I Fell Off My Horse, And It Hurt

I am much stronger than I was before I started divorce proceedings. I was also very strong to stay as long as I did, but had my head in the sand about being able to fix it and make it work,. I tried to leave Ex 6 years ago when his emotional abuse of our son was the straw that broke the camel's back. He made promises and short term changes in order to get me to stay. When I discovered that there were people out in the world who would be happy to treat me and my children with respect and kindness, wouldn't try to control my every move by gaslighting me, wouldn't emotionally and physically abuse me and our kids (mainly our son), and wouldn't treat our two kids so differently that I was terrified he was making Son's mental health issues worse, I had to get the fuck out.

It was no longer just about me and my head in the sand. It was the fact that our son threatened to kill himself when Ex was home alone with the kids, about a year ago. It was that Ex would become so furious with our son that he would shove him to the ground or into a wall, and verbally browbeat him until his self esteem was nonexistent, and I had to get them and myself away form him, as least part of the time if that was all I could manage. Abuse is really, really hard to prove, particularly if it's not physical.

And I am afraid of Ex. I am afraid of the mask of the healthy, caring, considerate husband and father that he puts on when he wants something. Which is everything.

I am afraid that some day he will snap and come for me.

Ex harassed me so much about two months ago via text that I was still shaken weeks later. I should not have engaged him but I'm tired of him, and I made the mistake of trying to reason with a controlling, abusive, unsympathetic philistine. He always starts out by putting on his mask of THE PERFECT FATHER & EX HUSBAND when he wants something and, particularly after a long period of time since we've disagreed, he  slowly slips into his current list of demands, then slips further into why I'm wrong, he's right, and why.

That last time was that he wanted me to pay him back the money he gave me and the kids in good faith, that I took in good faith, to help out before the child support kicked in. Alternately, he tells me to let him know if I ever need money. And he's pissed that I filed my taxes 'married filing separately'. and that he owes the IRS. And he says my lawyer has committed fraud and he's not signing the papers she recently mailed him until she signs something agreeing that he was right all along. (Incidentally, this is the third time we have altered papers to correct what he thinks was wrong with them.)

I don't know why I expected that my doing what he asked would be good enough for him. That my making the changes he asked me to make would satisfy him. That he would stick to his word and sign the papers like he promised if I would just resubmit them with a small change. Why would he change? He's done this to me for 21 years.

When will I learn?