Though I was never physically attacked I was, and am when I let my guard down, crushed by his verbal and emotional abuse disguised as 'help', 'suggestions', or 'conversations about the kids'. I'm always, 'too sensitive', 'too emotional', or I 'take things personally'. If I would just listen I would understand why his idea or opinion about what I should do is a good one, and better than my own.
I'm struggling with boundaries because I keep thinking he won't do it again. I've been in this thought process for 21 years. In fact, in one week he crushed me twice and I'm struggling to smile and move on through my guilt about disrupting the children's lives, and the blame and shunning from his family I've received.
We went to court again because he's haggling with my lawyer over ten dollars difference in child support as well as, 'where she (my lawyer) gets her numbers'. I'm not as concerned about spousal support because technically I make too much money to qualify for it. I can support myself. I need help supporting the kids. He's also now railing about wanting me to sign an agreement that I can never have anyone move into the house we co-own that I live in with the children. I've never said one word to him about anyone ever moving into my house.
I have to get out from under that house to get out from under the last thing he can hold over my head.
He tried to kiss me in front of the kids (My reflexes are quick. I dodged and asked him wth he was doing.) and he called me a liar because I didn't tell him I was getting a Christmas tree with the kids that night.
I'm grateful for my children. They've been a huge source of strength as I lay curled up in bed crying, struggling to keep my mouth shut about what has really upset me. What their father said to me. I don't feel I should rail against him in front of them. Sometimes I feel it's a disservice. Most times I feel they shouldn't carry that uncomfortable burden, and I'm letting them form their own opinions. Besides, he shows his true self regularly without any of my help.
Reading about other people's experiences is helping me strengthen my boundaries and start to heal. Spending time with other people who are loving and kind is helping me more. I'm strong, but I still sometimes fall into the traps. I want to keep saying he doesn't realize he's doing it. But is that really true? And does it matter? I don't know anymore. I also don't know if I'm still trying to make things better in my head with denial.
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