Sexual Abuse

I was reading this article about "Intimate Partner Sexual Abuse" and it triggered me. I started remembering events I had not thought about for a long time, or outright forgotten. Most of them because they are just too humiliating and painful to remember.

It makes me sick and angry to think about it now.

Among the things I forgot:

Whenever we had the chance to go out together on a date, he would always plan for us to go somewhere and drink. Whether it was dinner or a bar, or both, I would jump on the bandwagon and self medicate. I know that now. I always wanted to get at least buzzed, because I knew he wanted me to dress sexy so he could show me off to other men. He'd whisper in my ear all evening about that guy or this guy we'd see while we were out. Would you do him? Would you let him do things to you? Getting drunk was the defense mechanism I came up with so I could do what he wanted me to do. So I could pretend with him when we were out. The price for being taken out was to act for him.

He once took me out to dinner for my birthday, and then to a "surprise" location. It turned out to be a sex club. I was embarrassed, offended, hurt, and outraged the whole time we were there. I realize now that my agitated state was a prolonged anxiety attack. I was terrified he'd talk me into doing something I didn't want to do, like have sex with a random man in there for the whole goddamned place to see. That's what he liked. Watching me with other men. It's not that I have anything against sex clubs at all, or voyeurism in theory. I was hurt that he took me there. It wasn't for me, it was for him. Every present he ever gave me was something he wanted to give me, somewhere he wanted to go, or something he wanted me to have, or wear. It was never something I would have asked for, and he never asked me what I wanted.

He would make demeaning remarks about women, particularly if he thought they were unattractive. He'd be watching television and would pause so he could show me some woman and describe to me why he thought she was unattractive, and call her names and make jokes. Incidentally, he made racial remarks about the people on TV as well.

He would watch me undress and make sexual noises or remarks, stare and act goofy, or alternately he'd say, "We need to join a gym."  It was 'ok', because he said WE. I hated undressing in front of him and I'm working on being comfortable in my skin again. 

He would make sexual jokes about what we'd done in private, or about my body, in public where our friends and strangers could hear.

If he was mad at me he would withhold affection. He would shun me. 

He'd grab at me if I was near him, grabbing my breasts or ass, or patting me on the ass ever time he walked by me. I felt like a piece of meat and it's one of the reasons I get so scared when someone comes up behind me.

Every time his birthday would come around, he'd ask me what I was going to do for him sexually for his present. He was always hinting at things he wanted to do, like take me somewhere where he'd read about a group of men that would gang bang your wife if you brought them, and he could watch, or to visit a friend of ours to have a threesome, or to meet a couple that were strangers so the men could swap wives. He was always researching what he'd like to do with me, then bring it up on holidays or our anniversary . It got to the point where I would dread holidays and trips with him.

He was always trying to talk me into letting him take nude pictures of me, or film me naked.

If I wanted a back rub, a hug, or some other affectionate touching, he'd say he'd do it in exchange for sex or he would just grope me until we ended up having sex. Because I wanted to be touched I'd agree. It felt like rape.

He'd ask me to perform sexual acts during sex that he wanted, and when I tried to initiate or do something I'd like, he would lose interest and move me around so that he was getting what he wanted again. He thought that if he made me come, then I had a good time. He did learn how to make me come quickly after all the years we were together, but if I didn't come before he did, he'd be sound asleep. Snoring while I blinked, wondering how I ended up feeling like a whore again. He wanted power and control during sex, and really, all the time. If I initiated he'd turn me down 50% of the time, unless I did something I knew he'd like...acting or dressing like a whore. I eventually stopped initiating, and then  he complained about always having to initiate sex himself.

Why couldn't it just be he and I, enjoying each other? Why did there have to be numerous imaginary men to get him off? It's weird because I never really thought it was me that was the problem during sex. I had that going for me. But his sense of shame afterwards always made me feel horrible. I knew he needed to fantasize and be in control to get off.

I was a whore for him. He made me feel sexually violated, even though he never forced me.

I thought that these were just things we dealt with as a couple. I never realized it was sexual abuse.