Frustrating!

I KNOW Son can do more than I sometimes give him credit for; that I need to believe in him. And I do! I do! I'm his biggest damned advocate and have been since he was born. 

I know I'm also overprotective.

We grew up together; I learned how to raise children with my special needs child. I sometimes look at Daughter as an adult because she is so different, and I know that's not fair to her. She's four years younger and tries really hard to be patient and understand why he's such a squeaky wheel and gets more attention. I also try to acknowledge her for it. Often.

Son wants to be home schooled like his BFF, but Ex says Son needs the socialization of his public school. We have often differed in what to do for Son, and how to raise him. I tend to coddle him, and Ex tends to be a drill sergeant.

I'd do anything to help him find his place in the world and his self esteem. He is not a boy/man that thrives in big groups.

He spent a good part of the weekend with party guests taking breaks alone. Partner got him out on the Ultimate Frisbee field to play with his pickup team, and Son lasted a few minutes before he declared his foot hurt. He also asked why Partner was yelling at him, and since another sensitive boy who was there asked Partner NOT to yell at him, I know that it's just THE DAD VOICE partner has sometimes when he's trying to organize a group of kids/people. I explained that to them and everyone felt better...Partner thought it was amusing and pointed out the they weren't likely to hear that voice from him anywhere else.

I'm thrilled because Son went out and tried. That is HUGE. I am fortunate that Partner understands my need for a positive role model for Son as well as occasional help. He'll do things for Partner (so far) that he won't do for me.

I'll take it. 

Son is more like me in that he needs/wants to be solitary sometimes. He played with everyone at the party and had a good time, but the lack of routine and knowing what would happen next has always disturbed him.

No matter what I do, Son is son and I have to help him find the path that works for him. Not what his father would like him to be...and for the record, I wouldn't change him one bit, unless I could do something to make life easier for him.

Which reminds me...when my brother came out of the closet (we were in high school) my mother cried. She explained to him that it was not because he is gay, it's because his life was going to be harder.

That's how I feel about Son. I love him. I love the way he is. I love that he just wants to be loved and make people laugh. He wants acceptance and to be comfortable. 

Isn't that what we all want?

The issue is, often it takes different circumstances to give him that comfort and acceptance.

If he was home schooled (charter schools here where he can go in once a week and do his work at home) he'd be in an environment with other kids like him. There would be socialization and more potential for good friendships in an atmosphere that is understanding, rather than being silent in public school for fear that someone will judge him and compare him to the other kids who don't appear to have social and school trouble like him.

He has friends, just not many in his public school.

I don't know what's right for him. He's more like me, and people don't GET that. His dad thinks I'm holding him back. Putting labels on him. 

I have labels dammit! Depression! Learning disability! Social anxiety! Codependent! ADD! Where do I draw the line between trying to make people understand and labeling him?! Argh.

For the record: his dad and I are great at co-parenting. I don't have (many) complaints. He loves them.I respect his opinion because he does his best just like I try to do

....and labeling myself. I'm not ashamed of my mental health.

However, I think Son will most likely stay in public school because Ex and I have to agree for Son to change his education plan. Ex stopped responding to my emails about Home Schooling and changed the subject.

Story of my life with him.

"On Labeling Women Crazy"

Someday, hopefully, I can be the cat.

A friend of mine posted this article, and it hit a nerve because I read it some time ago when I was going through a similar situation with Ex. I wrote about it here. The difference, I explained to my friend, was that, "he said he loved me, and he was occasionally but rarely there. After ten years I was done. It became my fault in the eyes of everyone, except the few I shared with, after all. It's a powerful article.", "Also, I should add, there was more going on and he never said he was leaving. He expected our lives to just continue that way indefinitely."

Sharing with her triggered me into coming here and reading some of my past posts. I mentioned to her that, "This article pretty much sums up why I'm divorced.", and sent her a link to this blog, which terrifies me. It always does when I "come out" to someone who knew me back then because this blog is the essence of my anger and pain when I was getting divorced. It doesn't matter how strongly I felt when I was writing in anger or tears, it's still terrifying to tell someone about it. It's raw, and it's there, and it's real. More ME than anything I ever said out loud, although now it's a past me, and I'm moving on in a healthy way.

I loved her, and I still do, though I haven't seen her in a very long time, and I worry how she will react to reading all this. As I've said before, the only thing I can control is how I feel and how I react.

 
This blog is creeping out into the world more and more as I reveal it to people I knew then, and Ex and I are tentatively moving toward friendship as time passes so I'd like him to never see this - though having it here, there is always a chance that he will. 

If he does, he does. 

I am able to see glimpses of the man I liked and cared for, and it makes it easier to make peace, forgive, and move on.

I Wrote This A Year Ago Today, Getting Ready For Burning Man 2012

"Burning Man 2012- i plan to leave my family at home and go with my boyfriend and a bunch of good, poly friends…i’m going to be the purest form of ME…which i don’t get to be in my world, except when i’m with my brother alone, and that is a rare occasion :) In my codependent mind that sounds selfish…but for those who really know me, you’ll understand that at the fabulous, coming-out age of 43, I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone and take my life by the reins - make it more of what i need it to be. as the mom of a child with a learning disability, ADHD, depression, an inspiring dog whisperer and loving boy, the wife of a husband with ADHD and depression, who is the love of my life, and, interestingly, the mother of a brilliantly bright, goofy, beautiful little girl, from an alternative family, and working for a non-profit, very little of my world is solely about me. i take some time to take care of myself here and there, but not nearly enough. and i’ve never been on a trip like this: out into the unknown with a group of friends...just for a little while: not mother, not wife, not sister, not daughter, not alpha female (in my house, i have to be - it’s self defense… :) …just a lover who likes to laugh, who wants to explore her boundaries and her friends, and the heart and soul of her boyfriend…just for a week…i also think it would be a wonderful opportunity to work on some of my issues like: accepting gifts and shyness…my introversion…can you really be an introvert surrounded by all that wonderful self expression? i’m going to try like hell not to be :)"

That poor, sad, scared woman with her head in the sand. What a grand adventure she went on. And what an adventure she's had...

It's Not Just Me

"LONDON — The photographs of the art dealer Charles Saatchi with his hands around the neck of his wife, the celebrity chef Nigella Lawson, look as startling now as when they were published last month. But what has happened since has been, in its way, equally unsettling."

New and Ugly?

A friend asked me a while back, "Did something new and ugly happen, or is this just processing the last 21 years?", about starting the blog. I said, "Mostly processing...and a lot of people's reactions when I talk to them about what's been going on. People's jaws have been hitting the floor."

It made me realize just how fucked up my thinking was when I was in the middle of it. I didn't even realize I'd been abused until I filed for divorce, he moved out, and I started to look at it from a distance.

And when I started talking to other people about what had been happening.

I just knew I had to get out. My hairdresser (and friend) said we can't see it when we're in the middle of it, whether it's a marriage, friendship or coworkers.

I thought for a minute when I read my friend's email and realized that something DID happen. People's reactions happened. They took me by surprise. They were/are shocked. Their mouths make O's. Their eyes open wide.

"He did WHAT?!"

Wow. How could I have thought that was an ok way to live?

Coming Out

I came out to my mother a few months ago when I was visiting her. The first visit to my family since I started divorce proceedings as well. She knew something was up because my boyfriend's, now partner's, name has been popping up on Facebook for the last two years, albeit innocently, because I had in laws and my ex-husband to think about at the time, as well as my son.

My ex-husband asked me not to tell anyone anything about my being poly because essentially he was ashamed of me, and himself. He was trying valiantly (he said) to 'understand' me and how I view and feel about love. In fact, he was the one who gave me my copy of The Ethical Slut before I even knew what poly was.

It was painful for me to spend time with my mom, my brother, and his partner, as well as my children, friends, and a few coworkers, and not tell them about the person who had come to hold such a dear and important place in my heart. It was exhausting to hide texts, behaviors, emails, and to edit my thoughts and speech. I was experiencing anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I told myself I was doing the best thing for my family, when as it turns out, I was doing the best thing for my ex-husband. I was silent, because my ex was my primary and I tried to respect his wishes.

I slipped last summer on family vacation, not able to keep it from my brother any longer. His response? "Me too!". He floored me.

My ex was furious. His reaction to my honesty, among other behaviors when I pulled my head out of the sand, started a chain reaction of clarity and introspection in me that made me want to make some major changes in my life. Why was I living this way? Why am I sharing my life with someone who is ashamed of me and who cannot or will not support and accept me? Who asks me to hide myself from everyone so he won't be embarrassed? Who told me that it was best for everyone, including my children, and convinced me to be ashamed of myself?

My mother surprised me when I told her. Her reaction? Anger. She wasn't surprised that I had found someone so wonderful to love or that I was poly. In fact, she was excited about meeting him. She was pissed. Is pissed. She's furious that my ex kept me from telling her. Kept me from talking to her, from sharing myself with her as I always had.

I try not to mourn the 21 years I spent being emotionally abused (There is much, much more than I have said here, but that's for another post.) by someone I chose because regardless of how hard I am trying to forgive myself now, I have two beautiful children who are the most important people in my life, a partner who reminds me every day how important I am to him, a comfortable home, wonderful friends, coworkers I love, and the self confidence to share my life with supportive, loving, healthy minded people who respect me, and themselves.

For this, I am grateful.