My New Mantra (well, one of them)

I read this in a post on fb and changed it to fit me. Sometimes the introversion holds me back.

Set me free. Remember I struggle too. We all do. When I am more able to give I will.

His Meds, My Meds, Everywhere a Med-Med

I am pooped! I've been busy.

Son’s latest psych appt went well. We upped the dose of his ADHD med for school. It’s been long overdue because Ex forgot to talk to his psych about it when Son was there last time telling her he was seeing things and hearing things.

Sigh.

She also prescribed generic Tenex, which is supposed to help him manage his rage. It’s supposed to give him some space to think about what he does before he slams the fridge, or throws a remote, throws his sister on the floor, or shoves me out of the way when I put myself between them. (It doesn’t happen often, but it happens.) Tenex is supposed to work well with ADHD reactivity/impulsivity and doesn’t require blood work regularly. He objected to that, which I’m glad. This is supposed to be the safest option for helping manage himself. And we’ll start it after he comes back from his spring break trip with Ex and his family (they’re going Saturday) because then I can be in charge of the titration up and it may make him groggy the first two days. I don’t want him reacting to a new medication out of my sight while he’s traveling with Ex…plus I’m torn about it.

I am torn about this because I’ve found in the past that I’m torn when he needs it but I don’t want to accept that he does…I don’t want him to have to need it. I did the same thing when he started taking his depression med, and when he started taking his ADHD med. Is it sibling rivalry or is it impulse control? Both?

Poor Son started to tip over at the psych appt yesterday: shutting down, laying down on the couch. I asked the psych to slow down (she was talking a mile a minute) and I would turn to interpret to Son what she was saying because I could tell it was too much, too fast, and he couldn’t follow what she was saying. I told him I wasn’t going to tell him he had to take anything, but that he could choose. He chose the med that didn’t require blood work and said he would try it.

I was reminded yesterday that kids with ADHD tend to lag behind about three years in brain development…so essentially Son and Daughter are in the same place. He’s a little kid with issues in a big body and jeebus, will there ever be a time when I don’t have to worry and fight and cajole and discuss? We have a meeting at school for the school to tell us what our options are since they were not able to uphold the IEP and the school was TOO HARD FOR HIM! 

Remember when I was reluctant to move him? Another great idea from Ex.

And med check for me, yes…my doc, after she gave me an online test asking if I was sleeping or had suicidal thoughts – yes and no – that doesn’t freaking mean I don’t need help - told me I didn’t qualify for more help. Which in Kaiser Speak means they save the few spots they have for people who seem to be needier. I sent her back an email talking about the emotional abuse and anxiety and Son and Partner and his Kids (good stuff that I want to talk about) and Daughter and my diet and blah. My doc asked the therapist I didn’t like (the one I stopped going to see – she wasn’t listening to me…she was planning things for me) call me and tell me I should contact WEAVE because they do individual and group counseling regarding emotional abuse (and that’s why Kaiser doesn’t – I call bullshit) and to confirm the transfer to another counselor for one on one, I think, and that there is a emotion regulation group I might be able to go to at Kaiser. So I may go to a walk in “triage” at WEAVE and tell them about my situation and see what they recommend after I find out what Kaiser is going to do.

I don’t want to sit in a group of physically abused women because it triggers me into thoughts of “they need help more than I do and I’m ok so I don’t need to be here”. And it's brutal, but if I'm going to sob in front of strangers, I want to sob to work through my own crap instead of at other people's stories. I can't even watch movies or tv about it without falling apart.

I AM ok, I just want to talk an impartial party who will hear about my struggles with Son and the aftermath of the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered, why the hell I jump out of my skin every time I hear a loud noise, and our blended family wonderfulness and the complications and everything.

*deep breath*

I actually woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long, long time. More in control and feeling happy. Part of it is that Partner is coming over tonight. The other part of it is that Son has been really great lately. I mean he’s Son and still tells me he’s not emptying the dishwasher when I ask and when I get him to, he bangs his elbow then yells FUCK IT and crawls back into his cave, with the dishwasher still full…but he has been hearing me when I ask him not to do something or when I talk to him. He’s been good with Daughter too, though the sibling stuff still happens.

So much work. How on earth can my PCP tell me I don’t get to receive services? After my email rant I got the phone call…

Anyway…my brain is all fuddled and part of it is that another thing that’s happened to me lately is I’ve started to care more about things, like my job. I was seriously lagging at work, getting things done slowly, putting out fires I could have avoided. Part of the depression where you just don’t care that much about some things. I would spend my time daydreaming about another job when I wasn’t doing the one I have well. I’m stepping back up again and working harder, sleeping more, eating better, and doing little things for myself life a monthly massage and coloring my hair, eating sushi with Partner.

They stretch the budget but they reward me and make me feel happy.

Phew. I never really know what I’m going to say until I start typing and it all falls out all over the place. Thanks for listening.

I Internalize Things

Let's talk.

If something happens to me I don't usually talk about it, and I just let all of the things build inside of me until I reach a breaking point. I know I should open up about whatever I'm feeling, regardless of how much "I just don't want to get into it" or "I don't feel like talking." 

Speak up and tell your story. Express yourself.

I'm trying to take my own advice but the I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT gets me every time.

Dammit.

What Depression Feels Like

 Hyperbole and a Half

Though mine never quite gets beyond the sobbing, curled up in a ball, with or without alcohol in hand (mostly without, because I don't allow myself to drink alone anymore) at its worst, and a vague feeling of being uncomfortable or bored, and slightly frustrated and unsure of how to label how I feel, at best. Mostly I'm ok 90% of the time. But this lady is brilliant in her writing and description about depression.

Dear Son,

We're doing our very best for you buddy. Hang in there. We'll get through this godforsaken school/life stigma thing...We love you.

-All of us

It's Getting Better - It Comes In Waves

Larry, Curly and Moe

I thank my family for their lovely support, though I have to admit that the snarlyness sometimes directed at my kids gives me mixed emotions. I know they love me and are supporting me, and are protective because of my history with Ex. I love them and appreciate them. I know it’s coming from their heart. Mama bear comes out to defend Kids even when they’re making me nutty.

I work with a lot of women who have adult/older children and they are supportive, when I open my mouth and share, and have assured me that it’s a phase and that Son will soften and be kinder eventually, just hang in there. Others tell me stories about their own sons, some really sad, and some positive. Mostly positive stories about parenting boys. I’m going to start going to a group when the kids aren’t with me for Parents who are Codependent with their kids. I think it will be good for me. My friend and coworker is going to scope it out and report back. She invited me to join her at the group.

I go through phases with my depression where I feel overwhelmed and need to vent when it seems insurmountable. Then I get back on that horse and parent my two kids who love, love, love me. I know that. I am safe to challenge and that is the stage they are in. June is starting, but in a passive aggressive way. It’s interesting.

At the end of the day, I still love to curl up with them and talk, laugh and watch movies. The majority of the time, which you don’t hear about, is when they feel bad about frustrating me and spend the next half hour acting like complete goofballs to lighten the mood. Couple nights ago 20 mins after Son stormed away from the dinner table (for the third time in four days) he scooted around on the floor like Curly, making Daughter and I crack up. It’s sometimes hard for me to switch gears, but I know that’s his way of asking forgiveness.

The truth of the matter is I reach out to them to be heard, and they hear me, and I appreciate and love them so much for it.

Son Abusing Me?

Hard day yesterday.

I read an article about kids abusing their parents and started a hard talk with Ex and Son's therapist. Son is verbally and emotionally abusive, and borderline physically abusive to Daughter and I. Ex and I were talking about switching the custody time around so he had them Mon-Thurs and I have them Fri-Sun, except one weekend a month. With flexibility for plans and trips, etc. Ex said he was willing to manage the bulk of the homework and scheduling so Son can't fight with me about it.

I feel ashamed that I can't manage my kid and that he bullies me.

I'm going to start going to a group with a friend and coworker next week for parents who are codependent with their kids Thursday nights.

And I have a phone meeting with Son's therapist today at 1230.

We would have the regular schedule for summer time, then we decided not to change the schedule. We worry that it might make things worse. It makes Ex the bad guy and I see the kids less.

Mostly we decided against the schedule because Ex realized how much extra work he'd have...I was ready to totally rearrange my life and schedule - but both kids were so upset about the change we read them the riot act then moved on with our day.
It did go better last night at my house...a little smoother. Everyone was being careful and mindful, including me.

I don't know what the answer is. We all had a come to Jesus talk and hopefully we got through to them. Daughter's been lying to me too. Very disappointing.

Ex said he's worried that Son is on the border of becoming a delinquent...I agree. He's skipped 7 classes (the same class) and is failing PE because he doesn't change into PE clothes, get this: because he doesn't want to run before he lifts weights.

...

Seriously. Who wants to run? But wow, he's willing to take grief from his teachers and his parents just so he doesn't have to deal with things he doesn't like.

His view of the future is so skewed...I'm lost.

Hopefully the phone call with his therapist today will enlighten me.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

 :)

A new link I'm putting in the sidebar on the blog...found it in a new group in Facebook. See it here.

Have a great weekend!

A Note To Partner about Ex From March 2012

"Husband (at the time) said many, many interesting things to me last night. We had one of the best talks we've ever had, in our entire marriage. He acknowledged that most of what's wrong between us is him. He went out and picked up a higher dosage of medication, and he told me that when he says NO, usually it means that he's distracted or that this is only his initial reaction without thinking, and that I should talk to him about it later. I told him that where I came from, No meant no. Silly me. He also said that even if he does say no, I should feel free to go ahead and do what I want anyway, if it's important to me. This sounds an awful lot like permission, but really it's his way of saying that I shouldn't let him tell me no, I can't go do something, and if he does, I don't have to listen. I know this, as an adult. I know I can do what I want. But marital strife is not my best thing. It's important for me for him to be ok with what I do, but I just am really frustrated with what he doesn't appear to be ok with. He is working hard on himself right now, and I can see the results. More and more every day."

Remember, at the time, we were practicing Polyamory by Partner's request.

We had many, many of these talks over the years but this is the first one where he acknowledged that the issues in our marriage might not be just me. (It takes two to tango...)

He promptly forgot this conversation, and stopped taking the meds after a time.

Also, me ignoring his NO and doing what I want usually resulted in a silent treatment situation like this, which was always horrible for me, so I stopped trying.

Anyway, just thinking about the past today and how fortunate I am to be so happy and free now.

Sometimes I Just Need To Fall Apart

Hopefully there is someone there to catch me, or at least be able to vent then pick myself up and put me back together.

Last night, it was daughter who helped put me back together...all beautiful, comforting, understanding, so-much-like-me, 12 year old loveliness. 

I have so much guilt about having she and Son see me fall apart. I know I have to sometimes, and it's normal, and I (you) just have to sometimes, but jeebus...

I ran out of words. I'm spent and tired today.

The point is, I got tired, fed up, and just plain overwhelmed with how much work Son is and fell apart. Today my eyes are swollen, I'm dehydrated, and my psyche is tired. I was curled up in a blithering ball of sob with Daughter wrapped around my back, soothing me.

I didn't know that much fluid could come out of my head at once.

That's a lot of work for a girl who's just trying to navigate her preteen years...but I do appreciate her so very much. I'd have to say she's my best girlfriend.

This morning I apologized and thanked her, telling her that I feel like I should keep up a strong face for her, but that I just can't all the time.

Crud. Now I know my eyes are showing my night last night because the second coworker came in and asked me if I was alright. (Yes, I often post at work. I'm taking a break. :)

Anyway, teenagers are a lot of work even when they don't have special needs. I know I have to let him fall so he'll learn to take care of himself. I need to step back and let him.

Love and light.

Frustrating!

I KNOW Son can do more than I sometimes give him credit for; that I need to believe in him. And I do! I do! I'm his biggest damned advocate and have been since he was born. 

I know I'm also overprotective.

We grew up together; I learned how to raise children with my special needs child. I sometimes look at Daughter as an adult because she is so different, and I know that's not fair to her. She's four years younger and tries really hard to be patient and understand why he's such a squeaky wheel and gets more attention. I also try to acknowledge her for it. Often.

Son wants to be home schooled like his BFF, but Ex says Son needs the socialization of his public school. We have often differed in what to do for Son, and how to raise him. I tend to coddle him, and Ex tends to be a drill sergeant.

I'd do anything to help him find his place in the world and his self esteem. He is not a boy/man that thrives in big groups.

He spent a good part of the weekend with party guests taking breaks alone. Partner got him out on the Ultimate Frisbee field to play with his pickup team, and Son lasted a few minutes before he declared his foot hurt. He also asked why Partner was yelling at him, and since another sensitive boy who was there asked Partner NOT to yell at him, I know that it's just THE DAD VOICE partner has sometimes when he's trying to organize a group of kids/people. I explained that to them and everyone felt better...Partner thought it was amusing and pointed out the they weren't likely to hear that voice from him anywhere else.

I'm thrilled because Son went out and tried. That is HUGE. I am fortunate that Partner understands my need for a positive role model for Son as well as occasional help. He'll do things for Partner (so far) that he won't do for me.

I'll take it. 

Son is more like me in that he needs/wants to be solitary sometimes. He played with everyone at the party and had a good time, but the lack of routine and knowing what would happen next has always disturbed him.

No matter what I do, Son is son and I have to help him find the path that works for him. Not what his father would like him to be...and for the record, I wouldn't change him one bit, unless I could do something to make life easier for him.

Which reminds me...when my brother came out of the closet (we were in high school) my mother cried. She explained to him that it was not because he is gay, it's because his life was going to be harder.

That's how I feel about Son. I love him. I love the way he is. I love that he just wants to be loved and make people laugh. He wants acceptance and to be comfortable. 

Isn't that what we all want?

The issue is, often it takes different circumstances to give him that comfort and acceptance.

If he was home schooled (charter schools here where he can go in once a week and do his work at home) he'd be in an environment with other kids like him. There would be socialization and more potential for good friendships in an atmosphere that is understanding, rather than being silent in public school for fear that someone will judge him and compare him to the other kids who don't appear to have social and school trouble like him.

He has friends, just not many in his public school.

I don't know what's right for him. He's more like me, and people don't GET that. His dad thinks I'm holding him back. Putting labels on him. 

I have labels dammit! Depression! Learning disability! Social anxiety! Codependent! ADD! Where do I draw the line between trying to make people understand and labeling him?! Argh.

For the record: his dad and I are great at co-parenting. I don't have (many) complaints. He loves them.I respect his opinion because he does his best just like I try to do

....and labeling myself. I'm not ashamed of my mental health.

However, I think Son will most likely stay in public school because Ex and I have to agree for Son to change his education plan. Ex stopped responding to my emails about Home Schooling and changed the subject.

Story of my life with him.

Loss of Innocense & Her Birthday

Angry bird is angry.

Son was walking home from school yesterday with his hoodie up on (because he hates it when the wind blows his hair) and he told me a woman in the new neighborhood at his dad's house pulled up to him in her car and told him "THEY" were watching him because of burglaries in the neighborhood.

...

WTH is wrong with people?! He's a 15 yr old with special needs walking home from school. He said he cried a little and ran home.

WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD KID! YOU'RE A THIEF!!!

I cried from frustration on my commute this morning. How can I protect him? I can't.

Goddammit.

I am blessed to be entrusted with his love and care. 


In other news,

She derps.

12 years ago today I gave birth to my best friend and Daughter. I am blessed to be entrusted with her love and care.

The pregnancy was difficult as I had gestational diabetes. I also worked in a grade school with rough kids. A fight broke out at least once a week. That job was a nightmare...I went on maternity leave and never went back. I felt guilty about leaving the kids but I really couldn't handle them...no one could.

I induced labor (mistake) because she was a week late. They kept upping the epidural because it wasn't working. I was shaking uncontrollably from the pitocin and she was born blue, with the cord wrapped around her neck. No one told me that until later. I just knew they wouldn't let me see her immediately.

They kept her in NICU for a week, with me coming twice a day with my mom (thank you mom!) to feed her. They wanted to make sure SHE didn't have diabetes. She did not, and they finally let me take her home.

I was thrilled she was healthy and giggly, and still is. She is a miracle, as is Son.

I Edited My Caveat And Thank You

  (I realize I already used this picture, but I wanted it here too.)

It was time to make some edits to my Caveat and Thank You at the bottom of this blog page. As I learn and grow, I've found that some of what I had written in the posts makes me wince. Some of it due to the amazement at how far I've come, and some due to the venom and anger that fueled my fear and anxiety. 

A coworker told me this week that she has seen how far I have come, and congratulated me. I was surprised because I don't always remember exactly how it felt back when I was trying to decide whether or not to get divorced. Every so often I go back and read some of my posts to remember and appreciate my growth and healing.

I think it's important to keep everything in perspective, particularly to be aware of how much better I feel, and how much happier I am.

The mention of my diagnosis in the Thank You seemed important to write, as it was brought to mind this morning when I was talking with a loved one about her pain, and my trying to support her without knowing exactly what's going on. 

She is loyal and strong, and I have always admired and strove to emulate her.

This week, if nothing else, please let the people you love know how much you care about them. It's vital, and might help them along their own path. I was trying to express this to her.

For my sister-in-law, I say:

"To all of the wonderful people throughout the years who have been kind and patient with me as I have navigated my self toward this independence. To the rediscovery of me. Please know that I was/am navigating an emotional minefield of divorce and abuse in the best way I knew how including anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, and it was not my intention to hurt anyone. I burned some bridges and lost some important relationships along the way. My diagnoses have had their way with me, but in no way define me any longer."

And also, I love you. I support you. And I am here for you, always. Not just because of the family relationship we've had, but because your heart is as big as the kindness you have always shown me.

Thank you.

New Theme And Update!

New look! I like to change with the seasons, and it's so abnormally warm here I thought I'd put some blue. Supposed to rain this week though...fingers crossed!

OH! I was going to update in the end of the last post and I forgot:

I came out of my cold/depression haze (though the stupidy cold is still there - I'm losing my voice) and I am feeling a lot better. I just upped my dose of depression meds to where I was supposed to be, and wrapped the people I love around me. That is really hard to do when you're feeling depressed, I know, but my kids are with me every other week so eventually someone is in the house that I have to take care of besides myself. Taking care of my kids makes me very happy because they are old enough now to understand when I'm feeling down and why (Son also suffers from depression, if you recall) and Daughter at the ripe age of almost 12 still (thank you tiny baby jesus) wants to cuddle with me and give me hugs and kisses. And when we are all together we mostly laugh, and argue, negotiate, laugh,  gripe, laugh, sleep, laugh, eat, laugh.

And then there is Partner and Second Daughter and Son, not to mention my friends, which just add to the abundant love that I have surrounded myself with.

I am blessed, and even when I am in the goddamned pit of depression my chemicals heap upon me from time to time, I know this.

Thank you.

It Got Ahold Of Me Again

Couldn't get myself to work today. I decided not to go because I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to get up. Kept falling asleep. Don't feel good. Sneezing and coughing and stuffy nose. I could have gone to work but headache and depression bogging me down too. I rarely stay home from work so I'm fighting guilt. I colored my hair again last night and am second guessing it, not being nice to myself. I'm going to be ok, I just need to sit here I guess and contemplate all these things and whether or not I should double my antidepressant to where doc said I should be. I'm only taking half of what was prescribed because that seems to work. I've been drinking alone lately too and need to think about why and stop again. I know it's self medicating and I need to cook something good for me and start exercising regularly again. I know how to take care of myself I've just not been doing it very well lately. I'll give myself today to be in a slump and then pull myself together tomorrow and go to work.

It's funny. I have all the sympathy in the world for people who suffer from depression, but when it's me I give myself time limits and rules.

Not so funny, actually, but interesting.

I Hate Money

Aanndd...there you have it. Turns out I received more money than I remembered last year and I need to pay it back with this fucking tax amendment...but it also means that Ex has to pay too, which still means he screwed up his W-2, therefore screwing both of us.

Why can't we just barter like we use to? I need to go to the doctor so I give him a chicken for his services. My friend needs some help with painting her house so I help, then she helps me build a fence.

What happened?

Grrr.

I should say that I could get some help building a fence, but that would require money. That I don't have.

I hate money. And I hate being financially connected to Ex.

Hmm...seems I went off on a tangent. This year is the year to get disconnected in all but coparenting with him. But my mortgage is cheaper than rent, and I live an hour away from Partner, and my kid's schools are thirty minutes from my house AND job.

ACK.

I just want so peace. Please. Peace of mind, quiet, boring family evenings with the people I love without driving for hours and hours to make it happen.

Maybe it's time for a therapist again.

I'm all over the place today.

Thanks for listening to my whine.

I'm Happy, Dammit

I choose to be happy and to give as much as I'm able. There are some who tease me for being an optimist in every situation, and I believe, look down on me because of it. I once joked to Partner's Ex about picking up my dog's poop while walking in the park: "It keeps your hands warm when it's cold!" (Through a poop bag. I have teenagers. Nothing grosses me out anymore.) My playa name is 'The Good Witch Lollipop'. (Given to me by Partner.) 

I'd like to thank my good friend (he knows who he is), for making me believe that my laugh is shiny and wonderful.

Being positive can be emotionally exhausting, particularly when someone doesn't really SEE me. Even when I feel I've tied a knot and am hanging on to the end...it keeps me from falling into a pit of despair. 

I hate that damned pit.

I have been struggling the last few days. In response to my difficulty, I have sent an email to Partner's Ex, trying to share my deep feelings with her to see if I can deepen our relationship as well as let her know that I feel hurt. It's past time that she really see me. I'm not sure what she thinks I've been doing the last 2.5 years (falling in love with her children and deeper into it with Partner, and coming to respect and like her...dare I say love?).

I left her a voicemail once in response to something she asked me a while back, because she didn't pick up. When I saw her next, she told me she didn't listen to the whole thing because it was too long. Insulting. Power play? Maybe. I feel she has ingrained behavior that she sees differently than I do. What I see as insulting may be just her way of living her life the best way she knows how. I try to take it all with a grain of salt and move on, not worrying about it.

This is what I wrote to her, edited to protect:

"At the 'Event' I was going to read a speech I had written, because I'm afraid of public speaking. I chickened out and went BLARGH instead. I would like you to read this, if you will, because I express myself better in writing, and when I get emotional I tend to fall apart.

I'm aware that when some people look at me they see a shy, fat, stupid blond, with big boobs and not much else, and the worst mistake people usually make is underestimating my intelligence, strength, and resilience. It's easy to write me off if you don't see me. I would prefer that people look past the outside to see the empathic, loving, liberal, good witch, earth mother that I am.

I want you to see me.

It is beyond humiliating for me to try to express deep feelings then burst into tears, or to have an anxiety attack trying to say what I feel I need to say out loud. I put on a mask of calm, aloof, control and then process later in private. It's self defense when I am in situations that make me uncomfortable. It's also amusing that sometimes it pisses people off when they're angry at me.

I did not walk into your life causally without being fully aware of what I was getting into, and I have done my damnedest to be the best part of it that I can be. I do not take the responsibility of being a part of it, in particular (her and Partner's) 'daughter' and 'son', lightly, and I do not take for granted the fact that my presence may be extremely difficult for you at times.

I think it's past time that you and I have some deeper conversation, and for me to let you know that I am afraid of and don't feel safe with you. I am not saying that you did anything to make me feel that way. My family visiting me over Xmas reminded me of why I react the way I do in certain situations and why I have typically picked partners and others in my life who abuse me. I am working to trust easily, but I fear it's a long road.

The Speech:

'I would like to give thanks. I wrote this because this is how I express myself well, and public speaking is terrifying.

This year has been one of the hardest of my life. It has also been one of the most wonderful. I am finally free of my 20 year abusive marriage and have forgiven myself for staying in it so long. I regained the space I needed to be myself and to live the way I want, without fear. I am shedding the pain and anxiety that ruled my life, and am able to be fully present with my kids, with Partner, and with his and Partner's Ex's kids. I’d like to start calling (Partner's Ex and Partner's) daughter and son my Second Kids, if that’s ok with them. Between us there are four children, two houses, three dogs, one rabbit, one guinea pig, and one rat. We are a big, commingling family. I am happier now than I have ever been.

I want to thank Partner's Ex for welcoming me into her life and her home, and trusting me with her children. If she hadn't, I wouldn't be able to spend as much time up here with the people I love. I appreciate her.

When I first popped up in Second Son's life he asked me to stop teasing him, so I backed off and gave him space. I want to thank him because when he duels me with light sabers then cuddles up with me, calling me ‘Second Mom’, my heart melts.

I gave Second Daughter space from the beginning, because she’s an altogether different soul. I want to thank Second Daughter for finally grabbing my arm and dragging me into her world, trusting me enough to tell me how to dress, and for sharing herself with me.

I want to thank Friend, Friend, Friend's Daughter, and Friend's Son (some of the most wonderful people I've ever met) for including me in their circle, because their friendship has helped me open my heart again and re-learn to trust. Spending time in this safe place and being able to meet you all has helped me change my life.

My Son isn’t here this year because he's even more introverted than I am. He feels more comfortable in small groups and with familiarity. I want to thank him for teaching me that our love for each other is not always enough to keep from making each other crazy, unless you mix it with patience, humor, honesty, and trust. He feels safe enough to fight with me, his physical comedy makes me belly laugh, and he trusts me enough to ask me questions that make his conservative father's hair stand on end. His home with me is his safe place. We have been through the ringer together, and for him and the life lessons he has taught me, I am grateful.

I want to thank Daughter for lighting up my life. She snuggles with me, acts goofy to make me laugh, and hugs me when I need to be soothed. She works hard to be patient with the attention her brother often needs, and I want her to understand that I hear her, and I am trying hard to make sure she knows I love and appreciate her. Seeing such sensitivity and wacky humor all rolled up into one bouncing young woman reminds me of the person I used to be - the person I have fought so hard this year to become again. She is my best girlfriend, she is braver and smarter than I ever was at her age, and I love her to the moon and back.

I can’t express how deeply I feel about Partner. I spent most of the first year of our relationship baffled. I have never been treated the way he treats me. He has shown me unconditional love and trust. He plays with me, cooks for me, does housework, works hard at whatever task is at hand, he hears me, and he is attentive to my needs. He even remembers what I say. He is a role model for kindness and friendship. I have never been loved this deeply before or felt so comfortable being myself. When I showed him the real me he responded in kind with more charm, affection, and selflessness than I have ever been given. He is my Amorous Compatible, and I love him from the depths of my heart. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

Thank you all for hearing me."

I know you're going through some tough feelings right now and that I have a part in that.

I want you to know that I hear you, and that I'm sorry you feel hurt.

I also want you to know that I am feeling hurt by the backlash of yours. (She reacted deeply, and with difficulty to Partner telling our room full of friends that I am the love of his life. Her response has been to make his life more difficult, and to request that I stay away from their home for 'a while', so she can recover from the apparent insult. He has gritted his teeth and apologized for hurting her feelings, pointing out that this is how he feels, to keep the peace.) I feel hurt and left out, much like I did in the beginning when my relationship with Partner was more secretive about who I was, and I'm scared because I used to worry a lot about you being able to keep me from seeing Partner and your kids. 

Now I see that happening.

I also know that how I feel will eventually blow over, and hopefully you will be able to process your hurt too, but I also know that you're more in control of the situation than I am, and I feel like I'm being punished. I don't feel I did anything wrong, nor do I feel Partner did anything wrong, and my anger and frustration about the situation makes me cry.

I feel my welcome extended by you has been revoked. I know that I have given you the power to make me feel this way, and that makes me more upset. I don't want to add to your stress. I just want to be able to see your children, who I have come to love deeply, and Partner when we are able to make it happen with all of our busy schedules.

I have tried hard to stay out of your way and to be unobtrusive, to help as much as I can when I'm at your house to earn my keep and help things go smoothly, when I am emotionally able to. I have been uncomfortable sometimes, but the love and support I felt made me think it was just me making up things to worry about. Our situation is unique, and I was proud of it; proud to be part of it until I felt shunned.

That being said, I am feeling extra sensitive right now and am usually able to be stoic and stay out of it until things blow over. When it directly affects the people that I love, including you, I can't stay out or silent for long.

My hope is that opening this communication line between us will help make sure that we are all emotionally taken care of, particularly our children, in the future.

We don't need to discuss this or ever talk about it at all if you prefer not to. But know that I may write another note in the future if I have more deep feelings I want to share with you.

I hope your work party tonight goes well (that I could not join because she would be 'uncomfortable' - this is where the real hurt started) and that you have a good time, and that you enjoy your time away this weekend.

With love and light,

Me"

The end result is that today I am going up to their house to spend the weekend because she's going to be gone. I don't know how this will play out, but I will say that I am busy making plans to get myself closer to them and not too far from Kid's schools so this won't be as much of an issue. Living closer has been a dream of mine since I met Partner, and it's time I take more control of my life and make it happen.

Ex and I have talked briefly and with agreement about wanting to sell the house I live in that we co-own. We are getting along well now and hopefully we can make this happen with a minimum of difficulty.

We'll see.