Silence Does Not Mean Consent

I spent so much time silent. Not one fucking minute more.

Mind you, I'm not going to run through the streets announcing my issues. They can kiss my behind. But I'm going to try not to isolate when I feel down anymore. I need to stop medicating with food and alcohol. My pants are too tight and that's pissing me off too.

I am so filled with hate for Ex. It pisses me off because I want to feel indifferent. If I'm pissed, he's still affecting me.

I think I need to try anti-depressants. I couldn't go to work one day last week, and that's never happened to me before. I was crying too hard to get out of bed.

I'm also looking into contacting Weave to get a recommendation for a group that would be helpful. I can't find a suitable group through my health insurance. They have groups for women who have personally suffered violence, and for depression. I am depressed, I know that. I need more. I need support for my abuse.

A friend of mine asked me if I thought there was a euphoric period after starting divorce proceedings, for a while, and then a crash. She was in a similar situation. I told her yes, that I thought that's what's happening to me.

At least I THINK that's what's happening to me. I'm pretty self aware most of the time. 

I have horrible guilt about staying in the relationship that long. I stayed and he abused Son. Horrible guilt. I can't help thinking that if I'd gotten out sooner that Son would have fewer mental health issues. I'll never know. 

I spoke with my mother on the phone last night. She asked me some hard questions, and for that I am grateful. I told her about my guilt, and she asked me if he'd ever hurt Daughter. I told her no, and the unequal treatment of my sensitive, loving, funny son enrages me too. My mother, in all her wisdom, told me that he never hurt Daughter because she's not a disappointment to him. That made me cry. Son is a disappointment to Ex. It broke my heart when I discovered that.

A coworker of mine says that was when I was codependent, and that I can't judge myself too harshly. All I can do is stand up for myself now. Speak my peace and take care of myself and my kids.

I seem to have fallen off the Take Care Of Myself wagon. I'm heading to Partner's house tonight to cuddle and laugh. That always helps.