Son Abusing Me?

Hard day yesterday.

I read an article about kids abusing their parents and started a hard talk with Ex and Son's therapist. Son is verbally and emotionally abusive, and borderline physically abusive to Daughter and I. Ex and I were talking about switching the custody time around so he had them Mon-Thurs and I have them Fri-Sun, except one weekend a month. With flexibility for plans and trips, etc. Ex said he was willing to manage the bulk of the homework and scheduling so Son can't fight with me about it.

I feel ashamed that I can't manage my kid and that he bullies me.

I'm going to start going to a group with a friend and coworker next week for parents who are codependent with their kids Thursday nights.

And I have a phone meeting with Son's therapist today at 1230.

We would have the regular schedule for summer time, then we decided not to change the schedule. We worry that it might make things worse. It makes Ex the bad guy and I see the kids less.

Mostly we decided against the schedule because Ex realized how much extra work he'd have...I was ready to totally rearrange my life and schedule - but both kids were so upset about the change we read them the riot act then moved on with our day.
It did go better last night at my house...a little smoother. Everyone was being careful and mindful, including me.

I don't know what the answer is. We all had a come to Jesus talk and hopefully we got through to them. Daughter's been lying to me too. Very disappointing.

Ex said he's worried that Son is on the border of becoming a delinquent...I agree. He's skipped 7 classes (the same class) and is failing PE because he doesn't change into PE clothes, get this: because he doesn't want to run before he lifts weights.

...

Seriously. Who wants to run? But wow, he's willing to take grief from his teachers and his parents just so he doesn't have to deal with things he doesn't like.

His view of the future is so skewed...I'm lost.

Hopefully the phone call with his therapist today will enlighten me.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

 :)

A new link I'm putting in the sidebar on the blog...found it in a new group in Facebook. See it here.

Have a great weekend!

YEAH.

(There you have it.)

It's Not Just Me

"LONDON — The photographs of the art dealer Charles Saatchi with his hands around the neck of his wife, the celebrity chef Nigella Lawson, look as startling now as when they were published last month. But what has happened since has been, in its way, equally unsettling."

The Narcissistic Parent

Found this here:

"Narcissists make deplorably bad parents. They are too focused on themselves to find children anything but an annoyance or a way to increase admiration and power. Many narcissists become parents either by accident or for some ill-thought out self-serving purpose.

Narcissists have two faces -- the one they wear in public, and the one they wear at home. Only those close to the narcissist have any idea there is more than one face. And the narcissist's children know best of all, because children - those who have the least power - are the ones the narcissist allows him or herself to be the least guarded around. A frequent frustration of children of narcissists is that everyone else thinks their mother or father is the most wonderful person ever, while at home their children suffer in silence with their parent's tantrums, disinterest and put-downs -- this is clearly NOT the most wonderful person if you truly know them -- not even close.

Narcissistic parents view and treat their children only as extensions or reflections of themselves. They see their children the way an advertiser sees a sign by the side of the road - as something to put their name on and use to build themselves up, or as something someone else is responsible for that they can ignore if they aren't interested. Because narcissists' families are centered around the whims and wishes of a truly self-centered parent, they are highly dysfunctional and do not allow children to question the parent or express their needs. Most narcissists treat their children badly in a few key ways -- emotional abuse, excessive parental control and parental neglect are all typical of narcissistic parents.

Narcissists cannot see their actual children and do not accept their needs. The narcissistic father who looks at his son and sees not an active, athletic little boy who is brilliantly gifted in sports and outdoor activities who needs more playtime, but an inanimate lump of clay he will shape into a doctor to brag about is just one of many examples of narcissistic parenting. (The reverse is often true as well; whatever the parent values takes priority.) The narcissistic mother who criticizes and hides behind a veneer of martyrdom when her child needs her support is another common manifestation of a narcissistic parent. Narcissists typically treat their children as if they're not good enough, and yet when the child does do well, the parent will either ignore and deny the event or take all the credit for it. (A common exception to the general rule of being treated as inferior is the treatment of the family "golden child", whom the narcissistic parent will treat as exceptional, superior and entitled.)

It's not uncommon for narcissists to be somewhat more agreeable as parents when their children are younger and easier to control. Many children of narcissistic parents report that their parents weren't as emotionally abusive when the children were young preschoolers - or were pre-adolescents. Some narcissists pay plenty of attention to small children, who make excellent captive audiences that narcissists find fun to impress and manipulate, only to completely turn away from (or turn against) those same children in later years. However, some narcissists dislike all children on the whole and have no interest in them at any age. To these narcissists, all children are viewed as nothing but an annoyance. Narcissists don't like to be questioned and don't want to deal with children who can stand up for themselves. It's common for some narcissistic parents to become more abusive toward their children when the children reach the age of reason (about 7 years old) or when the children enter into puberty, which many of these parents find very psychologically threatening.

Adult children of narcissists typically describe their parents as mean, phony, self-absorbed, judgmental, dishonest, immature and manipulative.

Some narcissistic parents are controlling and engulf their children. Others simply ignore their children and wish they would go away. However, all narcissistic parents fail to treat their children as authentic individuals who have their own unique characteristics and needs. Narcissists treat their children as mere blank screens for projecting their own internal "movies" onto.

There are narcissistic parents who deny their children's existence by insisting their children be and do what THEY want, and there are those who deny their children's existence by simply ignoring their children altogether. (Many narcissistic parents do both alternately, depending on which circumstances serve them best.)"

When I let Ex know what Son's grades were (fucking fantastic for a young man who has a visual processing disorder, ADHD, depression, and oppositional defiant disorder) he peppered me with questions, and each time he shot another one at me I became more and more angry. Do you know how hard it was for Son to get all that work done? He got a low progress report, then he busted his behind (with me helping him schedule tutors and teachers) to get the unfinished work finished and the points made up to earn enough points to get a C, two B's, and FIVE A's!!! 

FIVE!

I am so proud I could bust.

All Ex said after the peppering was, 'In two weeks he went from D's, C's, and a B to these grades? I wish school had been that easy when I was a kid.'

ASS. HOLE. What he meant was, they are letting Son slide through and he doesn't work as hard or as well as he should. DOESN'T WORK HARD and SHOULD, being the key words.

My heart breaks that I can't protect son from his negativity and unfairness, and most of all his control.

Ex shows his true character again.

Negativity Screws Up Everything

I'm heading out of town for a week to spend much anticipated time with good friends and family, so there won't be many posts while I'm gone unless I think of something I'd like to write about while I'm vegging. I've queued a few for the weekend but it might be sparse until the week after.

I appreciate you reading my posts. Please know that I enjoy writing them for others to read (and my healing) and perhaps you'll feel you're not alone. It helped/s me a lot to reach out to people who'd been abused as well.

Remember that positivity and self love is very important.

Take Care Of Yourself!

I Understand How You Feel

I hope you're enjoying your weekend!

How To Recognize And Stop Dating A Narcissist

Originally here:

"It's pretty easy to spot the classic narcissist as defined by Merriam-Webster. Narcissism is defined as extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration.

It's a bit more complex when it's not so black and white, when the man you're dating is cleverly cloaked as the charming "nice guy." It's intoxicating to be around him. He's fun and exciting. It feels like he's your true soul connection. It's easy to lose your head and heart once you become emotionally or sexually involved.
If you learn how to spot a narcissist from the outset of a relationship, you can stop dating him right away. You won't experience the shock and heartbreak that Gina did. And soon you'll begin to attract healthier relationships into your life.

Here are six ways to recognize and stop dating a narcissist:

When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away.

When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.

When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.

He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.

He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.

His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

If he exhibits any of the above behaviors, you should get out of this relationship as soon as possible. How?
Don't make demands on him to change. He won't.

Don't nag him or play games with him, such as making him chase you by playing hard to get. These tactics will never get him to be the kind of guy with whom you can forge a healthy relationship.

Do speak to him with firm conviction. Tell him that this relationship is not working for you.

And this is crucial: walk away, never to look back and hope for reconciliation.

Sandy Weiner"

What Do Survivors Of Abuse Want?

A list of things survivors of abuse want:

1. To be left alone.

The end.

Domestic Violence Information

Empowerment

(click it)

My warning signs were as follows:

2. Controlling Behavior: At the onset of the relationship, the abuser will say that this behavior is because of concern for their partner's safety, or to guide them in good decision-making and time management.
Signs: Closely questions everything their partner does. He never allowed me to make personal decisions about the house, but my clothing and/or other things, if he didn't like my choices, we would 'discuss' why his ideas 'made more sense'. 

3. Fast Moving Relationships: Many domestic violence survivors dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or started living together.
Signs: Relationship starts like a whirlwind, "love at first sight". Excessive flattery such as "you're the only person I can talk to" and "I love you more than anyone in the world". Abusive partner may state they need someone desperately. Pressure for commitment. We moved in together after knowing each other six months.

4. Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive partners are dependent on relationships for all of their needs; this is not healthy. No relationship is perfect and no one person can realistically be there "all the time."
Signs: Expects partner to be a perfect partner/spouse, parent, lover, and friend. Expects partner to take care of everything emotionally for them. Expects their partner to perform all household tasks.

5. Isolation: The abuser tries to cut-off resources in effort to remove opportunities for escape and systems of support. Without supportive friends with which to "trouble talk" about relationships, it can be hard to recognize signs of abuse. Resources include work or school, transportation, family and friends.
Signs: He allowed me friends but he badmouthed the ones he didn't approve of, telling me in detail what he thought was wrong with them until I couldn't take it anymore and stopped seeing them; these relationships are viewed as unfaithful. Friendships are ridiculed or sabotaged. He listened in on my conversations with my family and it was difficult to speak my  mind when he was listening, so I didn't talk to them on the phone very much. Moves away from partner's family and friends. 

6. Blames Others for Problems: Abusers do not take responsibility for any negative situation; instead they will find someone else or some external factor to blame for the problem.
Signs: Mistakes are the fault the partner. Irresponsibility. Chronic unemployment. Says, "Someone is always doing me wrong" or "out to get me". Says their partner (or kids) upsets them or keeps them from concentrating. Abuser blames their partner (or kids) for practically anything and everything that goes wrong.

8. Hypersensitivity: Abusers can be extra sensitive and may explode when they suspect an attack.
Signs: Easily insulted. Claims feeling "hurt" when really feels anger. Takes the slightest set back as personal attacks. Will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are really just part of living like being asked to help with chores. He was so Sybil-like that I was constantly worried he'd blow up at any moment. I walked on eggshells 24 hours a day.

9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: Someone who punishes children and or animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. This is a red flag warning and a message that they could hurt people too.
Signs: Expects children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (always with our son, in everything). Hurts or abuses animals. He would scream at our dogs when they barked and shove them away from him. Teases children until they cry. He still does this to Daughter, to my knowledge. He used to do it to me too. Does want children to eat at the table (Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a little boy with ADHD to sit at a dinner table without getting up?) or expects them to stay in their room all evening away from adults. (This was their consequence when he was annoyed with Kids.) 

11. Verbal Abuse: Abuse is not only physical. Abusers will often criticize and demean their partners.
Signs: Says cruel and hurtful things. Constantly degrades their partner. Curses. Very critical about everything. When I would complain about my job being stressful that day, he would tell me he thought it was time for me to think about finding another job. It was scary because I like my job...I just need to vent sometimes.

13. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: This is a reference to a fictional character that had both a "good" and "evil" side.
Signs: Sudden changes in mood, a "roller coaster of emotions." Explosiveness. One-minute the abuser is nice and the next minute there is an explosion. I never, ever knew what I was going to get when he walked though the door.

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: Used as a punishment, to terrorize and threaten the partner into submission.
Signs: We were outside in the backyard arguing once and he started tearing the wooden gate down. Kicking and pulling at it, until he tore it completely off the hinges. I liked that gate.

17. Force during an Argument: Arguments and discussions are a natural part of all relationships, but force or restraint changes an ordinary argument into possible abuse.
Signs: Cornering partner against a wall. He would back me into a space where I felt trapped and couldn't get out. I've talked in previous posts about him following me all over while I try to get him out of my personal space.

So those are some warning signs that I had and didn't see for what they were. How would I have known? I didn't even know I was being abused.

What Is Domestic Abuse?

I did some research regarding a restraining order recently, as well as domestic abuse. I put down the information here as it pertains to me in particular, gleaned from this site, so I can refer back to it if I need to. 

Please feel free to click the link to see if any of the items pertain to you...there is much more there than I have included here.

This is not by any means all of what domestic violence is, but how it pertains to me and the relationship I am desperately trying to sever.

Abuse and violence are learned behaviors, and as such, can be unlearned. People who are abusive are responsible for their behavior and should be held accountable for their actions by the legal and judicial systems, media, friends, family, co-workers and communities.

Domestic violence entails the use of many types of abuse to obtain power and maintain control over an intimate partner. In many abusive relationships, physical violence may be only one part of the abuse, and may even be rare.

• Fear—It is important that the domestic violence victims’ fears not be minimized. If a victim decides to leave an abusive relationship, safety planning should be conducted.
• Lack of Support—Domestic violence victims often lack support systems.
• Finances—As a result of the abuse, victims are often economically dependent on their abusers. This is particularly true for victims with children. Economic realities often trap victims in violent relationships.
• Children—Even after a separation, abusers continue to use children to maintain power and control over victims and inflict further harm.
• Fear—It is important that the domestic violence victims’ fears not be minimized. If a victim decides to leave an abusive relationship, safety planning should be conducted.
• Lack of Support—Domestic violence victims often lack support systems.
• Finances—As a result of the abuse, victims are often economically dependent on their abusers. This is particularly true for victims with children. Economic realities often trap victims in violent relationships.
• Children—Even after a separation, abusers continue to use children to maintain power and control over victims and inflict further harm.
• Promises of Reform—Abusers often promise the abuse will never happen again, they will seek assistance, and they will change.
• Screen your calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, or other incidents involving the abuser.
• Change locks if the abuser has a key.
• Screen your calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, or other incidents involving the abuser.
• Change locks if the abuser has a key.

What is Domestic Violence? Domestic violence is a range of behaviors used to establish power or exert control by one intimate partner over the other. The range of behaviors can include psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual, and physical abuse, as well as stalking and threatening behaviors.

Who are abusers?

Like victims, domestic violence abusers come from all backgrounds. However, abusers do share some characteristics in that they tend to justify their abusive behaviors, fail to take responsibility for the abuse and use similar tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners.

Abusers typically present a different personality outside of their relationship than they do to their intimate partner, which complicates victims' ability to describe their experience and seek assistance.

Children Exposed to Domestic Violence

Children who witness or are exposed to domestic violence are at greater risk for a number of health and behavioral concerns. They are often present during abuse, and are physically injured as a result of domestic violence. People who abuse their partners are very likely to also abuse children in the home.

Types of Abuse

• Legal abuse – dragging out legal/custody proceedings
• Stalking – calling, harassing, leaving messages, unwanted e-mails and phone calls
• Economic abuse – harassing someone at work

Abuse may occur frequently or infrequently, but in most cases it tends to escalate over time. Without intervention, domestic violence generally increases, and can lead to serious injuries and death.

Barriers to Leaving Victims of domestic violence usually make repeated and sustained efforts to secure safety for themselves and their children, but many face barriers which impede their safety and security:

• Love for Partner or Spouse—Most people enter a relationship for love, and that emotion does not simply disappear easily or in the face of difficulty.

Does your partner:

• Continually criticize you?
• Put you down in front of other people, humiliate you
• Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family, or limit your outside involvement?
• Make you afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even denies doing it?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be involved in a relationship that is abusive. If there is something about your relationship that scares you, seek help.

I have the right to live without fear of abuse, oppression or the threat of violence. I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. And I have the right to control my own life.

If you have left an abusive relationship: Change your phone number, and remind friends, family and your employer not to give it out.

• If you have to meet your partner, do so in a public place.
• Notify school and work contacts.

I Fell Off My Horse, And It Hurt

I am much stronger than I was before I started divorce proceedings. I was also very strong to stay as long as I did, but had my head in the sand about being able to fix it and make it work,. I tried to leave Ex 6 years ago when his emotional abuse of our son was the straw that broke the camel's back. He made promises and short term changes in order to get me to stay. When I discovered that there were people out in the world who would be happy to treat me and my children with respect and kindness, wouldn't try to control my every move by gaslighting me, wouldn't emotionally and physically abuse me and our kids (mainly our son), and wouldn't treat our two kids so differently that I was terrified he was making Son's mental health issues worse, I had to get the fuck out.

It was no longer just about me and my head in the sand. It was the fact that our son threatened to kill himself when Ex was home alone with the kids, about a year ago. It was that Ex would become so furious with our son that he would shove him to the ground or into a wall, and verbally browbeat him until his self esteem was nonexistent, and I had to get them and myself away form him, as least part of the time if that was all I could manage. Abuse is really, really hard to prove, particularly if it's not physical.

And I am afraid of Ex. I am afraid of the mask of the healthy, caring, considerate husband and father that he puts on when he wants something. Which is everything.

I am afraid that some day he will snap and come for me.

Ex harassed me so much about two months ago via text that I was still shaken weeks later. I should not have engaged him but I'm tired of him, and I made the mistake of trying to reason with a controlling, abusive, unsympathetic philistine. He always starts out by putting on his mask of THE PERFECT FATHER & EX HUSBAND when he wants something and, particularly after a long period of time since we've disagreed, he  slowly slips into his current list of demands, then slips further into why I'm wrong, he's right, and why.

That last time was that he wanted me to pay him back the money he gave me and the kids in good faith, that I took in good faith, to help out before the child support kicked in. Alternately, he tells me to let him know if I ever need money. And he's pissed that I filed my taxes 'married filing separately'. and that he owes the IRS. And he says my lawyer has committed fraud and he's not signing the papers she recently mailed him until she signs something agreeing that he was right all along. (Incidentally, this is the third time we have altered papers to correct what he thinks was wrong with them.)

I don't know why I expected that my doing what he asked would be good enough for him. That my making the changes he asked me to make would satisfy him. That he would stick to his word and sign the papers like he promised if I would just resubmit them with a small change. Why would he change? He's done this to me for 21 years.

When will I learn?