Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

 :)

A new link I'm putting in the sidebar on the blog...found it in a new group in Facebook. See it here.

Have a great weekend!

I Now Owe The IRS $2,500 Because Ex Fucked Up His W-2

(What I say to myself when I start to worry about other people's stuff too much -
Alternative title to this pic is 'Snowy Jones' Exorcism Wasn't Going Smoothly')

 
The title says it all.

Outside the nut shell:

Ex and I have written in the divorce settlement that we would file joint taxes last year. We verbally agreed that I would take care of the taxes and when I needed his W-2 and other papers, he ignored me, and ignored me, and ignored me, so I went ahead and filed as head of household because I was pissed (and more than a little stressed, anxiety ridden, and confused about what the hell was actually in our divorce settlement...sue me) and received about $300 back. I claimed the entirety of the house credit because I was living there and paying the mortgage.

Well, he wasn't too pleased about that. Especially when he discovered that he owed $3,000. He spend the next year, off and on, trying to talk me into amending my taxes to jointly file the tax return and I ignored him until he threatened me Monday night.

This pissed me off for a number of reasons:

1 - I wanted to get it done and to the IRS before the deadline and he ignored me.

2- He sent me multiple emails in a 48 hour period about it with emotional threats and claiming he's been DOING THE RIGHT THING for the last 15 months, including moving out of the house so I could live in HIS HOUSE with cheaper rent (mortgage) than he is now paying.

3 - The night he sent the email that broke the camel's back, I was three drinks into a comfy little evening I had planned for myself to make some soup and watch Netflix alone. Precious alone time to recharge my batteries.

I lost my shit.

Whilst three sheets to the wind (don't judge - I am an adult and was alone that evening - and not depressed - Woo!) I prepared a fiery, cuss word filled email on my phone that I was busily editing (even whilst loopy I am a stickler to say precisely what I want to say in exactly the correct way to express myself accurately) when it disappeared.

...

CRAP!!!

Did I send it unfinished? No. Did it disappear off the face of the CLOUD? Yes.

FUCKERY!!

I sighed heavily, very frustrated, and started to write another response, this time wisely choosing my less tipsy response in a kinder way, realizing that sending those kinds of emails to Ex has never, ever benefited me or anyone else. I edited carefully and sent it calmly.

Never heard back.

Holy crap. Did he hear me and I stopped him in his tracks? Did he not see it yet? Either way, I went to bed anxiety ridden awaiting the fateful *scary breath sounds* that would alert me that he had responded.

Nothing at all.

The next day at work, clearheaded, I contacted my accountant and set into motion the process of amending my taxes. She did it, BAM, in less than 24 hours. Done, and awaiting his signature. This was big considering I've spent the last 20 years waiting for him to do our taxes and him filing extensions. (Which he also did again last year.)

You may know about how willing he is to sign things by some of my past posts, so I am trying to breathe deeply and be patient. Remember, his signing these papers makes him liable for only half of what he owes filing by himself so it's in his best interest. I am hoping to pick up the paperwork when I go by today to pick up Son for some mother-son bonding time tonight.

Below I have copied and pasted the emails. Guess what? The email didn't disappear. It went into the DRAFT folder I can't access through my phone.

Thank the tiny baby jesus that I didn't send it.

Just goes to show you what a bad combination booze, anger, and nasty emails from Ex are for me. And probably everyone.

Incidentally, he apologized for the nasty emails. I think it was a combination of my reminding him about what THE RIGHT THING actually is, and the fact that he thought I received $3,000 FROM the IRS last year that he OWED because I didn't file jointly with him. Welp. That's what you get when you don't ask.

ASS.

Anyhoo, the emails:

The One I Sent:

"Brace yourself. I'm about to say some things that will make you upset.

Do not threaten me with court. Never threaten me again. Never, ever again talk to me about your version of the right thing. I know things about you that would horrify everyone who thinks you're an upstanding man and citizen. The right thing my ass. I know a lot of things about you that other people don't. So think back to all those things I know about you and reconsider the way you speak to me from now on. No one ever made me feel as small and ashamed of myself and belittled as I did in what you talked me into doing for you in the twenty years you should have been treating me like a precious, loved woman deserving of respect.

Now. I'll discuss taxes with you when I'm good and fucking ready to do it and not because you want to fill your wallet with money I don't have and could spend on your children.

You have no hold over me anymore, so if you want something from me you will ask nicely without trying to manipulate my emotions and praising your Perfect Ex Husband act.

If you truly want to get along with me and show the kids how you should treat their mother, treat me the same way when they're not listening. You can't be my friend if you smile in my face when we see each other when other people are looking then make threats and try to manipulate my emotions when they're not.

Don't talk to me about what's right."

The Email I Didn't Send:

"I'm tired of your Perfect Ex Husband bullying and posturing. I'm tired of you pretending to want to be friends and that everything is ok then sending me passive aggressive bullying emails so that you can continue to have some semblance of control over me and to squeeze every last drop of blood out of every penny you can get your hands on. You make more than me. You claim to be doing the right thing and that you're doing it for the kids, but really you're trying to scare me into giving you money I don't have, money that I could use to spend on your children, trying to get me to comply by threatening me with taking me to court. I've offered to compensate you for the money that we verbally agreed on. I'm no longer interested in your self aggrandizing claims to be doing the right thing. Who is this right thing for? Who does it benefit? You. Just like it always has. Well I hope that you and your money will be very happy together. You're forgetting that I also own the house. The paltry money you pay me is barely grocery money for your children's food when they're here. I work for a non profit with no hope of a raise or moving up. Never again mention to me that you're doing the right thing. Because the right thing would have been to refrain from coercing your wife into sex acts she didn't want to do with drunk men. That is sexual abuse. The right thing would have been to let your wife show you love and sexual attention without requiring she act and talk like a whore. The right thing would have been going to bed with her at night instead of staying up all night looking at porn on the computer, making me feel unwanted and unloved. The right thing would have been showing your children how a woman should be treated instead of treating her like a second class citizen who didn't have a mind of her own or any personal freedom. The right thing would have been to refrain from spitting food onto your plate with disgust in front of your children after your wife worked eight hours then came home and cooked for you. That is emotional abuse. The right thing would have been to not criticize your wife for her weight, taste in clothes, her friends, how she folded laundry, how she loaded the dishwasher, the jokes she thought were funny, and what she wanted to eat just to list a few of the things that made me feel so very small and insignificant that I now have anxiety attacks when you send me a text or an email. The right thing would have been to ask me if I was ok instead of accusing me of acting when I was doubled over on the bed with excruciating pain from a gallbladder attack. The right thing would not have been so fucking drunk that you knocked your goddamned front tooth out falling on a chair, then when I needed to have a tooth I had to get a fucking bridge because it was too expensive for my mouth. I hope you're enjoying your expensive implant. The right thing would have been to treat me with tenderness and kindness instead of constantly trying to control and manipulate every micromanaged aspect of our life into what you thought it should be. The right way. The only way. The right thing would have been to show your son how to be a man without verbally abusing me for twenty years. So don't you dare, ever fucking talk to me about what the right thing is. Ever. Again. You'll get your godforsaken fucking money, and you'll also get what you deserve for every little thing you put out into the universe. And I'll get out from under this fucking albatross of a house you claim to have so generously allowed me to stay in when it's a fucking ball and chain prison you stick me with that connects me to you. Don't you ever threaten me again. Think about what your family would say if they knew all the things about you that I do. I only hope that you treat our daughter better than you treated me so she has the self respect to find someone who treats her better than you did me. Leave me the fuck alone to live my life in peace with people that know something about respect, kindness and love."

(remember I was tiddly)

As I said before, thank the tiny baby jesus vishnu and everyone else who might be listening to my karma that

I didn't send this email. And I never will. I would never say horrible things to his family. What an awful person I would be. (Just anonymously via the internet - hope it doesn't count against my karma.)

Note to self: Along with my monthly alert sent to myself via my iPeriod app that reminds me about when my period is coming that says, "Do not engage ex or listen to anxiety ridden thoughts.", I will add, "Do not drink and respond to any email or text or person until sober again."

Incidentally, as I mentioned in the title, Ex screwed up his W-2 and will owe again this year. But this year it's Not Mine.

Thanks for listening.

Dear Asshole,

I wrote this today, while I was getting ready for work. It happened last Saturday at an event with friends where I normally feel very safe, due to the environment filled with burners. Just like anywhere else, there are assholes. Forevermore referred to as THE ASSHOLE, I have changed his name in the spirit of privacy.

"Hey THE ASSHOLE. Do you remember grabbing my ass while I was watching (my bf run his super fun game that folks love) at (event)? I do. I remember being shocked. I remember feeling violated. I remember thinking about it last night as I went to sleep because I wish I hadn't smiled at you when you did it. I remember wishing I'd punched you in the face, though I know I could never do that. Just like I can't say this to your face. Just like I couldn't not smile at you. Why I'm a victim. I'm going to try really hard to forgive you and I'll tell you why: Because you don't know that I am an abuse survivor. You don't know that I just finalized a painful divorce from my abuser. You don't know that I have two teen aged kids who I'm trying to co-parent with my abuser, and in particular a teenage daughter who I hope and wish and pray does not become a victim like me. You don't know that I work for a mental health recovery center with people who are also survivors of abuse and the results of it, among other painful mental health issues, to try to give back to all the people who have helped me in my recovery over the years. I'm going to try really hard to forgive you because somewhere in your brain you thought it was ok to put your hands on me, and I thought I'd help by letting you know that it is never, ever ok to touch anyone without consent. And that silence is not consent. I apologize for not being brave enough to say this to your face, but just typing it to you has helped me kick start the painful process of letting the abuse of my past go, again, along with the other painful memories I have. I wish you well in your recovery."

I froze when he touched me. One of my best friends, and a coworker, pointed out to me that freezing is "flight" in the fight or flight reaction.

When I was in 9th grade, a boy grabbed my ass in the hallway at school. I spun around and screamed at him at the top of my lungs.

What happened to me between there and here? Where is that strong, young girl who was able to react instantly to that violation? What the fuck?

I need to find her.

I'm afraid of what THE ASSHOLE's response is going to be. I'm afraid of what will happen in response. I'm making up stuff to worry about, I know. Probably nothing will happen but thank the tiny baby jesus I've gotten it off my chest.

YEAH.

(There you have it.)

The Narcissistic Parent

Found this here:

"Narcissists make deplorably bad parents. They are too focused on themselves to find children anything but an annoyance or a way to increase admiration and power. Many narcissists become parents either by accident or for some ill-thought out self-serving purpose.

Narcissists have two faces -- the one they wear in public, and the one they wear at home. Only those close to the narcissist have any idea there is more than one face. And the narcissist's children know best of all, because children - those who have the least power - are the ones the narcissist allows him or herself to be the least guarded around. A frequent frustration of children of narcissists is that everyone else thinks their mother or father is the most wonderful person ever, while at home their children suffer in silence with their parent's tantrums, disinterest and put-downs -- this is clearly NOT the most wonderful person if you truly know them -- not even close.

Narcissistic parents view and treat their children only as extensions or reflections of themselves. They see their children the way an advertiser sees a sign by the side of the road - as something to put their name on and use to build themselves up, or as something someone else is responsible for that they can ignore if they aren't interested. Because narcissists' families are centered around the whims and wishes of a truly self-centered parent, they are highly dysfunctional and do not allow children to question the parent or express their needs. Most narcissists treat their children badly in a few key ways -- emotional abuse, excessive parental control and parental neglect are all typical of narcissistic parents.

Narcissists cannot see their actual children and do not accept their needs. The narcissistic father who looks at his son and sees not an active, athletic little boy who is brilliantly gifted in sports and outdoor activities who needs more playtime, but an inanimate lump of clay he will shape into a doctor to brag about is just one of many examples of narcissistic parenting. (The reverse is often true as well; whatever the parent values takes priority.) The narcissistic mother who criticizes and hides behind a veneer of martyrdom when her child needs her support is another common manifestation of a narcissistic parent. Narcissists typically treat their children as if they're not good enough, and yet when the child does do well, the parent will either ignore and deny the event or take all the credit for it. (A common exception to the general rule of being treated as inferior is the treatment of the family "golden child", whom the narcissistic parent will treat as exceptional, superior and entitled.)

It's not uncommon for narcissists to be somewhat more agreeable as parents when their children are younger and easier to control. Many children of narcissistic parents report that their parents weren't as emotionally abusive when the children were young preschoolers - or were pre-adolescents. Some narcissists pay plenty of attention to small children, who make excellent captive audiences that narcissists find fun to impress and manipulate, only to completely turn away from (or turn against) those same children in later years. However, some narcissists dislike all children on the whole and have no interest in them at any age. To these narcissists, all children are viewed as nothing but an annoyance. Narcissists don't like to be questioned and don't want to deal with children who can stand up for themselves. It's common for some narcissistic parents to become more abusive toward their children when the children reach the age of reason (about 7 years old) or when the children enter into puberty, which many of these parents find very psychologically threatening.

Adult children of narcissists typically describe their parents as mean, phony, self-absorbed, judgmental, dishonest, immature and manipulative.

Some narcissistic parents are controlling and engulf their children. Others simply ignore their children and wish they would go away. However, all narcissistic parents fail to treat their children as authentic individuals who have their own unique characteristics and needs. Narcissists treat their children as mere blank screens for projecting their own internal "movies" onto.

There are narcissistic parents who deny their children's existence by insisting their children be and do what THEY want, and there are those who deny their children's existence by simply ignoring their children altogether. (Many narcissistic parents do both alternately, depending on which circumstances serve them best.)"

When I let Ex know what Son's grades were (fucking fantastic for a young man who has a visual processing disorder, ADHD, depression, and oppositional defiant disorder) he peppered me with questions, and each time he shot another one at me I became more and more angry. Do you know how hard it was for Son to get all that work done? He got a low progress report, then he busted his behind (with me helping him schedule tutors and teachers) to get the unfinished work finished and the points made up to earn enough points to get a C, two B's, and FIVE A's!!! 

FIVE!

I am so proud I could bust.

All Ex said after the peppering was, 'In two weeks he went from D's, C's, and a B to these grades? I wish school had been that easy when I was a kid.'

ASS. HOLE. What he meant was, they are letting Son slide through and he doesn't work as hard or as well as he should. DOESN'T WORK HARD and SHOULD, being the key words.

My heart breaks that I can't protect son from his negativity and unfairness, and most of all his control.

Ex shows his true character again.

Negativity Screws Up Everything

I'm heading out of town for a week to spend much anticipated time with good friends and family, so there won't be many posts while I'm gone unless I think of something I'd like to write about while I'm vegging. I've queued a few for the weekend but it might be sparse until the week after.

I appreciate you reading my posts. Please know that I enjoy writing them for others to read (and my healing) and perhaps you'll feel you're not alone. It helped/s me a lot to reach out to people who'd been abused as well.

Remember that positivity and self love is very important.

Take Care Of Yourself!

I Understand How You Feel

I hope you're enjoying your weekend!

How To Recognize And Stop Dating A Narcissist

Originally here:

"It's pretty easy to spot the classic narcissist as defined by Merriam-Webster. Narcissism is defined as extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration.

It's a bit more complex when it's not so black and white, when the man you're dating is cleverly cloaked as the charming "nice guy." It's intoxicating to be around him. He's fun and exciting. It feels like he's your true soul connection. It's easy to lose your head and heart once you become emotionally or sexually involved.
If you learn how to spot a narcissist from the outset of a relationship, you can stop dating him right away. You won't experience the shock and heartbreak that Gina did. And soon you'll begin to attract healthier relationships into your life.

Here are six ways to recognize and stop dating a narcissist:

When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away.

When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.

When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.

He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.

He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.

His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

If he exhibits any of the above behaviors, you should get out of this relationship as soon as possible. How?
Don't make demands on him to change. He won't.

Don't nag him or play games with him, such as making him chase you by playing hard to get. These tactics will never get him to be the kind of guy with whom you can forge a healthy relationship.

Do speak to him with firm conviction. Tell him that this relationship is not working for you.

And this is crucial: walk away, never to look back and hope for reconciliation.

Sandy Weiner"

What Do Survivors Of Abuse Want?

A list of things survivors of abuse want:

1. To be left alone.

The end.

Domestic Violence Information

Empowerment

(click it)

My warning signs were as follows:

2. Controlling Behavior: At the onset of the relationship, the abuser will say that this behavior is because of concern for their partner's safety, or to guide them in good decision-making and time management.
Signs: Closely questions everything their partner does. He never allowed me to make personal decisions about the house, but my clothing and/or other things, if he didn't like my choices, we would 'discuss' why his ideas 'made more sense'. 

3. Fast Moving Relationships: Many domestic violence survivors dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or started living together.
Signs: Relationship starts like a whirlwind, "love at first sight". Excessive flattery such as "you're the only person I can talk to" and "I love you more than anyone in the world". Abusive partner may state they need someone desperately. Pressure for commitment. We moved in together after knowing each other six months.

4. Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive partners are dependent on relationships for all of their needs; this is not healthy. No relationship is perfect and no one person can realistically be there "all the time."
Signs: Expects partner to be a perfect partner/spouse, parent, lover, and friend. Expects partner to take care of everything emotionally for them. Expects their partner to perform all household tasks.

5. Isolation: The abuser tries to cut-off resources in effort to remove opportunities for escape and systems of support. Without supportive friends with which to "trouble talk" about relationships, it can be hard to recognize signs of abuse. Resources include work or school, transportation, family and friends.
Signs: He allowed me friends but he badmouthed the ones he didn't approve of, telling me in detail what he thought was wrong with them until I couldn't take it anymore and stopped seeing them; these relationships are viewed as unfaithful. Friendships are ridiculed or sabotaged. He listened in on my conversations with my family and it was difficult to speak my  mind when he was listening, so I didn't talk to them on the phone very much. Moves away from partner's family and friends. 

6. Blames Others for Problems: Abusers do not take responsibility for any negative situation; instead they will find someone else or some external factor to blame for the problem.
Signs: Mistakes are the fault the partner. Irresponsibility. Chronic unemployment. Says, "Someone is always doing me wrong" or "out to get me". Says their partner (or kids) upsets them or keeps them from concentrating. Abuser blames their partner (or kids) for practically anything and everything that goes wrong.

8. Hypersensitivity: Abusers can be extra sensitive and may explode when they suspect an attack.
Signs: Easily insulted. Claims feeling "hurt" when really feels anger. Takes the slightest set back as personal attacks. Will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are really just part of living like being asked to help with chores. He was so Sybil-like that I was constantly worried he'd blow up at any moment. I walked on eggshells 24 hours a day.

9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: Someone who punishes children and or animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. This is a red flag warning and a message that they could hurt people too.
Signs: Expects children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (always with our son, in everything). Hurts or abuses animals. He would scream at our dogs when they barked and shove them away from him. Teases children until they cry. He still does this to Daughter, to my knowledge. He used to do it to me too. Does want children to eat at the table (Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a little boy with ADHD to sit at a dinner table without getting up?) or expects them to stay in their room all evening away from adults. (This was their consequence when he was annoyed with Kids.) 

11. Verbal Abuse: Abuse is not only physical. Abusers will often criticize and demean their partners.
Signs: Says cruel and hurtful things. Constantly degrades their partner. Curses. Very critical about everything. When I would complain about my job being stressful that day, he would tell me he thought it was time for me to think about finding another job. It was scary because I like my job...I just need to vent sometimes.

13. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: This is a reference to a fictional character that had both a "good" and "evil" side.
Signs: Sudden changes in mood, a "roller coaster of emotions." Explosiveness. One-minute the abuser is nice and the next minute there is an explosion. I never, ever knew what I was going to get when he walked though the door.

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: Used as a punishment, to terrorize and threaten the partner into submission.
Signs: We were outside in the backyard arguing once and he started tearing the wooden gate down. Kicking and pulling at it, until he tore it completely off the hinges. I liked that gate.

17. Force during an Argument: Arguments and discussions are a natural part of all relationships, but force or restraint changes an ordinary argument into possible abuse.
Signs: Cornering partner against a wall. He would back me into a space where I felt trapped and couldn't get out. I've talked in previous posts about him following me all over while I try to get him out of my personal space.

So those are some warning signs that I had and didn't see for what they were. How would I have known? I didn't even know I was being abused.

A Thought For Sunday

Denial is how I survived for two decades. 

No more.

What Is Domestic Abuse?

I did some research regarding a restraining order recently, as well as domestic abuse. I put down the information here as it pertains to me in particular, gleaned from this site, so I can refer back to it if I need to. 

Please feel free to click the link to see if any of the items pertain to you...there is much more there than I have included here.

This is not by any means all of what domestic violence is, but how it pertains to me and the relationship I am desperately trying to sever.

Abuse and violence are learned behaviors, and as such, can be unlearned. People who are abusive are responsible for their behavior and should be held accountable for their actions by the legal and judicial systems, media, friends, family, co-workers and communities.

Domestic violence entails the use of many types of abuse to obtain power and maintain control over an intimate partner. In many abusive relationships, physical violence may be only one part of the abuse, and may even be rare.

• Fear—It is important that the domestic violence victims’ fears not be minimized. If a victim decides to leave an abusive relationship, safety planning should be conducted.
• Lack of Support—Domestic violence victims often lack support systems.
• Finances—As a result of the abuse, victims are often economically dependent on their abusers. This is particularly true for victims with children. Economic realities often trap victims in violent relationships.
• Children—Even after a separation, abusers continue to use children to maintain power and control over victims and inflict further harm.
• Fear—It is important that the domestic violence victims’ fears not be minimized. If a victim decides to leave an abusive relationship, safety planning should be conducted.
• Lack of Support—Domestic violence victims often lack support systems.
• Finances—As a result of the abuse, victims are often economically dependent on their abusers. This is particularly true for victims with children. Economic realities often trap victims in violent relationships.
• Children—Even after a separation, abusers continue to use children to maintain power and control over victims and inflict further harm.
• Promises of Reform—Abusers often promise the abuse will never happen again, they will seek assistance, and they will change.
• Screen your calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, or other incidents involving the abuser.
• Change locks if the abuser has a key.
• Screen your calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, or other incidents involving the abuser.
• Change locks if the abuser has a key.

What is Domestic Violence? Domestic violence is a range of behaviors used to establish power or exert control by one intimate partner over the other. The range of behaviors can include psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual, and physical abuse, as well as stalking and threatening behaviors.

Who are abusers?

Like victims, domestic violence abusers come from all backgrounds. However, abusers do share some characteristics in that they tend to justify their abusive behaviors, fail to take responsibility for the abuse and use similar tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners.

Abusers typically present a different personality outside of their relationship than they do to their intimate partner, which complicates victims' ability to describe their experience and seek assistance.

Children Exposed to Domestic Violence

Children who witness or are exposed to domestic violence are at greater risk for a number of health and behavioral concerns. They are often present during abuse, and are physically injured as a result of domestic violence. People who abuse their partners are very likely to also abuse children in the home.

Types of Abuse

• Legal abuse – dragging out legal/custody proceedings
• Stalking – calling, harassing, leaving messages, unwanted e-mails and phone calls
• Economic abuse – harassing someone at work

Abuse may occur frequently or infrequently, but in most cases it tends to escalate over time. Without intervention, domestic violence generally increases, and can lead to serious injuries and death.

Barriers to Leaving Victims of domestic violence usually make repeated and sustained efforts to secure safety for themselves and their children, but many face barriers which impede their safety and security:

• Love for Partner or Spouse—Most people enter a relationship for love, and that emotion does not simply disappear easily or in the face of difficulty.

Does your partner:

• Continually criticize you?
• Put you down in front of other people, humiliate you
• Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family, or limit your outside involvement?
• Make you afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even denies doing it?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be involved in a relationship that is abusive. If there is something about your relationship that scares you, seek help.

I have the right to live without fear of abuse, oppression or the threat of violence. I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. And I have the right to control my own life.

If you have left an abusive relationship: Change your phone number, and remind friends, family and your employer not to give it out.

• If you have to meet your partner, do so in a public place.
• Notify school and work contacts.

Sexual Abuse

I was reading this article about "Intimate Partner Sexual Abuse" and it triggered me. I started remembering events I had not thought about for a long time, or outright forgotten. Most of them because they are just too humiliating and painful to remember.

It makes me sick and angry to think about it now.

Among the things I forgot:

Whenever we had the chance to go out together on a date, he would always plan for us to go somewhere and drink. Whether it was dinner or a bar, or both, I would jump on the bandwagon and self medicate. I know that now. I always wanted to get at least buzzed, because I knew he wanted me to dress sexy so he could show me off to other men. He'd whisper in my ear all evening about that guy or this guy we'd see while we were out. Would you do him? Would you let him do things to you? Getting drunk was the defense mechanism I came up with so I could do what he wanted me to do. So I could pretend with him when we were out. The price for being taken out was to act for him.

He once took me out to dinner for my birthday, and then to a "surprise" location. It turned out to be a sex club. I was embarrassed, offended, hurt, and outraged the whole time we were there. I realize now that my agitated state was a prolonged anxiety attack. I was terrified he'd talk me into doing something I didn't want to do, like have sex with a random man in there for the whole goddamned place to see. That's what he liked. Watching me with other men. It's not that I have anything against sex clubs at all, or voyeurism in theory. I was hurt that he took me there. It wasn't for me, it was for him. Every present he ever gave me was something he wanted to give me, somewhere he wanted to go, or something he wanted me to have, or wear. It was never something I would have asked for, and he never asked me what I wanted.

He would make demeaning remarks about women, particularly if he thought they were unattractive. He'd be watching television and would pause so he could show me some woman and describe to me why he thought she was unattractive, and call her names and make jokes. Incidentally, he made racial remarks about the people on TV as well.

He would watch me undress and make sexual noises or remarks, stare and act goofy, or alternately he'd say, "We need to join a gym."  It was 'ok', because he said WE. I hated undressing in front of him and I'm working on being comfortable in my skin again. 

He would make sexual jokes about what we'd done in private, or about my body, in public where our friends and strangers could hear.

If he was mad at me he would withhold affection. He would shun me. 

He'd grab at me if I was near him, grabbing my breasts or ass, or patting me on the ass ever time he walked by me. I felt like a piece of meat and it's one of the reasons I get so scared when someone comes up behind me.

Every time his birthday would come around, he'd ask me what I was going to do for him sexually for his present. He was always hinting at things he wanted to do, like take me somewhere where he'd read about a group of men that would gang bang your wife if you brought them, and he could watch, or to visit a friend of ours to have a threesome, or to meet a couple that were strangers so the men could swap wives. He was always researching what he'd like to do with me, then bring it up on holidays or our anniversary . It got to the point where I would dread holidays and trips with him.

He was always trying to talk me into letting him take nude pictures of me, or film me naked.

If I wanted a back rub, a hug, or some other affectionate touching, he'd say he'd do it in exchange for sex or he would just grope me until we ended up having sex. Because I wanted to be touched I'd agree. It felt like rape.

He'd ask me to perform sexual acts during sex that he wanted, and when I tried to initiate or do something I'd like, he would lose interest and move me around so that he was getting what he wanted again. He thought that if he made me come, then I had a good time. He did learn how to make me come quickly after all the years we were together, but if I didn't come before he did, he'd be sound asleep. Snoring while I blinked, wondering how I ended up feeling like a whore again. He wanted power and control during sex, and really, all the time. If I initiated he'd turn me down 50% of the time, unless I did something I knew he'd like...acting or dressing like a whore. I eventually stopped initiating, and then  he complained about always having to initiate sex himself.

Why couldn't it just be he and I, enjoying each other? Why did there have to be numerous imaginary men to get him off? It's weird because I never really thought it was me that was the problem during sex. I had that going for me. But his sense of shame afterwards always made me feel horrible. I knew he needed to fantasize and be in control to get off.

I was a whore for him. He made me feel sexually violated, even though he never forced me.

I thought that these were just things we dealt with as a couple. I never realized it was sexual abuse.

Shunned

Ex pointed out polyamory to me and said, "Let's try it."

(Please note that I am an introvert and that there is a mythbusting list about introverts along the sidebar of my blog for your perusal, if you are interested.)

I couldn't do it yet. It was too foreign to the way I'd learned to love, though I grew up with a very open minded "alternative" family, I essentially didn't trust people (particularly men, for obvious reasons), and I just wasn't comfortable with the idea. I read the copy of, "The Ethical Slut", he gave me and we talked. (Incidentally, I recommend this book to anyone who is considering any "alternative" relationship. It's a great book. Very freeing.) And talked. And talked. And worked out the (his) agreements (rules) that would make it work for us (him). After we figured is all out in a way that would work for both of us (I could put 'him' every single time I say 'us', but I think you get my point.), I started to realize that I wasn't living the way I wanted to live. I wasn't being treated the way I wanted to be treated, and the rules weren't working for me anymore. 

Again, he shot himself in the foot.

I could only talk to him about adjusting the agreements (Really they should ebb and flow to suit a couple's feelings and needs as you go along.) to a certain extent, and then he drew a line in the sand at the beginning of last summer. Problem was I had already been seeing my boyfriend, now partner, for a year. There was no way in blue hell I was going to give up that man. No fucking way. He is the best man that has EVER walked into my life, treats me better than I treat myself, and I intend to spend the rest of mine with him. At that time I had a yet unvoiced feeling that this was to be true and I was not going to give in on this point. Not for ex who had finally made his huge mistake. He coerced me into an open marriage lifestyle and inadvertently showed me a world of kindness, tenderness, caring, respect, and love that I didn't have with him. That I had never really had with any man. Even in the beginning when he was wooing me.

So. Back to the line in the sand he drew: I screamed at him during a huge argument we had outside on the side of the house where the kids couldn't hear us. I had snapped and was at the breaking point. He kept trying to walk away from me, and he kept looking over the fence to see if strangers were in the park next to our house listening to us. He was always more concerned about what people think than the people he was supposed to love. I told him I'd give us the summer to come up with a solution that would work for both of us.

Never, at any point, did he consider changing one behavior/rule, nor did he open up to discussing anything with me that wavered beyond the line he drew. My reaction told him that he was losing control of me. He was fighting hard to let me know that I was being irrational, that I should calm down, and see that he was right if I would only LISTEN just like I always had.

I wonder now if I usually gave in because I couldn't win. He was accustomed to talking me around in circles, into the ground until I relented. There was only so much criticism and negativity I could take before I started to believe that it's ME that was the problem.

In fact, he'd completely 'forgotten' that he'd drawn that line in the sand or that I'd given him that ultimatum when the end of summer rolled around.

I filed for divorce the second week of September.

The following post was written in my private blog to ex one year ago spring. I never showed him my private posts, but I did my best to tell him how I felt on those rare occasions when he consented to grant me an audience, and this was also the gist of our argument that spring day:

"You don't trust me to do what's right for the family. I feel like you're the family police and that I'm a bad person you have to protect the kids from.

I'm upset because you say what I/we are doing is wrong and I don't agree. It's a lifestyle choice and I finally feel like I've found my niche. Loving people makes me so much happier than I ever was. I wish you felt the same.

I feel angry because I have to ask permission, and you have to be in the perfect frame of mind for me to ask. And yes, it is permission. Because if I don't talk to you about it, it's not the poly life I want to lead. I want to be able to say, 'name' has a group of poly friends who get together on Wed nights for drinks and I want you to say, oh cool! Go have fun! Or, let's go!

I feel sad because I'm trapped by your moods and whims. If it's your idea you want it and if it's my idea YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I want to be able to turn to you at any moment and show you how I feel and tell you what I'm thinking. I want to tell you how I feel without you shutting me down.

I feel anxious because I want to break free and do whatever I want whenever I want.

I feel upset because I want to see the marriage counselor again and talk to him about our open marriage. I want to go to a weekend workshop and learn how to talk to each other again.

(Incidently, the marriage counselor heard Ex out during the last session we ended up having with him, then turned to me and said, "It sounds like you have some choices to make." That phrase rocked me back on my heels. For the first time I realized that I DID have a choice, and that's what started me seriously thinking about leaving Ex again, and making it stick. The irony that this did not occur to me until a man put the idea into my head has not escaped me, but he was a neutral party and was supporting me.)

I want you to hear me. I want you to listen to me. I want to you accept me for what I am, support me, accept that this is how I want to live, and I want you to be a part of it. I want you to be my willing primary partner. I want to feel like a grown up with valid feelings, needs and wants, and to have you support me and be ok with it.

I want you to figure out why you think it's dirty and wrong, and why you keep wanting to do it then feel like you're drowning in shame immediately after you come, so we can work on turning that around. 

(Do you have any idea how upsetting it is to watch the man you have been married to for 21 years lay next to you immersed in shame for the act you just shared together? To know that what you just did to please him, because he wanted it and you wanted to make him happy, torments him about how wrong and dirty it was? He refused to look at it, to discover why he felt that way, or to do anything but put it on me. If I stopped what I was 'doing' then he would be free of this guilt and shame I was making him feel...until he was horny again, then the whole cycle would start over again as if it never happened. He would stay up all night, every night, looking at porn and talking to people online in chat rooms about his kink, then come to me looking for release. I always went to bed alone. I felt like a whore, and a doormat, because I was doing everything I could stomach to please him.)

I'm excited about how relaxed and open and wonderful our life could be if we work all these things out.

I want you to accept your sexuality and mine."

Turns out he opened our marriage so he could get off: Me with other men.

I'm delving into my head to figure out if I really am comfortable being polyamorous, or if ex's sexual abuse/coercion and my needs not being met are what drove me there. 

I'm thinking that I'm just going to stop trying to put a label on what I am and how I feel, and just try to be happy and healthy.

Sexual Abuse too?! FFS

I've been reading up on sexual abuse, and it turns out ex sexually abused me too. His badgering me into sexual situations with drunk friends apparently is sexual abuse as well as coercing me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, disguised as 'trying' something to see if I'll like it. I did things for him he shouldn't have asked me to do. I let ex do things to me I didn't want him to do. I let him take pictures and film me. "It's ok, no one will ever see them except me." Except that our computer and camera were stolen when our house was robbed. Lord knows where those videos and pictures ended up. This after I'd told him about a traumatic event where an ex-boyfriend filmed me without my knowledge then showed me the tape. I erased it, I think. I had sex with ex when I didn't want to. And just for fun, ex occasionally turned me down flat when I came onto him. You know, just for kicks to keep me in my place for turning him down sometimes.