The Song of Myself

(when I happen to see my changing body in the mirror...or just walk into a different room)

MY WASHER WORKS! Don't know what happened the other day. Maybe it was angry. I wouldn't drain or go behond the agitation cycle. (See? Angry!)

The places on my body that had more weight for the last few years seem to be rather elephant-skin like now.

Hmm. Fat not poofing the skin out as much. Hopefully I won't look like a wrinkly crone before my time.

I'm freeing up the notion of natural beauty I've been working on for some time now. I'm looking at my un-makeupped face differently. I come from a long line of southern women who wouldn't dare leave the house without full makeup, hair, well dressed with a girdle. My mother rebelled and I have followed her, but some things have lingered, like:

My eyes not having mascara or liner looks odd to me. I didn't wear much more makeup than that but I'm looking beyond what I perceive as too pale and short eyelashes, and red toned skin/eyelids.

I'm looking at the color of my eyes and the shape of my brows.

The curve of my cheekbones starting to peek out on my face again and my genetically beautiful skin. I thank my grandmother and my mother for that one. Pretty good for a girl whose skin looked awful as a teenager.

I'm looking at the perky ski slope of my nose.

I'm looking at my legs and starting to see again in my calves the reason I was dubbed "Legs" (during the ZZ Top era) in high school.

I'm looking at the stretch marks on my belly and upper thighs and remembering how happy (and terrified) I was to be pregnant.

I'm looking at my smaller breasts and seeing their full, soft, roundness, as opposed to the backbreaking and ponderous FUN BAGS Ex used to call them. Ex always insisted on calling them The Boys to irritate me, along with a lot of other disrespectful names and comments about my body that caused me to hide it. I stopped wearing shorts or tank tops for years before we divorced. I wore control top pantyhose and girdles and heavy bras to reshape myself into the body he wanted me to have. I would never have left the house bra less or worn a bikini. I wore a lot of uncomfortable clothing to please him, and wore makeup to feel pretty. Dressed the way he thought was sexy.

If you could see me now you'd see that I dress comfortably/eclectically...sort of like a boho-hippie with my own twist, in natural fabrics.

Lots of feelings and new thoughts in my head about my changing body and outlook, and seeing myself through Partner's eyes has never helped me feel more lovely and self confident, even ten lbs ago.

I see the curve of my hip, and my waist reappearing.

I see my hair getting longer the way I've always wanted it.

I feel free and supported to look and feel how I want to look and feel. And the self confidence I used to feel is creeping back as I stop feeding my negative emotions with starch and fat and sugar.

For all Partner's support and encouragement, I adore him more. I sent him this note and he remarked that it was sweet. "The song of yourself."

Thank you for accepting my heart and my body and my mind for what they are even when I didn't.

I am finally becoming me.

His Meds, My Meds, Everywhere a Med-Med

I am pooped! I've been busy.

Son’s latest psych appt went well. We upped the dose of his ADHD med for school. It’s been long overdue because Ex forgot to talk to his psych about it when Son was there last time telling her he was seeing things and hearing things.

Sigh.

She also prescribed generic Tenex, which is supposed to help him manage his rage. It’s supposed to give him some space to think about what he does before he slams the fridge, or throws a remote, throws his sister on the floor, or shoves me out of the way when I put myself between them. (It doesn’t happen often, but it happens.) Tenex is supposed to work well with ADHD reactivity/impulsivity and doesn’t require blood work regularly. He objected to that, which I’m glad. This is supposed to be the safest option for helping manage himself. And we’ll start it after he comes back from his spring break trip with Ex and his family (they’re going Saturday) because then I can be in charge of the titration up and it may make him groggy the first two days. I don’t want him reacting to a new medication out of my sight while he’s traveling with Ex…plus I’m torn about it.

I am torn about this because I’ve found in the past that I’m torn when he needs it but I don’t want to accept that he does…I don’t want him to have to need it. I did the same thing when he started taking his depression med, and when he started taking his ADHD med. Is it sibling rivalry or is it impulse control? Both?

Poor Son started to tip over at the psych appt yesterday: shutting down, laying down on the couch. I asked the psych to slow down (she was talking a mile a minute) and I would turn to interpret to Son what she was saying because I could tell it was too much, too fast, and he couldn’t follow what she was saying. I told him I wasn’t going to tell him he had to take anything, but that he could choose. He chose the med that didn’t require blood work and said he would try it.

I was reminded yesterday that kids with ADHD tend to lag behind about three years in brain development…so essentially Son and Daughter are in the same place. He’s a little kid with issues in a big body and jeebus, will there ever be a time when I don’t have to worry and fight and cajole and discuss? We have a meeting at school for the school to tell us what our options are since they were not able to uphold the IEP and the school was TOO HARD FOR HIM! 

Remember when I was reluctant to move him? Another great idea from Ex.

And med check for me, yes…my doc, after she gave me an online test asking if I was sleeping or had suicidal thoughts – yes and no – that doesn’t freaking mean I don’t need help - told me I didn’t qualify for more help. Which in Kaiser Speak means they save the few spots they have for people who seem to be needier. I sent her back an email talking about the emotional abuse and anxiety and Son and Partner and his Kids (good stuff that I want to talk about) and Daughter and my diet and blah. My doc asked the therapist I didn’t like (the one I stopped going to see – she wasn’t listening to me…she was planning things for me) call me and tell me I should contact WEAVE because they do individual and group counseling regarding emotional abuse (and that’s why Kaiser doesn’t – I call bullshit) and to confirm the transfer to another counselor for one on one, I think, and that there is a emotion regulation group I might be able to go to at Kaiser. So I may go to a walk in “triage” at WEAVE and tell them about my situation and see what they recommend after I find out what Kaiser is going to do.

I don’t want to sit in a group of physically abused women because it triggers me into thoughts of “they need help more than I do and I’m ok so I don’t need to be here”. And it's brutal, but if I'm going to sob in front of strangers, I want to sob to work through my own crap instead of at other people's stories. I can't even watch movies or tv about it without falling apart.

I AM ok, I just want to talk an impartial party who will hear about my struggles with Son and the aftermath of the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered, why the hell I jump out of my skin every time I hear a loud noise, and our blended family wonderfulness and the complications and everything.

*deep breath*

I actually woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long, long time. More in control and feeling happy. Part of it is that Partner is coming over tonight. The other part of it is that Son has been really great lately. I mean he’s Son and still tells me he’s not emptying the dishwasher when I ask and when I get him to, he bangs his elbow then yells FUCK IT and crawls back into his cave, with the dishwasher still full…but he has been hearing me when I ask him not to do something or when I talk to him. He’s been good with Daughter too, though the sibling stuff still happens.

So much work. How on earth can my PCP tell me I don’t get to receive services? After my email rant I got the phone call…

Anyway…my brain is all fuddled and part of it is that another thing that’s happened to me lately is I’ve started to care more about things, like my job. I was seriously lagging at work, getting things done slowly, putting out fires I could have avoided. Part of the depression where you just don’t care that much about some things. I would spend my time daydreaming about another job when I wasn’t doing the one I have well. I’m stepping back up again and working harder, sleeping more, eating better, and doing little things for myself life a monthly massage and coloring my hair, eating sushi with Partner.

They stretch the budget but they reward me and make me feel happy.

Phew. I never really know what I’m going to say until I start typing and it all falls out all over the place. Thanks for listening.

Or...

...life throws a curveball and tells me to wait, be patient, see what happens next. 

And so I am waiting, happily in the moment, trying to focus on now and family and love. 

It's Time To Make A Huge Change

I need to move. I need to get off my ass and stop avoiding selling this house with Ex. I need to stop fearing the pain in the ass of dealing with him (again) and get together to put the house on the market.

I want to be with Partner all the time.

I'm scared because it's a big change, and so many things can go wrong or change in a short period of time.

I will also probably need to leave the job I love because where I want to live is too far to commute for a sane person.

Let me clarify:

Every friend I have in this area where I live works in my office. If I move, I won't see them every workday anymore. I love the feeling I get of having helped people we serve at the end of the day. My job is hard (emotionally) but easy to do. (I can do admin work with my eyes closed.) I could do without the constant battle of dealing with emotionally distraught people when I am just trying to get out of bed in the morning to deal with my own, albeit mostly happy, life. I could do with working in a different field. I've been told (*eyes Partner*) that I don't make very much money, but it's more money than I've ever made and I can pay my bills. I have benefits and a 401K.

AND:

I have no future or the hope of any kind of cost of living increase or promotion. There's no money in working for a nonprofit and nowhere to go UP. (Not that I want to. I'm happy working for someone I like.) It takes me 30-45 minutes to get to and from this job that is only 15-20 mins from my house. I am constantly at risk of someone going berserk, and something stressful or potentially dangerous happening (though the odds are low), or someone triggering me and making me cry.

It happens

The point is, it's time to move on. To start the new life I want, and that means a new house where Partner Kids, and Karma Kids and I can be together, and a new job.

I'll still need to drive a ways to get the kids to school, but I have to do what I have to do. I will figure out how to make it work.

I know that if I can leave an abusive marriage and coparent with my abuser, I'm brave enough to sell a house with him and change my job. It will be one less thing that connects me to him.

Ack. Scary!

Jesus...whew. *deep breath*

Let's do this.

I Can Do It

 
I joined Medifast to lose weight. I've been reading about it, and I'm going to try it for 4 weeks and see what happens. They provide the food, and you exercise and don't eat extra stuff. I'll start in 3-7 days when it's delivered then I'll try to maintain it on my own once I lose weight.

My doctor told me I needed to get down to 165 about three years ago. I weigh more now. So I want to lose 19. Then none of my clothes will fit, but that's what thrift stores are for!

Since I've been thinking about it so long, I guess it's probably not impulsive. I need to get my head out of the sand before I develop diabetes. I'm high risk, as you know.

I need more energy to keep up with all these kids I love so much, and my active Partner. :)

Wish me luck.

I can do it, I can do it, I can do it...

Future Me A Year Ago

Have you ever heard of Future Me? I've been writing to myself for a few years now and it opens my eyes every time to see how far I've come in just a year. This is mine from March 2013 (I've edited some of it for privacy - Also, apparently, I was having trouble with capitals and tenses.):

"Dear FutureMe,

I am in the final stages of divorce and I am so proud of myself for going through with one of the best choices I ever made. Despite Ex's anger and your anxiety attacks, you stood up for yourself and your kids and made a choice to improve our life and be healthier, mentally and emotionally. Partner and I are planning our future of forever together, and he just told his sister about me. The kids are doing well and Son sprained his ankle, and comes to you for questions and sharing because he feels safe. Daughter is struggling with stupid busywork state homework and rebelling a little bit. both kids will go to a new district and you want to move so, so badly to where Partner lives. Partner is out to his community and friends about you, and is the best man I've ever met in my life. you volunteered to hug at Burnal Equinox 2013 and getting involved changed your whole experience.

i love you. you are brave and magical things are coming to fruition for you. keep visualizing. :)

Love, 
Me"

Want to send yourself an email you'll see one year from now? Go to Future Me and sign up. I'm heading there now to write a letter for myself for next spring...

A Note To Partner about Ex From March 2012

"Husband (at the time) said many, many interesting things to me last night. We had one of the best talks we've ever had, in our entire marriage. He acknowledged that most of what's wrong between us is him. He went out and picked up a higher dosage of medication, and he told me that when he says NO, usually it means that he's distracted or that this is only his initial reaction without thinking, and that I should talk to him about it later. I told him that where I came from, No meant no. Silly me. He also said that even if he does say no, I should feel free to go ahead and do what I want anyway, if it's important to me. This sounds an awful lot like permission, but really it's his way of saying that I shouldn't let him tell me no, I can't go do something, and if he does, I don't have to listen. I know this, as an adult. I know I can do what I want. But marital strife is not my best thing. It's important for me for him to be ok with what I do, but I just am really frustrated with what he doesn't appear to be ok with. He is working hard on himself right now, and I can see the results. More and more every day."

Remember, at the time, we were practicing Polyamory by Partner's request.

We had many, many of these talks over the years but this is the first one where he acknowledged that the issues in our marriage might not be just me. (It takes two to tango...)

He promptly forgot this conversation, and stopped taking the meds after a time.

Also, me ignoring his NO and doing what I want usually resulted in a silent treatment situation like this, which was always horrible for me, so I stopped trying.

Anyway, just thinking about the past today and how fortunate I am to be so happy and free now.

Tumblrer Twitterer Pinterester Instagramer...Why?!

Social networking...

I'm struggling with my fears and how much to put my story out there. I've gone back and forth for years about what, who, when, where, and why to tell my story without being discovered by Ex.

...I'm struggling, once again, with being the beneficiary of Ex's wrath.

Not to mention the people who would judge me or flat out not believe me. And they are out there...I respect the fact that Ex's family and the friends I lost in the divorce might not choose to believe what went on.

Except for that one Jackhole who texted me in the middle of the night that I was a BITCH for divorcing Ex, thus triggering a week-long anxiety attack. I don't respect him. I do, however, forgive because he has a small brain and has been hurt so badly by his ex-wife that he talks to all women that way.

We all have our karma to work out.

I've started linking some of my social networking accounts together to share my stories a little farther...I have a need, apparently. I ask that if you do see a real life name here and there, or a real life fact that leads you to find out more about me personally, or that your discover you know me AND Ex, that you use your new found information for good and not evil. :)

Why am I spreading my stories a little farther?

To help someone like me?

Revenge?

I love to write?

To get the stories out of my head, like a diary, so I can move on with my day? This, mostly.

I'm afraid Ex will see this blog and be enraged and that it will hamper our new, relaxed, best for the kids relationship.

If he does, what would I say?

I was angry?

I was hurt?

What you thought our relationship was, was not what it was for me?

I'm sorry for outing you? (Because he might choose to damage our relationship further, or take it out on the kids.)

I'm sorry for telling my truth? (I'm not. But I know how I get with him. Tell him what he wants to hear, when I'm afraid, so I can get the fuck out of dodge.)

All these reasons seem paltry next to the deep, deep fear I have about him being mad at me. About any man being mad at me.

I know that's why I haven't linked things together until now...why my blog has been anonymous.

Ask Partner about my fear of angry men, who held my hand while I shook and jumped with fear, and the tears that ran down my face while we were watching, "12 Years As A Slave". Ask the man who soothes me when I hear a loud noise and jump out of my skin. Who tells his Ex no, when she suggests something I can't emotionally handle. The man who holds me tight when my depression gets a hold of me and squeezes until I have to leave work for the day or hide in our bedroom.


I'm deciding to step farther out of my comfort zone a little more and show the world who I really am, because I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm trying to adopt the Zero Fucks Given approach, though I know there will always be things I give fucks about.

*bitch voice in head* WHAT IF THE KIDS SEE IT?!!

Then they do. They already know that my marriage to their dad was difficult and painful, and that mom's house is more relaxing than dad's. I'll answer their questions when they ask them. They are preteen/teenagers now...as for Karma Kids, they see very little media so I don't guess they'll see this any time soon, but when and if they do ask I'll answer as honestly as I can, editing for age.

At some point, I expect, all the kids will realize they have more power about where they stay than they know, and my house will be full more often.

I've put some new links down the sidebar here to some of the places I hang out when I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like working. :) There will be posts and pictures and things that won't be shown here, so if you're curious, feel free.

Social media: the escape for those who are able to utilize it.

Frustrating!

I KNOW Son can do more than I sometimes give him credit for; that I need to believe in him. And I do! I do! I'm his biggest damned advocate and have been since he was born. 

I know I'm also overprotective.

We grew up together; I learned how to raise children with my special needs child. I sometimes look at Daughter as an adult because she is so different, and I know that's not fair to her. She's four years younger and tries really hard to be patient and understand why he's such a squeaky wheel and gets more attention. I also try to acknowledge her for it. Often.

Son wants to be home schooled like his BFF, but Ex says Son needs the socialization of his public school. We have often differed in what to do for Son, and how to raise him. I tend to coddle him, and Ex tends to be a drill sergeant.

I'd do anything to help him find his place in the world and his self esteem. He is not a boy/man that thrives in big groups.

He spent a good part of the weekend with party guests taking breaks alone. Partner got him out on the Ultimate Frisbee field to play with his pickup team, and Son lasted a few minutes before he declared his foot hurt. He also asked why Partner was yelling at him, and since another sensitive boy who was there asked Partner NOT to yell at him, I know that it's just THE DAD VOICE partner has sometimes when he's trying to organize a group of kids/people. I explained that to them and everyone felt better...Partner thought it was amusing and pointed out the they weren't likely to hear that voice from him anywhere else.

I'm thrilled because Son went out and tried. That is HUGE. I am fortunate that Partner understands my need for a positive role model for Son as well as occasional help. He'll do things for Partner (so far) that he won't do for me.

I'll take it. 

Son is more like me in that he needs/wants to be solitary sometimes. He played with everyone at the party and had a good time, but the lack of routine and knowing what would happen next has always disturbed him.

No matter what I do, Son is son and I have to help him find the path that works for him. Not what his father would like him to be...and for the record, I wouldn't change him one bit, unless I could do something to make life easier for him.

Which reminds me...when my brother came out of the closet (we were in high school) my mother cried. She explained to him that it was not because he is gay, it's because his life was going to be harder.

That's how I feel about Son. I love him. I love the way he is. I love that he just wants to be loved and make people laugh. He wants acceptance and to be comfortable. 

Isn't that what we all want?

The issue is, often it takes different circumstances to give him that comfort and acceptance.

If he was home schooled (charter schools here where he can go in once a week and do his work at home) he'd be in an environment with other kids like him. There would be socialization and more potential for good friendships in an atmosphere that is understanding, rather than being silent in public school for fear that someone will judge him and compare him to the other kids who don't appear to have social and school trouble like him.

He has friends, just not many in his public school.

I don't know what's right for him. He's more like me, and people don't GET that. His dad thinks I'm holding him back. Putting labels on him. 

I have labels dammit! Depression! Learning disability! Social anxiety! Codependent! ADD! Where do I draw the line between trying to make people understand and labeling him?! Argh.

For the record: his dad and I are great at co-parenting. I don't have (many) complaints. He loves them.I respect his opinion because he does his best just like I try to do

....and labeling myself. I'm not ashamed of my mental health.

However, I think Son will most likely stay in public school because Ex and I have to agree for Son to change his education plan. Ex stopped responding to my emails about Home Schooling and changed the subject.

Story of my life with him.

10 and Not Blinding Party Goers

Partner was telling his best friend yesterday that his dad took him to see "10" (with Dudley Moore) when he was 8. He told Best Friend that he's liked big breasted women ever since, then he looks meaningfully at me.

*more than a little pride and a big grin*

On another note, this last weekend was another for EPIC BEST WEEKENDS EVER for the memory books. There is so much to tell, I'm overwhelmed with what to put first.

So I'll start with:

Daughter was opening presents in which one mom had packed "poppers"; those confetti things that have a kick in them, that are supposed to be used outside only. Daughter was so distracted and excited she shot it off right then and there.

Next thing we know, her best friend from grade school is screaming bloody murder. I shoved one kid out of the way, hard, to get at her to see if she was alright, and took control of the situation. I talked to her and kissed her forehead and soothed her until she calmed down enough to talk. I then ascertained that she was not bleeding or blind, then ushered her off to the bathroom to wash out her eye. Partner came up behind with a wet towel, which turned out was all she needed. The spark apparently landed on her eyelid and not her eyeball, thank you little tiny baby jesus.

Daughter told me this later the next night when we were checking in together after the busy weekend. I told her she might have told me that sooner! I thought her friend's mother was going to skin me, and that Daughter had blinded a party guest.

Daughter's BFFGS then proceeded to get giggly and happy again, and I texted her mom, who was not concerned because she was fine.

Thank you thank you thank you.

I came back into the room with D's BFFGS and everyone was relieved she was ok. Before we moved on with presents I got their attention and said, "Alright now, who did I shove when I was trying to get at D's BFFGS?" Karma Daughter raised her hand, grinning. Good lord. I shoved my own Karma Daughter out of the way. I also discovered my phone on the floor, which is apparently where I threw it as I shoved KD.

Sigh.

Welp, no one can say I'm not in control in a crisis. Partner did tell me later that if I was going to shove anyone, I made a good choice because KD is tough. :) I can always count on him to soothe me.

A few minutes later I discovered Son was falling apart, having been traumatized by the screaming...he is so sensitive...so much like me. I talked him down and cuddled and soothed him, as best as I could soothe a boy/man that is taller than I, and we talked it out. I told him his reaction was totally normal, as was mine, and he started crying. He felt better, and not as embarrassed as Partner came in to check in with him too, and then Son's friend drifted in...and we moved along with the party.

I took a quick breather in my room and started to fall apart myself, coming down off the adrenaline, gave myself 5 minutes, than staggered back into the fray.

It was still one of the best weekends on record, and I will post again later to tell more stories.

Have a great Monday!

I'm Not Poly

 One more post today:

Partner and I had a wonderful weekend, and had some quiet time to talk. I think I brought the subject up because I wanted to talk to him about how I felt.

I told Partner that I don't think I was ever, truly, poly. (I wrote about it here and here.) I shared with him that I thought I agreed with Ex to open our marriage and try Polyamory because I was searching for something I wasn't receiving in my marriage.

I was trying to fill the holes in my heart.

It's funny; often when I bring up things to share with Partner, he ends up telling me something that means the world to me. It's like a reward for sharing my thoughts with him.

He told me that he felt exactly the same way. That he doesn't think there would ever be that much room in his heart for someone else, because he loves me so much.

He said exactly what I felt. Then I melted.


I am over the moon in love with this man, and he reminds me why every day with his words and his actions.


To top it off, last night Partner came over after dinner and Kids and I were decompressing after eating together. He and I started playing a game together, sitting on the couch...then Daughter drifted into the room when her homework was finished, and snuggled next to me, then Son came out of his cave to hang out with us too, and ended up snuggling with us on the couch as well. Dogs were up in there too, with Bunny hopping around our feet happily. I looked over at Partner and he was sleepy and happy as I rubbed his feet in between turns in the game, Daughter kissing my cheek, Son showing us the game he was playing on his phone, and Bunny teasing and playing with ADHD Dog when he ventured down off the couch.

I have never been happier, and am succeeding in being present in the moment whenever I can.

What a blessing.

Thank you.

New Theme And Update!

New look! I like to change with the seasons, and it's so abnormally warm here I thought I'd put some blue. Supposed to rain this week though...fingers crossed!

OH! I was going to update in the end of the last post and I forgot:

I came out of my cold/depression haze (though the stupidy cold is still there - I'm losing my voice) and I am feeling a lot better. I just upped my dose of depression meds to where I was supposed to be, and wrapped the people I love around me. That is really hard to do when you're feeling depressed, I know, but my kids are with me every other week so eventually someone is in the house that I have to take care of besides myself. Taking care of my kids makes me very happy because they are old enough now to understand when I'm feeling down and why (Son also suffers from depression, if you recall) and Daughter at the ripe age of almost 12 still (thank you tiny baby jesus) wants to cuddle with me and give me hugs and kisses. And when we are all together we mostly laugh, and argue, negotiate, laugh,  gripe, laugh, sleep, laugh, eat, laugh.

And then there is Partner and Second Daughter and Son, not to mention my friends, which just add to the abundant love that I have surrounded myself with.

I am blessed, and even when I am in the goddamned pit of depression my chemicals heap upon me from time to time, I know this.

Thank you.

THE CHAT

 

 (except I'll be with the dogs)

I am formulating my thoughts about how I finally sat down and talked (listened to) Partner's Ex.

She needed for me to hear her and I did, with empathy and minimal suppressed sighs. She said a lot of negative things about Partner, which I expected, and told me she didn't mean to talk about him. She said she needed to tell me about the negativity in order to help me understand where she was coming from.

The thing is, I have experienced all the things she told me with my Ex. Every one.

It didn't sway my opinion of Partner in any way. I adore him and love him and have never experienced negativity with him. In three years. Pretty good, I think. I've been frustrated with him, sure. Normal stuff.

She was sad and kind, and told me it all had nothing to do with me; that she just needed space for a while. That I was always welcome in her home. She loved the way I am with her kids and that they love me. She was happy for us, but sometimes it's hard to watch.

I have empathy for her position, and she brought me to tears at one point when she alluded to the negative things some of her friends said about me. One of my triggers. I pulled myself together and tried to really focus on what she was saying.

The thing is, I love her children. I hope to be in their lives for the rest of mine. I have learned through experience that you don't poke the monster with a stick, even if the monster is making you feel defensive and scared. You listen and get the hell out of dodge.

Mission accomplished until the next time something comes up.

A very good friend mentioned that it sounds like I've been *she brushed her hands together as she told me* tying up a lot of loose ends and she made me realize that yes, I have. It feels nice, even though I now owe the IRS $2,500 because Ex fucked up his W-2. But that's the next post...

Welp

That went over like a ton of bricks. She told me she was coming home tonight and she'll text me when she's on her way home so I can leave. 

So here I am. At home. Alone. 

Here we go. 

I'm Happy, Dammit

I choose to be happy and to give as much as I'm able. There are some who tease me for being an optimist in every situation, and I believe, look down on me because of it. I once joked to Partner's Ex about picking up my dog's poop while walking in the park: "It keeps your hands warm when it's cold!" (Through a poop bag. I have teenagers. Nothing grosses me out anymore.) My playa name is 'The Good Witch Lollipop'. (Given to me by Partner.) 

I'd like to thank my good friend (he knows who he is), for making me believe that my laugh is shiny and wonderful.

Being positive can be emotionally exhausting, particularly when someone doesn't really SEE me. Even when I feel I've tied a knot and am hanging on to the end...it keeps me from falling into a pit of despair. 

I hate that damned pit.

I have been struggling the last few days. In response to my difficulty, I have sent an email to Partner's Ex, trying to share my deep feelings with her to see if I can deepen our relationship as well as let her know that I feel hurt. It's past time that she really see me. I'm not sure what she thinks I've been doing the last 2.5 years (falling in love with her children and deeper into it with Partner, and coming to respect and like her...dare I say love?).

I left her a voicemail once in response to something she asked me a while back, because she didn't pick up. When I saw her next, she told me she didn't listen to the whole thing because it was too long. Insulting. Power play? Maybe. I feel she has ingrained behavior that she sees differently than I do. What I see as insulting may be just her way of living her life the best way she knows how. I try to take it all with a grain of salt and move on, not worrying about it.

This is what I wrote to her, edited to protect:

"At the 'Event' I was going to read a speech I had written, because I'm afraid of public speaking. I chickened out and went BLARGH instead. I would like you to read this, if you will, because I express myself better in writing, and when I get emotional I tend to fall apart.

I'm aware that when some people look at me they see a shy, fat, stupid blond, with big boobs and not much else, and the worst mistake people usually make is underestimating my intelligence, strength, and resilience. It's easy to write me off if you don't see me. I would prefer that people look past the outside to see the empathic, loving, liberal, good witch, earth mother that I am.

I want you to see me.

It is beyond humiliating for me to try to express deep feelings then burst into tears, or to have an anxiety attack trying to say what I feel I need to say out loud. I put on a mask of calm, aloof, control and then process later in private. It's self defense when I am in situations that make me uncomfortable. It's also amusing that sometimes it pisses people off when they're angry at me.

I did not walk into your life causally without being fully aware of what I was getting into, and I have done my damnedest to be the best part of it that I can be. I do not take the responsibility of being a part of it, in particular (her and Partner's) 'daughter' and 'son', lightly, and I do not take for granted the fact that my presence may be extremely difficult for you at times.

I think it's past time that you and I have some deeper conversation, and for me to let you know that I am afraid of and don't feel safe with you. I am not saying that you did anything to make me feel that way. My family visiting me over Xmas reminded me of why I react the way I do in certain situations and why I have typically picked partners and others in my life who abuse me. I am working to trust easily, but I fear it's a long road.

The Speech:

'I would like to give thanks. I wrote this because this is how I express myself well, and public speaking is terrifying.

This year has been one of the hardest of my life. It has also been one of the most wonderful. I am finally free of my 20 year abusive marriage and have forgiven myself for staying in it so long. I regained the space I needed to be myself and to live the way I want, without fear. I am shedding the pain and anxiety that ruled my life, and am able to be fully present with my kids, with Partner, and with his and Partner's Ex's kids. I’d like to start calling (Partner's Ex and Partner's) daughter and son my Second Kids, if that’s ok with them. Between us there are four children, two houses, three dogs, one rabbit, one guinea pig, and one rat. We are a big, commingling family. I am happier now than I have ever been.

I want to thank Partner's Ex for welcoming me into her life and her home, and trusting me with her children. If she hadn't, I wouldn't be able to spend as much time up here with the people I love. I appreciate her.

When I first popped up in Second Son's life he asked me to stop teasing him, so I backed off and gave him space. I want to thank him because when he duels me with light sabers then cuddles up with me, calling me ‘Second Mom’, my heart melts.

I gave Second Daughter space from the beginning, because she’s an altogether different soul. I want to thank Second Daughter for finally grabbing my arm and dragging me into her world, trusting me enough to tell me how to dress, and for sharing herself with me.

I want to thank Friend, Friend, Friend's Daughter, and Friend's Son (some of the most wonderful people I've ever met) for including me in their circle, because their friendship has helped me open my heart again and re-learn to trust. Spending time in this safe place and being able to meet you all has helped me change my life.

My Son isn’t here this year because he's even more introverted than I am. He feels more comfortable in small groups and with familiarity. I want to thank him for teaching me that our love for each other is not always enough to keep from making each other crazy, unless you mix it with patience, humor, honesty, and trust. He feels safe enough to fight with me, his physical comedy makes me belly laugh, and he trusts me enough to ask me questions that make his conservative father's hair stand on end. His home with me is his safe place. We have been through the ringer together, and for him and the life lessons he has taught me, I am grateful.

I want to thank Daughter for lighting up my life. She snuggles with me, acts goofy to make me laugh, and hugs me when I need to be soothed. She works hard to be patient with the attention her brother often needs, and I want her to understand that I hear her, and I am trying hard to make sure she knows I love and appreciate her. Seeing such sensitivity and wacky humor all rolled up into one bouncing young woman reminds me of the person I used to be - the person I have fought so hard this year to become again. She is my best girlfriend, she is braver and smarter than I ever was at her age, and I love her to the moon and back.

I can’t express how deeply I feel about Partner. I spent most of the first year of our relationship baffled. I have never been treated the way he treats me. He has shown me unconditional love and trust. He plays with me, cooks for me, does housework, works hard at whatever task is at hand, he hears me, and he is attentive to my needs. He even remembers what I say. He is a role model for kindness and friendship. I have never been loved this deeply before or felt so comfortable being myself. When I showed him the real me he responded in kind with more charm, affection, and selflessness than I have ever been given. He is my Amorous Compatible, and I love him from the depths of my heart. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

Thank you all for hearing me."

I know you're going through some tough feelings right now and that I have a part in that.

I want you to know that I hear you, and that I'm sorry you feel hurt.

I also want you to know that I am feeling hurt by the backlash of yours. (She reacted deeply, and with difficulty to Partner telling our room full of friends that I am the love of his life. Her response has been to make his life more difficult, and to request that I stay away from their home for 'a while', so she can recover from the apparent insult. He has gritted his teeth and apologized for hurting her feelings, pointing out that this is how he feels, to keep the peace.) I feel hurt and left out, much like I did in the beginning when my relationship with Partner was more secretive about who I was, and I'm scared because I used to worry a lot about you being able to keep me from seeing Partner and your kids. 

Now I see that happening.

I also know that how I feel will eventually blow over, and hopefully you will be able to process your hurt too, but I also know that you're more in control of the situation than I am, and I feel like I'm being punished. I don't feel I did anything wrong, nor do I feel Partner did anything wrong, and my anger and frustration about the situation makes me cry.

I feel my welcome extended by you has been revoked. I know that I have given you the power to make me feel this way, and that makes me more upset. I don't want to add to your stress. I just want to be able to see your children, who I have come to love deeply, and Partner when we are able to make it happen with all of our busy schedules.

I have tried hard to stay out of your way and to be unobtrusive, to help as much as I can when I'm at your house to earn my keep and help things go smoothly, when I am emotionally able to. I have been uncomfortable sometimes, but the love and support I felt made me think it was just me making up things to worry about. Our situation is unique, and I was proud of it; proud to be part of it until I felt shunned.

That being said, I am feeling extra sensitive right now and am usually able to be stoic and stay out of it until things blow over. When it directly affects the people that I love, including you, I can't stay out or silent for long.

My hope is that opening this communication line between us will help make sure that we are all emotionally taken care of, particularly our children, in the future.

We don't need to discuss this or ever talk about it at all if you prefer not to. But know that I may write another note in the future if I have more deep feelings I want to share with you.

I hope your work party tonight goes well (that I could not join because she would be 'uncomfortable' - this is where the real hurt started) and that you have a good time, and that you enjoy your time away this weekend.

With love and light,

Me"

The end result is that today I am going up to their house to spend the weekend because she's going to be gone. I don't know how this will play out, but I will say that I am busy making plans to get myself closer to them and not too far from Kid's schools so this won't be as much of an issue. Living closer has been a dream of mine since I met Partner, and it's time I take more control of my life and make it happen.

Ex and I have talked briefly and with agreement about wanting to sell the house I live in that we co-own. We are getting along well now and hopefully we can make this happen with a minimum of difficulty.

We'll see.