A Note To Partner about Ex From March 2012

"Husband (at the time) said many, many interesting things to me last night. We had one of the best talks we've ever had, in our entire marriage. He acknowledged that most of what's wrong between us is him. He went out and picked up a higher dosage of medication, and he told me that when he says NO, usually it means that he's distracted or that this is only his initial reaction without thinking, and that I should talk to him about it later. I told him that where I came from, No meant no. Silly me. He also said that even if he does say no, I should feel free to go ahead and do what I want anyway, if it's important to me. This sounds an awful lot like permission, but really it's his way of saying that I shouldn't let him tell me no, I can't go do something, and if he does, I don't have to listen. I know this, as an adult. I know I can do what I want. But marital strife is not my best thing. It's important for me for him to be ok with what I do, but I just am really frustrated with what he doesn't appear to be ok with. He is working hard on himself right now, and I can see the results. More and more every day."

Remember, at the time, we were practicing Polyamory by Partner's request.

We had many, many of these talks over the years but this is the first one where he acknowledged that the issues in our marriage might not be just me. (It takes two to tango...)

He promptly forgot this conversation, and stopped taking the meds after a time.

Also, me ignoring his NO and doing what I want usually resulted in a silent treatment situation like this, which was always horrible for me, so I stopped trying.

Anyway, just thinking about the past today and how fortunate I am to be so happy and free now.

I'm Not Poly

 One more post today:

Partner and I had a wonderful weekend, and had some quiet time to talk. I think I brought the subject up because I wanted to talk to him about how I felt.

I told Partner that I don't think I was ever, truly, poly. (I wrote about it here and here.) I shared with him that I thought I agreed with Ex to open our marriage and try Polyamory because I was searching for something I wasn't receiving in my marriage.

I was trying to fill the holes in my heart.

It's funny; often when I bring up things to share with Partner, he ends up telling me something that means the world to me. It's like a reward for sharing my thoughts with him.

He told me that he felt exactly the same way. That he doesn't think there would ever be that much room in his heart for someone else, because he loves me so much.

He said exactly what I felt. Then I melted.


I am over the moon in love with this man, and he reminds me why every day with his words and his actions.


To top it off, last night Partner came over after dinner and Kids and I were decompressing after eating together. He and I started playing a game together, sitting on the couch...then Daughter drifted into the room when her homework was finished, and snuggled next to me, then Son came out of his cave to hang out with us too, and ended up snuggling with us on the couch as well. Dogs were up in there too, with Bunny hopping around our feet happily. I looked over at Partner and he was sleepy and happy as I rubbed his feet in between turns in the game, Daughter kissing my cheek, Son showing us the game he was playing on his phone, and Bunny teasing and playing with ADHD Dog when he ventured down off the couch.

I have never been happier, and am succeeding in being present in the moment whenever I can.

What a blessing.

Thank you.

I Wrote This A Year Ago Today, Getting Ready For Burning Man 2012

"Burning Man 2012- i plan to leave my family at home and go with my boyfriend and a bunch of good, poly friends…i’m going to be the purest form of ME…which i don’t get to be in my world, except when i’m with my brother alone, and that is a rare occasion :) In my codependent mind that sounds selfish…but for those who really know me, you’ll understand that at the fabulous, coming-out age of 43, I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone and take my life by the reins - make it more of what i need it to be. as the mom of a child with a learning disability, ADHD, depression, an inspiring dog whisperer and loving boy, the wife of a husband with ADHD and depression, who is the love of my life, and, interestingly, the mother of a brilliantly bright, goofy, beautiful little girl, from an alternative family, and working for a non-profit, very little of my world is solely about me. i take some time to take care of myself here and there, but not nearly enough. and i’ve never been on a trip like this: out into the unknown with a group of friends...just for a little while: not mother, not wife, not sister, not daughter, not alpha female (in my house, i have to be - it’s self defense… :) …just a lover who likes to laugh, who wants to explore her boundaries and her friends, and the heart and soul of her boyfriend…just for a week…i also think it would be a wonderful opportunity to work on some of my issues like: accepting gifts and shyness…my introversion…can you really be an introvert surrounded by all that wonderful self expression? i’m going to try like hell not to be :)"

That poor, sad, scared woman with her head in the sand. What a grand adventure she went on. And what an adventure she's had...

Shunned

Ex pointed out polyamory to me and said, "Let's try it."

(Please note that I am an introvert and that there is a mythbusting list about introverts along the sidebar of my blog for your perusal, if you are interested.)

I couldn't do it yet. It was too foreign to the way I'd learned to love, though I grew up with a very open minded "alternative" family, I essentially didn't trust people (particularly men, for obvious reasons), and I just wasn't comfortable with the idea. I read the copy of, "The Ethical Slut", he gave me and we talked. (Incidentally, I recommend this book to anyone who is considering any "alternative" relationship. It's a great book. Very freeing.) And talked. And talked. And worked out the (his) agreements (rules) that would make it work for us (him). After we figured is all out in a way that would work for both of us (I could put 'him' every single time I say 'us', but I think you get my point.), I started to realize that I wasn't living the way I wanted to live. I wasn't being treated the way I wanted to be treated, and the rules weren't working for me anymore. 

Again, he shot himself in the foot.

I could only talk to him about adjusting the agreements (Really they should ebb and flow to suit a couple's feelings and needs as you go along.) to a certain extent, and then he drew a line in the sand at the beginning of last summer. Problem was I had already been seeing my boyfriend, now partner, for a year. There was no way in blue hell I was going to give up that man. No fucking way. He is the best man that has EVER walked into my life, treats me better than I treat myself, and I intend to spend the rest of mine with him. At that time I had a yet unvoiced feeling that this was to be true and I was not going to give in on this point. Not for ex who had finally made his huge mistake. He coerced me into an open marriage lifestyle and inadvertently showed me a world of kindness, tenderness, caring, respect, and love that I didn't have with him. That I had never really had with any man. Even in the beginning when he was wooing me.

So. Back to the line in the sand he drew: I screamed at him during a huge argument we had outside on the side of the house where the kids couldn't hear us. I had snapped and was at the breaking point. He kept trying to walk away from me, and he kept looking over the fence to see if strangers were in the park next to our house listening to us. He was always more concerned about what people think than the people he was supposed to love. I told him I'd give us the summer to come up with a solution that would work for both of us.

Never, at any point, did he consider changing one behavior/rule, nor did he open up to discussing anything with me that wavered beyond the line he drew. My reaction told him that he was losing control of me. He was fighting hard to let me know that I was being irrational, that I should calm down, and see that he was right if I would only LISTEN just like I always had.

I wonder now if I usually gave in because I couldn't win. He was accustomed to talking me around in circles, into the ground until I relented. There was only so much criticism and negativity I could take before I started to believe that it's ME that was the problem.

In fact, he'd completely 'forgotten' that he'd drawn that line in the sand or that I'd given him that ultimatum when the end of summer rolled around.

I filed for divorce the second week of September.

The following post was written in my private blog to ex one year ago spring. I never showed him my private posts, but I did my best to tell him how I felt on those rare occasions when he consented to grant me an audience, and this was also the gist of our argument that spring day:

"You don't trust me to do what's right for the family. I feel like you're the family police and that I'm a bad person you have to protect the kids from.

I'm upset because you say what I/we are doing is wrong and I don't agree. It's a lifestyle choice and I finally feel like I've found my niche. Loving people makes me so much happier than I ever was. I wish you felt the same.

I feel angry because I have to ask permission, and you have to be in the perfect frame of mind for me to ask. And yes, it is permission. Because if I don't talk to you about it, it's not the poly life I want to lead. I want to be able to say, 'name' has a group of poly friends who get together on Wed nights for drinks and I want you to say, oh cool! Go have fun! Or, let's go!

I feel sad because I'm trapped by your moods and whims. If it's your idea you want it and if it's my idea YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I want to be able to turn to you at any moment and show you how I feel and tell you what I'm thinking. I want to tell you how I feel without you shutting me down.

I feel anxious because I want to break free and do whatever I want whenever I want.

I feel upset because I want to see the marriage counselor again and talk to him about our open marriage. I want to go to a weekend workshop and learn how to talk to each other again.

(Incidently, the marriage counselor heard Ex out during the last session we ended up having with him, then turned to me and said, "It sounds like you have some choices to make." That phrase rocked me back on my heels. For the first time I realized that I DID have a choice, and that's what started me seriously thinking about leaving Ex again, and making it stick. The irony that this did not occur to me until a man put the idea into my head has not escaped me, but he was a neutral party and was supporting me.)

I want you to hear me. I want you to listen to me. I want to you accept me for what I am, support me, accept that this is how I want to live, and I want you to be a part of it. I want you to be my willing primary partner. I want to feel like a grown up with valid feelings, needs and wants, and to have you support me and be ok with it.

I want you to figure out why you think it's dirty and wrong, and why you keep wanting to do it then feel like you're drowning in shame immediately after you come, so we can work on turning that around. 

(Do you have any idea how upsetting it is to watch the man you have been married to for 21 years lay next to you immersed in shame for the act you just shared together? To know that what you just did to please him, because he wanted it and you wanted to make him happy, torments him about how wrong and dirty it was? He refused to look at it, to discover why he felt that way, or to do anything but put it on me. If I stopped what I was 'doing' then he would be free of this guilt and shame I was making him feel...until he was horny again, then the whole cycle would start over again as if it never happened. He would stay up all night, every night, looking at porn and talking to people online in chat rooms about his kink, then come to me looking for release. I always went to bed alone. I felt like a whore, and a doormat, because I was doing everything I could stomach to please him.)

I'm excited about how relaxed and open and wonderful our life could be if we work all these things out.

I want you to accept your sexuality and mine."

Turns out he opened our marriage so he could get off: Me with other men.

I'm delving into my head to figure out if I really am comfortable being polyamorous, or if ex's sexual abuse/coercion and my needs not being met are what drove me there. 

I'm thinking that I'm just going to stop trying to put a label on what I am and how I feel, and just try to be happy and healthy.

Elitist...*EDIT*

Previous, private post:

Today is the meeting with ex and my lawyer so they can hammer out the money. (I'm writing this as I sit at my desk trying to deep breathe my anxiety away, in preparation for leaving for the appointment.) As near as I can tell my only function at this meeting is for me to nod YES to agree with what they come up with so he'll sign the stupidy papers. I know my lawyer will do right by me and I am beyond irritated that I'm using my stipend because he's arguing with her.

My goal is not to let him hug me and to do something nice for myself afterward.

I'll update after the appointment.

Update:

It turned out to be not as bad as I thought it would be, at first. It also turns out we had more things to hammer out: the child support and the spousal support request, the logistics of my staying in the house until I don't want to, Daughter graduates from high school, or when he can buy me out (so I am totally out of his possible control), and splitting up the money floating around here and there.

The thing that bothered me the most was that he was all up in my grill sitting next to me in my lawyer's little office and I was practically leaning out of the other side of the chair. His hand was resting on the left armrest of my seat. He leaned so far over toward me that the files and papers he periodically held up in his right hand almost hit me - I had to dodge them. He knows damned well I have personal space issues. My anxiety at being so close to him exhausted me. Why was he in my space? Was he always like that and I didn't mind before? Why didn't I say anything? I was too busy trying not to bolt from the anxiety attack I was fighting to keep under control. It was hard to concentrate because I was focused on why the hell he thought it was ok to be that close to me and whether I was going to get beaned with a giant folder of papers. And the questions he was asking set my teeth on edge. They were all money related. A lot of his money questions were "to make sure my numbers were being reported accurately" meaning that ultimately I would benefit. Jackass. Where I come from discussing money is impolite and it's still hard for me to get past that. Especially since we never had any growing up, and I know this is all related to his control issues and had nothing to do with my welfare whatsoever. It was a $10 difference, maximum.

FYI, we had it out a few weeks ago via text (It took me two weeks to deal with that event, process, and move on. Is it my fault? I engaged him. That was a mistake. I know better.) and he admitted to me that he's not signing anything else because he wants a signed paper from my lawyer to give to the court that is an apology from her admitting that she was wrong and he was right. He's out of his mind.

Why am I reduced to a quivering mass of emotion, anxiety, and adrenaline when he's in my vicinity? It's extremely annoying to me.

I hate. HATE being a victim. Being vulnerable. When people can see me being vulnerable is the worst. I have wonderful friends that have been offering to swap abuse stories and support each other, and the idea of falling apart in public sounds horrifying. I'm working on that too. Thank goodness for my partner who is my rock when I need one...I can fall apart with him when I need to.

I think I react that way to ex because I'm afraid I will fall into my old patterns. My doormat tendencies. How can I be a strong, reliable, in charge, self confident person EXCEPT when I'm dealing with him? Is divorce the only way I can escape how I felt when he was around all the time, and make my life into something I can enjoy and be happy about again? Yes.

My lawyer told us she wished all of her divorce clients could be like us. It makes it so much easier. (For he and her.) Then ex told the story of our last day in court. (When my lawyer didn't show up. I blogged about it yesterday.) The bailiff was handing us our paperwork with the continuance date and he called ex's name, then called my name, looking all over the room except at me. Finally I waved my arms in the air and he blinked, having totally overlooked me, surprised that we were sitting right next to each other. (I'd prefer to have a seat between us because of my personal space issues with ex, but that's like playing the Personal Space game with him, which I also blogged about yesterday.)

I realize that I am extremely blessed. I know there are people who have struggled for years with battle after legal battle to finalize a divorce, many with men much more narcissistic than ex. Also, ex never physically abused me which is part of the reason why I never realized I was being abused. There have been studies that show that psychological abuse can be much more damaging than physical, and I'm not invalidating anyone who's been physically abused, by any means. I wouldn't ever wish that on anyone. It's horrifying. That still doesn't stop me from being aware that my struggle is valid and meaningful to me. See how I'm getting better already? I'm invalidating myself less and less.

After all this, he had some things he wanted to give me that he had in a paper bag in his car. One thing was socks that belong to Daughter. (He wants separate clothing at his house for she and Son. The clothes that are at my house aren't up to his standards and he sends "mine" back, expecting me to do the same with "his". I haven't. I let my children wear what they want as long as it's appropriate for school and the weather. When I told him that he and the kids were going to be in charge of what clothes went where, because I wasn't going to do it, he acknowledged that it's very controlling behavior. He still returns "my" clothing. Also in his paper bag was a recall notice for my car (Annoying that it went to his address - I've since changed that.), and school brochures. Daughter tested as a high achiever and he wants her switched to a school in the district where he lives. Ex doesn't feel our district is good enough for them.

He makes every. Little. Thing. Harder. Than. It. Needs. To. Be. EVERYTHING.

He brought me to tears when he started the school conversation. The commute time for me will be doubled, the kids will lose their friends, and Son's delicate self confidence and comfort level will be devastated as he tries to find his way in a totally foreign special education environment. Ex's argument? The schools in his district have a score of 9, which is really high compared to the 3 that my district has. Why? ( I taught elementary school and know some stuff.) Partly because of the diversity and income level of the school district. Schools with high numbers of ESL (English as a Second Language) students typically have lower test scores because they don't print the tests in other languages or have the resources to give ESL kids the modifications they need to take the test well. (As least to my knowledge, in the school districts where I worked.) The district where he lives has a large population of affluent people who are more able to find tutors, time to volunteer toward and boost their kid's educations. When I pointed this out to ex he said that the big bonus would be that they wouldn't be going to school with THAT population of kids that are bringing the test scores down. I was furious. Conversation over. Of all the elitist...*EDITED FOR THE DELICATE*...

He also asked me to have the kids write letters to Santa because he didn't get around to it and hadn't finished his Xmas shopping, though we agreed that the person who had them for that holiday (him last year) would take care of the whole Santa deal. Mom to the rescue again. He made this harder too. I could have said no, but that's not the ex wife I wanted to be at the time. I have since become stronger.

When I was driving away he called me. I don't take his calls in the car anymore unless I think he's running late to pick up the kids and I need to race to one of the schools. When I listened to the message he left me I was as outraged as I was the first time, second time, and third time he had brought up this subject with me: He reminded me that he wants me to tell my lawyer that in the divorce papers, he wants something that says that while I am living in the house we co-own, I agree to never let anyone move in with me. My lawyer said I don't have to agree to anything like that. It's not legal unless I write it down and sign it. Ex knows I am with my partner, and ex was bouncing back and forth between telling me he wants me to be happy and directing requests at me to reveal personal information to him about what we're doing and when we see each other, for which I've gotten good at giving him the Heisman. Now he doesn't mention my partner, ever. He has ceased to exit in ex's mind so therefore is not a cause of stress. He can pretend away now.

With all this aftermath, every kind of thought I had about him that afternoon flew out the window. I deleted the message, and went on to do something nice for myself on the way to pick up Daughter.

Also? I didn't let him hug me.

"I've forgotten..."

I started a private blog a while back and wrote until I 'wasn't allowed' to blog anymore. My ex didn't like it, and being the doormat I was I stopped. I was so tied into pleasing him. I feel sorry for the me that was and pained that I let anyone treat me that way.

It was titled, "I've forgotten...", and I wrote it in January 2011.

"...what it's like to be adored. Truly, truly adored. I think I'm going through withdrawal from last night. It's really hard to be treated like a princess only to come home to moodiness and rejection. What can I do? I'm thinking a therapist who specializes in open marriages would be key. I'd like that. I want (ex) to get over his fucking THIS IS WRONG moods and relax. Maybe with time? He is better than he used to be. And I'm learning when and where not to talk to him. He told me he wanted to tell me something about what he likes. I'm curious to hear what it is because maybe then I'll have more self confidence about what I want to do. And more guidelines on doing what I want when I want within (ex's) comfort level. I'll ask him to tell me tonight. I feel better already. :) "

Note: After Ex brought up opening our marriage we started the discussions. Mostly to talk me into it. After I agreed to open up our marriage, every poly date I went out on was discussed with ex and agreed upon beforehand. Negotiated to death until he was satisfied with our open relationship 'rules', and to be honest what he could get out of me in payment for 'letting' me go. Thus my frustration and confusion about being 'punished' emotionally every time I came home from one. He would shun me. Not talk to me for days sometimes...just shoot me filthy looks like I was a child or a dog. The payment would usually be for me to tell him full sexual details (if there were any) about what I had let someone 'do to me', blow by blow, while ex was having sex with me. His kink was for me to have sex with other men. It shamed me (and oddly enough, shamed him into begging ME for forgiveness, over and over again...almost immediately after he came) making me feel like a whore...a discussion we had much later which caused him to shun me again, for a longer period this time, and was the straw that broke the camel's back that kick started the anxiety attacks I had when I really started to consider leaving him again. I tried to leave him five years beforehand, and he scared me into staying. Another post for another day.

What bothers me most about this post I wrote (I'm wiping away tears as I write about how pitifully I begged for any little scrap of positive attention he was willing to throw at me) was that I was clearly trying to figure out how I could change myself to make everything better. I don't remember what the outcome of that night was, or even if we talked or not. All I know is that poor, scared woman wanted so badly to be unconditionally loved and adored that she bent over backwards for the man was supposed to be her 'knight in shining armor', but was really her biggest life challenge to date. An abuser.

Once again the fairytale proves to be elusive.

Coming Out

I came out to my mother a few months ago when I was visiting her. The first visit to my family since I started divorce proceedings as well. She knew something was up because my boyfriend's, now partner's, name has been popping up on Facebook for the last two years, albeit innocently, because I had in laws and my ex-husband to think about at the time, as well as my son.

My ex-husband asked me not to tell anyone anything about my being poly because essentially he was ashamed of me, and himself. He was trying valiantly (he said) to 'understand' me and how I view and feel about love. In fact, he was the one who gave me my copy of The Ethical Slut before I even knew what poly was.

It was painful for me to spend time with my mom, my brother, and his partner, as well as my children, friends, and a few coworkers, and not tell them about the person who had come to hold such a dear and important place in my heart. It was exhausting to hide texts, behaviors, emails, and to edit my thoughts and speech. I was experiencing anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I told myself I was doing the best thing for my family, when as it turns out, I was doing the best thing for my ex-husband. I was silent, because my ex was my primary and I tried to respect his wishes.

I slipped last summer on family vacation, not able to keep it from my brother any longer. His response? "Me too!". He floored me.

My ex was furious. His reaction to my honesty, among other behaviors when I pulled my head out of the sand, started a chain reaction of clarity and introspection in me that made me want to make some major changes in my life. Why was I living this way? Why am I sharing my life with someone who is ashamed of me and who cannot or will not support and accept me? Who asks me to hide myself from everyone so he won't be embarrassed? Who told me that it was best for everyone, including my children, and convinced me to be ashamed of myself?

My mother surprised me when I told her. Her reaction? Anger. She wasn't surprised that I had found someone so wonderful to love or that I was poly. In fact, she was excited about meeting him. She was pissed. Is pissed. She's furious that my ex kept me from telling her. Kept me from talking to her, from sharing myself with her as I always had.

I try not to mourn the 21 years I spent being emotionally abused (There is much, much more than I have said here, but that's for another post.) by someone I chose because regardless of how hard I am trying to forgive myself now, I have two beautiful children who are the most important people in my life, a partner who reminds me every day how important I am to him, a comfortable home, wonderful friends, coworkers I love, and the self confidence to share my life with supportive, loving, healthy minded people who respect me, and themselves.

For this, I am grateful.