His Meds, My Meds, Everywhere a Med-Med

I am pooped! I've been busy.

Son’s latest psych appt went well. We upped the dose of his ADHD med for school. It’s been long overdue because Ex forgot to talk to his psych about it when Son was there last time telling her he was seeing things and hearing things.

Sigh.

She also prescribed generic Tenex, which is supposed to help him manage his rage. It’s supposed to give him some space to think about what he does before he slams the fridge, or throws a remote, throws his sister on the floor, or shoves me out of the way when I put myself between them. (It doesn’t happen often, but it happens.) Tenex is supposed to work well with ADHD reactivity/impulsivity and doesn’t require blood work regularly. He objected to that, which I’m glad. This is supposed to be the safest option for helping manage himself. And we’ll start it after he comes back from his spring break trip with Ex and his family (they’re going Saturday) because then I can be in charge of the titration up and it may make him groggy the first two days. I don’t want him reacting to a new medication out of my sight while he’s traveling with Ex…plus I’m torn about it.

I am torn about this because I’ve found in the past that I’m torn when he needs it but I don’t want to accept that he does…I don’t want him to have to need it. I did the same thing when he started taking his depression med, and when he started taking his ADHD med. Is it sibling rivalry or is it impulse control? Both?

Poor Son started to tip over at the psych appt yesterday: shutting down, laying down on the couch. I asked the psych to slow down (she was talking a mile a minute) and I would turn to interpret to Son what she was saying because I could tell it was too much, too fast, and he couldn’t follow what she was saying. I told him I wasn’t going to tell him he had to take anything, but that he could choose. He chose the med that didn’t require blood work and said he would try it.

I was reminded yesterday that kids with ADHD tend to lag behind about three years in brain development…so essentially Son and Daughter are in the same place. He’s a little kid with issues in a big body and jeebus, will there ever be a time when I don’t have to worry and fight and cajole and discuss? We have a meeting at school for the school to tell us what our options are since they were not able to uphold the IEP and the school was TOO HARD FOR HIM! 

Remember when I was reluctant to move him? Another great idea from Ex.

And med check for me, yes…my doc, after she gave me an online test asking if I was sleeping or had suicidal thoughts – yes and no – that doesn’t freaking mean I don’t need help - told me I didn’t qualify for more help. Which in Kaiser Speak means they save the few spots they have for people who seem to be needier. I sent her back an email talking about the emotional abuse and anxiety and Son and Partner and his Kids (good stuff that I want to talk about) and Daughter and my diet and blah. My doc asked the therapist I didn’t like (the one I stopped going to see – she wasn’t listening to me…she was planning things for me) call me and tell me I should contact WEAVE because they do individual and group counseling regarding emotional abuse (and that’s why Kaiser doesn’t – I call bullshit) and to confirm the transfer to another counselor for one on one, I think, and that there is a emotion regulation group I might be able to go to at Kaiser. So I may go to a walk in “triage” at WEAVE and tell them about my situation and see what they recommend after I find out what Kaiser is going to do.

I don’t want to sit in a group of physically abused women because it triggers me into thoughts of “they need help more than I do and I’m ok so I don’t need to be here”. And it's brutal, but if I'm going to sob in front of strangers, I want to sob to work through my own crap instead of at other people's stories. I can't even watch movies or tv about it without falling apart.

I AM ok, I just want to talk an impartial party who will hear about my struggles with Son and the aftermath of the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered, why the hell I jump out of my skin every time I hear a loud noise, and our blended family wonderfulness and the complications and everything.

*deep breath*

I actually woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long, long time. More in control and feeling happy. Part of it is that Partner is coming over tonight. The other part of it is that Son has been really great lately. I mean he’s Son and still tells me he’s not emptying the dishwasher when I ask and when I get him to, he bangs his elbow then yells FUCK IT and crawls back into his cave, with the dishwasher still full…but he has been hearing me when I ask him not to do something or when I talk to him. He’s been good with Daughter too, though the sibling stuff still happens.

So much work. How on earth can my PCP tell me I don’t get to receive services? After my email rant I got the phone call…

Anyway…my brain is all fuddled and part of it is that another thing that’s happened to me lately is I’ve started to care more about things, like my job. I was seriously lagging at work, getting things done slowly, putting out fires I could have avoided. Part of the depression where you just don’t care that much about some things. I would spend my time daydreaming about another job when I wasn’t doing the one I have well. I’m stepping back up again and working harder, sleeping more, eating better, and doing little things for myself life a monthly massage and coloring my hair, eating sushi with Partner.

They stretch the budget but they reward me and make me feel happy.

Phew. I never really know what I’m going to say until I start typing and it all falls out all over the place. Thanks for listening.

It's Time To Make A Huge Change

I need to move. I need to get off my ass and stop avoiding selling this house with Ex. I need to stop fearing the pain in the ass of dealing with him (again) and get together to put the house on the market.

I want to be with Partner all the time.

I'm scared because it's a big change, and so many things can go wrong or change in a short period of time.

I will also probably need to leave the job I love because where I want to live is too far to commute for a sane person.

Let me clarify:

Every friend I have in this area where I live works in my office. If I move, I won't see them every workday anymore. I love the feeling I get of having helped people we serve at the end of the day. My job is hard (emotionally) but easy to do. (I can do admin work with my eyes closed.) I could do without the constant battle of dealing with emotionally distraught people when I am just trying to get out of bed in the morning to deal with my own, albeit mostly happy, life. I could do with working in a different field. I've been told (*eyes Partner*) that I don't make very much money, but it's more money than I've ever made and I can pay my bills. I have benefits and a 401K.

AND:

I have no future or the hope of any kind of cost of living increase or promotion. There's no money in working for a nonprofit and nowhere to go UP. (Not that I want to. I'm happy working for someone I like.) It takes me 30-45 minutes to get to and from this job that is only 15-20 mins from my house. I am constantly at risk of someone going berserk, and something stressful or potentially dangerous happening (though the odds are low), or someone triggering me and making me cry.

It happens

The point is, it's time to move on. To start the new life I want, and that means a new house where Partner Kids, and Karma Kids and I can be together, and a new job.

I'll still need to drive a ways to get the kids to school, but I have to do what I have to do. I will figure out how to make it work.

I know that if I can leave an abusive marriage and coparent with my abuser, I'm brave enough to sell a house with him and change my job. It will be one less thing that connects me to him.

Ack. Scary!

Jesus...whew. *deep breath*

Let's do this.

I Can Do It

 
I joined Medifast to lose weight. I've been reading about it, and I'm going to try it for 4 weeks and see what happens. They provide the food, and you exercise and don't eat extra stuff. I'll start in 3-7 days when it's delivered then I'll try to maintain it on my own once I lose weight.

My doctor told me I needed to get down to 165 about three years ago. I weigh more now. So I want to lose 19. Then none of my clothes will fit, but that's what thrift stores are for!

Since I've been thinking about it so long, I guess it's probably not impulsive. I need to get my head out of the sand before I develop diabetes. I'm high risk, as you know.

I need more energy to keep up with all these kids I love so much, and my active Partner. :)

Wish me luck.

I can do it, I can do it, I can do it...

A Note To Partner about Ex From March 2012

"Husband (at the time) said many, many interesting things to me last night. We had one of the best talks we've ever had, in our entire marriage. He acknowledged that most of what's wrong between us is him. He went out and picked up a higher dosage of medication, and he told me that when he says NO, usually it means that he's distracted or that this is only his initial reaction without thinking, and that I should talk to him about it later. I told him that where I came from, No meant no. Silly me. He also said that even if he does say no, I should feel free to go ahead and do what I want anyway, if it's important to me. This sounds an awful lot like permission, but really it's his way of saying that I shouldn't let him tell me no, I can't go do something, and if he does, I don't have to listen. I know this, as an adult. I know I can do what I want. But marital strife is not my best thing. It's important for me for him to be ok with what I do, but I just am really frustrated with what he doesn't appear to be ok with. He is working hard on himself right now, and I can see the results. More and more every day."

Remember, at the time, we were practicing Polyamory by Partner's request.

We had many, many of these talks over the years but this is the first one where he acknowledged that the issues in our marriage might not be just me. (It takes two to tango...)

He promptly forgot this conversation, and stopped taking the meds after a time.

Also, me ignoring his NO and doing what I want usually resulted in a silent treatment situation like this, which was always horrible for me, so I stopped trying.

Anyway, just thinking about the past today and how fortunate I am to be so happy and free now.

Tumblrer Twitterer Pinterester Instagramer...Why?!

Social networking...

I'm struggling with my fears and how much to put my story out there. I've gone back and forth for years about what, who, when, where, and why to tell my story without being discovered by Ex.

...I'm struggling, once again, with being the beneficiary of Ex's wrath.

Not to mention the people who would judge me or flat out not believe me. And they are out there...I respect the fact that Ex's family and the friends I lost in the divorce might not choose to believe what went on.

Except for that one Jackhole who texted me in the middle of the night that I was a BITCH for divorcing Ex, thus triggering a week-long anxiety attack. I don't respect him. I do, however, forgive because he has a small brain and has been hurt so badly by his ex-wife that he talks to all women that way.

We all have our karma to work out.

I've started linking some of my social networking accounts together to share my stories a little farther...I have a need, apparently. I ask that if you do see a real life name here and there, or a real life fact that leads you to find out more about me personally, or that your discover you know me AND Ex, that you use your new found information for good and not evil. :)

Why am I spreading my stories a little farther?

To help someone like me?

Revenge?

I love to write?

To get the stories out of my head, like a diary, so I can move on with my day? This, mostly.

I'm afraid Ex will see this blog and be enraged and that it will hamper our new, relaxed, best for the kids relationship.

If he does, what would I say?

I was angry?

I was hurt?

What you thought our relationship was, was not what it was for me?

I'm sorry for outing you? (Because he might choose to damage our relationship further, or take it out on the kids.)

I'm sorry for telling my truth? (I'm not. But I know how I get with him. Tell him what he wants to hear, when I'm afraid, so I can get the fuck out of dodge.)

All these reasons seem paltry next to the deep, deep fear I have about him being mad at me. About any man being mad at me.

I know that's why I haven't linked things together until now...why my blog has been anonymous.

Ask Partner about my fear of angry men, who held my hand while I shook and jumped with fear, and the tears that ran down my face while we were watching, "12 Years As A Slave". Ask the man who soothes me when I hear a loud noise and jump out of my skin. Who tells his Ex no, when she suggests something I can't emotionally handle. The man who holds me tight when my depression gets a hold of me and squeezes until I have to leave work for the day or hide in our bedroom.


I'm deciding to step farther out of my comfort zone a little more and show the world who I really am, because I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm trying to adopt the Zero Fucks Given approach, though I know there will always be things I give fucks about.

*bitch voice in head* WHAT IF THE KIDS SEE IT?!!

Then they do. They already know that my marriage to their dad was difficult and painful, and that mom's house is more relaxing than dad's. I'll answer their questions when they ask them. They are preteen/teenagers now...as for Karma Kids, they see very little media so I don't guess they'll see this any time soon, but when and if they do ask I'll answer as honestly as I can, editing for age.

At some point, I expect, all the kids will realize they have more power about where they stay than they know, and my house will be full more often.

I've put some new links down the sidebar here to some of the places I hang out when I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like working. :) There will be posts and pictures and things that won't be shown here, so if you're curious, feel free.

Social media: the escape for those who are able to utilize it.