Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

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YEAH.

(There you have it.)

How To Recognize And Stop Dating A Narcissist

Originally here:

"It's pretty easy to spot the classic narcissist as defined by Merriam-Webster. Narcissism is defined as extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration.

It's a bit more complex when it's not so black and white, when the man you're dating is cleverly cloaked as the charming "nice guy." It's intoxicating to be around him. He's fun and exciting. It feels like he's your true soul connection. It's easy to lose your head and heart once you become emotionally or sexually involved.
If you learn how to spot a narcissist from the outset of a relationship, you can stop dating him right away. You won't experience the shock and heartbreak that Gina did. And soon you'll begin to attract healthier relationships into your life.

Here are six ways to recognize and stop dating a narcissist:

When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away.

When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.

When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.

He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.

He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.

His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

If he exhibits any of the above behaviors, you should get out of this relationship as soon as possible. How?
Don't make demands on him to change. He won't.

Don't nag him or play games with him, such as making him chase you by playing hard to get. These tactics will never get him to be the kind of guy with whom you can forge a healthy relationship.

Do speak to him with firm conviction. Tell him that this relationship is not working for you.

And this is crucial: walk away, never to look back and hope for reconciliation.

Sandy Weiner"

Domestic Violence Information

Empowerment

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My warning signs were as follows:

2. Controlling Behavior: At the onset of the relationship, the abuser will say that this behavior is because of concern for their partner's safety, or to guide them in good decision-making and time management.
Signs: Closely questions everything their partner does. He never allowed me to make personal decisions about the house, but my clothing and/or other things, if he didn't like my choices, we would 'discuss' why his ideas 'made more sense'. 

3. Fast Moving Relationships: Many domestic violence survivors dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or started living together.
Signs: Relationship starts like a whirlwind, "love at first sight". Excessive flattery such as "you're the only person I can talk to" and "I love you more than anyone in the world". Abusive partner may state they need someone desperately. Pressure for commitment. We moved in together after knowing each other six months.

4. Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive partners are dependent on relationships for all of their needs; this is not healthy. No relationship is perfect and no one person can realistically be there "all the time."
Signs: Expects partner to be a perfect partner/spouse, parent, lover, and friend. Expects partner to take care of everything emotionally for them. Expects their partner to perform all household tasks.

5. Isolation: The abuser tries to cut-off resources in effort to remove opportunities for escape and systems of support. Without supportive friends with which to "trouble talk" about relationships, it can be hard to recognize signs of abuse. Resources include work or school, transportation, family and friends.
Signs: He allowed me friends but he badmouthed the ones he didn't approve of, telling me in detail what he thought was wrong with them until I couldn't take it anymore and stopped seeing them; these relationships are viewed as unfaithful. Friendships are ridiculed or sabotaged. He listened in on my conversations with my family and it was difficult to speak my  mind when he was listening, so I didn't talk to them on the phone very much. Moves away from partner's family and friends. 

6. Blames Others for Problems: Abusers do not take responsibility for any negative situation; instead they will find someone else or some external factor to blame for the problem.
Signs: Mistakes are the fault the partner. Irresponsibility. Chronic unemployment. Says, "Someone is always doing me wrong" or "out to get me". Says their partner (or kids) upsets them or keeps them from concentrating. Abuser blames their partner (or kids) for practically anything and everything that goes wrong.

8. Hypersensitivity: Abusers can be extra sensitive and may explode when they suspect an attack.
Signs: Easily insulted. Claims feeling "hurt" when really feels anger. Takes the slightest set back as personal attacks. Will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are really just part of living like being asked to help with chores. He was so Sybil-like that I was constantly worried he'd blow up at any moment. I walked on eggshells 24 hours a day.

9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: Someone who punishes children and or animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. This is a red flag warning and a message that they could hurt people too.
Signs: Expects children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (always with our son, in everything). Hurts or abuses animals. He would scream at our dogs when they barked and shove them away from him. Teases children until they cry. He still does this to Daughter, to my knowledge. He used to do it to me too. Does want children to eat at the table (Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a little boy with ADHD to sit at a dinner table without getting up?) or expects them to stay in their room all evening away from adults. (This was their consequence when he was annoyed with Kids.) 

11. Verbal Abuse: Abuse is not only physical. Abusers will often criticize and demean their partners.
Signs: Says cruel and hurtful things. Constantly degrades their partner. Curses. Very critical about everything. When I would complain about my job being stressful that day, he would tell me he thought it was time for me to think about finding another job. It was scary because I like my job...I just need to vent sometimes.

13. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: This is a reference to a fictional character that had both a "good" and "evil" side.
Signs: Sudden changes in mood, a "roller coaster of emotions." Explosiveness. One-minute the abuser is nice and the next minute there is an explosion. I never, ever knew what I was going to get when he walked though the door.

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: Used as a punishment, to terrorize and threaten the partner into submission.
Signs: We were outside in the backyard arguing once and he started tearing the wooden gate down. Kicking and pulling at it, until he tore it completely off the hinges. I liked that gate.

17. Force during an Argument: Arguments and discussions are a natural part of all relationships, but force or restraint changes an ordinary argument into possible abuse.
Signs: Cornering partner against a wall. He would back me into a space where I felt trapped and couldn't get out. I've talked in previous posts about him following me all over while I try to get him out of my personal space.

So those are some warning signs that I had and didn't see for what they were. How would I have known? I didn't even know I was being abused.

I Fell Off My Horse, And It Hurt

I am much stronger than I was before I started divorce proceedings. I was also very strong to stay as long as I did, but had my head in the sand about being able to fix it and make it work,. I tried to leave Ex 6 years ago when his emotional abuse of our son was the straw that broke the camel's back. He made promises and short term changes in order to get me to stay. When I discovered that there were people out in the world who would be happy to treat me and my children with respect and kindness, wouldn't try to control my every move by gaslighting me, wouldn't emotionally and physically abuse me and our kids (mainly our son), and wouldn't treat our two kids so differently that I was terrified he was making Son's mental health issues worse, I had to get the fuck out.

It was no longer just about me and my head in the sand. It was the fact that our son threatened to kill himself when Ex was home alone with the kids, about a year ago. It was that Ex would become so furious with our son that he would shove him to the ground or into a wall, and verbally browbeat him until his self esteem was nonexistent, and I had to get them and myself away form him, as least part of the time if that was all I could manage. Abuse is really, really hard to prove, particularly if it's not physical.

And I am afraid of Ex. I am afraid of the mask of the healthy, caring, considerate husband and father that he puts on when he wants something. Which is everything.

I am afraid that some day he will snap and come for me.

Ex harassed me so much about two months ago via text that I was still shaken weeks later. I should not have engaged him but I'm tired of him, and I made the mistake of trying to reason with a controlling, abusive, unsympathetic philistine. He always starts out by putting on his mask of THE PERFECT FATHER & EX HUSBAND when he wants something and, particularly after a long period of time since we've disagreed, he  slowly slips into his current list of demands, then slips further into why I'm wrong, he's right, and why.

That last time was that he wanted me to pay him back the money he gave me and the kids in good faith, that I took in good faith, to help out before the child support kicked in. Alternately, he tells me to let him know if I ever need money. And he's pissed that I filed my taxes 'married filing separately'. and that he owes the IRS. And he says my lawyer has committed fraud and he's not signing the papers she recently mailed him until she signs something agreeing that he was right all along. (Incidentally, this is the third time we have altered papers to correct what he thinks was wrong with them.)

I don't know why I expected that my doing what he asked would be good enough for him. That my making the changes he asked me to make would satisfy him. That he would stick to his word and sign the papers like he promised if I would just resubmit them with a small change. Why would he change? He's done this to me for 21 years.

When will I learn?