

I was a whore for him. He made me feel sexually violated, even though he never forced me.

I thought that these were just things we dealt with as a couple. I never realized it was sexual abuse.

I Didn't Have to Unleash the Flying Monkeys

Daughter's open house went very well. Ex was late, as per usual, so I was able to hang out with her and have her show me most of what she's been doing in school before he showed up. He just looked sad. This is what he does when he's not in control, or is in public and has decided to play the part of, "The Best Ex Husband Ever", as if to say, 'Look what you've done to me.' 'Look what I've become because of you.' 'Look at me, I'm harmless.' 'You have made my life so sad.'

I held my head up and was as pleasant as I could be. There were so many people in the classroom that he could barely get near me, much less bother me...which he probably wouldn't have done anyway because he doesn't do anything where the public can see.

Ex's sad face could have been because he came by to drop off Son's skateboard on the way to work. Daughter came into the bathroom when I was about to get into the shower, scaring the hell out of me. I'll forgive her because she's cute. Damned exaggerated jumpiness. (I talked about that here.) She came into the bathroom to ask me if Ex could use the other bathroom. I paused long enough that she saw I was uncomfortable with it (I'll have to work on that.) then I said sure. I got into the shower. Never saw him, thank goodness. Hugged her goodbye and went on getting ready for work.

It was later that I realized I had washed a shirt Partner left at my house, and had hung it to dry in that bathroom. A man's linen shirt, clearly too big for Son. Well. There you go. That could have accounted for sad look as well. Out of all the things Ex has done to me over the years, he still occasionally shows remorse when he's caught off guard. Maybe that's what I was seeing. Or, that I had deliberately not thanked him for the Mother's Day presents, or wished him happy birthday. It's not my job anymore.

Don't care. I'm just thrilled I didn't have an anxiety attack and I was able to get out of there and flee to partner's house for some hugs, which always soothe me.

This Is Why I Keep My Mouth Shut

I do not badmouth Ex to my children. They have enough stress to deal with without my adding to it. Other adults, depends on my mood and who I'm talking to.

My mom sent me this. Thanks mom, I love you.

Shunned

Ex pointed out polyamory to me and said, "Let's try it."

(Please note that I am an introvert and that there is a mythbusting list about introverts along the sidebar of my blog for your perusal, if you are interested.)

I couldn't do it yet. It was too foreign to the way I'd learned to love, though I grew up with a very open minded "alternative" family, I essentially didn't trust people (particularly men, for obvious reasons), and I just wasn't comfortable with the idea. I read the copy of, "The Ethical Slut", he gave me and we talked. (Incidentally, I recommend this book to anyone who is considering any "alternative" relationship. It's a great book. Very freeing.) And talked. And talked. And worked out the (his) agreements (rules) that would make it work for us (him). After we figured is all out in a way that would work for both of us (I could put 'him' every single time I say 'us', but I think you get my point.), I started to realize that I wasn't living the way I wanted to live. I wasn't being treated the way I wanted to be treated, and the rules weren't working for me anymore. 

Again, he shot himself in the foot.

I could only talk to him about adjusting the agreements (Really they should ebb and flow to suit a couple's feelings and needs as you go along.) to a certain extent, and then he drew a line in the sand at the beginning of last summer. Problem was I had already been seeing my boyfriend, now partner, for a year. There was no way in blue hell I was going to give up that man. No fucking way. He is the best man that has EVER walked into my life, treats me better than I treat myself, and I intend to spend the rest of mine with him. At that time I had a yet unvoiced feeling that this was to be true and I was not going to give in on this point. Not for ex who had finally made his huge mistake. He coerced me into an open marriage lifestyle and inadvertently showed me a world of kindness, tenderness, caring, respect, and love that I didn't have with him. That I had never really had with any man. Even in the beginning when he was wooing me.

So. Back to the line in the sand he drew: I screamed at him during a huge argument we had outside on the side of the house where the kids couldn't hear us. I had snapped and was at the breaking point. He kept trying to walk away from me, and he kept looking over the fence to see if strangers were in the park next to our house listening to us. He was always more concerned about what people think than the people he was supposed to love. I told him I'd give us the summer to come up with a solution that would work for both of us.

Never, at any point, did he consider changing one behavior/rule, nor did he open up to discussing anything with me that wavered beyond the line he drew. My reaction told him that he was losing control of me. He was fighting hard to let me know that I was being irrational, that I should calm down, and see that he was right if I would only LISTEN just like I always had.

I wonder now if I usually gave in because I couldn't win. He was accustomed to talking me around in circles, into the ground until I relented. There was only so much criticism and negativity I could take before I started to believe that it's ME that was the problem.

In fact, he'd completely 'forgotten' that he'd drawn that line in the sand or that I'd given him that ultimatum when the end of summer rolled around.

I filed for divorce the second week of September.

The following post was written in my private blog to ex one year ago spring. I never showed him my private posts, but I did my best to tell him how I felt on those rare occasions when he consented to grant me an audience, and this was also the gist of our argument that spring day:

"You don't trust me to do what's right for the family. I feel like you're the family police and that I'm a bad person you have to protect the kids from.

I'm upset because you say what I/we are doing is wrong and I don't agree. It's a lifestyle choice and I finally feel like I've found my niche. Loving people makes me so much happier than I ever was. I wish you felt the same.

I feel angry because I have to ask permission, and you have to be in the perfect frame of mind for me to ask. And yes, it is permission. Because if I don't talk to you about it, it's not the poly life I want to lead. I want to be able to say, 'name' has a group of poly friends who get together on Wed nights for drinks and I want you to say, oh cool! Go have fun! Or, let's go!

I feel sad because I'm trapped by your moods and whims. If it's your idea you want it and if it's my idea YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I want to be able to turn to you at any moment and show you how I feel and tell you what I'm thinking. I want to tell you how I feel without you shutting me down.

I feel anxious because I want to break free and do whatever I want whenever I want.

I feel upset because I want to see the marriage counselor again and talk to him about our open marriage. I want to go to a weekend workshop and learn how to talk to each other again.

(Incidently, the marriage counselor heard Ex out during the last session we ended up having with him, then turned to me and said, "It sounds like you have some choices to make." That phrase rocked me back on my heels. For the first time I realized that I DID have a choice, and that's what started me seriously thinking about leaving Ex again, and making it stick. The irony that this did not occur to me until a man put the idea into my head has not escaped me, but he was a neutral party and was supporting me.)

I want you to hear me. I want you to listen to me. I want to you accept me for what I am, support me, accept that this is how I want to live, and I want you to be a part of it. I want you to be my willing primary partner. I want to feel like a grown up with valid feelings, needs and wants, and to have you support me and be ok with it.

I want you to figure out why you think it's dirty and wrong, and why you keep wanting to do it then feel like you're drowning in shame immediately after you come, so we can work on turning that around. 

(Do you have any idea how upsetting it is to watch the man you have been married to for 21 years lay next to you immersed in shame for the act you just shared together? To know that what you just did to please him, because he wanted it and you wanted to make him happy, torments him about how wrong and dirty it was? He refused to look at it, to discover why he felt that way, or to do anything but put it on me. If I stopped what I was 'doing' then he would be free of this guilt and shame I was making him feel...until he was horny again, then the whole cycle would start over again as if it never happened. He would stay up all night, every night, looking at porn and talking to people online in chat rooms about his kink, then come to me looking for release. I always went to bed alone. I felt like a whore, and a doormat, because I was doing everything I could stomach to please him.)

I'm excited about how relaxed and open and wonderful our life could be if we work all these things out.

I want you to accept your sexuality and mine."

Turns out he opened our marriage so he could get off: Me with other men.

I'm delving into my head to figure out if I really am comfortable being polyamorous, or if ex's sexual abuse/coercion and my needs not being met are what drove me there. 

I'm thinking that I'm just going to stop trying to put a label on what I am and how I feel, and just try to be happy and healthy.

Glorifying Divorce

My ex-mother in law and ex-sister in law who once sang my praises, now use my pain to make it about themselves. I realize that they always did it. Not necessarily about me, but about someone, somewhere.

"I don't like to gossip, BUT..."

I know now that I was continually sucked into their traps too. The whole damned family does it. Honestly. You find out who truly cares about you when you go through a divorce.

Is all this negativity bad karma? I try not to live my life negatively. I'm very aware of trying to be forgiving and living my life with love, and I think I'm successful at it now...aside from the bitterness. It's a work in progress. You won't hear about that here very often for now, but I'm trying my damnedest to to it.

One of the reasons I unfriended my ex-inlaws on Facebook in one fell swoop (and let me tell you THAT gave them something to bitch and moan about) was because the last time I received a communication from my ex-mother in law she told me she was disappointed that I was "glorifying divorce". I really want to live my life with love, and I made an attempt to keep my ex-inlaws as friends. I didn't want my children to suffer from the discomfort of everyone being uncomfortable or unkind, and I really, really loved them. And I wanted to continue seeing my nephews as they grow up. They were in my life for a very long time and I didn't want to lose them too. My mother had my dad over for holidays for years after they got divorced and I never really saw how strong and kind she was to work so hard to do that for us. It must have been horrible sometimes, and uncomfortable every time.

After I filed for divorce I went through a period of time looking for support groups on FB. I just wanted to read a little supportive blurb here and there. Something I could read quickly and move on to something to distract me from my often overwhelming anxiety. Though I made my interest group private, I forgot that folks could see the LIKES. Thus, her glorifying divorce comment.

My wonderful coworker and friend gave me a quote that has helped me immensely. "Listen to what they say and it will tell you who they are." I've found this to be true. My office mate suggested I respond to every negative comment with, "Thank you for your support."

So. To all my ex-inlaws (and there are a hell of a lot of them running around out there) who used to say they'd love and support me no matter what, who have now decided that I am the devil, and that my trip to Burning Man 2012 caused me to divorce Ex, I say, "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT."

They know nothing, NOTHING, (to my knowledge) about Ex abusing me because I never told them. Either that or they don't believe it.

For the record, I don't really blame them for siding with him. It's only natural to form opinions based on one side of the story, and he was in their lives long before I. But it still hurts.

I'm slowly, but surely, turning off their voices in my head so I can get to a place where I don't care what they think of me, and maybe forgiveness eventually.

"What people think of you is none of your business."

Elitist...*EDIT*

Previous, private post:

Today is the meeting with ex and my lawyer so they can hammer out the money. (I'm writing this as I sit at my desk trying to deep breathe my anxiety away, in preparation for leaving for the appointment.) As near as I can tell my only function at this meeting is for me to nod YES to agree with what they come up with so he'll sign the stupidy papers. I know my lawyer will do right by me and I am beyond irritated that I'm using my stipend because he's arguing with her.

My goal is not to let him hug me and to do something nice for myself afterward.

I'll update after the appointment.

Update:

It turned out to be not as bad as I thought it would be, at first. It also turns out we had more things to hammer out: the child support and the spousal support request, the logistics of my staying in the house until I don't want to, Daughter graduates from high school, or when he can buy me out (so I am totally out of his possible control), and splitting up the money floating around here and there.

The thing that bothered me the most was that he was all up in my grill sitting next to me in my lawyer's little office and I was practically leaning out of the other side of the chair. His hand was resting on the left armrest of my seat. He leaned so far over toward me that the files and papers he periodically held up in his right hand almost hit me - I had to dodge them. He knows damned well I have personal space issues. My anxiety at being so close to him exhausted me. Why was he in my space? Was he always like that and I didn't mind before? Why didn't I say anything? I was too busy trying not to bolt from the anxiety attack I was fighting to keep under control. It was hard to concentrate because I was focused on why the hell he thought it was ok to be that close to me and whether I was going to get beaned with a giant folder of papers. And the questions he was asking set my teeth on edge. They were all money related. A lot of his money questions were "to make sure my numbers were being reported accurately" meaning that ultimately I would benefit. Jackass. Where I come from discussing money is impolite and it's still hard for me to get past that. Especially since we never had any growing up, and I know this is all related to his control issues and had nothing to do with my welfare whatsoever. It was a $10 difference, maximum.

FYI, we had it out a few weeks ago via text (It took me two weeks to deal with that event, process, and move on. Is it my fault? I engaged him. That was a mistake. I know better.) and he admitted to me that he's not signing anything else because he wants a signed paper from my lawyer to give to the court that is an apology from her admitting that she was wrong and he was right. He's out of his mind.

Why am I reduced to a quivering mass of emotion, anxiety, and adrenaline when he's in my vicinity? It's extremely annoying to me.

I hate. HATE being a victim. Being vulnerable. When people can see me being vulnerable is the worst. I have wonderful friends that have been offering to swap abuse stories and support each other, and the idea of falling apart in public sounds horrifying. I'm working on that too. Thank goodness for my partner who is my rock when I need one...I can fall apart with him when I need to.

I think I react that way to ex because I'm afraid I will fall into my old patterns. My doormat tendencies. How can I be a strong, reliable, in charge, self confident person EXCEPT when I'm dealing with him? Is divorce the only way I can escape how I felt when he was around all the time, and make my life into something I can enjoy and be happy about again? Yes.

My lawyer told us she wished all of her divorce clients could be like us. It makes it so much easier. (For he and her.) Then ex told the story of our last day in court. (When my lawyer didn't show up. I blogged about it yesterday.) The bailiff was handing us our paperwork with the continuance date and he called ex's name, then called my name, looking all over the room except at me. Finally I waved my arms in the air and he blinked, having totally overlooked me, surprised that we were sitting right next to each other. (I'd prefer to have a seat between us because of my personal space issues with ex, but that's like playing the Personal Space game with him, which I also blogged about yesterday.)

I realize that I am extremely blessed. I know there are people who have struggled for years with battle after legal battle to finalize a divorce, many with men much more narcissistic than ex. Also, ex never physically abused me which is part of the reason why I never realized I was being abused. There have been studies that show that psychological abuse can be much more damaging than physical, and I'm not invalidating anyone who's been physically abused, by any means. I wouldn't ever wish that on anyone. It's horrifying. That still doesn't stop me from being aware that my struggle is valid and meaningful to me. See how I'm getting better already? I'm invalidating myself less and less.

After all this, he had some things he wanted to give me that he had in a paper bag in his car. One thing was socks that belong to Daughter. (He wants separate clothing at his house for she and Son. The clothes that are at my house aren't up to his standards and he sends "mine" back, expecting me to do the same with "his". I haven't. I let my children wear what they want as long as it's appropriate for school and the weather. When I told him that he and the kids were going to be in charge of what clothes went where, because I wasn't going to do it, he acknowledged that it's very controlling behavior. He still returns "my" clothing. Also in his paper bag was a recall notice for my car (Annoying that it went to his address - I've since changed that.), and school brochures. Daughter tested as a high achiever and he wants her switched to a school in the district where he lives. Ex doesn't feel our district is good enough for them.

He makes every. Little. Thing. Harder. Than. It. Needs. To. Be. EVERYTHING.

He brought me to tears when he started the school conversation. The commute time for me will be doubled, the kids will lose their friends, and Son's delicate self confidence and comfort level will be devastated as he tries to find his way in a totally foreign special education environment. Ex's argument? The schools in his district have a score of 9, which is really high compared to the 3 that my district has. Why? ( I taught elementary school and know some stuff.) Partly because of the diversity and income level of the school district. Schools with high numbers of ESL (English as a Second Language) students typically have lower test scores because they don't print the tests in other languages or have the resources to give ESL kids the modifications they need to take the test well. (As least to my knowledge, in the school districts where I worked.) The district where he lives has a large population of affluent people who are more able to find tutors, time to volunteer toward and boost their kid's educations. When I pointed this out to ex he said that the big bonus would be that they wouldn't be going to school with THAT population of kids that are bringing the test scores down. I was furious. Conversation over. Of all the elitist...*EDITED FOR THE DELICATE*...

He also asked me to have the kids write letters to Santa because he didn't get around to it and hadn't finished his Xmas shopping, though we agreed that the person who had them for that holiday (him last year) would take care of the whole Santa deal. Mom to the rescue again. He made this harder too. I could have said no, but that's not the ex wife I wanted to be at the time. I have since become stronger.

When I was driving away he called me. I don't take his calls in the car anymore unless I think he's running late to pick up the kids and I need to race to one of the schools. When I listened to the message he left me I was as outraged as I was the first time, second time, and third time he had brought up this subject with me: He reminded me that he wants me to tell my lawyer that in the divorce papers, he wants something that says that while I am living in the house we co-own, I agree to never let anyone move in with me. My lawyer said I don't have to agree to anything like that. It's not legal unless I write it down and sign it. Ex knows I am with my partner, and ex was bouncing back and forth between telling me he wants me to be happy and directing requests at me to reveal personal information to him about what we're doing and when we see each other, for which I've gotten good at giving him the Heisman. Now he doesn't mention my partner, ever. He has ceased to exit in ex's mind so therefore is not a cause of stress. He can pretend away now.

With all this aftermath, every kind of thought I had about him that afternoon flew out the window. I deleted the message, and went on to do something nice for myself on the way to pick up Daughter.

Also? I didn't let him hug me.

Walk of Happy

THIS JUST OUT:

Woman (me) spotted walking her dogs in the park in the same cardigan and sundress she went to work in the day before. Walk of shame?

Yes...

Except for the shame part. 

Edited for the Delicate

My brother asked me a while back if ex was happy about the result of the last court date, with astoundingly foul language I won't repeat here. He also made some indelicate suggestions about what to send ex in the mail. I love my brother.

My lawyer's assistant forgot to put me on her boss' schedule for our December appointment in court, so I had to sit in the courtroom with ex for an hour, right fucking next to him because he is the BEST EX HUSBAND EVER, fuming, to request a continuance to January. My lawyer's assistant called me to apologize and burst into tears, which made ME cry.

I don't know if he was happy or not. I didn't ask, and I don't care anymore. (I shouldn't say I don't care. I should say that it doesn't mean anything to me, but I'm not there yet.) He was very kind and understanding, which also doesn't mean anything anymore because he's hurt me too many times. It could be part of his current public act I've mentioned: The Perfect Father & Ex Husband. Or it could be totally sincere. I really have no idea and it's all wrapped up in my PTSD anxiety about never knowing what the hell he'll do next.

All I know is that when I assert myself he starts telling me what he thinks is the matter with me, or I hear something from the kids about something he said about me, my partner, or my friends, or he gleefully hints about what his family thinks about me, and once, he went out drinking with some friends and a friend of his (used to be a friend of OURS) started messaging me ugly things in the middle of the night, calling me a bitch for divorcing him. That night he sent me emails and texts and called me (I never answered) leaving me phone messages telling me to ignore his friend, and another friend of ours who was there was also messaging me to ignore the guy. I was up all night with anxiety attacks and it took me a week of misery to let that one go.

He scares me. A text or email can trigger me into an anxiety attack, and sometimes when we're in the same room, though that one is fairly rare as he doesn't show that side of himself if the kids or anyone else is around. When he tried to kiss my shoulder from behind a while back, I had an anxiety attack. I started shaking, and hyperventilating, and it took everything I had not to bolt. If nothing else I have a strong sense of responsibility to protect my children, and they don't need to see their mother flee in panic. It also happened when we were talking out in front of the house, doing the personal space dance. I don't want him in my personal space anymore. He wants to be in my space. So I move back a step and he follows. I think we went all over the driveway that evening.

I look at him like a science experiment that could explode at any moment: I keep my cards close to my chest, nod and smile at the grinning lunatic, get mad at myself when I let him hug me, then get the hell out of dodge. I'm going to be nice until the divorce is final, more likely until he pays me for my share of the house we co-own, then the gloves are off. I'm tired of being afraid of asserting myself, fearing that he'll start trying to control or manipulate me, or change his mind again about something we agreed on. I'm storing every text and email from him. I don't have plans to be unkind, but I do have plans to keep him out of my house and only talking about the kids. Nothing else. I should have collected keys and garage door opener, but he needs to help the kids get stuff in and out of the house and garage sometimes. I'm in the process of making that unnecessary for him.

That day in court did get him to suggest we meet with my lawyer BEFORE the next court date (my idea, suggested weeks and weeks before which he declined then forgot about) so he can get his penny pinching number details needs sorted out in his head so he'd sign the stupidy papers. He said he'd call her to schedule the appointment, then told me he wasn't going to call weeks later, that she was my lawyer, and would I please schedule the appointment before Christmas.

Incidentally, since then he's refused to sign any more papers. But it's too late. He shot himself in the foot. He was too cheap to get a lawyer and 'trusted' that I'd do right by him. What he did was sign enough so it doesn't matter that he refused to sign any more after that. I've forced his hand and am going to court one last time so the judge can bang that gavel and set me free.

Sigh.

Seven months later I'm still waiting for the divorce to be final. I'm counting on my fingers.

Father's Chance to Abuse on Mother's Day

He got me again.

Bastard. Through the kids again. Now I'm getting angry.

My kids gave me wonderful, thoughtful Mother's Day presents that they created with their own hands, with direction, ideas, and help directly from my abuser.

My daughter woke me up with milk and toast and kisses, as well as a handmade card from school that I will treasure forever. She is a sweet and thoughtful girl, and I am lucky to have her. Then she handed me a gold wrapped present. I opened it to discover 9 sand dollars mounted in a shadowbox. 9 sand dollars that we found on the beach as a family on a vacation before the divorce. 9 sand dollars that were supposed to be a present for my mother on her birthday years ago. A project ex came up with, never finished, raged about with failed attempts to craft, then put it in the garage for years until he moved out and took it with him.

My sensitive and funny son gave me a gift of 8 painted fish tiles in a frame. 8 fish tiles that were supposed to be in a bathroom ex was going to let me decorate. 8 fish tiles he gave me because he knows I love the ocean, though I didn't pick them out myself. 8 fish tiles that sat in a bag in our garage that had become a hidy-hole for spiders while he ignored 'our' plan for a bathroom upgrade, until the city sewer backed up into our bathroom forcing a remodel. 8 fish tiles that sat in that spidery bag in the garage as he 'let me choose' paint he picked and different tiles, making the bathroom that was supposed to be for me into something he wanted. Again.

The fish tile picture is sitting on the dresser in my bedroom affecting me, the same way the sand dollar shadow box is hanging on the wall. I smiled and told my kids the presents were beautiful and thoughtful and spent some time cuddling and talking with them.

I fell apart later with my partner.

It's hard to explain why the gifts trigger me and I can understand why it wouldn't make sense. One reason (I was trying to explain this to my partner who often understands me before I say anything, being intuitive to my feelings.) is that they represent two of eleventy-billion projects that he raged against himself for not finishing, then took out on us. Being a perfectionist often paralyzes him, as he's not able to live up to his own standards. Reason two, that just looking at them sitting in my bedroom reminds me about his two decades of abuse and my life as a doormat. Three, it infuriates me beyond belief that he can still trigger me. There is more, but later maybe.

I know that he's given them to me through our kids to say, "Look! I finished it! You can have it now!", and that deep down in his psyche, though he would never, ever admit it, "You were wrong about me. I'm different without you. Better. Happier. I showed you, didn't I?"

Some might say I should put them somewhere where they don't trigger me so much, but my children being proud of giving me those gifts is more important to me than how the gifts make me feel. Whether or not he did it deliberately to abuse me, whether he considers it 'redemption' for what he sometimes admitted to doing to me, on rare occasions when I could get through to him, or all of the above, I'll probably never know. I don't care. I never want to talk to him again, and I sure as hell am not going to ask him.

So I'm going to use those gifts they're so proud of to remind me to be strong.

I am very conscious that I ignored ex's birthday the next day, and I'm going to try to ignore the fact that he will probably use it as an example for his new girlfriend and his family further to prove that I am heartless and cruel because he's the BEST EX HUSBAND EVER. This is his new goal in the public eye.  I am no longer in the business of rewarding him for breaking me. Lord knows what he's told his family. It must be pretty good because not one of them has made any attempt to contact me. He was always great in public, singing the praises of my mothering, housekeeping, and being a wife.

Unless he was drunk. Or angry. Or I didn't go along with his plan. Then he would lose control of the carefully planned message he sent out to the world.

My daughter heard me crying later and came into my room to see me in my partner's arms, wiping my eyes. I told her I'd had a rough week, and that I was just processing it. That I was ok. She acted silly to make me smile, made sure I was ok, then wandered off.

Am I doing my children a disservice? Maybe. They're smart, they trust me, and they're comfortable knowing that if they ask my anything I'll give them an honest, if not edited for child content, answer. Someday I'll talk to them about it. Particularly if I find that ex is emotionally abusing them. He's a controlling and domineering father, but I don't think he's being abusive. I prod them gently for information every once in a while and listen carefully when they talk about him. If they ask me directly, I will not lie. I've told them a little bit, which I'll talk about in later posts.

It's just one more thing he's done to continue his abuse from afar.

Back To School Night With My Abuser

Tomorrow night. Wish me luck. I'm not hugging him. I'm going for my daughter. Nothing else. Now, if I could just figure out how to...I don't know. I'm tired. I can't avoid him. He pretends there is nothing wrong. He was so outraged when I told him I thought he was abusing me...I'm sure he's just going to pretend I never said it for the rest of his life.

Sexual Abuse too?! FFS

I've been reading up on sexual abuse, and it turns out ex sexually abused me too. His badgering me into sexual situations with drunk friends apparently is sexual abuse as well as coercing me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, disguised as 'trying' something to see if I'll like it. I did things for him he shouldn't have asked me to do. I let ex do things to me I didn't want him to do. I let him take pictures and film me. "It's ok, no one will ever see them except me." Except that our computer and camera were stolen when our house was robbed. Lord knows where those videos and pictures ended up. This after I'd told him about a traumatic event where an ex-boyfriend filmed me without my knowledge then showed me the tape. I erased it, I think. I had sex with ex when I didn't want to. And just for fun, ex occasionally turned me down flat when I came onto him. You know, just for kicks to keep me in my place for turning him down sometimes.

My Sugar

I've been trained that when you ask your partner to do something for you, it doesn't happen. So I became completely self sufficient as a wife, mother, and person. And resentful. I did everything myself. It was easier than being repeatedly rejected. Interestingly, as a spin off of that, I became stronger and independent of ex, all but emotionally. When I was talking to my friends and family about getting divorced, they warned me I would need to get used to doing everything myself. My response? "I've been doing that for twenty years." I'd been doing it, but didn't have the autonomy to make the decisions. I was a good, if grumbling, worker bee.

I was watching my brother and his partner together and I was amazed, as I always am, at how couples that work well together work. I have very little experience with this except within the last two years and so I am learning. And I love to watch. People watching is my favorite.

Shortly after I filed for divorce I was out running errands and I passed a couple that looked to me like they were in their 80's. I watched them walk together for a little while. They were holding hands. I burst into heart wrenching sobs and had to sit in my car until they subsided. That is what part of my plan was when I married ex. To grow old and happy with someone to love, who would love me back unconditionally. I've mentioned this before. Ex never held my hand for longer than he was able to come up with an excuse not to.

ANYWAY, my brother in law asked my brother to turn on some Christmas music. AND HE DID IT. *blink*

This may not be astounding to you, but it is to me. He asked him to do something, and he happily did it! He didn't say, "I'll do it later.", or, "I'll do it in a minute.", or "I can't, I have a dog/cat/plate-of-food/kid on my lap.", or, "I'm tired.", or, "I'm about to do something.", or my all-time favorite, "No."

A little while ago I had two friends, a lovely married couple, over to my house sorting a tea delivery and I smiled as I watched them work together happily. It was wonderful to see them moving around each other comfortably, helping each other with such a simple task.

I find now that when people outside of work ask me to do something for them it triggers me. I find myself feeling resentment automatically before I catch myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm 99% of the time happy to help out and don't actually feel resentment toward the person because I now see it for what it is. It's my problem and I'm better and better all the time. Ironically, when I was asked by ex to help with something it usually entailed me standing around waiting for instructions, doing nothing. Now I end up standing around trying to figure out how I can help, waiting for someone to ask me instead of just jumping in. My comfort zones are constantly ebbing and flowing, and eventually I will be more relaxed. I hope. I'm working on it very hard. Consequently my children don't help me enough because I'm not good at delegating. I'm working hard on that too, especially now that it's just the three of us at home.

That couples help each other is something I've only wondered and daydreamed about. I think I've made my point.

I posted the following tidbit in my private blog last year:

My bf (now partner) and I were chatting back and forth and he told me I was, "Like sugar in the rain.", and I'm still mooning over it and him to this day. He's an amazing man and I adore him.

I've actually talked with people who have said, "Oh, you're THAT couple." That over the moon in love couple.

We also work well together. I can't tell you how many times he's helped me out when I haven't asked him to. He just happily jumps in, smiles at me, and gets to work. If I'm correct, I've rarely ever asked him to do anything for me because it's really hard for me to ask. I've started to experiment with asking him to do things for me and he hasn't turned me down once. Simple things like, would you please hand me that, or would you please rub my foot? His enthusiasm to show me how much he loves me through these small acts of affection totally blow me away and they bring me near tears with the simplicity of the act of asking and receiving. It seems odd to even be writing that something so kind and uneventful would move me that much.

Just the other night we were having dinner out and the server asked if we wanted another drink when our dinners were eaten. My partner turned to me and asked if I'd like another drink. I stammered and asked him what he'd like to do. He immediately turned to the server and told him we needed a few minutes to think about it. I was surprised. I realized that he was giving me time to think about it because he was ok with whatever choice I would make. I told him I would like another drink. Later, when I mentioned it to him he told me he didn't want to choose FOR me, and I thanked him. I was moved and happy.

He holds my hand whenever I want and I am a very, very blessed woman.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hopefully moms are resting and relaxing today, and not because you opened the wrong can. 

Being Dicks

While my son and I were Christmas shopping he turned to me and asked, "When are we leaving for (town where ex in laws live)?" The ex took the kids to his mother's house last holiday season.

"The 22nd. You're driving with dad.", I said.

He then asked me, "Why aren't you coming?"

I told him, "I was uninvited."

My ex mother in law generously told me (via email, because she was 'too emotional' to talk to me on the phone, she said) I'd always be welcome in her home, despite the pain I caused by serving divorce papers to her son. (Which was her offhanded way of saying I could come to her house for Xmas with my kids last year. She didn't actually say the bit about me causing her pain, but I know she was hurt. We were all hurting.)

I thought I WAS welcome.

That lasted about a month. After I'd bought his whole family Xmas presents and an airline ticket to get myself there (so I wouldn't have to ride 9 hours in a car with ex, one way) she decided that the mere sight of me would be too painful to bear. Not to mention the opinions of my illustrious brother in law and sister in law, who had apparently decided I was the Antichrist because I started speaking my mind, finally.

When ex 'asked' me to consider not coming to his mother's house for Xmas in a late night email, so that people's 'feelings wouldn't be ignored', and that he'd 'always protect me but please consider his request', I was hurt, and told him to tell the kids himself why I wasn't coming. He didn't, of course. I've been cleaning up his emotional messes for 21 years. Why should I stop now? I'm skilled at it.

I watched the gears turns in my son's head a few seconds, bracing myself. "Why?", he asked, a pained look on his face.

"Dad thinks his family will be uncomfortable if I'm there, so they all decided I shouldn't go."

"Your own family?!", he asked, incredulous.

I nodded, swallowing a lump, "Sometimes when people get divorced, families take sides."

I valiantly struggled not to remind him that his dad came over for dessert at our house after Thanksgiving dinner (Ex's choice. He was invited to dinner.) with my family, dressed like Santa with a pimp hat, and made hot apple pie drinks for everyone. We're all still trying to fathom THAT one.

The part that makes me the most crazy is that I felt I was throwing myself to the lions. I was bracing myself, trying to figure out how to be kind, loving and graceful while I visited. I was willing to brave the lions because when I asked my children where they wanted me at Xmas, they said they wanted me where they were. So I bought the plane ticket. Apparently the wishes of the drama queens greatly outweigh the wishes of the children whose parents are getting divorced. Being rejected by people you love hurts even when you are trying to understand why they're doing it.

To be honest, I was relieved I wasn't going. I was having anxiety attacks thinking about it. But it broke my heart that it was the first Xmas I'd ever spent without my children. I tried to remember that it's just a day and that now I have a chance to make new memories and holiday traditions that will be a better fit for us.

"Sorry to say this mom, but they're being dicks.", said my sensitive, first born son.

As I looked into his beautiful blue eyes, watching me warily to see if I was going to reprimand him, I smiled because I know that whatever happens we love each other, that he knows that I am his biggest fan and advocate, and I will always be honest with him, just like he is with me.

You Are Mistaken

Every time, and I mean every single time over the 21 years we were together, whenever I would ask ex not to yell at me or the kids, he'd launch into a diatribe about how he wasn't yelling, totally ignoring my request, and telling me I was too sensitive.

New and Ugly?

A friend asked me a while back, "Did something new and ugly happen, or is this just processing the last 21 years?", about starting the blog. I said, "Mostly processing...and a lot of people's reactions when I talk to them about what's been going on. People's jaws have been hitting the floor."

It made me realize just how fucked up my thinking was when I was in the middle of it. I didn't even realize I'd been abused until I filed for divorce, he moved out, and I started to look at it from a distance.

And when I started talking to other people about what had been happening.

I just knew I had to get out. My hairdresser (and friend) said we can't see it when we're in the middle of it, whether it's a marriage, friendship or coworkers.

I thought for a minute when I read my friend's email and realized that something DID happen. People's reactions happened. They took me by surprise. They were/are shocked. Their mouths make O's. Their eyes open wide.

"He did WHAT?!"

Wow. How could I have thought that was an ok way to live?

White vs. Black

I saw a movie once (or was it a book I read?) where two women were talking about the main two fantasies that woman have: The White Fantasy (getting married) and The Black Fantasy (becoming a widow).

I used to fantasize about getting married. Living in a house I owned, having children, dogs, and a husband that adored me. I was sure that this would make me happy and I'd live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, after about 10 years of marriage, my white fantasy turned into the black fantasy. I was married for 21 years.

Don't get me wrong: I never wanted ex to die. I never wanted my children to lose their father. I didn't want anyone hurt. I didn't really want to lose my husband, though I already had. (He wasn't the man I hoped he was when I chose him.) Being a widow seemed like the least frightening way to find eventual happiness.

I read The New Fantasyland and it reminded me about what I used to fantasize about. I fantasized about being able to choose for myself. Do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. Go out with friends, choose the products at the stores that I wanted, eat what I wanted to eat, be friends with the people I chose, and talk to my family on the phone without fear of being overhead and 'punished'. I wanted someone who would thank me for cooking, instead of telling me what I should do next time to make it better, or just spitting it out on the plate in disgust and pushing the plate away. (All of this in full view of our children who were starting to follow in his footsteps in more than just at table. The horror when I realized that my son might grow up thinking this is how you treat women was another straw that broke the camel's back...another post to write.) I wanted someone who didn't storm away in anger if I said something he didn't want to hear. Someone who looked me in the eye while I was talking, instead of walking away from me because he had something more important to do. Someone who didn't spend his time in a 'discussion' explaining to me why something I wanted to do wasn't a good choice. Someone who would hold my hand when we walked down the street, and someone who I could hug who wouldn't didn't think that every touch was an invitation to grope me like a teen aged boy. Someone who would let me lay close to him while I slept. I wanted someone who never asked me to change my clothes, makeup, hair or weight. I wanted someone to protect me and love me unconditionally. Someone who would treat me like I was important to them.

I really just wanted to be free of him.

What I needed was to protect myself from resentment, criticism, and a life that I had lost control of. I didn't even know I was lost until I woke up one day and realized that I was tired. Tired of working so hard to please someone who was (is still) so full of self loathing and anger.

Ex would argue that he never MADE me do anything, but he's missing the point. This is why I don't argue with him anymore.

Like the woman who wrote the article, I fantasized about ex staying out of my life. I understand that he will always be around, however. He IS the father of my children and they love him. I am getting better at setting and keeping boundaries. I just make my own choices and work with him as best I can for the kids. I have made a pact with myself to only talk to him about the kids and the house we co-own. The kids are quickly learning why I have chosen to divorce him. He's teaching them himself through his actions.

I'm starting over, coming up with new fantasies that are healthy. The difference now is that my fantasies are coming true.