I saw a movie once (or was it a book I read?) where two women were talking about the main two fantasies that woman have: The White Fantasy (getting married) and The Black Fantasy (becoming a widow).
I used to fantasize about getting married. Living in a house I owned, having children, dogs, and a husband that adored me. I was sure that this would make me happy and I'd live happily ever after.
Unfortunately, after about 10 years of marriage, my white fantasy turned into the black fantasy. I was married for 21 years.
Don't get me wrong: I never wanted ex to die. I never wanted my children to lose their father. I didn't want anyone hurt. I didn't really want to lose my husband, though I already had. (He wasn't the man I hoped he was when I chose him.) Being a widow seemed like the least frightening way to find eventual happiness.
I read The New Fantasyland and it reminded me about what I used to fantasize about. I fantasized about being able to choose for myself. Do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. Go out with friends, choose the products at the stores that I wanted, eat what I wanted to eat, be friends with the people I chose, and talk to my family on the phone without fear of being overhead and 'punished'. I wanted someone who would thank me for cooking, instead of telling me what I should do next time to make it better, or just spitting it out on the plate in disgust and pushing the plate away. (All of this in full view of our children who were starting to follow in his footsteps in more than just at table. The horror when I realized that my son might grow up thinking this is how you treat women was another straw that broke the camel's back...another post to write.) I wanted someone who didn't storm away in anger if I said something he didn't want to hear. Someone who looked me in the eye while I was talking, instead of walking away from me because he had something more important to do. Someone who didn't spend his time in a 'discussion' explaining to me why something I wanted to do wasn't a good choice. Someone who would hold my hand when we walked down the street, and someone who I could hug who wouldn't didn't think that every touch was an invitation to grope me like a teen aged boy. Someone who would let me lay close to him while I slept. I wanted someone who never asked me to change my clothes, makeup, hair or weight. I wanted someone to protect me and love me unconditionally. Someone who would treat me like I was important to them.
I really just wanted to be free of him.
What I needed was to protect myself from resentment, criticism, and a life that I had lost control of. I didn't even know I was lost until I woke up one day and realized that I was tired. Tired of working so hard to please someone who was (is still) so full of self loathing and anger.
Ex would argue that he never MADE me do anything, but he's missing the point. This is why I don't argue with him anymore.
Like the woman who wrote the article, I fantasized about ex staying out of my life. I understand that he will always be around, however. He IS the father of my children and they love him. I am getting better at setting and keeping boundaries. I just make my own choices and work with him as best I can for the kids. I have made a pact with myself to only talk to him about the kids and the house we co-own. The kids are quickly learning why I have chosen to divorce him. He's teaching them himself through his actions.
I'm starting over, coming up with new fantasies that are healthy. The difference now is that my fantasies are coming true.
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