Coming Out

I came out to my mother a few months ago when I was visiting her. The first visit to my family since I started divorce proceedings as well. She knew something was up because my boyfriend's, now partner's, name has been popping up on Facebook for the last two years, albeit innocently, because I had in laws and my ex-husband to think about at the time, as well as my son.

My ex-husband asked me not to tell anyone anything about my being poly because essentially he was ashamed of me, and himself. He was trying valiantly (he said) to 'understand' me and how I view and feel about love. In fact, he was the one who gave me my copy of The Ethical Slut before I even knew what poly was.

It was painful for me to spend time with my mom, my brother, and his partner, as well as my children, friends, and a few coworkers, and not tell them about the person who had come to hold such a dear and important place in my heart. It was exhausting to hide texts, behaviors, emails, and to edit my thoughts and speech. I was experiencing anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I told myself I was doing the best thing for my family, when as it turns out, I was doing the best thing for my ex-husband. I was silent, because my ex was my primary and I tried to respect his wishes.

I slipped last summer on family vacation, not able to keep it from my brother any longer. His response? "Me too!". He floored me.

My ex was furious. His reaction to my honesty, among other behaviors when I pulled my head out of the sand, started a chain reaction of clarity and introspection in me that made me want to make some major changes in my life. Why was I living this way? Why am I sharing my life with someone who is ashamed of me and who cannot or will not support and accept me? Who asks me to hide myself from everyone so he won't be embarrassed? Who told me that it was best for everyone, including my children, and convinced me to be ashamed of myself?

My mother surprised me when I told her. Her reaction? Anger. She wasn't surprised that I had found someone so wonderful to love or that I was poly. In fact, she was excited about meeting him. She was pissed. Is pissed. She's furious that my ex kept me from telling her. Kept me from talking to her, from sharing myself with her as I always had.

I try not to mourn the 21 years I spent being emotionally abused (There is much, much more than I have said here, but that's for another post.) by someone I chose because regardless of how hard I am trying to forgive myself now, I have two beautiful children who are the most important people in my life, a partner who reminds me every day how important I am to him, a comfortable home, wonderful friends, coworkers I love, and the self confidence to share my life with supportive, loving, healthy minded people who respect me, and themselves.

For this, I am grateful.