Frustrating!

I KNOW Son can do more than I sometimes give him credit for; that I need to believe in him. And I do! I do! I'm his biggest damned advocate and have been since he was born. 

I know I'm also overprotective.

We grew up together; I learned how to raise children with my special needs child. I sometimes look at Daughter as an adult because she is so different, and I know that's not fair to her. She's four years younger and tries really hard to be patient and understand why he's such a squeaky wheel and gets more attention. I also try to acknowledge her for it. Often.

Son wants to be home schooled like his BFF, but Ex says Son needs the socialization of his public school. We have often differed in what to do for Son, and how to raise him. I tend to coddle him, and Ex tends to be a drill sergeant.

I'd do anything to help him find his place in the world and his self esteem. He is not a boy/man that thrives in big groups.

He spent a good part of the weekend with party guests taking breaks alone. Partner got him out on the Ultimate Frisbee field to play with his pickup team, and Son lasted a few minutes before he declared his foot hurt. He also asked why Partner was yelling at him, and since another sensitive boy who was there asked Partner NOT to yell at him, I know that it's just THE DAD VOICE partner has sometimes when he's trying to organize a group of kids/people. I explained that to them and everyone felt better...Partner thought it was amusing and pointed out the they weren't likely to hear that voice from him anywhere else.

I'm thrilled because Son went out and tried. That is HUGE. I am fortunate that Partner understands my need for a positive role model for Son as well as occasional help. He'll do things for Partner (so far) that he won't do for me.

I'll take it. 

Son is more like me in that he needs/wants to be solitary sometimes. He played with everyone at the party and had a good time, but the lack of routine and knowing what would happen next has always disturbed him.

No matter what I do, Son is son and I have to help him find the path that works for him. Not what his father would like him to be...and for the record, I wouldn't change him one bit, unless I could do something to make life easier for him.

Which reminds me...when my brother came out of the closet (we were in high school) my mother cried. She explained to him that it was not because he is gay, it's because his life was going to be harder.

That's how I feel about Son. I love him. I love the way he is. I love that he just wants to be loved and make people laugh. He wants acceptance and to be comfortable. 

Isn't that what we all want?

The issue is, often it takes different circumstances to give him that comfort and acceptance.

If he was home schooled (charter schools here where he can go in once a week and do his work at home) he'd be in an environment with other kids like him. There would be socialization and more potential for good friendships in an atmosphere that is understanding, rather than being silent in public school for fear that someone will judge him and compare him to the other kids who don't appear to have social and school trouble like him.

He has friends, just not many in his public school.

I don't know what's right for him. He's more like me, and people don't GET that. His dad thinks I'm holding him back. Putting labels on him. 

I have labels dammit! Depression! Learning disability! Social anxiety! Codependent! ADD! Where do I draw the line between trying to make people understand and labeling him?! Argh.

For the record: his dad and I are great at co-parenting. I don't have (many) complaints. He loves them.I respect his opinion because he does his best just like I try to do

....and labeling myself. I'm not ashamed of my mental health.

However, I think Son will most likely stay in public school because Ex and I have to agree for Son to change his education plan. Ex stopped responding to my emails about Home Schooling and changed the subject.

Story of my life with him.

10 and Not Blinding Party Goers

Partner was telling his best friend yesterday that his dad took him to see "10" (with Dudley Moore) when he was 8. He told Best Friend that he's liked big breasted women ever since, then he looks meaningfully at me.

*more than a little pride and a big grin*

On another note, this last weekend was another for EPIC BEST WEEKENDS EVER for the memory books. There is so much to tell, I'm overwhelmed with what to put first.

So I'll start with:

Daughter was opening presents in which one mom had packed "poppers"; those confetti things that have a kick in them, that are supposed to be used outside only. Daughter was so distracted and excited she shot it off right then and there.

Next thing we know, her best friend from grade school is screaming bloody murder. I shoved one kid out of the way, hard, to get at her to see if she was alright, and took control of the situation. I talked to her and kissed her forehead and soothed her until she calmed down enough to talk. I then ascertained that she was not bleeding or blind, then ushered her off to the bathroom to wash out her eye. Partner came up behind with a wet towel, which turned out was all she needed. The spark apparently landed on her eyelid and not her eyeball, thank you little tiny baby jesus.

Daughter told me this later the next night when we were checking in together after the busy weekend. I told her she might have told me that sooner! I thought her friend's mother was going to skin me, and that Daughter had blinded a party guest.

Daughter's BFFGS then proceeded to get giggly and happy again, and I texted her mom, who was not concerned because she was fine.

Thank you thank you thank you.

I came back into the room with D's BFFGS and everyone was relieved she was ok. Before we moved on with presents I got their attention and said, "Alright now, who did I shove when I was trying to get at D's BFFGS?" Karma Daughter raised her hand, grinning. Good lord. I shoved my own Karma Daughter out of the way. I also discovered my phone on the floor, which is apparently where I threw it as I shoved KD.

Sigh.

Welp, no one can say I'm not in control in a crisis. Partner did tell me later that if I was going to shove anyone, I made a good choice because KD is tough. :) I can always count on him to soothe me.

A few minutes later I discovered Son was falling apart, having been traumatized by the screaming...he is so sensitive...so much like me. I talked him down and cuddled and soothed him, as best as I could soothe a boy/man that is taller than I, and we talked it out. I told him his reaction was totally normal, as was mine, and he started crying. He felt better, and not as embarrassed as Partner came in to check in with him too, and then Son's friend drifted in...and we moved along with the party.

I took a quick breather in my room and started to fall apart myself, coming down off the adrenaline, gave myself 5 minutes, than staggered back into the fray.

It was still one of the best weekends on record, and I will post again later to tell more stories.

Have a great Monday!

Loss of Innocense & Her Birthday

Angry bird is angry.

Son was walking home from school yesterday with his hoodie up on (because he hates it when the wind blows his hair) and he told me a woman in the new neighborhood at his dad's house pulled up to him in her car and told him "THEY" were watching him because of burglaries in the neighborhood.

...

WTH is wrong with people?! He's a 15 yr old with special needs walking home from school. He said he cried a little and ran home.

WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD KID! YOU'RE A THIEF!!!

I cried from frustration on my commute this morning. How can I protect him? I can't.

Goddammit.

I am blessed to be entrusted with his love and care. 


In other news,

She derps.

12 years ago today I gave birth to my best friend and Daughter. I am blessed to be entrusted with her love and care.

The pregnancy was difficult as I had gestational diabetes. I also worked in a grade school with rough kids. A fight broke out at least once a week. That job was a nightmare...I went on maternity leave and never went back. I felt guilty about leaving the kids but I really couldn't handle them...no one could.

I induced labor (mistake) because she was a week late. They kept upping the epidural because it wasn't working. I was shaking uncontrollably from the pitocin and she was born blue, with the cord wrapped around her neck. No one told me that until later. I just knew they wouldn't let me see her immediately.

They kept her in NICU for a week, with me coming twice a day with my mom (thank you mom!) to feed her. They wanted to make sure SHE didn't have diabetes. She did not, and they finally let me take her home.

I was thrilled she was healthy and giggly, and still is. She is a miracle, as is Son.

I'm Not Poly

 One more post today:

Partner and I had a wonderful weekend, and had some quiet time to talk. I think I brought the subject up because I wanted to talk to him about how I felt.

I told Partner that I don't think I was ever, truly, poly. (I wrote about it here and here.) I shared with him that I thought I agreed with Ex to open our marriage and try Polyamory because I was searching for something I wasn't receiving in my marriage.

I was trying to fill the holes in my heart.

It's funny; often when I bring up things to share with Partner, he ends up telling me something that means the world to me. It's like a reward for sharing my thoughts with him.

He told me that he felt exactly the same way. That he doesn't think there would ever be that much room in his heart for someone else, because he loves me so much.

He said exactly what I felt. Then I melted.


I am over the moon in love with this man, and he reminds me why every day with his words and his actions.


To top it off, last night Partner came over after dinner and Kids and I were decompressing after eating together. He and I started playing a game together, sitting on the couch...then Daughter drifted into the room when her homework was finished, and snuggled next to me, then Son came out of his cave to hang out with us too, and ended up snuggling with us on the couch as well. Dogs were up in there too, with Bunny hopping around our feet happily. I looked over at Partner and he was sleepy and happy as I rubbed his feet in between turns in the game, Daughter kissing my cheek, Son showing us the game he was playing on his phone, and Bunny teasing and playing with ADHD Dog when he ventured down off the couch.

I have never been happier, and am succeeding in being present in the moment whenever I can.

What a blessing.

Thank you.

I Edited My Caveat And Thank You

  (I realize I already used this picture, but I wanted it here too.)

It was time to make some edits to my Caveat and Thank You at the bottom of this blog page. As I learn and grow, I've found that some of what I had written in the posts makes me wince. Some of it due to the amazement at how far I've come, and some due to the venom and anger that fueled my fear and anxiety. 

A coworker told me this week that she has seen how far I have come, and congratulated me. I was surprised because I don't always remember exactly how it felt back when I was trying to decide whether or not to get divorced. Every so often I go back and read some of my posts to remember and appreciate my growth and healing.

I think it's important to keep everything in perspective, particularly to be aware of how much better I feel, and how much happier I am.

The mention of my diagnosis in the Thank You seemed important to write, as it was brought to mind this morning when I was talking with a loved one about her pain, and my trying to support her without knowing exactly what's going on. 

She is loyal and strong, and I have always admired and strove to emulate her.

This week, if nothing else, please let the people you love know how much you care about them. It's vital, and might help them along their own path. I was trying to express this to her.

For my sister-in-law, I say:

"To all of the wonderful people throughout the years who have been kind and patient with me as I have navigated my self toward this independence. To the rediscovery of me. Please know that I was/am navigating an emotional minefield of divorce and abuse in the best way I knew how including anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, and it was not my intention to hurt anyone. I burned some bridges and lost some important relationships along the way. My diagnoses have had their way with me, but in no way define me any longer."

And also, I love you. I support you. And I am here for you, always. Not just because of the family relationship we've had, but because your heart is as big as the kindness you have always shown me.

Thank you.