Social networking...
I'm struggling with my fears and how much to put my story out there. I've gone back and forth for years about what, who, when, where, and why to tell my story without being discovered by Ex.
...I'm struggling, once again, with being the beneficiary of Ex's wrath.
Not to mention the people who would judge me or flat out not believe me. And they are out there...I respect the fact that Ex's family and the friends I lost in the divorce might not choose to believe what went on.
Except for that one Jackhole who texted me in the middle of the night that I was a BITCH for divorcing Ex, thus triggering a week-long anxiety attack. I don't respect him. I do, however, forgive because he has a small brain and has been hurt so badly by his ex-wife that he talks to all women that way.
We all have our karma to work out.
I've started linking some of my social networking accounts together to share my stories a little farther...I have a need, apparently. I ask that if you do see a real life name here and there, or a real life fact that leads you to find out more about me personally, or that your discover you know me AND Ex, that you use your new found information for good and not evil. :)
Why am I spreading my stories a little farther?
To help someone like me?
Revenge?
I love to write?
To get the stories out of my head, like a diary, so I can move on with my day? This, mostly.
I'm afraid Ex will see this blog and be enraged and that it will hamper our new, relaxed, best for the kids relationship.
If he does, what would I say?
I was angry?
I was hurt?
What you thought our relationship was, was not what it was for me?
I'm sorry for outing you? (Because he might choose to damage our relationship further, or take it out on the kids.)
I'm sorry for telling my truth? (I'm not. But I know how I get with him. Tell him what he wants to hear, when I'm afraid, so I can get the fuck out of dodge.)
All these reasons seem paltry next to the deep, deep fear I have about him being mad at me. About any man being mad at me.
I know that's why I haven't linked things together until now...why my blog has been anonymous.
Ask Partner about my fear of angry men, who held my hand while I shook and jumped with fear, and the tears that ran down my face while we were watching, "12 Years As A Slave". Ask the man who soothes me when I hear a loud noise and jump out of my skin. Who tells his Ex no, when she suggests something I can't emotionally handle. The man who holds me tight when my depression gets a hold of me and squeezes until I have to leave work for the day or hide in our bedroom.
I'm deciding to step farther out of my comfort zone a little more and show the world who I really am, because I'm tired of being afraid.
I'm trying to adopt the Zero Fucks Given approach, though I know there will always be things I give fucks about.
*bitch voice in head* WHAT IF THE KIDS SEE IT?!!
Then they do. They already know that my marriage to their dad was difficult and painful, and that mom's house is more relaxing than dad's. I'll answer their questions when they ask them. They are preteen/teenagers now...as for Karma Kids, they see very little media so I don't guess they'll see this any time soon, but when and if they do ask I'll answer as honestly as I can, editing for age.
At some point, I expect, all the kids will realize they have more power about where they stay than they know, and my house will be full more often.
I've put some new links down the sidebar here to some of the places I hang out when I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like working. :) There will be posts and pictures and things that won't be shown here, so if you're curious, feel free.
Social media: the escape for those who are able to utilize it.
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