Being Dicks

While my son and I were Christmas shopping he turned to me and asked, "When are we leaving for (town where ex in laws live)?" The ex took the kids to his mother's house last holiday season.

"The 22nd. You're driving with dad.", I said.

He then asked me, "Why aren't you coming?"

I told him, "I was uninvited."

My ex mother in law generously told me (via email, because she was 'too emotional' to talk to me on the phone, she said) I'd always be welcome in her home, despite the pain I caused by serving divorce papers to her son. (Which was her offhanded way of saying I could come to her house for Xmas with my kids last year. She didn't actually say the bit about me causing her pain, but I know she was hurt. We were all hurting.)

I thought I WAS welcome.

That lasted about a month. After I'd bought his whole family Xmas presents and an airline ticket to get myself there (so I wouldn't have to ride 9 hours in a car with ex, one way) she decided that the mere sight of me would be too painful to bear. Not to mention the opinions of my illustrious brother in law and sister in law, who had apparently decided I was the Antichrist because I started speaking my mind, finally.

When ex 'asked' me to consider not coming to his mother's house for Xmas in a late night email, so that people's 'feelings wouldn't be ignored', and that he'd 'always protect me but please consider his request', I was hurt, and told him to tell the kids himself why I wasn't coming. He didn't, of course. I've been cleaning up his emotional messes for 21 years. Why should I stop now? I'm skilled at it.

I watched the gears turns in my son's head a few seconds, bracing myself. "Why?", he asked, a pained look on his face.

"Dad thinks his family will be uncomfortable if I'm there, so they all decided I shouldn't go."

"Your own family?!", he asked, incredulous.

I nodded, swallowing a lump, "Sometimes when people get divorced, families take sides."

I valiantly struggled not to remind him that his dad came over for dessert at our house after Thanksgiving dinner (Ex's choice. He was invited to dinner.) with my family, dressed like Santa with a pimp hat, and made hot apple pie drinks for everyone. We're all still trying to fathom THAT one.

The part that makes me the most crazy is that I felt I was throwing myself to the lions. I was bracing myself, trying to figure out how to be kind, loving and graceful while I visited. I was willing to brave the lions because when I asked my children where they wanted me at Xmas, they said they wanted me where they were. So I bought the plane ticket. Apparently the wishes of the drama queens greatly outweigh the wishes of the children whose parents are getting divorced. Being rejected by people you love hurts even when you are trying to understand why they're doing it.

To be honest, I was relieved I wasn't going. I was having anxiety attacks thinking about it. But it broke my heart that it was the first Xmas I'd ever spent without my children. I tried to remember that it's just a day and that now I have a chance to make new memories and holiday traditions that will be a better fit for us.

"Sorry to say this mom, but they're being dicks.", said my sensitive, first born son.

As I looked into his beautiful blue eyes, watching me warily to see if I was going to reprimand him, I smiled because I know that whatever happens we love each other, that he knows that I am his biggest fan and advocate, and I will always be honest with him, just like he is with me.