Today is the meeting with ex and my lawyer so they can hammer out the money. (I'm writing this as I sit at my desk trying to deep breathe my anxiety away, in preparation for leaving for the appointment.) As near as I can tell my only function at this meeting is for me to nod YES to agree with what they come up with so he'll sign the stupidy papers. I know my lawyer will do right by me and I am beyond irritated that I'm using my stipend because he's arguing with her.
My goal is not to let him hug me and to do something nice for myself afterward.
I'll update after the appointment.
Update:
It turned out to be not as bad as I thought it would be, at first. It also turns out we had more things to hammer out: the child support and the spousal support request, the logistics of my staying in the house until I don't want to, Daughter graduates from high school, or when he can buy me out (so I am totally out of his possible control), and splitting up the money floating around here and there.
The thing that bothered me the most was that he was all up in my grill sitting next to me in my lawyer's little office and I was practically leaning out of the other side of the chair. His hand was resting on the left armrest of my seat. He leaned so far over toward me that the files and papers he periodically held up in his right hand almost hit me - I had to dodge them. He knows damned well I have personal space issues. My anxiety at being so close to him exhausted me. Why was he in my space? Was he always like that and I didn't mind before? Why didn't I say anything? I was too busy trying not to bolt from the anxiety attack I was fighting to keep under control. It was hard to concentrate because I was focused on why the hell he thought it was ok to be that close to me and whether I was going to get beaned with a giant folder of papers. And the questions he was asking set my teeth on edge. They were all money related. A lot of his money questions were "to make sure my numbers were being reported accurately" meaning that ultimately I would benefit. Jackass. Where I come from discussing money is impolite and it's still hard for me to get past that. Especially since we never had any growing up, and I know this is all related to his control issues and had nothing to do with my welfare whatsoever. It was a $10 difference, maximum.
FYI, we had it out a few weeks ago via text (It took me two weeks to deal with that event, process, and move on. Is it my fault? I engaged him. That was a mistake. I know better.) and he admitted to me that he's not signing anything else because he wants a signed paper from my lawyer to give to the court that is an apology from her admitting that she was wrong and he was right. He's out of his mind.
Why am I reduced to a quivering mass of emotion, anxiety, and adrenaline when he's in my vicinity? It's extremely annoying to me.
I hate. HATE being a victim. Being vulnerable. When people can see me being vulnerable is the worst. I have wonderful friends that have been offering to swap abuse stories and support each other, and the idea of falling apart in public sounds horrifying. I'm working on that too. Thank goodness for my partner who is my rock when I need one...I can fall apart with him when I need to.
I think I react that way to ex because I'm afraid I will fall into my old patterns. My doormat tendencies. How can I be a strong, reliable, in charge, self confident person EXCEPT when I'm dealing with him? Is divorce the only way I can escape how I felt when he was around all the time, and make my life into something I can enjoy and be happy about again? Yes.
My lawyer told us she wished all of her divorce clients could be like us. It makes it so much easier. (For he and her.) Then ex told the story of our last day in court. (When my lawyer didn't show up. I blogged about it yesterday.) The bailiff was handing us our paperwork with the continuance date and he called ex's name, then called my name, looking all over the room except at me. Finally I waved my arms in the air and he blinked, having totally overlooked me, surprised that we were sitting right next to each other. (I'd prefer to have a seat between us because of my personal space issues with ex, but that's like playing the Personal Space game with him, which I also blogged about yesterday.)
I realize that I am extremely blessed. I know there are people who have struggled for years with battle after legal battle to finalize a divorce, many with men much more narcissistic than ex. Also, ex never physically abused me which is part of the reason why I never realized I was being abused. There have been studies that show that psychological abuse can be much more damaging than physical, and I'm not invalidating anyone who's been physically abused, by any means. I wouldn't ever wish that on anyone. It's horrifying. That still doesn't stop me from being aware that my struggle is valid and meaningful to me. See how I'm getting better already? I'm invalidating myself less and less.
After all this, he had some things he wanted to give me that he had in a paper bag in his car. One thing was socks that belong to Daughter. (He wants separate clothing at his house for she and Son. The clothes that are at my house aren't up to his standards and he sends "mine" back, expecting me to do the same with "his". I haven't. I let my children wear what they want as long as it's appropriate for school and the weather. When I told him that he and the kids were going to be in charge of what clothes went where, because I wasn't going to do it, he acknowledged that it's very controlling behavior. He still returns "my" clothing. Also in his paper bag was a recall notice for my car (Annoying that it went to his address - I've since changed that.), and school brochures. Daughter tested as a high achiever and he wants her switched to a school in the district where he lives. Ex doesn't feel our district is good enough for them.
He makes every. Little. Thing. Harder. Than. It. Needs. To. Be. EVERYTHING.
He brought me to tears when he started the school conversation. The commute time for me will be doubled, the kids will lose their friends, and Son's delicate self confidence and comfort level will be devastated as he tries to find his way in a totally foreign special education environment. Ex's argument? The schools in his district have a score of 9, which is really high compared to the 3 that my district has. Why? ( I taught elementary school and know some stuff.) Partly because of the diversity and income level of the school district. Schools with high numbers of ESL (English as a Second Language) students typically have lower test scores because they don't print the tests in other languages or have the resources to give ESL kids the modifications they need to take the test well. (As least to my knowledge, in the school districts where I worked.) The district where he lives has a large population of affluent people who are more able to find tutors, time to volunteer toward and boost their kid's educations. When I pointed this out to ex he said that the big bonus would be that they wouldn't be going to school with THAT population of kids that are bringing the test scores down. I was furious. Conversation over. Of all the elitist...*EDITED FOR THE DELICATE*...
He also asked me to have the kids write letters to Santa because he didn't get around to it and hadn't finished his Xmas shopping, though we agreed that the person who had them for that holiday (him last year) would take care of the whole Santa deal. Mom to the rescue again. He made this harder too. I could have said no, but that's not the ex wife I wanted to be at the time. I have since become stronger.
When I was driving away he called me. I don't take his calls in the car anymore unless I think he's running late to pick up the kids and I need to race to one of the schools. When I listened to the message he left me I was as outraged as I was the first time, second time, and third time he had brought up this subject with me: He reminded me that he wants me to tell my lawyer that in the divorce papers, he wants something that says that while I am living in the house we co-own, I agree to never let anyone move in with me. My lawyer said I don't have to agree to anything like that. It's not legal unless I write it down and sign it. Ex knows I am with my partner, and ex was bouncing back and forth between telling me he wants me to be happy and directing requests at me to reveal personal information to him about what we're doing and when we see each other, for which I've gotten good at giving him the Heisman. Now he doesn't mention my partner, ever. He has ceased to exit in ex's mind so therefore is not a cause of stress. He can pretend away now.
With all this aftermath, every kind of thought I had about him that afternoon flew out the window. I deleted the message, and went on to do something nice for myself on the way to pick up Daughter.
Also? I didn't let him hug me.
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