The Song of Myself

(when I happen to see my changing body in the mirror...or just walk into a different room)

MY WASHER WORKS! Don't know what happened the other day. Maybe it was angry. I wouldn't drain or go behond the agitation cycle. (See? Angry!)

The places on my body that had more weight for the last few years seem to be rather elephant-skin like now.

Hmm. Fat not poofing the skin out as much. Hopefully I won't look like a wrinkly crone before my time.

I'm freeing up the notion of natural beauty I've been working on for some time now. I'm looking at my un-makeupped face differently. I come from a long line of southern women who wouldn't dare leave the house without full makeup, hair, well dressed with a girdle. My mother rebelled and I have followed her, but some things have lingered, like:

My eyes not having mascara or liner looks odd to me. I didn't wear much more makeup than that but I'm looking beyond what I perceive as too pale and short eyelashes, and red toned skin/eyelids.

I'm looking at the color of my eyes and the shape of my brows.

The curve of my cheekbones starting to peek out on my face again and my genetically beautiful skin. I thank my grandmother and my mother for that one. Pretty good for a girl whose skin looked awful as a teenager.

I'm looking at the perky ski slope of my nose.

I'm looking at my legs and starting to see again in my calves the reason I was dubbed "Legs" (during the ZZ Top era) in high school.

I'm looking at the stretch marks on my belly and upper thighs and remembering how happy (and terrified) I was to be pregnant.

I'm looking at my smaller breasts and seeing their full, soft, roundness, as opposed to the backbreaking and ponderous FUN BAGS Ex used to call them. Ex always insisted on calling them The Boys to irritate me, along with a lot of other disrespectful names and comments about my body that caused me to hide it. I stopped wearing shorts or tank tops for years before we divorced. I wore control top pantyhose and girdles and heavy bras to reshape myself into the body he wanted me to have. I would never have left the house bra less or worn a bikini. I wore a lot of uncomfortable clothing to please him, and wore makeup to feel pretty. Dressed the way he thought was sexy.

If you could see me now you'd see that I dress comfortably/eclectically...sort of like a boho-hippie with my own twist, in natural fabrics.

Lots of feelings and new thoughts in my head about my changing body and outlook, and seeing myself through Partner's eyes has never helped me feel more lovely and self confident, even ten lbs ago.

I see the curve of my hip, and my waist reappearing.

I see my hair getting longer the way I've always wanted it.

I feel free and supported to look and feel how I want to look and feel. And the self confidence I used to feel is creeping back as I stop feeding my negative emotions with starch and fat and sugar.

For all Partner's support and encouragement, I adore him more. I sent him this note and he remarked that it was sweet. "The song of yourself."

Thank you for accepting my heart and my body and my mind for what they are even when I didn't.

I am finally becoming me.

It's Time To Make A Huge Change

I need to move. I need to get off my ass and stop avoiding selling this house with Ex. I need to stop fearing the pain in the ass of dealing with him (again) and get together to put the house on the market.

I want to be with Partner all the time.

I'm scared because it's a big change, and so many things can go wrong or change in a short period of time.

I will also probably need to leave the job I love because where I want to live is too far to commute for a sane person.

Let me clarify:

Every friend I have in this area where I live works in my office. If I move, I won't see them every workday anymore. I love the feeling I get of having helped people we serve at the end of the day. My job is hard (emotionally) but easy to do. (I can do admin work with my eyes closed.) I could do without the constant battle of dealing with emotionally distraught people when I am just trying to get out of bed in the morning to deal with my own, albeit mostly happy, life. I could do with working in a different field. I've been told (*eyes Partner*) that I don't make very much money, but it's more money than I've ever made and I can pay my bills. I have benefits and a 401K.

AND:

I have no future or the hope of any kind of cost of living increase or promotion. There's no money in working for a nonprofit and nowhere to go UP. (Not that I want to. I'm happy working for someone I like.) It takes me 30-45 minutes to get to and from this job that is only 15-20 mins from my house. I am constantly at risk of someone going berserk, and something stressful or potentially dangerous happening (though the odds are low), or someone triggering me and making me cry.

It happens

The point is, it's time to move on. To start the new life I want, and that means a new house where Partner Kids, and Karma Kids and I can be together, and a new job.

I'll still need to drive a ways to get the kids to school, but I have to do what I have to do. I will figure out how to make it work.

I know that if I can leave an abusive marriage and coparent with my abuser, I'm brave enough to sell a house with him and change my job. It will be one less thing that connects me to him.

Ack. Scary!

Jesus...whew. *deep breath*

Let's do this.

Future Me A Year Ago

Have you ever heard of Future Me? I've been writing to myself for a few years now and it opens my eyes every time to see how far I've come in just a year. This is mine from March 2013 (I've edited some of it for privacy - Also, apparently, I was having trouble with capitals and tenses.):

"Dear FutureMe,

I am in the final stages of divorce and I am so proud of myself for going through with one of the best choices I ever made. Despite Ex's anger and your anxiety attacks, you stood up for yourself and your kids and made a choice to improve our life and be healthier, mentally and emotionally. Partner and I are planning our future of forever together, and he just told his sister about me. The kids are doing well and Son sprained his ankle, and comes to you for questions and sharing because he feels safe. Daughter is struggling with stupid busywork state homework and rebelling a little bit. both kids will go to a new district and you want to move so, so badly to where Partner lives. Partner is out to his community and friends about you, and is the best man I've ever met in my life. you volunteered to hug at Burnal Equinox 2013 and getting involved changed your whole experience.

i love you. you are brave and magical things are coming to fruition for you. keep visualizing. :)

Love, 
Me"

Want to send yourself an email you'll see one year from now? Go to Future Me and sign up. I'm heading there now to write a letter for myself for next spring...

Son Abusing Me?

Hard day yesterday.

I read an article about kids abusing their parents and started a hard talk with Ex and Son's therapist. Son is verbally and emotionally abusive, and borderline physically abusive to Daughter and I. Ex and I were talking about switching the custody time around so he had them Mon-Thurs and I have them Fri-Sun, except one weekend a month. With flexibility for plans and trips, etc. Ex said he was willing to manage the bulk of the homework and scheduling so Son can't fight with me about it.

I feel ashamed that I can't manage my kid and that he bullies me.

I'm going to start going to a group with a friend and coworker next week for parents who are codependent with their kids Thursday nights.

And I have a phone meeting with Son's therapist today at 1230.

We would have the regular schedule for summer time, then we decided not to change the schedule. We worry that it might make things worse. It makes Ex the bad guy and I see the kids less.

Mostly we decided against the schedule because Ex realized how much extra work he'd have...I was ready to totally rearrange my life and schedule - but both kids were so upset about the change we read them the riot act then moved on with our day.
It did go better last night at my house...a little smoother. Everyone was being careful and mindful, including me.

I don't know what the answer is. We all had a come to Jesus talk and hopefully we got through to them. Daughter's been lying to me too. Very disappointing.

Ex said he's worried that Son is on the border of becoming a delinquent...I agree. He's skipped 7 classes (the same class) and is failing PE because he doesn't change into PE clothes, get this: because he doesn't want to run before he lifts weights.

...

Seriously. Who wants to run? But wow, he's willing to take grief from his teachers and his parents just so he doesn't have to deal with things he doesn't like.

His view of the future is so skewed...I'm lost.

Hopefully the phone call with his therapist today will enlighten me.

A Note To Partner about Ex From March 2012

"Husband (at the time) said many, many interesting things to me last night. We had one of the best talks we've ever had, in our entire marriage. He acknowledged that most of what's wrong between us is him. He went out and picked up a higher dosage of medication, and he told me that when he says NO, usually it means that he's distracted or that this is only his initial reaction without thinking, and that I should talk to him about it later. I told him that where I came from, No meant no. Silly me. He also said that even if he does say no, I should feel free to go ahead and do what I want anyway, if it's important to me. This sounds an awful lot like permission, but really it's his way of saying that I shouldn't let him tell me no, I can't go do something, and if he does, I don't have to listen. I know this, as an adult. I know I can do what I want. But marital strife is not my best thing. It's important for me for him to be ok with what I do, but I just am really frustrated with what he doesn't appear to be ok with. He is working hard on himself right now, and I can see the results. More and more every day."

Remember, at the time, we were practicing Polyamory by Partner's request.

We had many, many of these talks over the years but this is the first one where he acknowledged that the issues in our marriage might not be just me. (It takes two to tango...)

He promptly forgot this conversation, and stopped taking the meds after a time.

Also, me ignoring his NO and doing what I want usually resulted in a silent treatment situation like this, which was always horrible for me, so I stopped trying.

Anyway, just thinking about the past today and how fortunate I am to be so happy and free now.

Tumblrer Twitterer Pinterester Instagramer...Why?!

Social networking...

I'm struggling with my fears and how much to put my story out there. I've gone back and forth for years about what, who, when, where, and why to tell my story without being discovered by Ex.

...I'm struggling, once again, with being the beneficiary of Ex's wrath.

Not to mention the people who would judge me or flat out not believe me. And they are out there...I respect the fact that Ex's family and the friends I lost in the divorce might not choose to believe what went on.

Except for that one Jackhole who texted me in the middle of the night that I was a BITCH for divorcing Ex, thus triggering a week-long anxiety attack. I don't respect him. I do, however, forgive because he has a small brain and has been hurt so badly by his ex-wife that he talks to all women that way.

We all have our karma to work out.

I've started linking some of my social networking accounts together to share my stories a little farther...I have a need, apparently. I ask that if you do see a real life name here and there, or a real life fact that leads you to find out more about me personally, or that your discover you know me AND Ex, that you use your new found information for good and not evil. :)

Why am I spreading my stories a little farther?

To help someone like me?

Revenge?

I love to write?

To get the stories out of my head, like a diary, so I can move on with my day? This, mostly.

I'm afraid Ex will see this blog and be enraged and that it will hamper our new, relaxed, best for the kids relationship.

If he does, what would I say?

I was angry?

I was hurt?

What you thought our relationship was, was not what it was for me?

I'm sorry for outing you? (Because he might choose to damage our relationship further, or take it out on the kids.)

I'm sorry for telling my truth? (I'm not. But I know how I get with him. Tell him what he wants to hear, when I'm afraid, so I can get the fuck out of dodge.)

All these reasons seem paltry next to the deep, deep fear I have about him being mad at me. About any man being mad at me.

I know that's why I haven't linked things together until now...why my blog has been anonymous.

Ask Partner about my fear of angry men, who held my hand while I shook and jumped with fear, and the tears that ran down my face while we were watching, "12 Years As A Slave". Ask the man who soothes me when I hear a loud noise and jump out of my skin. Who tells his Ex no, when she suggests something I can't emotionally handle. The man who holds me tight when my depression gets a hold of me and squeezes until I have to leave work for the day or hide in our bedroom.


I'm deciding to step farther out of my comfort zone a little more and show the world who I really am, because I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm trying to adopt the Zero Fucks Given approach, though I know there will always be things I give fucks about.

*bitch voice in head* WHAT IF THE KIDS SEE IT?!!

Then they do. They already know that my marriage to their dad was difficult and painful, and that mom's house is more relaxing than dad's. I'll answer their questions when they ask them. They are preteen/teenagers now...as for Karma Kids, they see very little media so I don't guess they'll see this any time soon, but when and if they do ask I'll answer as honestly as I can, editing for age.

At some point, I expect, all the kids will realize they have more power about where they stay than they know, and my house will be full more often.

I've put some new links down the sidebar here to some of the places I hang out when I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like working. :) There will be posts and pictures and things that won't be shown here, so if you're curious, feel free.

Social media: the escape for those who are able to utilize it.

Frustrating!

I KNOW Son can do more than I sometimes give him credit for; that I need to believe in him. And I do! I do! I'm his biggest damned advocate and have been since he was born. 

I know I'm also overprotective.

We grew up together; I learned how to raise children with my special needs child. I sometimes look at Daughter as an adult because she is so different, and I know that's not fair to her. She's four years younger and tries really hard to be patient and understand why he's such a squeaky wheel and gets more attention. I also try to acknowledge her for it. Often.

Son wants to be home schooled like his BFF, but Ex says Son needs the socialization of his public school. We have often differed in what to do for Son, and how to raise him. I tend to coddle him, and Ex tends to be a drill sergeant.

I'd do anything to help him find his place in the world and his self esteem. He is not a boy/man that thrives in big groups.

He spent a good part of the weekend with party guests taking breaks alone. Partner got him out on the Ultimate Frisbee field to play with his pickup team, and Son lasted a few minutes before he declared his foot hurt. He also asked why Partner was yelling at him, and since another sensitive boy who was there asked Partner NOT to yell at him, I know that it's just THE DAD VOICE partner has sometimes when he's trying to organize a group of kids/people. I explained that to them and everyone felt better...Partner thought it was amusing and pointed out the they weren't likely to hear that voice from him anywhere else.

I'm thrilled because Son went out and tried. That is HUGE. I am fortunate that Partner understands my need for a positive role model for Son as well as occasional help. He'll do things for Partner (so far) that he won't do for me.

I'll take it. 

Son is more like me in that he needs/wants to be solitary sometimes. He played with everyone at the party and had a good time, but the lack of routine and knowing what would happen next has always disturbed him.

No matter what I do, Son is son and I have to help him find the path that works for him. Not what his father would like him to be...and for the record, I wouldn't change him one bit, unless I could do something to make life easier for him.

Which reminds me...when my brother came out of the closet (we were in high school) my mother cried. She explained to him that it was not because he is gay, it's because his life was going to be harder.

That's how I feel about Son. I love him. I love the way he is. I love that he just wants to be loved and make people laugh. He wants acceptance and to be comfortable. 

Isn't that what we all want?

The issue is, often it takes different circumstances to give him that comfort and acceptance.

If he was home schooled (charter schools here where he can go in once a week and do his work at home) he'd be in an environment with other kids like him. There would be socialization and more potential for good friendships in an atmosphere that is understanding, rather than being silent in public school for fear that someone will judge him and compare him to the other kids who don't appear to have social and school trouble like him.

He has friends, just not many in his public school.

I don't know what's right for him. He's more like me, and people don't GET that. His dad thinks I'm holding him back. Putting labels on him. 

I have labels dammit! Depression! Learning disability! Social anxiety! Codependent! ADD! Where do I draw the line between trying to make people understand and labeling him?! Argh.

For the record: his dad and I are great at co-parenting. I don't have (many) complaints. He loves them.I respect his opinion because he does his best just like I try to do

....and labeling myself. I'm not ashamed of my mental health.

However, I think Son will most likely stay in public school because Ex and I have to agree for Son to change his education plan. Ex stopped responding to my emails about Home Schooling and changed the subject.

Story of my life with him.

I Hate Money

Aanndd...there you have it. Turns out I received more money than I remembered last year and I need to pay it back with this fucking tax amendment...but it also means that Ex has to pay too, which still means he screwed up his W-2, therefore screwing both of us.

Why can't we just barter like we use to? I need to go to the doctor so I give him a chicken for his services. My friend needs some help with painting her house so I help, then she helps me build a fence.

What happened?

Grrr.

I should say that I could get some help building a fence, but that would require money. That I don't have.

I hate money. And I hate being financially connected to Ex.

Hmm...seems I went off on a tangent. This year is the year to get disconnected in all but coparenting with him. But my mortgage is cheaper than rent, and I live an hour away from Partner, and my kid's schools are thirty minutes from my house AND job.

ACK.

I just want so peace. Please. Peace of mind, quiet, boring family evenings with the people I love without driving for hours and hours to make it happen.

Maybe it's time for a therapist again.

I'm all over the place today.

Thanks for listening to my whine.

"His Dark Words Took Up Residence Inside My Head"

 (My New Year Resolution)

This post is a little bit cheaty, but hey - it's my blog and I have lots to say today...third post I've written! (I spread them out so as not to overwhelm you with my fabulousness.)

I read this today and it moved me, as I always am when I read about an experience similar to mine. Interestingly it did not trigger me, as such things used to. I must be healing!

Woohoo!

I gave Ex a lot of power over me in the past and it's fascinating to note that even though I OWE THE IRS $2,500, it feels ok because I am rid of him taxwise and never have to deal with his tax bullshit again.

Did I say Woohoo?!

Anyway, enjoy the article. I hope that someday we will all are free of being triggered by our Exes.

Thanks for listening.

I Now Owe The IRS $2,500 Because Ex Fucked Up His W-2

(What I say to myself when I start to worry about other people's stuff too much -
Alternative title to this pic is 'Snowy Jones' Exorcism Wasn't Going Smoothly')

 
The title says it all.

Outside the nut shell:

Ex and I have written in the divorce settlement that we would file joint taxes last year. We verbally agreed that I would take care of the taxes and when I needed his W-2 and other papers, he ignored me, and ignored me, and ignored me, so I went ahead and filed as head of household because I was pissed (and more than a little stressed, anxiety ridden, and confused about what the hell was actually in our divorce settlement...sue me) and received about $300 back. I claimed the entirety of the house credit because I was living there and paying the mortgage.

Well, he wasn't too pleased about that. Especially when he discovered that he owed $3,000. He spend the next year, off and on, trying to talk me into amending my taxes to jointly file the tax return and I ignored him until he threatened me Monday night.

This pissed me off for a number of reasons:

1 - I wanted to get it done and to the IRS before the deadline and he ignored me.

2- He sent me multiple emails in a 48 hour period about it with emotional threats and claiming he's been DOING THE RIGHT THING for the last 15 months, including moving out of the house so I could live in HIS HOUSE with cheaper rent (mortgage) than he is now paying.

3 - The night he sent the email that broke the camel's back, I was three drinks into a comfy little evening I had planned for myself to make some soup and watch Netflix alone. Precious alone time to recharge my batteries.

I lost my shit.

Whilst three sheets to the wind (don't judge - I am an adult and was alone that evening - and not depressed - Woo!) I prepared a fiery, cuss word filled email on my phone that I was busily editing (even whilst loopy I am a stickler to say precisely what I want to say in exactly the correct way to express myself accurately) when it disappeared.

...

CRAP!!!

Did I send it unfinished? No. Did it disappear off the face of the CLOUD? Yes.

FUCKERY!!

I sighed heavily, very frustrated, and started to write another response, this time wisely choosing my less tipsy response in a kinder way, realizing that sending those kinds of emails to Ex has never, ever benefited me or anyone else. I edited carefully and sent it calmly.

Never heard back.

Holy crap. Did he hear me and I stopped him in his tracks? Did he not see it yet? Either way, I went to bed anxiety ridden awaiting the fateful *scary breath sounds* that would alert me that he had responded.

Nothing at all.

The next day at work, clearheaded, I contacted my accountant and set into motion the process of amending my taxes. She did it, BAM, in less than 24 hours. Done, and awaiting his signature. This was big considering I've spent the last 20 years waiting for him to do our taxes and him filing extensions. (Which he also did again last year.)

You may know about how willing he is to sign things by some of my past posts, so I am trying to breathe deeply and be patient. Remember, his signing these papers makes him liable for only half of what he owes filing by himself so it's in his best interest. I am hoping to pick up the paperwork when I go by today to pick up Son for some mother-son bonding time tonight.

Below I have copied and pasted the emails. Guess what? The email didn't disappear. It went into the DRAFT folder I can't access through my phone.

Thank the tiny baby jesus that I didn't send it.

Just goes to show you what a bad combination booze, anger, and nasty emails from Ex are for me. And probably everyone.

Incidentally, he apologized for the nasty emails. I think it was a combination of my reminding him about what THE RIGHT THING actually is, and the fact that he thought I received $3,000 FROM the IRS last year that he OWED because I didn't file jointly with him. Welp. That's what you get when you don't ask.

ASS.

Anyhoo, the emails:

The One I Sent:

"Brace yourself. I'm about to say some things that will make you upset.

Do not threaten me with court. Never threaten me again. Never, ever again talk to me about your version of the right thing. I know things about you that would horrify everyone who thinks you're an upstanding man and citizen. The right thing my ass. I know a lot of things about you that other people don't. So think back to all those things I know about you and reconsider the way you speak to me from now on. No one ever made me feel as small and ashamed of myself and belittled as I did in what you talked me into doing for you in the twenty years you should have been treating me like a precious, loved woman deserving of respect.

Now. I'll discuss taxes with you when I'm good and fucking ready to do it and not because you want to fill your wallet with money I don't have and could spend on your children.

You have no hold over me anymore, so if you want something from me you will ask nicely without trying to manipulate my emotions and praising your Perfect Ex Husband act.

If you truly want to get along with me and show the kids how you should treat their mother, treat me the same way when they're not listening. You can't be my friend if you smile in my face when we see each other when other people are looking then make threats and try to manipulate my emotions when they're not.

Don't talk to me about what's right."

The Email I Didn't Send:

"I'm tired of your Perfect Ex Husband bullying and posturing. I'm tired of you pretending to want to be friends and that everything is ok then sending me passive aggressive bullying emails so that you can continue to have some semblance of control over me and to squeeze every last drop of blood out of every penny you can get your hands on. You make more than me. You claim to be doing the right thing and that you're doing it for the kids, but really you're trying to scare me into giving you money I don't have, money that I could use to spend on your children, trying to get me to comply by threatening me with taking me to court. I've offered to compensate you for the money that we verbally agreed on. I'm no longer interested in your self aggrandizing claims to be doing the right thing. Who is this right thing for? Who does it benefit? You. Just like it always has. Well I hope that you and your money will be very happy together. You're forgetting that I also own the house. The paltry money you pay me is barely grocery money for your children's food when they're here. I work for a non profit with no hope of a raise or moving up. Never again mention to me that you're doing the right thing. Because the right thing would have been to refrain from coercing your wife into sex acts she didn't want to do with drunk men. That is sexual abuse. The right thing would have been to let your wife show you love and sexual attention without requiring she act and talk like a whore. The right thing would have been going to bed with her at night instead of staying up all night looking at porn on the computer, making me feel unwanted and unloved. The right thing would have been showing your children how a woman should be treated instead of treating her like a second class citizen who didn't have a mind of her own or any personal freedom. The right thing would have been to refrain from spitting food onto your plate with disgust in front of your children after your wife worked eight hours then came home and cooked for you. That is emotional abuse. The right thing would have been to not criticize your wife for her weight, taste in clothes, her friends, how she folded laundry, how she loaded the dishwasher, the jokes she thought were funny, and what she wanted to eat just to list a few of the things that made me feel so very small and insignificant that I now have anxiety attacks when you send me a text or an email. The right thing would have been to ask me if I was ok instead of accusing me of acting when I was doubled over on the bed with excruciating pain from a gallbladder attack. The right thing would not have been so fucking drunk that you knocked your goddamned front tooth out falling on a chair, then when I needed to have a tooth I had to get a fucking bridge because it was too expensive for my mouth. I hope you're enjoying your expensive implant. The right thing would have been to treat me with tenderness and kindness instead of constantly trying to control and manipulate every micromanaged aspect of our life into what you thought it should be. The right way. The only way. The right thing would have been to show your son how to be a man without verbally abusing me for twenty years. So don't you dare, ever fucking talk to me about what the right thing is. Ever. Again. You'll get your godforsaken fucking money, and you'll also get what you deserve for every little thing you put out into the universe. And I'll get out from under this fucking albatross of a house you claim to have so generously allowed me to stay in when it's a fucking ball and chain prison you stick me with that connects me to you. Don't you ever threaten me again. Think about what your family would say if they knew all the things about you that I do. I only hope that you treat our daughter better than you treated me so she has the self respect to find someone who treats her better than you did me. Leave me the fuck alone to live my life in peace with people that know something about respect, kindness and love."

(remember I was tiddly)

As I said before, thank the tiny baby jesus vishnu and everyone else who might be listening to my karma that

I didn't send this email. And I never will. I would never say horrible things to his family. What an awful person I would be. (Just anonymously via the internet - hope it doesn't count against my karma.)

Note to self: Along with my monthly alert sent to myself via my iPeriod app that reminds me about when my period is coming that says, "Do not engage ex or listen to anxiety ridden thoughts.", I will add, "Do not drink and respond to any email or text or person until sober again."

Incidentally, as I mentioned in the title, Ex screwed up his W-2 and will owe again this year. But this year it's Not Mine.

Thanks for listening.

THE CHAT

 

 (except I'll be with the dogs)

I am formulating my thoughts about how I finally sat down and talked (listened to) Partner's Ex.

She needed for me to hear her and I did, with empathy and minimal suppressed sighs. She said a lot of negative things about Partner, which I expected, and told me she didn't mean to talk about him. She said she needed to tell me about the negativity in order to help me understand where she was coming from.

The thing is, I have experienced all the things she told me with my Ex. Every one.

It didn't sway my opinion of Partner in any way. I adore him and love him and have never experienced negativity with him. In three years. Pretty good, I think. I've been frustrated with him, sure. Normal stuff.

She was sad and kind, and told me it all had nothing to do with me; that she just needed space for a while. That I was always welcome in her home. She loved the way I am with her kids and that they love me. She was happy for us, but sometimes it's hard to watch.

I have empathy for her position, and she brought me to tears at one point when she alluded to the negative things some of her friends said about me. One of my triggers. I pulled myself together and tried to really focus on what she was saying.

The thing is, I love her children. I hope to be in their lives for the rest of mine. I have learned through experience that you don't poke the monster with a stick, even if the monster is making you feel defensive and scared. You listen and get the hell out of dodge.

Mission accomplished until the next time something comes up.

A very good friend mentioned that it sounds like I've been *she brushed her hands together as she told me* tying up a lot of loose ends and she made me realize that yes, I have. It feels nice, even though I now owe the IRS $2,500 because Ex fucked up his W-2. But that's the next post...

I'm Happy, Dammit

I choose to be happy and to give as much as I'm able. There are some who tease me for being an optimist in every situation, and I believe, look down on me because of it. I once joked to Partner's Ex about picking up my dog's poop while walking in the park: "It keeps your hands warm when it's cold!" (Through a poop bag. I have teenagers. Nothing grosses me out anymore.) My playa name is 'The Good Witch Lollipop'. (Given to me by Partner.) 

I'd like to thank my good friend (he knows who he is), for making me believe that my laugh is shiny and wonderful.

Being positive can be emotionally exhausting, particularly when someone doesn't really SEE me. Even when I feel I've tied a knot and am hanging on to the end...it keeps me from falling into a pit of despair. 

I hate that damned pit.

I have been struggling the last few days. In response to my difficulty, I have sent an email to Partner's Ex, trying to share my deep feelings with her to see if I can deepen our relationship as well as let her know that I feel hurt. It's past time that she really see me. I'm not sure what she thinks I've been doing the last 2.5 years (falling in love with her children and deeper into it with Partner, and coming to respect and like her...dare I say love?).

I left her a voicemail once in response to something she asked me a while back, because she didn't pick up. When I saw her next, she told me she didn't listen to the whole thing because it was too long. Insulting. Power play? Maybe. I feel she has ingrained behavior that she sees differently than I do. What I see as insulting may be just her way of living her life the best way she knows how. I try to take it all with a grain of salt and move on, not worrying about it.

This is what I wrote to her, edited to protect:

"At the 'Event' I was going to read a speech I had written, because I'm afraid of public speaking. I chickened out and went BLARGH instead. I would like you to read this, if you will, because I express myself better in writing, and when I get emotional I tend to fall apart.

I'm aware that when some people look at me they see a shy, fat, stupid blond, with big boobs and not much else, and the worst mistake people usually make is underestimating my intelligence, strength, and resilience. It's easy to write me off if you don't see me. I would prefer that people look past the outside to see the empathic, loving, liberal, good witch, earth mother that I am.

I want you to see me.

It is beyond humiliating for me to try to express deep feelings then burst into tears, or to have an anxiety attack trying to say what I feel I need to say out loud. I put on a mask of calm, aloof, control and then process later in private. It's self defense when I am in situations that make me uncomfortable. It's also amusing that sometimes it pisses people off when they're angry at me.

I did not walk into your life causally without being fully aware of what I was getting into, and I have done my damnedest to be the best part of it that I can be. I do not take the responsibility of being a part of it, in particular (her and Partner's) 'daughter' and 'son', lightly, and I do not take for granted the fact that my presence may be extremely difficult for you at times.

I think it's past time that you and I have some deeper conversation, and for me to let you know that I am afraid of and don't feel safe with you. I am not saying that you did anything to make me feel that way. My family visiting me over Xmas reminded me of why I react the way I do in certain situations and why I have typically picked partners and others in my life who abuse me. I am working to trust easily, but I fear it's a long road.

The Speech:

'I would like to give thanks. I wrote this because this is how I express myself well, and public speaking is terrifying.

This year has been one of the hardest of my life. It has also been one of the most wonderful. I am finally free of my 20 year abusive marriage and have forgiven myself for staying in it so long. I regained the space I needed to be myself and to live the way I want, without fear. I am shedding the pain and anxiety that ruled my life, and am able to be fully present with my kids, with Partner, and with his and Partner's Ex's kids. I’d like to start calling (Partner's Ex and Partner's) daughter and son my Second Kids, if that’s ok with them. Between us there are four children, two houses, three dogs, one rabbit, one guinea pig, and one rat. We are a big, commingling family. I am happier now than I have ever been.

I want to thank Partner's Ex for welcoming me into her life and her home, and trusting me with her children. If she hadn't, I wouldn't be able to spend as much time up here with the people I love. I appreciate her.

When I first popped up in Second Son's life he asked me to stop teasing him, so I backed off and gave him space. I want to thank him because when he duels me with light sabers then cuddles up with me, calling me ‘Second Mom’, my heart melts.

I gave Second Daughter space from the beginning, because she’s an altogether different soul. I want to thank Second Daughter for finally grabbing my arm and dragging me into her world, trusting me enough to tell me how to dress, and for sharing herself with me.

I want to thank Friend, Friend, Friend's Daughter, and Friend's Son (some of the most wonderful people I've ever met) for including me in their circle, because their friendship has helped me open my heart again and re-learn to trust. Spending time in this safe place and being able to meet you all has helped me change my life.

My Son isn’t here this year because he's even more introverted than I am. He feels more comfortable in small groups and with familiarity. I want to thank him for teaching me that our love for each other is not always enough to keep from making each other crazy, unless you mix it with patience, humor, honesty, and trust. He feels safe enough to fight with me, his physical comedy makes me belly laugh, and he trusts me enough to ask me questions that make his conservative father's hair stand on end. His home with me is his safe place. We have been through the ringer together, and for him and the life lessons he has taught me, I am grateful.

I want to thank Daughter for lighting up my life. She snuggles with me, acts goofy to make me laugh, and hugs me when I need to be soothed. She works hard to be patient with the attention her brother often needs, and I want her to understand that I hear her, and I am trying hard to make sure she knows I love and appreciate her. Seeing such sensitivity and wacky humor all rolled up into one bouncing young woman reminds me of the person I used to be - the person I have fought so hard this year to become again. She is my best girlfriend, she is braver and smarter than I ever was at her age, and I love her to the moon and back.

I can’t express how deeply I feel about Partner. I spent most of the first year of our relationship baffled. I have never been treated the way he treats me. He has shown me unconditional love and trust. He plays with me, cooks for me, does housework, works hard at whatever task is at hand, he hears me, and he is attentive to my needs. He even remembers what I say. He is a role model for kindness and friendship. I have never been loved this deeply before or felt so comfortable being myself. When I showed him the real me he responded in kind with more charm, affection, and selflessness than I have ever been given. He is my Amorous Compatible, and I love him from the depths of my heart. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

Thank you all for hearing me."

I know you're going through some tough feelings right now and that I have a part in that.

I want you to know that I hear you, and that I'm sorry you feel hurt.

I also want you to know that I am feeling hurt by the backlash of yours. (She reacted deeply, and with difficulty to Partner telling our room full of friends that I am the love of his life. Her response has been to make his life more difficult, and to request that I stay away from their home for 'a while', so she can recover from the apparent insult. He has gritted his teeth and apologized for hurting her feelings, pointing out that this is how he feels, to keep the peace.) I feel hurt and left out, much like I did in the beginning when my relationship with Partner was more secretive about who I was, and I'm scared because I used to worry a lot about you being able to keep me from seeing Partner and your kids. 

Now I see that happening.

I also know that how I feel will eventually blow over, and hopefully you will be able to process your hurt too, but I also know that you're more in control of the situation than I am, and I feel like I'm being punished. I don't feel I did anything wrong, nor do I feel Partner did anything wrong, and my anger and frustration about the situation makes me cry.

I feel my welcome extended by you has been revoked. I know that I have given you the power to make me feel this way, and that makes me more upset. I don't want to add to your stress. I just want to be able to see your children, who I have come to love deeply, and Partner when we are able to make it happen with all of our busy schedules.

I have tried hard to stay out of your way and to be unobtrusive, to help as much as I can when I'm at your house to earn my keep and help things go smoothly, when I am emotionally able to. I have been uncomfortable sometimes, but the love and support I felt made me think it was just me making up things to worry about. Our situation is unique, and I was proud of it; proud to be part of it until I felt shunned.

That being said, I am feeling extra sensitive right now and am usually able to be stoic and stay out of it until things blow over. When it directly affects the people that I love, including you, I can't stay out or silent for long.

My hope is that opening this communication line between us will help make sure that we are all emotionally taken care of, particularly our children, in the future.

We don't need to discuss this or ever talk about it at all if you prefer not to. But know that I may write another note in the future if I have more deep feelings I want to share with you.

I hope your work party tonight goes well (that I could not join because she would be 'uncomfortable' - this is where the real hurt started) and that you have a good time, and that you enjoy your time away this weekend.

With love and light,

Me"

The end result is that today I am going up to their house to spend the weekend because she's going to be gone. I don't know how this will play out, but I will say that I am busy making plans to get myself closer to them and not too far from Kid's schools so this won't be as much of an issue. Living closer has been a dream of mine since I met Partner, and it's time I take more control of my life and make it happen.

Ex and I have talked briefly and with agreement about wanting to sell the house I live in that we co-own. We are getting along well now and hopefully we can make this happen with a minimum of difficulty.

We'll see.

"Unmarried to each other"

I am reading a wonderful book called, "Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple", by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.

According to the cohabitation types in the book, Partner and I are a mix of the "Weekend Cohabitation" type (we spend weekends together, when it works out with our kid schedules, then go home to work), "Across Town Cohabitation" (we don't live together, but our relationship has the kind of personal meaning and commitment most people expect from partners who share a living space), and with "Mergers and Acquisitions Cohabitation" thrown in, in that between us we have four children, three dogs, two houses, three cars, one rabbit, one guinea pig, one rat, and two Exes. 

We hope to be able to figure out how to live together sometime in the future in a way that works for everyone...meaning how the hell am I going to sell my half of my house to Ex and move an hour away when my job is already 30 minutes the other direction, and Kids go to school 45 minutes in yet another direction? With 6 years of school left until they are both 18?

Poor Partner drives us everywhere when we're together because I spend the rest of my life driving for hours.

How can we possibly make this happen? Patience, love, hard work, and faith. And fantasies of spending every night cuddled up next to Partner, and every day spent continually in route somewhere or at work.

Sigh.

"On Labeling Women Crazy"

Someday, hopefully, I can be the cat.

A friend of mine posted this article, and it hit a nerve because I read it some time ago when I was going through a similar situation with Ex. I wrote about it here. The difference, I explained to my friend, was that, "he said he loved me, and he was occasionally but rarely there. After ten years I was done. It became my fault in the eyes of everyone, except the few I shared with, after all. It's a powerful article.", "Also, I should add, there was more going on and he never said he was leaving. He expected our lives to just continue that way indefinitely."

Sharing with her triggered me into coming here and reading some of my past posts. I mentioned to her that, "This article pretty much sums up why I'm divorced.", and sent her a link to this blog, which terrifies me. It always does when I "come out" to someone who knew me back then because this blog is the essence of my anger and pain when I was getting divorced. It doesn't matter how strongly I felt when I was writing in anger or tears, it's still terrifying to tell someone about it. It's raw, and it's there, and it's real. More ME than anything I ever said out loud, although now it's a past me, and I'm moving on in a healthy way.

I loved her, and I still do, though I haven't seen her in a very long time, and I worry how she will react to reading all this. As I've said before, the only thing I can control is how I feel and how I react.

 
This blog is creeping out into the world more and more as I reveal it to people I knew then, and Ex and I are tentatively moving toward friendship as time passes so I'd like him to never see this - though having it here, there is always a chance that he will. 

If he does, he does. 

I am able to see glimpses of the man I liked and cared for, and it makes it easier to make peace, forgive, and move on.

My Cinderella Complex

Painting by Lado Tevdoradze

Even though I grew up with The Cinderella Complex on my mother's bookshelf, I still thought marriage was the goal. The answer to being and feeling secure and loved. I have since learned that is not true. I'm still struggling a bit sometimes with that thought process, particularly when I'm feeling insecure, and am trying like hell to cut that cord and continue to reshape what relationships are to me. I like this article because it showed me yet another facet of why my marriage didn't work. (I put Ex and the kids first. Ex put himself first.) But it also reminded me that this works for any relationship that is important and means a lot to me. What I got out of it was this: I am sometimes afraid of not knowing what my future will look like. It's hard for me to feel out of control, though I know the only thing I have control of is how I feel and how I respond. I'm going to try to focus on changing the way I think about patriarchal "rules" and to realize that Partner wants me to be in his life for the rest of ours, no matter how it looks. We get to make our own rules.

Dear Asshole,

I wrote this today, while I was getting ready for work. It happened last Saturday at an event with friends where I normally feel very safe, due to the environment filled with burners. Just like anywhere else, there are assholes. Forevermore referred to as THE ASSHOLE, I have changed his name in the spirit of privacy.

"Hey THE ASSHOLE. Do you remember grabbing my ass while I was watching (my bf run his super fun game that folks love) at (event)? I do. I remember being shocked. I remember feeling violated. I remember thinking about it last night as I went to sleep because I wish I hadn't smiled at you when you did it. I remember wishing I'd punched you in the face, though I know I could never do that. Just like I can't say this to your face. Just like I couldn't not smile at you. Why I'm a victim. I'm going to try really hard to forgive you and I'll tell you why: Because you don't know that I am an abuse survivor. You don't know that I just finalized a painful divorce from my abuser. You don't know that I have two teen aged kids who I'm trying to co-parent with my abuser, and in particular a teenage daughter who I hope and wish and pray does not become a victim like me. You don't know that I work for a mental health recovery center with people who are also survivors of abuse and the results of it, among other painful mental health issues, to try to give back to all the people who have helped me in my recovery over the years. I'm going to try really hard to forgive you because somewhere in your brain you thought it was ok to put your hands on me, and I thought I'd help by letting you know that it is never, ever ok to touch anyone without consent. And that silence is not consent. I apologize for not being brave enough to say this to your face, but just typing it to you has helped me kick start the painful process of letting the abuse of my past go, again, along with the other painful memories I have. I wish you well in your recovery."

I froze when he touched me. One of my best friends, and a coworker, pointed out to me that freezing is "flight" in the fight or flight reaction.

When I was in 9th grade, a boy grabbed my ass in the hallway at school. I spun around and screamed at him at the top of my lungs.

What happened to me between there and here? Where is that strong, young girl who was able to react instantly to that violation? What the fuck?

I need to find her.

I'm afraid of what THE ASSHOLE's response is going to be. I'm afraid of what will happen in response. I'm making up stuff to worry about, I know. Probably nothing will happen but thank the tiny baby jesus I've gotten it off my chest.

The report? OH! That.

Well, I was overdrawn on my account because the child support check came a week late due to, apparently, the “system being down”. (Ex's HR dept takes it from his paycheck, sends it to the child support people, who then send a check to me, that I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to get to auto deposit in my new account at for a month.) So, lesson learned: Do not budget depending on that check. CHECK. (fuckers)

I have a GIANT credit card debt that I have transferred all of the money to, with the lowest interest rate. Let’s just say I’m at the limit. I haven’t had credit card debt in 20 years. I attribute it to one income, panicky charges early in my separation process thinking I would pay them off as I go, and charges where I HAD to use it because I was learning to budget again and needed gas or food, along with impulse buys. Aside from the fuckery with my child support check this last week, I’ve been doing pretty well. I don’t get my nails done anymore, don’t get my hair colored anymore, I don’t fill my pantry and fridge with food, I just buy as I need it. I don’t shop at malls or department stores anymore, or expensive grocery stores. I don’t use the organic veggie delivery anymore. Basically, I use my money for Netflix, pets, gas, food, and an occasional kid need or treat. Or an occasional treat for myself and Partner when I can, much cheaper than the treats I used to buy myself. And the tail end of my lawyer bill. Oh, and yesterday I lowered my family plan phone payment, and I'm cutting the cable (I don't watch it) in November when the contract is up.

It was hard to get to the point where I know I don’t need very much to be happy. Money ain’t making me happy. I’m looking to my family and Partner and our kids for happy, as well as burning man, and starting to crochet and sew again. Reading novels again. Watching the movies I want to see when I’m alone. Stopping everything I’m doing and looking at and sitting next to Kids, Partner and his Kids, and my friends, giving them my full attention when they’re with me. Spending time with the dogs cuddling (except this week because I’m hormonal and that’s the only time they irritate me. This may be why I engaged Ex in a discussion when I know better. I’ve put a note on my calendar for next month about my period, with the note: DO NOT ENGAGE EX.)

I may outsmart myself.

Also, I scheduled a week of appointments at work this week when the PA was out of town. They told me about it in May, in an email. Seriously, please don’t depend on me to do anything when I’m having a midlife crisis. Last May…never mind. You all know.

The battery powered fan I ordered for our bm (for future reference: bm means Burning Man, not poop) tent was delivered yesterday, then promptly stolen from the front desk area at work (more fuckers - explainable since I work in the mental health industry) before it got to me.

Also, Ex is a nincompoop as I’ve been getting calls from the kids saying they don’t have lunch at school, or they’re going to be kicked out by Friday if they don’t get their shot records to the nurse. I asked Ex if the school knows Son has a learning disability and did they put him in special education for his core classes. His response? “I have no idea.” Stuff I’ve been scrambling to take care of because I left everything school related up to him to organized for the first time in the children’s lives. And this year they are both in brand new schools. It’s made me feel angry and resentful, and melancholy about not being there to help them on the big first day of school Monday. When I tried to, gently and kindly, talk to Ex about being sensitive to Son and take care of things like I would try to do with Kids (I didn’t say it that way. That would be just asking for trouble.) he got offended and told me I never had a father figure so don’t accuse him of being a bad father, and that if we wanted to be friends I needed to back off because he’s a good dad and I should know that. I reminded him that Son has a learning disability and a mental health diagnosis and that we need to take care in how we talk to him and guide him, just as the counselors have told us since Son was 6. Ex accused me of “putting labels” on Son and that he, Ex, doesn’t do that. 

Blah-de-blah-de-blah. Same 'ole shite.

Ex got a son with special needs instead of the son that he wanted, and I think he’s still in denial. The same argument we’ve been having for 15 years. I know better than to argue with him, it kills me that I can’t protect them from him and really, I may not need to. I just hope he’s a better father now than he was when we were married.

Ex has been peppering me with texts, day and night, all week, with everything from how I should run my house to the better benefit of Kids this school year to where I should drop Son off when I take him to school next week because it’s the best option. He’s driving me up the fucking wall.

But mixed in have been lovely moments like the bat walk tour I went on with Partner, his Daughter, and Son, Monday night, and heart-melting moments when they told me they see me as their second mom. Also, seeing a girlfriend briefly last night when I went over to load my bm stuff into another friend's truck, and Kids calling me randomly last night at 10:30pm to ask me what my middle name was (apparently there was some debate) and making me laugh.

So it hasn’t been a total loss, just a mix. And I handled it all well, mixed with expletives, and occasional grumpy behavior. I am still happy. (Plus the check came yesterday just in time for my needed tank of gas, and my new checking account mobile deposits it instantly, unlike the old one - that rhymes with Bells Dargo - who holds it for 2 days. Fuckers.)

Hey, guess what? I talked with my doctor, and she agreed that it’s ok for me to not refill my Prozac, and that my dose was so low I don’t need to titrate down. My last pill will be taken next Tuesday night…

I leave for bm a week from Sunday. I think vacation with friends and the love of my life is a good idea right after stopping an antidepressant, so that works out well.

Thanks for reading.

I Wrote This A Year Ago Today, Getting Ready For Burning Man 2012

"Burning Man 2012- i plan to leave my family at home and go with my boyfriend and a bunch of good, poly friends…i’m going to be the purest form of ME…which i don’t get to be in my world, except when i’m with my brother alone, and that is a rare occasion :) In my codependent mind that sounds selfish…but for those who really know me, you’ll understand that at the fabulous, coming-out age of 43, I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone and take my life by the reins - make it more of what i need it to be. as the mom of a child with a learning disability, ADHD, depression, an inspiring dog whisperer and loving boy, the wife of a husband with ADHD and depression, who is the love of my life, and, interestingly, the mother of a brilliantly bright, goofy, beautiful little girl, from an alternative family, and working for a non-profit, very little of my world is solely about me. i take some time to take care of myself here and there, but not nearly enough. and i’ve never been on a trip like this: out into the unknown with a group of friends...just for a little while: not mother, not wife, not sister, not daughter, not alpha female (in my house, i have to be - it’s self defense… :) …just a lover who likes to laugh, who wants to explore her boundaries and her friends, and the heart and soul of her boyfriend…just for a week…i also think it would be a wonderful opportunity to work on some of my issues like: accepting gifts and shyness…my introversion…can you really be an introvert surrounded by all that wonderful self expression? i’m going to try like hell not to be :)"

That poor, sad, scared woman with her head in the sand. What a grand adventure she went on. And what an adventure she's had...

On Getting Married or The Wedding I Didn't Want or Labels or Whackadoo Tangent Post

(This is my assumed response from you, reading this whackadoo post.)

An acquaintance just announced on Facebook that she is engaged to be married, and has asked for advice. I am excited for her and gave her some, even though she pointed her request at the married ladies. Not thinking, I posted my advice before remembering that I'm newly divorced. 

Force of habit, I guess. 

My identity is still sorting itself out, apparently, even though I feel clear on who and where and what I am...or maybe I'm blurred, which is where I really prefer to be. Blurry feels comfortable. 

That way, I can be whatever I want.

The advice I gave her was this:

"Oh my goodness. First, congratulations! Next, I was anxious too. I had a lot of pressure as well, and caved and didn't really have the event I truly wanted (but that was the nature of my personality and relationships, and not yours). It's seen as a big deal by lots of people, but is your party. You can go to the courthouse or have eleventy-billion people. Your choice. My challenges were my intractable fiance and my pushy mil. I had twice as many people as I wanted and lots of details that I didn't want as well. I had a pushy bridesmaid too, who influenced my choices. If I had to do it all over, I'd have about 20 people. Close family and friends, an oak tree, a simple, matching ring, a red dress, and my guy. That's it. The bottom line is, make it what you want. If you want nothing, just sign the paper. If you want a big deal, make a big deal!", and then added, "Oop! Also, remember that it doesn't matter how it goes: If you end up married, it went well! (Also, I'm newly divorced but I still put my input here.)"

Which led me to thinking about how I used to feel more comfortable with labels and a slots to fit into:

Married, mother, poly, open marriage, codependent, needy, patient, daughter, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, sister in law, woman, wife, lover, highlighted blond, curvy, big boobed, borderline overweight, wrinkling, girly, self medicating, spacey, kind, helpful, doormat, cousin, stretch marks, high maintenance, conservatively-classically dressed, private, introverted, shy, chapstick obsessed, lazy...

I could keep going on but I just got bored of it.

The point is, I put all these labels on myself (with the help of society and Ex and the other unhelpful people in my life) and fit myself into them one way or another. 

And before I make my next point, let me say that I hate it when people get all lathered up about how labels ruin us and everything and society, though I use them on myself...

I met a woman who, when I asked if she was a vegetarian (we were eating together in a restaurant with some kids and friends), replied that she didn't like labels, that she ate what she was comfortable putting in her body, and then when she realized she had just drunk cold water, that she hadn't drunk cold water for years, then she wondered out loud what it would do to her body.

...

Holy crap.

I can only say here that I hope the look on my face in response didn't match my thoughts, which can be described in a typed action: 

*blink*     or 

O_o         or  

WTF??

Did I make my point? I'm laughing at myself and my tangents now. 

Labels have a place if you are comfortable with them. I've found recently that I'm not comfortable anymore in the labels I wrapped around myself like a shield. In my redefinition I have chosen some new labels for myself (paradoxically) and if I think about them they are:

Divorced, earth mother, in a relationship, open minded, non-judgemental, daughter, sister, woman, Partner, sensitive, patient, lover, blond going gray, beautiful, curvy, self accepting, mostly vegetarian, kind, helpful, cousin, niece, curly haired, natural, chapstick obsessed, burner, organic, re-purposing, recycling...and I got bored again of thinking of things to describe myself but I sound sort of like a hippy - which is where I have leaned my whole life but didn't feel comfortable in THAT label either.

Back to the Facebook response post I started with. I am sorting out my new life and my new identity, and am having a great time doing it, even though it sometimes feels scary as hell. I feel free and totally me for the first time, probably, in my entire life. I owe it to myself, my children, the lessons I've learned, turning 45 (which I did last weekend), and Partner and our blended family, without whom all of this would have happened very differently, but nonetheless it would have happened.

I am brave, I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am loved.

The real point is now I'm ME, goddammit.

Thank you Universe, for all of it.