Or...

...life throws a curveball and tells me to wait, be patient, see what happens next. 

And so I am waiting, happily in the moment, trying to focus on now and family and love. 

It's Time To Make A Huge Change

I need to move. I need to get off my ass and stop avoiding selling this house with Ex. I need to stop fearing the pain in the ass of dealing with him (again) and get together to put the house on the market.

I want to be with Partner all the time.

I'm scared because it's a big change, and so many things can go wrong or change in a short period of time.

I will also probably need to leave the job I love because where I want to live is too far to commute for a sane person.

Let me clarify:

Every friend I have in this area where I live works in my office. If I move, I won't see them every workday anymore. I love the feeling I get of having helped people we serve at the end of the day. My job is hard (emotionally) but easy to do. (I can do admin work with my eyes closed.) I could do without the constant battle of dealing with emotionally distraught people when I am just trying to get out of bed in the morning to deal with my own, albeit mostly happy, life. I could do with working in a different field. I've been told (*eyes Partner*) that I don't make very much money, but it's more money than I've ever made and I can pay my bills. I have benefits and a 401K.

AND:

I have no future or the hope of any kind of cost of living increase or promotion. There's no money in working for a nonprofit and nowhere to go UP. (Not that I want to. I'm happy working for someone I like.) It takes me 30-45 minutes to get to and from this job that is only 15-20 mins from my house. I am constantly at risk of someone going berserk, and something stressful or potentially dangerous happening (though the odds are low), or someone triggering me and making me cry.

It happens

The point is, it's time to move on. To start the new life I want, and that means a new house where Partner Kids, and Karma Kids and I can be together, and a new job.

I'll still need to drive a ways to get the kids to school, but I have to do what I have to do. I will figure out how to make it work.

I know that if I can leave an abusive marriage and coparent with my abuser, I'm brave enough to sell a house with him and change my job. It will be one less thing that connects me to him.

Ack. Scary!

Jesus...whew. *deep breath*

Let's do this.

I Internalize Things

Let's talk.

If something happens to me I don't usually talk about it, and I just let all of the things build inside of me until I reach a breaking point. I know I should open up about whatever I'm feeling, regardless of how much "I just don't want to get into it" or "I don't feel like talking." 

Speak up and tell your story. Express yourself.

I'm trying to take my own advice but the I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT gets me every time.

Dammit.

Son Loves Me

Son has gotten to the point when I say, "I love you.", he says it back. Makes me over the moon happy. He's creeping back. 

Now if we could get him situated in a school and classes where the stress didn't bring his wrath down on his sister and I, that would be great. In the meantime he's at Ex's house doing his thing while we take some time to relax and not fight. 

What Depression Feels Like

 Hyperbole and a Half

Though mine never quite gets beyond the sobbing, curled up in a ball, with or without alcohol in hand (mostly without, because I don't allow myself to drink alone anymore) at its worst, and a vague feeling of being uncomfortable or bored, and slightly frustrated and unsure of how to label how I feel, at best. Mostly I'm ok 90% of the time. But this lady is brilliant in her writing and description about depression.

Dear Son,

We're doing our very best for you buddy. Hang in there. We'll get through this godforsaken school/life stigma thing...We love you.

-All of us

I Can Do It

 
I joined Medifast to lose weight. I've been reading about it, and I'm going to try it for 4 weeks and see what happens. They provide the food, and you exercise and don't eat extra stuff. I'll start in 3-7 days when it's delivered then I'll try to maintain it on my own once I lose weight.

My doctor told me I needed to get down to 165 about three years ago. I weigh more now. So I want to lose 19. Then none of my clothes will fit, but that's what thrift stores are for!

Since I've been thinking about it so long, I guess it's probably not impulsive. I need to get my head out of the sand before I develop diabetes. I'm high risk, as you know.

I need more energy to keep up with all these kids I love so much, and my active Partner. :)

Wish me luck.

I can do it, I can do it, I can do it...

It's Getting Better - It Comes In Waves

Larry, Curly and Moe

I thank my family for their lovely support, though I have to admit that the snarlyness sometimes directed at my kids gives me mixed emotions. I know they love me and are supporting me, and are protective because of my history with Ex. I love them and appreciate them. I know it’s coming from their heart. Mama bear comes out to defend Kids even when they’re making me nutty.

I work with a lot of women who have adult/older children and they are supportive, when I open my mouth and share, and have assured me that it’s a phase and that Son will soften and be kinder eventually, just hang in there. Others tell me stories about their own sons, some really sad, and some positive. Mostly positive stories about parenting boys. I’m going to start going to a group when the kids aren’t with me for Parents who are Codependent with their kids. I think it will be good for me. My friend and coworker is going to scope it out and report back. She invited me to join her at the group.

I go through phases with my depression where I feel overwhelmed and need to vent when it seems insurmountable. Then I get back on that horse and parent my two kids who love, love, love me. I know that. I am safe to challenge and that is the stage they are in. June is starting, but in a passive aggressive way. It’s interesting.

At the end of the day, I still love to curl up with them and talk, laugh and watch movies. The majority of the time, which you don’t hear about, is when they feel bad about frustrating me and spend the next half hour acting like complete goofballs to lighten the mood. Couple nights ago 20 mins after Son stormed away from the dinner table (for the third time in four days) he scooted around on the floor like Curly, making Daughter and I crack up. It’s sometimes hard for me to switch gears, but I know that’s his way of asking forgiveness.

The truth of the matter is I reach out to them to be heard, and they hear me, and I appreciate and love them so much for it.

Future Me A Year Ago

Have you ever heard of Future Me? I've been writing to myself for a few years now and it opens my eyes every time to see how far I've come in just a year. This is mine from March 2013 (I've edited some of it for privacy - Also, apparently, I was having trouble with capitals and tenses.):

"Dear FutureMe,

I am in the final stages of divorce and I am so proud of myself for going through with one of the best choices I ever made. Despite Ex's anger and your anxiety attacks, you stood up for yourself and your kids and made a choice to improve our life and be healthier, mentally and emotionally. Partner and I are planning our future of forever together, and he just told his sister about me. The kids are doing well and Son sprained his ankle, and comes to you for questions and sharing because he feels safe. Daughter is struggling with stupid busywork state homework and rebelling a little bit. both kids will go to a new district and you want to move so, so badly to where Partner lives. Partner is out to his community and friends about you, and is the best man I've ever met in my life. you volunteered to hug at Burnal Equinox 2013 and getting involved changed your whole experience.

i love you. you are brave and magical things are coming to fruition for you. keep visualizing. :)

Love, 
Me"

Want to send yourself an email you'll see one year from now? Go to Future Me and sign up. I'm heading there now to write a letter for myself for next spring...

Son Abusing Me?

Hard day yesterday.

I read an article about kids abusing their parents and started a hard talk with Ex and Son's therapist. Son is verbally and emotionally abusive, and borderline physically abusive to Daughter and I. Ex and I were talking about switching the custody time around so he had them Mon-Thurs and I have them Fri-Sun, except one weekend a month. With flexibility for plans and trips, etc. Ex said he was willing to manage the bulk of the homework and scheduling so Son can't fight with me about it.

I feel ashamed that I can't manage my kid and that he bullies me.

I'm going to start going to a group with a friend and coworker next week for parents who are codependent with their kids Thursday nights.

And I have a phone meeting with Son's therapist today at 1230.

We would have the regular schedule for summer time, then we decided not to change the schedule. We worry that it might make things worse. It makes Ex the bad guy and I see the kids less.

Mostly we decided against the schedule because Ex realized how much extra work he'd have...I was ready to totally rearrange my life and schedule - but both kids were so upset about the change we read them the riot act then moved on with our day.
It did go better last night at my house...a little smoother. Everyone was being careful and mindful, including me.

I don't know what the answer is. We all had a come to Jesus talk and hopefully we got through to them. Daughter's been lying to me too. Very disappointing.

Ex said he's worried that Son is on the border of becoming a delinquent...I agree. He's skipped 7 classes (the same class) and is failing PE because he doesn't change into PE clothes, get this: because he doesn't want to run before he lifts weights.

...

Seriously. Who wants to run? But wow, he's willing to take grief from his teachers and his parents just so he doesn't have to deal with things he doesn't like.

His view of the future is so skewed...I'm lost.

Hopefully the phone call with his therapist today will enlighten me.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

 :)

A new link I'm putting in the sidebar on the blog...found it in a new group in Facebook. See it here.

Have a great weekend!

A Note To Partner about Ex From March 2012

"Husband (at the time) said many, many interesting things to me last night. We had one of the best talks we've ever had, in our entire marriage. He acknowledged that most of what's wrong between us is him. He went out and picked up a higher dosage of medication, and he told me that when he says NO, usually it means that he's distracted or that this is only his initial reaction without thinking, and that I should talk to him about it later. I told him that where I came from, No meant no. Silly me. He also said that even if he does say no, I should feel free to go ahead and do what I want anyway, if it's important to me. This sounds an awful lot like permission, but really it's his way of saying that I shouldn't let him tell me no, I can't go do something, and if he does, I don't have to listen. I know this, as an adult. I know I can do what I want. But marital strife is not my best thing. It's important for me for him to be ok with what I do, but I just am really frustrated with what he doesn't appear to be ok with. He is working hard on himself right now, and I can see the results. More and more every day."

Remember, at the time, we were practicing Polyamory by Partner's request.

We had many, many of these talks over the years but this is the first one where he acknowledged that the issues in our marriage might not be just me. (It takes two to tango...)

He promptly forgot this conversation, and stopped taking the meds after a time.

Also, me ignoring his NO and doing what I want usually resulted in a silent treatment situation like this, which was always horrible for me, so I stopped trying.

Anyway, just thinking about the past today and how fortunate I am to be so happy and free now.

Sometimes I Just Need To Fall Apart

Hopefully there is someone there to catch me, or at least be able to vent then pick myself up and put me back together.

Last night, it was daughter who helped put me back together...all beautiful, comforting, understanding, so-much-like-me, 12 year old loveliness. 

I have so much guilt about having she and Son see me fall apart. I know I have to sometimes, and it's normal, and I (you) just have to sometimes, but jeebus...

I ran out of words. I'm spent and tired today.

The point is, I got tired, fed up, and just plain overwhelmed with how much work Son is and fell apart. Today my eyes are swollen, I'm dehydrated, and my psyche is tired. I was curled up in a blithering ball of sob with Daughter wrapped around my back, soothing me.

I didn't know that much fluid could come out of my head at once.

That's a lot of work for a girl who's just trying to navigate her preteen years...but I do appreciate her so very much. I'd have to say she's my best girlfriend.

This morning I apologized and thanked her, telling her that I feel like I should keep up a strong face for her, but that I just can't all the time.

Crud. Now I know my eyes are showing my night last night because the second coworker came in and asked me if I was alright. (Yes, I often post at work. I'm taking a break. :)

Anyway, teenagers are a lot of work even when they don't have special needs. I know I have to let him fall so he'll learn to take care of himself. I need to step back and let him.

Love and light.

Tumblrer Twitterer Pinterester Instagramer...Why?!

Social networking...

I'm struggling with my fears and how much to put my story out there. I've gone back and forth for years about what, who, when, where, and why to tell my story without being discovered by Ex.

...I'm struggling, once again, with being the beneficiary of Ex's wrath.

Not to mention the people who would judge me or flat out not believe me. And they are out there...I respect the fact that Ex's family and the friends I lost in the divorce might not choose to believe what went on.

Except for that one Jackhole who texted me in the middle of the night that I was a BITCH for divorcing Ex, thus triggering a week-long anxiety attack. I don't respect him. I do, however, forgive because he has a small brain and has been hurt so badly by his ex-wife that he talks to all women that way.

We all have our karma to work out.

I've started linking some of my social networking accounts together to share my stories a little farther...I have a need, apparently. I ask that if you do see a real life name here and there, or a real life fact that leads you to find out more about me personally, or that your discover you know me AND Ex, that you use your new found information for good and not evil. :)

Why am I spreading my stories a little farther?

To help someone like me?

Revenge?

I love to write?

To get the stories out of my head, like a diary, so I can move on with my day? This, mostly.

I'm afraid Ex will see this blog and be enraged and that it will hamper our new, relaxed, best for the kids relationship.

If he does, what would I say?

I was angry?

I was hurt?

What you thought our relationship was, was not what it was for me?

I'm sorry for outing you? (Because he might choose to damage our relationship further, or take it out on the kids.)

I'm sorry for telling my truth? (I'm not. But I know how I get with him. Tell him what he wants to hear, when I'm afraid, so I can get the fuck out of dodge.)

All these reasons seem paltry next to the deep, deep fear I have about him being mad at me. About any man being mad at me.

I know that's why I haven't linked things together until now...why my blog has been anonymous.

Ask Partner about my fear of angry men, who held my hand while I shook and jumped with fear, and the tears that ran down my face while we were watching, "12 Years As A Slave". Ask the man who soothes me when I hear a loud noise and jump out of my skin. Who tells his Ex no, when she suggests something I can't emotionally handle. The man who holds me tight when my depression gets a hold of me and squeezes until I have to leave work for the day or hide in our bedroom.


I'm deciding to step farther out of my comfort zone a little more and show the world who I really am, because I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm trying to adopt the Zero Fucks Given approach, though I know there will always be things I give fucks about.

*bitch voice in head* WHAT IF THE KIDS SEE IT?!!

Then they do. They already know that my marriage to their dad was difficult and painful, and that mom's house is more relaxing than dad's. I'll answer their questions when they ask them. They are preteen/teenagers now...as for Karma Kids, they see very little media so I don't guess they'll see this any time soon, but when and if they do ask I'll answer as honestly as I can, editing for age.

At some point, I expect, all the kids will realize they have more power about where they stay than they know, and my house will be full more often.

I've put some new links down the sidebar here to some of the places I hang out when I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like working. :) There will be posts and pictures and things that won't be shown here, so if you're curious, feel free.

Social media: the escape for those who are able to utilize it.