The Song of Myself

(when I happen to see my changing body in the mirror...or just walk into a different room)

MY WASHER WORKS! Don't know what happened the other day. Maybe it was angry. I wouldn't drain or go behond the agitation cycle. (See? Angry!)

The places on my body that had more weight for the last few years seem to be rather elephant-skin like now.

Hmm. Fat not poofing the skin out as much. Hopefully I won't look like a wrinkly crone before my time.

I'm freeing up the notion of natural beauty I've been working on for some time now. I'm looking at my un-makeupped face differently. I come from a long line of southern women who wouldn't dare leave the house without full makeup, hair, well dressed with a girdle. My mother rebelled and I have followed her, but some things have lingered, like:

My eyes not having mascara or liner looks odd to me. I didn't wear much more makeup than that but I'm looking beyond what I perceive as too pale and short eyelashes, and red toned skin/eyelids.

I'm looking at the color of my eyes and the shape of my brows.

The curve of my cheekbones starting to peek out on my face again and my genetically beautiful skin. I thank my grandmother and my mother for that one. Pretty good for a girl whose skin looked awful as a teenager.

I'm looking at the perky ski slope of my nose.

I'm looking at my legs and starting to see again in my calves the reason I was dubbed "Legs" (during the ZZ Top era) in high school.

I'm looking at the stretch marks on my belly and upper thighs and remembering how happy (and terrified) I was to be pregnant.

I'm looking at my smaller breasts and seeing their full, soft, roundness, as opposed to the backbreaking and ponderous FUN BAGS Ex used to call them. Ex always insisted on calling them The Boys to irritate me, along with a lot of other disrespectful names and comments about my body that caused me to hide it. I stopped wearing shorts or tank tops for years before we divorced. I wore control top pantyhose and girdles and heavy bras to reshape myself into the body he wanted me to have. I would never have left the house bra less or worn a bikini. I wore a lot of uncomfortable clothing to please him, and wore makeup to feel pretty. Dressed the way he thought was sexy.

If you could see me now you'd see that I dress comfortably/eclectically...sort of like a boho-hippie with my own twist, in natural fabrics.

Lots of feelings and new thoughts in my head about my changing body and outlook, and seeing myself through Partner's eyes has never helped me feel more lovely and self confident, even ten lbs ago.

I see the curve of my hip, and my waist reappearing.

I see my hair getting longer the way I've always wanted it.

I feel free and supported to look and feel how I want to look and feel. And the self confidence I used to feel is creeping back as I stop feeding my negative emotions with starch and fat and sugar.

For all Partner's support and encouragement, I adore him more. I sent him this note and he remarked that it was sweet. "The song of yourself."

Thank you for accepting my heart and my body and my mind for what they are even when I didn't.

I am finally becoming me.

It's Getting Better - It Comes In Waves

Larry, Curly and Moe

I thank my family for their lovely support, though I have to admit that the snarlyness sometimes directed at my kids gives me mixed emotions. I know they love me and are supporting me, and are protective because of my history with Ex. I love them and appreciate them. I know it’s coming from their heart. Mama bear comes out to defend Kids even when they’re making me nutty.

I work with a lot of women who have adult/older children and they are supportive, when I open my mouth and share, and have assured me that it’s a phase and that Son will soften and be kinder eventually, just hang in there. Others tell me stories about their own sons, some really sad, and some positive. Mostly positive stories about parenting boys. I’m going to start going to a group when the kids aren’t with me for Parents who are Codependent with their kids. I think it will be good for me. My friend and coworker is going to scope it out and report back. She invited me to join her at the group.

I go through phases with my depression where I feel overwhelmed and need to vent when it seems insurmountable. Then I get back on that horse and parent my two kids who love, love, love me. I know that. I am safe to challenge and that is the stage they are in. June is starting, but in a passive aggressive way. It’s interesting.

At the end of the day, I still love to curl up with them and talk, laugh and watch movies. The majority of the time, which you don’t hear about, is when they feel bad about frustrating me and spend the next half hour acting like complete goofballs to lighten the mood. Couple nights ago 20 mins after Son stormed away from the dinner table (for the third time in four days) he scooted around on the floor like Curly, making Daughter and I crack up. It’s sometimes hard for me to switch gears, but I know that’s his way of asking forgiveness.

The truth of the matter is I reach out to them to be heard, and they hear me, and I appreciate and love them so much for it.

Future Me A Year Ago

Have you ever heard of Future Me? I've been writing to myself for a few years now and it opens my eyes every time to see how far I've come in just a year. This is mine from March 2013 (I've edited some of it for privacy - Also, apparently, I was having trouble with capitals and tenses.):

"Dear FutureMe,

I am in the final stages of divorce and I am so proud of myself for going through with one of the best choices I ever made. Despite Ex's anger and your anxiety attacks, you stood up for yourself and your kids and made a choice to improve our life and be healthier, mentally and emotionally. Partner and I are planning our future of forever together, and he just told his sister about me. The kids are doing well and Son sprained his ankle, and comes to you for questions and sharing because he feels safe. Daughter is struggling with stupid busywork state homework and rebelling a little bit. both kids will go to a new district and you want to move so, so badly to where Partner lives. Partner is out to his community and friends about you, and is the best man I've ever met in my life. you volunteered to hug at Burnal Equinox 2013 and getting involved changed your whole experience.

i love you. you are brave and magical things are coming to fruition for you. keep visualizing. :)

Love, 
Me"

Want to send yourself an email you'll see one year from now? Go to Future Me and sign up. I'm heading there now to write a letter for myself for next spring...

10 and Not Blinding Party Goers

Partner was telling his best friend yesterday that his dad took him to see "10" (with Dudley Moore) when he was 8. He told Best Friend that he's liked big breasted women ever since, then he looks meaningfully at me.

*more than a little pride and a big grin*

On another note, this last weekend was another for EPIC BEST WEEKENDS EVER for the memory books. There is so much to tell, I'm overwhelmed with what to put first.

So I'll start with:

Daughter was opening presents in which one mom had packed "poppers"; those confetti things that have a kick in them, that are supposed to be used outside only. Daughter was so distracted and excited she shot it off right then and there.

Next thing we know, her best friend from grade school is screaming bloody murder. I shoved one kid out of the way, hard, to get at her to see if she was alright, and took control of the situation. I talked to her and kissed her forehead and soothed her until she calmed down enough to talk. I then ascertained that she was not bleeding or blind, then ushered her off to the bathroom to wash out her eye. Partner came up behind with a wet towel, which turned out was all she needed. The spark apparently landed on her eyelid and not her eyeball, thank you little tiny baby jesus.

Daughter told me this later the next night when we were checking in together after the busy weekend. I told her she might have told me that sooner! I thought her friend's mother was going to skin me, and that Daughter had blinded a party guest.

Daughter's BFFGS then proceeded to get giggly and happy again, and I texted her mom, who was not concerned because she was fine.

Thank you thank you thank you.

I came back into the room with D's BFFGS and everyone was relieved she was ok. Before we moved on with presents I got their attention and said, "Alright now, who did I shove when I was trying to get at D's BFFGS?" Karma Daughter raised her hand, grinning. Good lord. I shoved my own Karma Daughter out of the way. I also discovered my phone on the floor, which is apparently where I threw it as I shoved KD.

Sigh.

Welp, no one can say I'm not in control in a crisis. Partner did tell me later that if I was going to shove anyone, I made a good choice because KD is tough. :) I can always count on him to soothe me.

A few minutes later I discovered Son was falling apart, having been traumatized by the screaming...he is so sensitive...so much like me. I talked him down and cuddled and soothed him, as best as I could soothe a boy/man that is taller than I, and we talked it out. I told him his reaction was totally normal, as was mine, and he started crying. He felt better, and not as embarrassed as Partner came in to check in with him too, and then Son's friend drifted in...and we moved along with the party.

I took a quick breather in my room and started to fall apart myself, coming down off the adrenaline, gave myself 5 minutes, than staggered back into the fray.

It was still one of the best weekends on record, and I will post again later to tell more stories.

Have a great Monday!

I'm Not Poly

 One more post today:

Partner and I had a wonderful weekend, and had some quiet time to talk. I think I brought the subject up because I wanted to talk to him about how I felt.

I told Partner that I don't think I was ever, truly, poly. (I wrote about it here and here.) I shared with him that I thought I agreed with Ex to open our marriage and try Polyamory because I was searching for something I wasn't receiving in my marriage.

I was trying to fill the holes in my heart.

It's funny; often when I bring up things to share with Partner, he ends up telling me something that means the world to me. It's like a reward for sharing my thoughts with him.

He told me that he felt exactly the same way. That he doesn't think there would ever be that much room in his heart for someone else, because he loves me so much.

He said exactly what I felt. Then I melted.


I am over the moon in love with this man, and he reminds me why every day with his words and his actions.


To top it off, last night Partner came over after dinner and Kids and I were decompressing after eating together. He and I started playing a game together, sitting on the couch...then Daughter drifted into the room when her homework was finished, and snuggled next to me, then Son came out of his cave to hang out with us too, and ended up snuggling with us on the couch as well. Dogs were up in there too, with Bunny hopping around our feet happily. I looked over at Partner and he was sleepy and happy as I rubbed his feet in between turns in the game, Daughter kissing my cheek, Son showing us the game he was playing on his phone, and Bunny teasing and playing with ADHD Dog when he ventured down off the couch.

I have never been happier, and am succeeding in being present in the moment whenever I can.

What a blessing.

Thank you.

I Edited My Caveat And Thank You

  (I realize I already used this picture, but I wanted it here too.)

It was time to make some edits to my Caveat and Thank You at the bottom of this blog page. As I learn and grow, I've found that some of what I had written in the posts makes me wince. Some of it due to the amazement at how far I've come, and some due to the venom and anger that fueled my fear and anxiety. 

A coworker told me this week that she has seen how far I have come, and congratulated me. I was surprised because I don't always remember exactly how it felt back when I was trying to decide whether or not to get divorced. Every so often I go back and read some of my posts to remember and appreciate my growth and healing.

I think it's important to keep everything in perspective, particularly to be aware of how much better I feel, and how much happier I am.

The mention of my diagnosis in the Thank You seemed important to write, as it was brought to mind this morning when I was talking with a loved one about her pain, and my trying to support her without knowing exactly what's going on. 

She is loyal and strong, and I have always admired and strove to emulate her.

This week, if nothing else, please let the people you love know how much you care about them. It's vital, and might help them along their own path. I was trying to express this to her.

For my sister-in-law, I say:

"To all of the wonderful people throughout the years who have been kind and patient with me as I have navigated my self toward this independence. To the rediscovery of me. Please know that I was/am navigating an emotional minefield of divorce and abuse in the best way I knew how including anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, and it was not my intention to hurt anyone. I burned some bridges and lost some important relationships along the way. My diagnoses have had their way with me, but in no way define me any longer."

And also, I love you. I support you. And I am here for you, always. Not just because of the family relationship we've had, but because your heart is as big as the kindness you have always shown me.

Thank you.

New Theme And Update!

New look! I like to change with the seasons, and it's so abnormally warm here I thought I'd put some blue. Supposed to rain this week though...fingers crossed!

OH! I was going to update in the end of the last post and I forgot:

I came out of my cold/depression haze (though the stupidy cold is still there - I'm losing my voice) and I am feeling a lot better. I just upped my dose of depression meds to where I was supposed to be, and wrapped the people I love around me. That is really hard to do when you're feeling depressed, I know, but my kids are with me every other week so eventually someone is in the house that I have to take care of besides myself. Taking care of my kids makes me very happy because they are old enough now to understand when I'm feeling down and why (Son also suffers from depression, if you recall) and Daughter at the ripe age of almost 12 still (thank you tiny baby jesus) wants to cuddle with me and give me hugs and kisses. And when we are all together we mostly laugh, and argue, negotiate, laugh,  gripe, laugh, sleep, laugh, eat, laugh.

And then there is Partner and Second Daughter and Son, not to mention my friends, which just add to the abundant love that I have surrounded myself with.

I am blessed, and even when I am in the goddamned pit of depression my chemicals heap upon me from time to time, I know this.

Thank you.

I'm So Happy You Called Me Stupid (But If You Do It Again, I'll Beat You With Your Own Arm)

Deer Licks!

Second Son called me stupid last night, with a direct look to see what I would do.

I was ecstatic!

I hugged him and thanked him for it, totally confusing him. He asked me why, and I told him that I was very happy because he trusts me enough to challenge me, without worrying that I will shun him or leave.

He trusts me enough to try to piss me off!

I had this moment with Second Daughter a few months ago when she went all PMS cranky-tyrant, as well as using the PMS excuse on me. I told her it wasn't ok, she didn't HAVE to act that way - that it was a choice, that my feelings were hurt, and then walked away into the other room. It worked out well. She hasn't done it to me since.

I am grateful.

When I explained why I reacted the way I did to Second Son, he had an impish AHA! moment where he told me that he could call me names and get away with it! I firmly told him no (with a hug) that it’s not ok to call ANYONE names and that next time he wouldn’t get the excited treatment, and that I’d tear his arm off and beat him with it. I then pushed him onto the couch face first while holding his arms behind him. We did that joyously for about 5-10 minutes until dinner was ready.

Someday he may realize that everything he's doing has already been done by Son. I'll let him have his moments in the sun for now. :)

THE CHAT

 

 (except I'll be with the dogs)

I am formulating my thoughts about how I finally sat down and talked (listened to) Partner's Ex.

She needed for me to hear her and I did, with empathy and minimal suppressed sighs. She said a lot of negative things about Partner, which I expected, and told me she didn't mean to talk about him. She said she needed to tell me about the negativity in order to help me understand where she was coming from.

The thing is, I have experienced all the things she told me with my Ex. Every one.

It didn't sway my opinion of Partner in any way. I adore him and love him and have never experienced negativity with him. In three years. Pretty good, I think. I've been frustrated with him, sure. Normal stuff.

She was sad and kind, and told me it all had nothing to do with me; that she just needed space for a while. That I was always welcome in her home. She loved the way I am with her kids and that they love me. She was happy for us, but sometimes it's hard to watch.

I have empathy for her position, and she brought me to tears at one point when she alluded to the negative things some of her friends said about me. One of my triggers. I pulled myself together and tried to really focus on what she was saying.

The thing is, I love her children. I hope to be in their lives for the rest of mine. I have learned through experience that you don't poke the monster with a stick, even if the monster is making you feel defensive and scared. You listen and get the hell out of dodge.

Mission accomplished until the next time something comes up.

A very good friend mentioned that it sounds like I've been *she brushed her hands together as she told me* tying up a lot of loose ends and she made me realize that yes, I have. It feels nice, even though I now owe the IRS $2,500 because Ex fucked up his W-2. But that's the next post...

"Unmarried to each other"

I am reading a wonderful book called, "Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple", by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.

According to the cohabitation types in the book, Partner and I are a mix of the "Weekend Cohabitation" type (we spend weekends together, when it works out with our kid schedules, then go home to work), "Across Town Cohabitation" (we don't live together, but our relationship has the kind of personal meaning and commitment most people expect from partners who share a living space), and with "Mergers and Acquisitions Cohabitation" thrown in, in that between us we have four children, three dogs, two houses, three cars, one rabbit, one guinea pig, one rat, and two Exes. 

We hope to be able to figure out how to live together sometime in the future in a way that works for everyone...meaning how the hell am I going to sell my half of my house to Ex and move an hour away when my job is already 30 minutes the other direction, and Kids go to school 45 minutes in yet another direction? With 6 years of school left until they are both 18?

Poor Partner drives us everywhere when we're together because I spend the rest of my life driving for hours.

How can we possibly make this happen? Patience, love, hard work, and faith. And fantasies of spending every night cuddled up next to Partner, and every day spent continually in route somewhere or at work.

Sigh.

"On Labeling Women Crazy"

Someday, hopefully, I can be the cat.

A friend of mine posted this article, and it hit a nerve because I read it some time ago when I was going through a similar situation with Ex. I wrote about it here. The difference, I explained to my friend, was that, "he said he loved me, and he was occasionally but rarely there. After ten years I was done. It became my fault in the eyes of everyone, except the few I shared with, after all. It's a powerful article.", "Also, I should add, there was more going on and he never said he was leaving. He expected our lives to just continue that way indefinitely."

Sharing with her triggered me into coming here and reading some of my past posts. I mentioned to her that, "This article pretty much sums up why I'm divorced.", and sent her a link to this blog, which terrifies me. It always does when I "come out" to someone who knew me back then because this blog is the essence of my anger and pain when I was getting divorced. It doesn't matter how strongly I felt when I was writing in anger or tears, it's still terrifying to tell someone about it. It's raw, and it's there, and it's real. More ME than anything I ever said out loud, although now it's a past me, and I'm moving on in a healthy way.

I loved her, and I still do, though I haven't seen her in a very long time, and I worry how she will react to reading all this. As I've said before, the only thing I can control is how I feel and how I react.

 
This blog is creeping out into the world more and more as I reveal it to people I knew then, and Ex and I are tentatively moving toward friendship as time passes so I'd like him to never see this - though having it here, there is always a chance that he will. 

If he does, he does. 

I am able to see glimpses of the man I liked and cared for, and it makes it easier to make peace, forgive, and move on.

Burning Man!

It's time to go home!

I know a lot of people call Burning Man home because there they can truly be themselves. Greeters even say Welcome Home! and hug you when you show up.

 Me, I feel I am myself all the time now so my home is where my kids are, and where Partner and his kids are.

Anyway, I will be away for the next week and a half, burning in the desert heat, and visiting with friends,  witnessing amazing art and music and people and dancing my way across The Playa.

Here are some great videos to give you a feel of what it's like. Contrary to popular belief, it's not a giant drug and alcohol rave in the desert. (Although there are some that come to do that.)

Hula Cam

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

El Pulpo Mechanico

Twin Serpents

Have a great week!

Trusting the Love Drug - Can I Do It?

Partner has been gone for 10. Whole. Days.

"Once, there was a ring on my finger and I thought that meant family. I was wrong."

"But I struggle with it, still. My own vulnerability. Belief in love, in another person’s care and tender judgment. I do not want to be an addict. I do not want to be dependent on love."

"But when he smiles at me, when he makes me laugh, when he says “yes, I will drive across half the country for an adventure if you like” or “yes, I will make the coffee this morning and leave you in your head, leave you to your writing, leave you so I may join you later,” I cannot imagine the world without him in it.

How strange it is to write those words.

How lovely it is to write those words.

I cannot imagine the world without him in it."

Trusting the Love Drug

Changing My Thoughts

I have been busting my behind to change my negative thoughts, and I think I'm doing a great job. I've been practising yoga again and trying to meditate, though the meditation bit has been really difficult. It's hard enough to quiet my mind, but do you know how hard it is to meditate when you've got one dog trying to lick your face, another putting his paw on you so you'll pet him, and a rabbit sitting on your belly? Ayup. Not easy. I'll keep at it. I'm experimenting with ways to sit or lay so I don't get too cold or my leg falls asleep.

It's very sweet that my mother and Partner know that when I spend long periods of time alone, that my thoughts have turned ugly and mean, and I can be extremely unkind to myself. Partner has been away with his kids for over a week, and it's making me a little nutty. I miss him being around and realize that I have become so comfortable with him (which is so great!) that I've started to take him for granted. Not in negative ways, but in my head. 

Tell the people you care about that you love them. Hug them. Love up on them. Make sure they know. Everything can change in a heartbeat.

Anyhoo, mom and Partner have asked me here and there how I'm doing when they know I'm alone. It is so thoughtful and caring it makes me tear up. 

I am blessed.

I am being 99% kind to myself...nobody is perfect. 

On Getting Married or The Wedding I Didn't Want or Labels or Whackadoo Tangent Post

(This is my assumed response from you, reading this whackadoo post.)

An acquaintance just announced on Facebook that she is engaged to be married, and has asked for advice. I am excited for her and gave her some, even though she pointed her request at the married ladies. Not thinking, I posted my advice before remembering that I'm newly divorced. 

Force of habit, I guess. 

My identity is still sorting itself out, apparently, even though I feel clear on who and where and what I am...or maybe I'm blurred, which is where I really prefer to be. Blurry feels comfortable. 

That way, I can be whatever I want.

The advice I gave her was this:

"Oh my goodness. First, congratulations! Next, I was anxious too. I had a lot of pressure as well, and caved and didn't really have the event I truly wanted (but that was the nature of my personality and relationships, and not yours). It's seen as a big deal by lots of people, but is your party. You can go to the courthouse or have eleventy-billion people. Your choice. My challenges were my intractable fiance and my pushy mil. I had twice as many people as I wanted and lots of details that I didn't want as well. I had a pushy bridesmaid too, who influenced my choices. If I had to do it all over, I'd have about 20 people. Close family and friends, an oak tree, a simple, matching ring, a red dress, and my guy. That's it. The bottom line is, make it what you want. If you want nothing, just sign the paper. If you want a big deal, make a big deal!", and then added, "Oop! Also, remember that it doesn't matter how it goes: If you end up married, it went well! (Also, I'm newly divorced but I still put my input here.)"

Which led me to thinking about how I used to feel more comfortable with labels and a slots to fit into:

Married, mother, poly, open marriage, codependent, needy, patient, daughter, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, sister in law, woman, wife, lover, highlighted blond, curvy, big boobed, borderline overweight, wrinkling, girly, self medicating, spacey, kind, helpful, doormat, cousin, stretch marks, high maintenance, conservatively-classically dressed, private, introverted, shy, chapstick obsessed, lazy...

I could keep going on but I just got bored of it.

The point is, I put all these labels on myself (with the help of society and Ex and the other unhelpful people in my life) and fit myself into them one way or another. 

And before I make my next point, let me say that I hate it when people get all lathered up about how labels ruin us and everything and society, though I use them on myself...

I met a woman who, when I asked if she was a vegetarian (we were eating together in a restaurant with some kids and friends), replied that she didn't like labels, that she ate what she was comfortable putting in her body, and then when she realized she had just drunk cold water, that she hadn't drunk cold water for years, then she wondered out loud what it would do to her body.

...

Holy crap.

I can only say here that I hope the look on my face in response didn't match my thoughts, which can be described in a typed action: 

*blink*     or 

O_o         or  

WTF??

Did I make my point? I'm laughing at myself and my tangents now. 

Labels have a place if you are comfortable with them. I've found recently that I'm not comfortable anymore in the labels I wrapped around myself like a shield. In my redefinition I have chosen some new labels for myself (paradoxically) and if I think about them they are:

Divorced, earth mother, in a relationship, open minded, non-judgemental, daughter, sister, woman, Partner, sensitive, patient, lover, blond going gray, beautiful, curvy, self accepting, mostly vegetarian, kind, helpful, cousin, niece, curly haired, natural, chapstick obsessed, burner, organic, re-purposing, recycling...and I got bored again of thinking of things to describe myself but I sound sort of like a hippy - which is where I have leaned my whole life but didn't feel comfortable in THAT label either.

Back to the Facebook response post I started with. I am sorting out my new life and my new identity, and am having a great time doing it, even though it sometimes feels scary as hell. I feel free and totally me for the first time, probably, in my entire life. I owe it to myself, my children, the lessons I've learned, turning 45 (which I did last weekend), and Partner and our blended family, without whom all of this would have happened very differently, but nonetheless it would have happened.

I am brave, I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am loved.

The real point is now I'm ME, goddammit.

Thank you Universe, for all of it.

On This Day, The Day I Celebrate My Mother...

(I am the queen today.)

Normal Life. Is That What This Is?

I started to write a little bit about this here, and wanted to write a little more.

Last Friday night Partner and I took Kids to see a movie. They had both seen it, but wanted to watch me see it. It absolutely terrified me and I loved it. What is it about me that I love apocalypse movies? Whether zombies, god and the devil, or tectonics and space, I love them.

I spent Saturday doing laundry and puttering around my house, recharging and getting stuff done. Partner went out to do his thing then came back in the afternoon, and we went out and wandered around looking in art galleries and listening to live music. We drank beer and looked at vendors and had dinner in a wonderful little (hot and sweaty) place I had been to once before. We wandered home and fell asleep like two happy old people. Woke up Sunday and he mowed my lawns while I battled his electric edger, having to turn it off and take it apart to pull more plastic cord out. Then he made brunch while I folded laundry and did more chores. Then he vacuumed my whole house, better than I ever have, while I scrubbed the bathrooms.

When Partner originally asked me what I was doing that weekend I told him I had the kids and that I had a lot of chores to do that I had put off. He said, “I’ll come see you.”, and then proceeded to help me get them done quickly and efficiently, then we drove all over running my errands and his, like a real couple. We shopped, bought bunny hay, rented a movie and hit a wine barn place. Then we went home and he did research for a project and I read my book, happily recharging my batteries in the same room with him. Later I made dinner and we watched the movie we rented. Monday morning we got ready for work and Son wandered in and started to turn on the TV when Partner engaged him in a strategy game while I got ready for work. I left them there playing as I drove to work.

I can’t tell you how weird it is to willingly run all over the place at home and out in the world with a person who is amicable, flexible, funny, and helpful, and to know that this person cares deeply for me and my kids and helps in any way he can with them too.

I also know that this kind of detail can be boring, but for me it’s very exciting and novel. I don’t remember EVER doing this much and having so much fun doing it with any partner or bf I’ve ever had.

EVAR.

I was talking to my brother about it and he told me that hearing that I was having a normal life now was refreshing.

Huh.

Is THAT what this is?

When I’m at Partner's house we do the same sort of stuff with me occasionally 'hiding' in his room if his Ex is there because, for chrissake, there is only so much negativity I can take before I flee behind a closed door. It works out because Partner totally gets it and his kids come in and see me. His Son climbs up into my lap to cuddle, telling me I’m the best cuddler he has ever met.

Damned straight, I am.

I Make Up Stuff To Worry About

This is the report on Kid's reaction to me changing back to my maiden name:

Me:
"Hey, I need to talk you both about something that is not really a big deal, but I wanted to tell you before you heard it somewhere else..."

Son:
*making random noises as he plays his game*

Daughter:
"Ok."

Me:
"Son, please pause for a minute."

Son:
*pauses and picks up his phone*

Me:
*takes a deep breath*
"I am changing my name back to my maiden name. The name I had before I married your dad. Since we're divorced, I thought I'd like to just have my name back."

Son:
*finally looks at me, and pauses, thinking*

Daughter:
"Ok Mom."

Son:
"Can I show you something?"
*starts messing around with his game again*

Me:
"Yes, but wait...pause. Please listen. Does it feel weird to have a different last name from mine?"

Son:
"No."

Daughter:
"No. That was your name before."

Me:
*blinks*

Son:
"Can I show you now?"
*turns back to TV and starts chattering away, smiling*


I made a mountain out of a molehill again. I love my kids.

Easier Said Than Done, But I'm Trying!

Tips for a Stunning Life 

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant. 

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 

3. When you wake up in the morning ask the universe's guidance. 

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds. 

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 

7. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card. 

9. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. 

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.

11. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

12. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 

13. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present. 

14. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’ 

17. Help the needy, be generous, be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

19. Time heals everything. 

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

21. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. 

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 

23. Each night before you go to bed be thankful for what you accomplished.

24. Remember that you are blessed and try not to be stressed.

My Zen (and yours, if you like)