My Sugar

I've been trained that when you ask your partner to do something for you, it doesn't happen. So I became completely self sufficient as a wife, mother, and person. And resentful. I did everything myself. It was easier than being repeatedly rejected. Interestingly, as a spin off of that, I became stronger and independent of ex, all but emotionally. When I was talking to my friends and family about getting divorced, they warned me I would need to get used to doing everything myself. My response? "I've been doing that for twenty years." I'd been doing it, but didn't have the autonomy to make the decisions. I was a good, if grumbling, worker bee.

I was watching my brother and his partner together and I was amazed, as I always am, at how couples that work well together work. I have very little experience with this except within the last two years and so I am learning. And I love to watch. People watching is my favorite.

Shortly after I filed for divorce I was out running errands and I passed a couple that looked to me like they were in their 80's. I watched them walk together for a little while. They were holding hands. I burst into heart wrenching sobs and had to sit in my car until they subsided. That is what part of my plan was when I married ex. To grow old and happy with someone to love, who would love me back unconditionally. I've mentioned this before. Ex never held my hand for longer than he was able to come up with an excuse not to.

ANYWAY, my brother in law asked my brother to turn on some Christmas music. AND HE DID IT. *blink*

This may not be astounding to you, but it is to me. He asked him to do something, and he happily did it! He didn't say, "I'll do it later.", or, "I'll do it in a minute.", or "I can't, I have a dog/cat/plate-of-food/kid on my lap.", or, "I'm tired.", or, "I'm about to do something.", or my all-time favorite, "No."

A little while ago I had two friends, a lovely married couple, over to my house sorting a tea delivery and I smiled as I watched them work together happily. It was wonderful to see them moving around each other comfortably, helping each other with such a simple task.

I find now that when people outside of work ask me to do something for them it triggers me. I find myself feeling resentment automatically before I catch myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm 99% of the time happy to help out and don't actually feel resentment toward the person because I now see it for what it is. It's my problem and I'm better and better all the time. Ironically, when I was asked by ex to help with something it usually entailed me standing around waiting for instructions, doing nothing. Now I end up standing around trying to figure out how I can help, waiting for someone to ask me instead of just jumping in. My comfort zones are constantly ebbing and flowing, and eventually I will be more relaxed. I hope. I'm working on it very hard. Consequently my children don't help me enough because I'm not good at delegating. I'm working hard on that too, especially now that it's just the three of us at home.

That couples help each other is something I've only wondered and daydreamed about. I think I've made my point.

I posted the following tidbit in my private blog last year:

My bf (now partner) and I were chatting back and forth and he told me I was, "Like sugar in the rain.", and I'm still mooning over it and him to this day. He's an amazing man and I adore him.

I've actually talked with people who have said, "Oh, you're THAT couple." That over the moon in love couple.

We also work well together. I can't tell you how many times he's helped me out when I haven't asked him to. He just happily jumps in, smiles at me, and gets to work. If I'm correct, I've rarely ever asked him to do anything for me because it's really hard for me to ask. I've started to experiment with asking him to do things for me and he hasn't turned me down once. Simple things like, would you please hand me that, or would you please rub my foot? His enthusiasm to show me how much he loves me through these small acts of affection totally blow me away and they bring me near tears with the simplicity of the act of asking and receiving. It seems odd to even be writing that something so kind and uneventful would move me that much.

Just the other night we were having dinner out and the server asked if we wanted another drink when our dinners were eaten. My partner turned to me and asked if I'd like another drink. I stammered and asked him what he'd like to do. He immediately turned to the server and told him we needed a few minutes to think about it. I was surprised. I realized that he was giving me time to think about it because he was ok with whatever choice I would make. I told him I would like another drink. Later, when I mentioned it to him he told me he didn't want to choose FOR me, and I thanked him. I was moved and happy.

He holds my hand whenever I want and I am a very, very blessed woman.