Shunned

Ex pointed out polyamory to me and said, "Let's try it."

(Please note that I am an introvert and that there is a mythbusting list about introverts along the sidebar of my blog for your perusal, if you are interested.)

I couldn't do it yet. It was too foreign to the way I'd learned to love, though I grew up with a very open minded "alternative" family, I essentially didn't trust people (particularly men, for obvious reasons), and I just wasn't comfortable with the idea. I read the copy of, "The Ethical Slut", he gave me and we talked. (Incidentally, I recommend this book to anyone who is considering any "alternative" relationship. It's a great book. Very freeing.) And talked. And talked. And worked out the (his) agreements (rules) that would make it work for us (him). After we figured is all out in a way that would work for both of us (I could put 'him' every single time I say 'us', but I think you get my point.), I started to realize that I wasn't living the way I wanted to live. I wasn't being treated the way I wanted to be treated, and the rules weren't working for me anymore. 

Again, he shot himself in the foot.

I could only talk to him about adjusting the agreements (Really they should ebb and flow to suit a couple's feelings and needs as you go along.) to a certain extent, and then he drew a line in the sand at the beginning of last summer. Problem was I had already been seeing my boyfriend, now partner, for a year. There was no way in blue hell I was going to give up that man. No fucking way. He is the best man that has EVER walked into my life, treats me better than I treat myself, and I intend to spend the rest of mine with him. At that time I had a yet unvoiced feeling that this was to be true and I was not going to give in on this point. Not for ex who had finally made his huge mistake. He coerced me into an open marriage lifestyle and inadvertently showed me a world of kindness, tenderness, caring, respect, and love that I didn't have with him. That I had never really had with any man. Even in the beginning when he was wooing me.

So. Back to the line in the sand he drew: I screamed at him during a huge argument we had outside on the side of the house where the kids couldn't hear us. I had snapped and was at the breaking point. He kept trying to walk away from me, and he kept looking over the fence to see if strangers were in the park next to our house listening to us. He was always more concerned about what people think than the people he was supposed to love. I told him I'd give us the summer to come up with a solution that would work for both of us.

Never, at any point, did he consider changing one behavior/rule, nor did he open up to discussing anything with me that wavered beyond the line he drew. My reaction told him that he was losing control of me. He was fighting hard to let me know that I was being irrational, that I should calm down, and see that he was right if I would only LISTEN just like I always had.

I wonder now if I usually gave in because I couldn't win. He was accustomed to talking me around in circles, into the ground until I relented. There was only so much criticism and negativity I could take before I started to believe that it's ME that was the problem.

In fact, he'd completely 'forgotten' that he'd drawn that line in the sand or that I'd given him that ultimatum when the end of summer rolled around.

I filed for divorce the second week of September.

The following post was written in my private blog to ex one year ago spring. I never showed him my private posts, but I did my best to tell him how I felt on those rare occasions when he consented to grant me an audience, and this was also the gist of our argument that spring day:

"You don't trust me to do what's right for the family. I feel like you're the family police and that I'm a bad person you have to protect the kids from.

I'm upset because you say what I/we are doing is wrong and I don't agree. It's a lifestyle choice and I finally feel like I've found my niche. Loving people makes me so much happier than I ever was. I wish you felt the same.

I feel angry because I have to ask permission, and you have to be in the perfect frame of mind for me to ask. And yes, it is permission. Because if I don't talk to you about it, it's not the poly life I want to lead. I want to be able to say, 'name' has a group of poly friends who get together on Wed nights for drinks and I want you to say, oh cool! Go have fun! Or, let's go!

I feel sad because I'm trapped by your moods and whims. If it's your idea you want it and if it's my idea YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I want to be able to turn to you at any moment and show you how I feel and tell you what I'm thinking. I want to tell you how I feel without you shutting me down.

I feel anxious because I want to break free and do whatever I want whenever I want.

I feel upset because I want to see the marriage counselor again and talk to him about our open marriage. I want to go to a weekend workshop and learn how to talk to each other again.

(Incidently, the marriage counselor heard Ex out during the last session we ended up having with him, then turned to me and said, "It sounds like you have some choices to make." That phrase rocked me back on my heels. For the first time I realized that I DID have a choice, and that's what started me seriously thinking about leaving Ex again, and making it stick. The irony that this did not occur to me until a man put the idea into my head has not escaped me, but he was a neutral party and was supporting me.)

I want you to hear me. I want you to listen to me. I want to you accept me for what I am, support me, accept that this is how I want to live, and I want you to be a part of it. I want you to be my willing primary partner. I want to feel like a grown up with valid feelings, needs and wants, and to have you support me and be ok with it.

I want you to figure out why you think it's dirty and wrong, and why you keep wanting to do it then feel like you're drowning in shame immediately after you come, so we can work on turning that around. 

(Do you have any idea how upsetting it is to watch the man you have been married to for 21 years lay next to you immersed in shame for the act you just shared together? To know that what you just did to please him, because he wanted it and you wanted to make him happy, torments him about how wrong and dirty it was? He refused to look at it, to discover why he felt that way, or to do anything but put it on me. If I stopped what I was 'doing' then he would be free of this guilt and shame I was making him feel...until he was horny again, then the whole cycle would start over again as if it never happened. He would stay up all night, every night, looking at porn and talking to people online in chat rooms about his kink, then come to me looking for release. I always went to bed alone. I felt like a whore, and a doormat, because I was doing everything I could stomach to please him.)

I'm excited about how relaxed and open and wonderful our life could be if we work all these things out.

I want you to accept your sexuality and mine."

Turns out he opened our marriage so he could get off: Me with other men.

I'm delving into my head to figure out if I really am comfortable being polyamorous, or if ex's sexual abuse/coercion and my needs not being met are what drove me there. 

I'm thinking that I'm just going to stop trying to put a label on what I am and how I feel, and just try to be happy and healthy.