On Getting Married or The Wedding I Didn't Want or Labels or Whackadoo Tangent Post

(This is my assumed response from you, reading this whackadoo post.)

An acquaintance just announced on Facebook that she is engaged to be married, and has asked for advice. I am excited for her and gave her some, even though she pointed her request at the married ladies. Not thinking, I posted my advice before remembering that I'm newly divorced. 

Force of habit, I guess. 

My identity is still sorting itself out, apparently, even though I feel clear on who and where and what I am...or maybe I'm blurred, which is where I really prefer to be. Blurry feels comfortable. 

That way, I can be whatever I want.

The advice I gave her was this:

"Oh my goodness. First, congratulations! Next, I was anxious too. I had a lot of pressure as well, and caved and didn't really have the event I truly wanted (but that was the nature of my personality and relationships, and not yours). It's seen as a big deal by lots of people, but is your party. You can go to the courthouse or have eleventy-billion people. Your choice. My challenges were my intractable fiance and my pushy mil. I had twice as many people as I wanted and lots of details that I didn't want as well. I had a pushy bridesmaid too, who influenced my choices. If I had to do it all over, I'd have about 20 people. Close family and friends, an oak tree, a simple, matching ring, a red dress, and my guy. That's it. The bottom line is, make it what you want. If you want nothing, just sign the paper. If you want a big deal, make a big deal!", and then added, "Oop! Also, remember that it doesn't matter how it goes: If you end up married, it went well! (Also, I'm newly divorced but I still put my input here.)"

Which led me to thinking about how I used to feel more comfortable with labels and a slots to fit into:

Married, mother, poly, open marriage, codependent, needy, patient, daughter, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, sister in law, woman, wife, lover, highlighted blond, curvy, big boobed, borderline overweight, wrinkling, girly, self medicating, spacey, kind, helpful, doormat, cousin, stretch marks, high maintenance, conservatively-classically dressed, private, introverted, shy, chapstick obsessed, lazy...

I could keep going on but I just got bored of it.

The point is, I put all these labels on myself (with the help of society and Ex and the other unhelpful people in my life) and fit myself into them one way or another. 

And before I make my next point, let me say that I hate it when people get all lathered up about how labels ruin us and everything and society, though I use them on myself...

I met a woman who, when I asked if she was a vegetarian (we were eating together in a restaurant with some kids and friends), replied that she didn't like labels, that she ate what she was comfortable putting in her body, and then when she realized she had just drunk cold water, that she hadn't drunk cold water for years, then she wondered out loud what it would do to her body.

...

Holy crap.

I can only say here that I hope the look on my face in response didn't match my thoughts, which can be described in a typed action: 

*blink*     or 

O_o         or  

WTF??

Did I make my point? I'm laughing at myself and my tangents now. 

Labels have a place if you are comfortable with them. I've found recently that I'm not comfortable anymore in the labels I wrapped around myself like a shield. In my redefinition I have chosen some new labels for myself (paradoxically) and if I think about them they are:

Divorced, earth mother, in a relationship, open minded, non-judgemental, daughter, sister, woman, Partner, sensitive, patient, lover, blond going gray, beautiful, curvy, self accepting, mostly vegetarian, kind, helpful, cousin, niece, curly haired, natural, chapstick obsessed, burner, organic, re-purposing, recycling...and I got bored again of thinking of things to describe myself but I sound sort of like a hippy - which is where I have leaned my whole life but didn't feel comfortable in THAT label either.

Back to the Facebook response post I started with. I am sorting out my new life and my new identity, and am having a great time doing it, even though it sometimes feels scary as hell. I feel free and totally me for the first time, probably, in my entire life. I owe it to myself, my children, the lessons I've learned, turning 45 (which I did last weekend), and Partner and our blended family, without whom all of this would have happened very differently, but nonetheless it would have happened.

I am brave, I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am loved.

The real point is now I'm ME, goddammit.

Thank you Universe, for all of it.

YEAH.

(There you have it.)

On This Day, The Day I Celebrate My Mother...

(I am the queen today.)

Normal Life. Is That What This Is?

I started to write a little bit about this here, and wanted to write a little more.

Last Friday night Partner and I took Kids to see a movie. They had both seen it, but wanted to watch me see it. It absolutely terrified me and I loved it. What is it about me that I love apocalypse movies? Whether zombies, god and the devil, or tectonics and space, I love them.

I spent Saturday doing laundry and puttering around my house, recharging and getting stuff done. Partner went out to do his thing then came back in the afternoon, and we went out and wandered around looking in art galleries and listening to live music. We drank beer and looked at vendors and had dinner in a wonderful little (hot and sweaty) place I had been to once before. We wandered home and fell asleep like two happy old people. Woke up Sunday and he mowed my lawns while I battled his electric edger, having to turn it off and take it apart to pull more plastic cord out. Then he made brunch while I folded laundry and did more chores. Then he vacuumed my whole house, better than I ever have, while I scrubbed the bathrooms.

When Partner originally asked me what I was doing that weekend I told him I had the kids and that I had a lot of chores to do that I had put off. He said, “I’ll come see you.”, and then proceeded to help me get them done quickly and efficiently, then we drove all over running my errands and his, like a real couple. We shopped, bought bunny hay, rented a movie and hit a wine barn place. Then we went home and he did research for a project and I read my book, happily recharging my batteries in the same room with him. Later I made dinner and we watched the movie we rented. Monday morning we got ready for work and Son wandered in and started to turn on the TV when Partner engaged him in a strategy game while I got ready for work. I left them there playing as I drove to work.

I can’t tell you how weird it is to willingly run all over the place at home and out in the world with a person who is amicable, flexible, funny, and helpful, and to know that this person cares deeply for me and my kids and helps in any way he can with them too.

I also know that this kind of detail can be boring, but for me it’s very exciting and novel. I don’t remember EVER doing this much and having so much fun doing it with any partner or bf I’ve ever had.

EVAR.

I was talking to my brother about it and he told me that hearing that I was having a normal life now was refreshing.

Huh.

Is THAT what this is?

When I’m at Partner's house we do the same sort of stuff with me occasionally 'hiding' in his room if his Ex is there because, for chrissake, there is only so much negativity I can take before I flee behind a closed door. It works out because Partner totally gets it and his kids come in and see me. His Son climbs up into my lap to cuddle, telling me I’m the best cuddler he has ever met.

Damned straight, I am.

New Template Again! (new post underneath :)

Woo!

I Make Up Stuff To Worry About

This is the report on Kid's reaction to me changing back to my maiden name:

Me:
"Hey, I need to talk you both about something that is not really a big deal, but I wanted to tell you before you heard it somewhere else..."

Son:
*making random noises as he plays his game*

Daughter:
"Ok."

Me:
"Son, please pause for a minute."

Son:
*pauses and picks up his phone*

Me:
*takes a deep breath*
"I am changing my name back to my maiden name. The name I had before I married your dad. Since we're divorced, I thought I'd like to just have my name back."

Son:
*finally looks at me, and pauses, thinking*

Daughter:
"Ok Mom."

Son:
"Can I show you something?"
*starts messing around with his game again*

Me:
"Yes, but wait...pause. Please listen. Does it feel weird to have a different last name from mine?"

Son:
"No."

Daughter:
"No. That was your name before."

Me:
*blinks*

Son:
"Can I show you now?"
*turns back to TV and starts chattering away, smiling*


I made a mountain out of a molehill again. I love my kids.

Goddamned Help

My friend is in a wheelchair. I can't tell you how hard I tried not to feel that way, but she wigged me out for a very long time.

She's taught me many lessons about help, inadvertently.

She came to burning man last year and I got to know her. We have a mutual group of friends and I see her at a big event every summer and during the holidays, and I talk to her on Facebook sometimes.

Last spring she and a lover of hers camped at Partner's house as they passed through. She was born with twisted hands and I don't think I've ever seen her feet but, now that I think about it, I think I remember that she doesn't have feet. Her power chair is pretty quick and she has a service dog who is sweet as pie, he is. And huge.

Anyway, she asked me for help whenever I saw her and I think it's because she saw me noticing her. She asks for help a lot (Actually I don't know if that's true. To me it looks like a lot but I'm impaired about help. Plus, we usually see each other at events where she/people need/give help.) and chatted with me once about how hard that used to be for her. 

'That' being asking for help. I can relate.

The guys lift her wheelchair in and out of cars for her or over a threshold, and occasionally she'll ask for a ride to an event. They steady her while she powers up plywood homemade ramps into houses. At burning man last year she asked me to help her get the homemade shower ready for her and to help her with some of her costumes. She has trouble with zippers. Her dog followed another male dog around at the summer event, clearly smitten. I've seen Partner lift her onto couches from her chair. She told me he's one of the few she trusts to do that because she knows he won't drop her. And that he's strong enough. I fell in love with him, harder, last summer. I also watched, horrified, as he gave her unholy crap about something. I held my breath, afraid to laugh, until I saw her bust into guffaws. My relief was palpable. I don't know why I feared she would be immune or offended by his snark and sarcasm. I asked him about it later. He basically said that he didn't care if she was in a wheelchair, she was going to get the same heckling everyone else did. Why should he be careful? It made me pause.

Why indeed?

Now whenever I see her I go up and say hello. I sit down next to her and pet her dog and ask how she is. I ask if I can help her and 9 times out of ten she accepts my help and thanks me.

I believe she's a public speaker and advocate. I need to ask her about that because I'm curious.

She's funny. She's smart and she's beautiful. She's my friend.

My mom, talking to me about a man she saw refusing wheelchair help, got me thinking about my friend. Sometimes we need help and when you let people help you, your life is easier.

Partner and my friend have taught me a lot about asking for and accepting help. I still get squicky when Partner leaps out of my bed on a Saturday morning and mows my lawn. Last weekend he vacuumed my house better than I've ever done it, while I scrubbed the bathrooms. The squick time is fleeting now because at one point he questioned me about it. He likes to help. He wants to help. He loves me and wants to do things for me. I feel the same way about helping him so I've relaxed a lot.

Am I so fucking undeserving of help or did I get used to Ex refusing to help me? I believe I already had the proud disposition, and that made the difficult interactions in my marriage harder.

Easier Said Than Done, But I'm Trying!

Tips for a Stunning Life 

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant. 

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 

3. When you wake up in the morning ask the universe's guidance. 

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds. 

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 

7. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card. 

9. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. 

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.

11. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

12. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 

13. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present. 

14. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’ 

17. Help the needy, be generous, be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

19. Time heals everything. 

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

21. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. 

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 

23. Each night before you go to bed be thankful for what you accomplished.

24. Remember that you are blessed and try not to be stressed.

My Zen (and yours, if you like)

It's Not Just Me

"LONDON — The photographs of the art dealer Charles Saatchi with his hands around the neck of his wife, the celebrity chef Nigella Lawson, look as startling now as when they were published last month. But what has happened since has been, in its way, equally unsettling."

Happy Can Be Your Thing

When I'm unhappy I think this is bullshit and don't care. Most of the time, when I am happy and am successfully fighting my demons, I know it to be true. 

Read, "Feeling Good", by Dr. Burns to learn how to change your negative thinking. 

These Things Are A Hazard

I needed to smile today.

Boob power to all of us curvy girls!

12 Step Program For My Bullshit

My friend yelled at me for being mean to myself the other night. I love her. She and I have similar Ex stories to swap.

It's sad when I need to work on boundaries with MYSELF.

Hi, my name is Bettye and I am emotionally abusive to myself.


Self,

Shut the hell up.

Sincerely,
Me.


I need to remember this.

Wildlife In My Head

From tut.com in my email this morning:

"Do you know what happens, (name), to wildlife when left alone from intellectual minds? It thrives, because thriving is its default setting. Just look at a forest.

And do you know what happens to wildlife when given just a little direction by intellectual minds? It still thrives, because thriving is its default setting. Just look at a rose garden.

And do you know what happens to wildlife when there is too much thinking? Yeah, what wildlife?

Wild thing,
The Universe"

I was alone last night and broke my new rule of no more negative thoughts. I got myself really worked up and afraid, then started texting my mother and Partner. I really need to learn how to be alone without beating myself up.

Jeez.

I was like a punching bag for that bitch in my head.

Wth? Why are we so mean to ourselves?.

Redirection

I've just come back from the most relaxing vacation I may have ever had. After a week of staring at the ocean and my beloved family, sans Ex for the first time since we met, I've decided that I need to stop focusing on the past pain and focus on processing my healing.

Again. I'm hoping it will take this time. I'm feeling healthier and more positive than I have in a very, very long time. 

Part of my positivity is due to reading, "Eat, Pray, Love", for the second time. The difference is, this time I can relate to the author. It's not just a book about the year she took to heal after her horrible divorce, but the healing process afterward. It's a great book and has inspired me to meditate and focus on my positivity. 

It's time to heal and move on.