So here I am again. I've realized that I don't come to post here much anymore because I don't have much to scream, whine, complain or cuss about. I mean I do, but there is much, much less. I don't know if I'll ever go back to posting here, but I'm leaving my options open.

I've found that in trying to keep up with my kids and friends I end up posting a good bit on Tumblr. So if you're interested, feel free to peek over there.

There's also the added bonus of real-life pictures sometimes. I'm not so afraid anymore.

Love & Light,
The Good Witch Lollipop

Dear Son,

We're doing our very best for you buddy. Hang in there. We'll get through this godforsaken school/life stigma thing...We love you.

-All of us

Tumblrer Twitterer Pinterester Instagramer...Why?!

Social networking...

I'm struggling with my fears and how much to put my story out there. I've gone back and forth for years about what, who, when, where, and why to tell my story without being discovered by Ex.

...I'm struggling, once again, with being the beneficiary of Ex's wrath.

Not to mention the people who would judge me or flat out not believe me. And they are out there...I respect the fact that Ex's family and the friends I lost in the divorce might not choose to believe what went on.

Except for that one Jackhole who texted me in the middle of the night that I was a BITCH for divorcing Ex, thus triggering a week-long anxiety attack. I don't respect him. I do, however, forgive because he has a small brain and has been hurt so badly by his ex-wife that he talks to all women that way.

We all have our karma to work out.

I've started linking some of my social networking accounts together to share my stories a little farther...I have a need, apparently. I ask that if you do see a real life name here and there, or a real life fact that leads you to find out more about me personally, or that your discover you know me AND Ex, that you use your new found information for good and not evil. :)

Why am I spreading my stories a little farther?

To help someone like me?

Revenge?

I love to write?

To get the stories out of my head, like a diary, so I can move on with my day? This, mostly.

I'm afraid Ex will see this blog and be enraged and that it will hamper our new, relaxed, best for the kids relationship.

If he does, what would I say?

I was angry?

I was hurt?

What you thought our relationship was, was not what it was for me?

I'm sorry for outing you? (Because he might choose to damage our relationship further, or take it out on the kids.)

I'm sorry for telling my truth? (I'm not. But I know how I get with him. Tell him what he wants to hear, when I'm afraid, so I can get the fuck out of dodge.)

All these reasons seem paltry next to the deep, deep fear I have about him being mad at me. About any man being mad at me.

I know that's why I haven't linked things together until now...why my blog has been anonymous.

Ask Partner about my fear of angry men, who held my hand while I shook and jumped with fear, and the tears that ran down my face while we were watching, "12 Years As A Slave". Ask the man who soothes me when I hear a loud noise and jump out of my skin. Who tells his Ex no, when she suggests something I can't emotionally handle. The man who holds me tight when my depression gets a hold of me and squeezes until I have to leave work for the day or hide in our bedroom.


I'm deciding to step farther out of my comfort zone a little more and show the world who I really am, because I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm trying to adopt the Zero Fucks Given approach, though I know there will always be things I give fucks about.

*bitch voice in head* WHAT IF THE KIDS SEE IT?!!

Then they do. They already know that my marriage to their dad was difficult and painful, and that mom's house is more relaxing than dad's. I'll answer their questions when they ask them. They are preteen/teenagers now...as for Karma Kids, they see very little media so I don't guess they'll see this any time soon, but when and if they do ask I'll answer as honestly as I can, editing for age.

At some point, I expect, all the kids will realize they have more power about where they stay than they know, and my house will be full more often.

I've put some new links down the sidebar here to some of the places I hang out when I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like working. :) There will be posts and pictures and things that won't be shown here, so if you're curious, feel free.

Social media: the escape for those who are able to utilize it.

Frustrating!

I KNOW Son can do more than I sometimes give him credit for; that I need to believe in him. And I do! I do! I'm his biggest damned advocate and have been since he was born. 

I know I'm also overprotective.

We grew up together; I learned how to raise children with my special needs child. I sometimes look at Daughter as an adult because she is so different, and I know that's not fair to her. She's four years younger and tries really hard to be patient and understand why he's such a squeaky wheel and gets more attention. I also try to acknowledge her for it. Often.

Son wants to be home schooled like his BFF, but Ex says Son needs the socialization of his public school. We have often differed in what to do for Son, and how to raise him. I tend to coddle him, and Ex tends to be a drill sergeant.

I'd do anything to help him find his place in the world and his self esteem. He is not a boy/man that thrives in big groups.

He spent a good part of the weekend with party guests taking breaks alone. Partner got him out on the Ultimate Frisbee field to play with his pickup team, and Son lasted a few minutes before he declared his foot hurt. He also asked why Partner was yelling at him, and since another sensitive boy who was there asked Partner NOT to yell at him, I know that it's just THE DAD VOICE partner has sometimes when he's trying to organize a group of kids/people. I explained that to them and everyone felt better...Partner thought it was amusing and pointed out the they weren't likely to hear that voice from him anywhere else.

I'm thrilled because Son went out and tried. That is HUGE. I am fortunate that Partner understands my need for a positive role model for Son as well as occasional help. He'll do things for Partner (so far) that he won't do for me.

I'll take it. 

Son is more like me in that he needs/wants to be solitary sometimes. He played with everyone at the party and had a good time, but the lack of routine and knowing what would happen next has always disturbed him.

No matter what I do, Son is son and I have to help him find the path that works for him. Not what his father would like him to be...and for the record, I wouldn't change him one bit, unless I could do something to make life easier for him.

Which reminds me...when my brother came out of the closet (we were in high school) my mother cried. She explained to him that it was not because he is gay, it's because his life was going to be harder.

That's how I feel about Son. I love him. I love the way he is. I love that he just wants to be loved and make people laugh. He wants acceptance and to be comfortable. 

Isn't that what we all want?

The issue is, often it takes different circumstances to give him that comfort and acceptance.

If he was home schooled (charter schools here where he can go in once a week and do his work at home) he'd be in an environment with other kids like him. There would be socialization and more potential for good friendships in an atmosphere that is understanding, rather than being silent in public school for fear that someone will judge him and compare him to the other kids who don't appear to have social and school trouble like him.

He has friends, just not many in his public school.

I don't know what's right for him. He's more like me, and people don't GET that. His dad thinks I'm holding him back. Putting labels on him. 

I have labels dammit! Depression! Learning disability! Social anxiety! Codependent! ADD! Where do I draw the line between trying to make people understand and labeling him?! Argh.

For the record: his dad and I are great at co-parenting. I don't have (many) complaints. He loves them.I respect his opinion because he does his best just like I try to do

....and labeling myself. I'm not ashamed of my mental health.

However, I think Son will most likely stay in public school because Ex and I have to agree for Son to change his education plan. Ex stopped responding to my emails about Home Schooling and changed the subject.

Story of my life with him.

10 and Not Blinding Party Goers

Partner was telling his best friend yesterday that his dad took him to see "10" (with Dudley Moore) when he was 8. He told Best Friend that he's liked big breasted women ever since, then he looks meaningfully at me.

*more than a little pride and a big grin*

On another note, this last weekend was another for EPIC BEST WEEKENDS EVER for the memory books. There is so much to tell, I'm overwhelmed with what to put first.

So I'll start with:

Daughter was opening presents in which one mom had packed "poppers"; those confetti things that have a kick in them, that are supposed to be used outside only. Daughter was so distracted and excited she shot it off right then and there.

Next thing we know, her best friend from grade school is screaming bloody murder. I shoved one kid out of the way, hard, to get at her to see if she was alright, and took control of the situation. I talked to her and kissed her forehead and soothed her until she calmed down enough to talk. I then ascertained that she was not bleeding or blind, then ushered her off to the bathroom to wash out her eye. Partner came up behind with a wet towel, which turned out was all she needed. The spark apparently landed on her eyelid and not her eyeball, thank you little tiny baby jesus.

Daughter told me this later the next night when we were checking in together after the busy weekend. I told her she might have told me that sooner! I thought her friend's mother was going to skin me, and that Daughter had blinded a party guest.

Daughter's BFFGS then proceeded to get giggly and happy again, and I texted her mom, who was not concerned because she was fine.

Thank you thank you thank you.

I came back into the room with D's BFFGS and everyone was relieved she was ok. Before we moved on with presents I got their attention and said, "Alright now, who did I shove when I was trying to get at D's BFFGS?" Karma Daughter raised her hand, grinning. Good lord. I shoved my own Karma Daughter out of the way. I also discovered my phone on the floor, which is apparently where I threw it as I shoved KD.

Sigh.

Welp, no one can say I'm not in control in a crisis. Partner did tell me later that if I was going to shove anyone, I made a good choice because KD is tough. :) I can always count on him to soothe me.

A few minutes later I discovered Son was falling apart, having been traumatized by the screaming...he is so sensitive...so much like me. I talked him down and cuddled and soothed him, as best as I could soothe a boy/man that is taller than I, and we talked it out. I told him his reaction was totally normal, as was mine, and he started crying. He felt better, and not as embarrassed as Partner came in to check in with him too, and then Son's friend drifted in...and we moved along with the party.

I took a quick breather in my room and started to fall apart myself, coming down off the adrenaline, gave myself 5 minutes, than staggered back into the fray.

It was still one of the best weekends on record, and I will post again later to tell more stories.

Have a great Monday!

New Theme And Update!

New look! I like to change with the seasons, and it's so abnormally warm here I thought I'd put some blue. Supposed to rain this week though...fingers crossed!

OH! I was going to update in the end of the last post and I forgot:

I came out of my cold/depression haze (though the stupidy cold is still there - I'm losing my voice) and I am feeling a lot better. I just upped my dose of depression meds to where I was supposed to be, and wrapped the people I love around me. That is really hard to do when you're feeling depressed, I know, but my kids are with me every other week so eventually someone is in the house that I have to take care of besides myself. Taking care of my kids makes me very happy because they are old enough now to understand when I'm feeling down and why (Son also suffers from depression, if you recall) and Daughter at the ripe age of almost 12 still (thank you tiny baby jesus) wants to cuddle with me and give me hugs and kisses. And when we are all together we mostly laugh, and argue, negotiate, laugh,  gripe, laugh, sleep, laugh, eat, laugh.

And then there is Partner and Second Daughter and Son, not to mention my friends, which just add to the abundant love that I have surrounded myself with.

I am blessed, and even when I am in the goddamned pit of depression my chemicals heap upon me from time to time, I know this.

Thank you.

I'm Happy, Dammit

I choose to be happy and to give as much as I'm able. There are some who tease me for being an optimist in every situation, and I believe, look down on me because of it. I once joked to Partner's Ex about picking up my dog's poop while walking in the park: "It keeps your hands warm when it's cold!" (Through a poop bag. I have teenagers. Nothing grosses me out anymore.) My playa name is 'The Good Witch Lollipop'. (Given to me by Partner.) 

I'd like to thank my good friend (he knows who he is), for making me believe that my laugh is shiny and wonderful.

Being positive can be emotionally exhausting, particularly when someone doesn't really SEE me. Even when I feel I've tied a knot and am hanging on to the end...it keeps me from falling into a pit of despair. 

I hate that damned pit.

I have been struggling the last few days. In response to my difficulty, I have sent an email to Partner's Ex, trying to share my deep feelings with her to see if I can deepen our relationship as well as let her know that I feel hurt. It's past time that she really see me. I'm not sure what she thinks I've been doing the last 2.5 years (falling in love with her children and deeper into it with Partner, and coming to respect and like her...dare I say love?).

I left her a voicemail once in response to something she asked me a while back, because she didn't pick up. When I saw her next, she told me she didn't listen to the whole thing because it was too long. Insulting. Power play? Maybe. I feel she has ingrained behavior that she sees differently than I do. What I see as insulting may be just her way of living her life the best way she knows how. I try to take it all with a grain of salt and move on, not worrying about it.

This is what I wrote to her, edited to protect:

"At the 'Event' I was going to read a speech I had written, because I'm afraid of public speaking. I chickened out and went BLARGH instead. I would like you to read this, if you will, because I express myself better in writing, and when I get emotional I tend to fall apart.

I'm aware that when some people look at me they see a shy, fat, stupid blond, with big boobs and not much else, and the worst mistake people usually make is underestimating my intelligence, strength, and resilience. It's easy to write me off if you don't see me. I would prefer that people look past the outside to see the empathic, loving, liberal, good witch, earth mother that I am.

I want you to see me.

It is beyond humiliating for me to try to express deep feelings then burst into tears, or to have an anxiety attack trying to say what I feel I need to say out loud. I put on a mask of calm, aloof, control and then process later in private. It's self defense when I am in situations that make me uncomfortable. It's also amusing that sometimes it pisses people off when they're angry at me.

I did not walk into your life causally without being fully aware of what I was getting into, and I have done my damnedest to be the best part of it that I can be. I do not take the responsibility of being a part of it, in particular (her and Partner's) 'daughter' and 'son', lightly, and I do not take for granted the fact that my presence may be extremely difficult for you at times.

I think it's past time that you and I have some deeper conversation, and for me to let you know that I am afraid of and don't feel safe with you. I am not saying that you did anything to make me feel that way. My family visiting me over Xmas reminded me of why I react the way I do in certain situations and why I have typically picked partners and others in my life who abuse me. I am working to trust easily, but I fear it's a long road.

The Speech:

'I would like to give thanks. I wrote this because this is how I express myself well, and public speaking is terrifying.

This year has been one of the hardest of my life. It has also been one of the most wonderful. I am finally free of my 20 year abusive marriage and have forgiven myself for staying in it so long. I regained the space I needed to be myself and to live the way I want, without fear. I am shedding the pain and anxiety that ruled my life, and am able to be fully present with my kids, with Partner, and with his and Partner's Ex's kids. I’d like to start calling (Partner's Ex and Partner's) daughter and son my Second Kids, if that’s ok with them. Between us there are four children, two houses, three dogs, one rabbit, one guinea pig, and one rat. We are a big, commingling family. I am happier now than I have ever been.

I want to thank Partner's Ex for welcoming me into her life and her home, and trusting me with her children. If she hadn't, I wouldn't be able to spend as much time up here with the people I love. I appreciate her.

When I first popped up in Second Son's life he asked me to stop teasing him, so I backed off and gave him space. I want to thank him because when he duels me with light sabers then cuddles up with me, calling me ‘Second Mom’, my heart melts.

I gave Second Daughter space from the beginning, because she’s an altogether different soul. I want to thank Second Daughter for finally grabbing my arm and dragging me into her world, trusting me enough to tell me how to dress, and for sharing herself with me.

I want to thank Friend, Friend, Friend's Daughter, and Friend's Son (some of the most wonderful people I've ever met) for including me in their circle, because their friendship has helped me open my heart again and re-learn to trust. Spending time in this safe place and being able to meet you all has helped me change my life.

My Son isn’t here this year because he's even more introverted than I am. He feels more comfortable in small groups and with familiarity. I want to thank him for teaching me that our love for each other is not always enough to keep from making each other crazy, unless you mix it with patience, humor, honesty, and trust. He feels safe enough to fight with me, his physical comedy makes me belly laugh, and he trusts me enough to ask me questions that make his conservative father's hair stand on end. His home with me is his safe place. We have been through the ringer together, and for him and the life lessons he has taught me, I am grateful.

I want to thank Daughter for lighting up my life. She snuggles with me, acts goofy to make me laugh, and hugs me when I need to be soothed. She works hard to be patient with the attention her brother often needs, and I want her to understand that I hear her, and I am trying hard to make sure she knows I love and appreciate her. Seeing such sensitivity and wacky humor all rolled up into one bouncing young woman reminds me of the person I used to be - the person I have fought so hard this year to become again. She is my best girlfriend, she is braver and smarter than I ever was at her age, and I love her to the moon and back.

I can’t express how deeply I feel about Partner. I spent most of the first year of our relationship baffled. I have never been treated the way he treats me. He has shown me unconditional love and trust. He plays with me, cooks for me, does housework, works hard at whatever task is at hand, he hears me, and he is attentive to my needs. He even remembers what I say. He is a role model for kindness and friendship. I have never been loved this deeply before or felt so comfortable being myself. When I showed him the real me he responded in kind with more charm, affection, and selflessness than I have ever been given. He is my Amorous Compatible, and I love him from the depths of my heart. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

Thank you all for hearing me."

I know you're going through some tough feelings right now and that I have a part in that.

I want you to know that I hear you, and that I'm sorry you feel hurt.

I also want you to know that I am feeling hurt by the backlash of yours. (She reacted deeply, and with difficulty to Partner telling our room full of friends that I am the love of his life. Her response has been to make his life more difficult, and to request that I stay away from their home for 'a while', so she can recover from the apparent insult. He has gritted his teeth and apologized for hurting her feelings, pointing out that this is how he feels, to keep the peace.) I feel hurt and left out, much like I did in the beginning when my relationship with Partner was more secretive about who I was, and I'm scared because I used to worry a lot about you being able to keep me from seeing Partner and your kids. 

Now I see that happening.

I also know that how I feel will eventually blow over, and hopefully you will be able to process your hurt too, but I also know that you're more in control of the situation than I am, and I feel like I'm being punished. I don't feel I did anything wrong, nor do I feel Partner did anything wrong, and my anger and frustration about the situation makes me cry.

I feel my welcome extended by you has been revoked. I know that I have given you the power to make me feel this way, and that makes me more upset. I don't want to add to your stress. I just want to be able to see your children, who I have come to love deeply, and Partner when we are able to make it happen with all of our busy schedules.

I have tried hard to stay out of your way and to be unobtrusive, to help as much as I can when I'm at your house to earn my keep and help things go smoothly, when I am emotionally able to. I have been uncomfortable sometimes, but the love and support I felt made me think it was just me making up things to worry about. Our situation is unique, and I was proud of it; proud to be part of it until I felt shunned.

That being said, I am feeling extra sensitive right now and am usually able to be stoic and stay out of it until things blow over. When it directly affects the people that I love, including you, I can't stay out or silent for long.

My hope is that opening this communication line between us will help make sure that we are all emotionally taken care of, particularly our children, in the future.

We don't need to discuss this or ever talk about it at all if you prefer not to. But know that I may write another note in the future if I have more deep feelings I want to share with you.

I hope your work party tonight goes well (that I could not join because she would be 'uncomfortable' - this is where the real hurt started) and that you have a good time, and that you enjoy your time away this weekend.

With love and light,

Me"

The end result is that today I am going up to their house to spend the weekend because she's going to be gone. I don't know how this will play out, but I will say that I am busy making plans to get myself closer to them and not too far from Kid's schools so this won't be as much of an issue. Living closer has been a dream of mine since I met Partner, and it's time I take more control of my life and make it happen.

Ex and I have talked briefly and with agreement about wanting to sell the house I live in that we co-own. We are getting along well now and hopefully we can make this happen with a minimum of difficulty.

We'll see.

Dear Asshole,

I wrote this today, while I was getting ready for work. It happened last Saturday at an event with friends where I normally feel very safe, due to the environment filled with burners. Just like anywhere else, there are assholes. Forevermore referred to as THE ASSHOLE, I have changed his name in the spirit of privacy.

"Hey THE ASSHOLE. Do you remember grabbing my ass while I was watching (my bf run his super fun game that folks love) at (event)? I do. I remember being shocked. I remember feeling violated. I remember thinking about it last night as I went to sleep because I wish I hadn't smiled at you when you did it. I remember wishing I'd punched you in the face, though I know I could never do that. Just like I can't say this to your face. Just like I couldn't not smile at you. Why I'm a victim. I'm going to try really hard to forgive you and I'll tell you why: Because you don't know that I am an abuse survivor. You don't know that I just finalized a painful divorce from my abuser. You don't know that I have two teen aged kids who I'm trying to co-parent with my abuser, and in particular a teenage daughter who I hope and wish and pray does not become a victim like me. You don't know that I work for a mental health recovery center with people who are also survivors of abuse and the results of it, among other painful mental health issues, to try to give back to all the people who have helped me in my recovery over the years. I'm going to try really hard to forgive you because somewhere in your brain you thought it was ok to put your hands on me, and I thought I'd help by letting you know that it is never, ever ok to touch anyone without consent. And that silence is not consent. I apologize for not being brave enough to say this to your face, but just typing it to you has helped me kick start the painful process of letting the abuse of my past go, again, along with the other painful memories I have. I wish you well in your recovery."

I froze when he touched me. One of my best friends, and a coworker, pointed out to me that freezing is "flight" in the fight or flight reaction.

When I was in 9th grade, a boy grabbed my ass in the hallway at school. I spun around and screamed at him at the top of my lungs.

What happened to me between there and here? Where is that strong, young girl who was able to react instantly to that violation? What the fuck?

I need to find her.

I'm afraid of what THE ASSHOLE's response is going to be. I'm afraid of what will happen in response. I'm making up stuff to worry about, I know. Probably nothing will happen but thank the tiny baby jesus I've gotten it off my chest.

Burning Man!

It's time to go home!

I know a lot of people call Burning Man home because there they can truly be themselves. Greeters even say Welcome Home! and hug you when you show up.

 Me, I feel I am myself all the time now so my home is where my kids are, and where Partner and his kids are.

Anyway, I will be away for the next week and a half, burning in the desert heat, and visiting with friends,  witnessing amazing art and music and people and dancing my way across The Playa.

Here are some great videos to give you a feel of what it's like. Contrary to popular belief, it's not a giant drug and alcohol rave in the desert. (Although there are some that come to do that.)

Hula Cam

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

El Pulpo Mechanico

Twin Serpents

Have a great week!

The report? OH! That.

Well, I was overdrawn on my account because the child support check came a week late due to, apparently, the “system being down”. (Ex's HR dept takes it from his paycheck, sends it to the child support people, who then send a check to me, that I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to get to auto deposit in my new account at for a month.) So, lesson learned: Do not budget depending on that check. CHECK. (fuckers)

I have a GIANT credit card debt that I have transferred all of the money to, with the lowest interest rate. Let’s just say I’m at the limit. I haven’t had credit card debt in 20 years. I attribute it to one income, panicky charges early in my separation process thinking I would pay them off as I go, and charges where I HAD to use it because I was learning to budget again and needed gas or food, along with impulse buys. Aside from the fuckery with my child support check this last week, I’ve been doing pretty well. I don’t get my nails done anymore, don’t get my hair colored anymore, I don’t fill my pantry and fridge with food, I just buy as I need it. I don’t shop at malls or department stores anymore, or expensive grocery stores. I don’t use the organic veggie delivery anymore. Basically, I use my money for Netflix, pets, gas, food, and an occasional kid need or treat. Or an occasional treat for myself and Partner when I can, much cheaper than the treats I used to buy myself. And the tail end of my lawyer bill. Oh, and yesterday I lowered my family plan phone payment, and I'm cutting the cable (I don't watch it) in November when the contract is up.

It was hard to get to the point where I know I don’t need very much to be happy. Money ain’t making me happy. I’m looking to my family and Partner and our kids for happy, as well as burning man, and starting to crochet and sew again. Reading novels again. Watching the movies I want to see when I’m alone. Stopping everything I’m doing and looking at and sitting next to Kids, Partner and his Kids, and my friends, giving them my full attention when they’re with me. Spending time with the dogs cuddling (except this week because I’m hormonal and that’s the only time they irritate me. This may be why I engaged Ex in a discussion when I know better. I’ve put a note on my calendar for next month about my period, with the note: DO NOT ENGAGE EX.)

I may outsmart myself.

Also, I scheduled a week of appointments at work this week when the PA was out of town. They told me about it in May, in an email. Seriously, please don’t depend on me to do anything when I’m having a midlife crisis. Last May…never mind. You all know.

The battery powered fan I ordered for our bm (for future reference: bm means Burning Man, not poop) tent was delivered yesterday, then promptly stolen from the front desk area at work (more fuckers - explainable since I work in the mental health industry) before it got to me.

Also, Ex is a nincompoop as I’ve been getting calls from the kids saying they don’t have lunch at school, or they’re going to be kicked out by Friday if they don’t get their shot records to the nurse. I asked Ex if the school knows Son has a learning disability and did they put him in special education for his core classes. His response? “I have no idea.” Stuff I’ve been scrambling to take care of because I left everything school related up to him to organized for the first time in the children’s lives. And this year they are both in brand new schools. It’s made me feel angry and resentful, and melancholy about not being there to help them on the big first day of school Monday. When I tried to, gently and kindly, talk to Ex about being sensitive to Son and take care of things like I would try to do with Kids (I didn’t say it that way. That would be just asking for trouble.) he got offended and told me I never had a father figure so don’t accuse him of being a bad father, and that if we wanted to be friends I needed to back off because he’s a good dad and I should know that. I reminded him that Son has a learning disability and a mental health diagnosis and that we need to take care in how we talk to him and guide him, just as the counselors have told us since Son was 6. Ex accused me of “putting labels” on Son and that he, Ex, doesn’t do that. 

Blah-de-blah-de-blah. Same 'ole shite.

Ex got a son with special needs instead of the son that he wanted, and I think he’s still in denial. The same argument we’ve been having for 15 years. I know better than to argue with him, it kills me that I can’t protect them from him and really, I may not need to. I just hope he’s a better father now than he was when we were married.

Ex has been peppering me with texts, day and night, all week, with everything from how I should run my house to the better benefit of Kids this school year to where I should drop Son off when I take him to school next week because it’s the best option. He’s driving me up the fucking wall.

But mixed in have been lovely moments like the bat walk tour I went on with Partner, his Daughter, and Son, Monday night, and heart-melting moments when they told me they see me as their second mom. Also, seeing a girlfriend briefly last night when I went over to load my bm stuff into another friend's truck, and Kids calling me randomly last night at 10:30pm to ask me what my middle name was (apparently there was some debate) and making me laugh.

So it hasn’t been a total loss, just a mix. And I handled it all well, mixed with expletives, and occasional grumpy behavior. I am still happy. (Plus the check came yesterday just in time for my needed tank of gas, and my new checking account mobile deposits it instantly, unlike the old one - that rhymes with Bells Dargo - who holds it for 2 days. Fuckers.)

Hey, guess what? I talked with my doctor, and she agreed that it’s ok for me to not refill my Prozac, and that my dose was so low I don’t need to titrate down. My last pill will be taken next Tuesday night…

I leave for bm a week from Sunday. I think vacation with friends and the love of my life is a good idea right after stopping an antidepressant, so that works out well.

Thanks for reading.

I Wrote This A Year Ago Today, Getting Ready For Burning Man 2012

"Burning Man 2012- i plan to leave my family at home and go with my boyfriend and a bunch of good, poly friends…i’m going to be the purest form of ME…which i don’t get to be in my world, except when i’m with my brother alone, and that is a rare occasion :) In my codependent mind that sounds selfish…but for those who really know me, you’ll understand that at the fabulous, coming-out age of 43, I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone and take my life by the reins - make it more of what i need it to be. as the mom of a child with a learning disability, ADHD, depression, an inspiring dog whisperer and loving boy, the wife of a husband with ADHD and depression, who is the love of my life, and, interestingly, the mother of a brilliantly bright, goofy, beautiful little girl, from an alternative family, and working for a non-profit, very little of my world is solely about me. i take some time to take care of myself here and there, but not nearly enough. and i’ve never been on a trip like this: out into the unknown with a group of friends...just for a little while: not mother, not wife, not sister, not daughter, not alpha female (in my house, i have to be - it’s self defense… :) …just a lover who likes to laugh, who wants to explore her boundaries and her friends, and the heart and soul of her boyfriend…just for a week…i also think it would be a wonderful opportunity to work on some of my issues like: accepting gifts and shyness…my introversion…can you really be an introvert surrounded by all that wonderful self expression? i’m going to try like hell not to be :)"

That poor, sad, scared woman with her head in the sand. What a grand adventure she went on. And what an adventure she's had...

On Getting Married or The Wedding I Didn't Want or Labels or Whackadoo Tangent Post

(This is my assumed response from you, reading this whackadoo post.)

An acquaintance just announced on Facebook that she is engaged to be married, and has asked for advice. I am excited for her and gave her some, even though she pointed her request at the married ladies. Not thinking, I posted my advice before remembering that I'm newly divorced. 

Force of habit, I guess. 

My identity is still sorting itself out, apparently, even though I feel clear on who and where and what I am...or maybe I'm blurred, which is where I really prefer to be. Blurry feels comfortable. 

That way, I can be whatever I want.

The advice I gave her was this:

"Oh my goodness. First, congratulations! Next, I was anxious too. I had a lot of pressure as well, and caved and didn't really have the event I truly wanted (but that was the nature of my personality and relationships, and not yours). It's seen as a big deal by lots of people, but is your party. You can go to the courthouse or have eleventy-billion people. Your choice. My challenges were my intractable fiance and my pushy mil. I had twice as many people as I wanted and lots of details that I didn't want as well. I had a pushy bridesmaid too, who influenced my choices. If I had to do it all over, I'd have about 20 people. Close family and friends, an oak tree, a simple, matching ring, a red dress, and my guy. That's it. The bottom line is, make it what you want. If you want nothing, just sign the paper. If you want a big deal, make a big deal!", and then added, "Oop! Also, remember that it doesn't matter how it goes: If you end up married, it went well! (Also, I'm newly divorced but I still put my input here.)"

Which led me to thinking about how I used to feel more comfortable with labels and a slots to fit into:

Married, mother, poly, open marriage, codependent, needy, patient, daughter, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, sister in law, woman, wife, lover, highlighted blond, curvy, big boobed, borderline overweight, wrinkling, girly, self medicating, spacey, kind, helpful, doormat, cousin, stretch marks, high maintenance, conservatively-classically dressed, private, introverted, shy, chapstick obsessed, lazy...

I could keep going on but I just got bored of it.

The point is, I put all these labels on myself (with the help of society and Ex and the other unhelpful people in my life) and fit myself into them one way or another. 

And before I make my next point, let me say that I hate it when people get all lathered up about how labels ruin us and everything and society, though I use them on myself...

I met a woman who, when I asked if she was a vegetarian (we were eating together in a restaurant with some kids and friends), replied that she didn't like labels, that she ate what she was comfortable putting in her body, and then when she realized she had just drunk cold water, that she hadn't drunk cold water for years, then she wondered out loud what it would do to her body.

...

Holy crap.

I can only say here that I hope the look on my face in response didn't match my thoughts, which can be described in a typed action: 

*blink*     or 

O_o         or  

WTF??

Did I make my point? I'm laughing at myself and my tangents now. 

Labels have a place if you are comfortable with them. I've found recently that I'm not comfortable anymore in the labels I wrapped around myself like a shield. In my redefinition I have chosen some new labels for myself (paradoxically) and if I think about them they are:

Divorced, earth mother, in a relationship, open minded, non-judgemental, daughter, sister, woman, Partner, sensitive, patient, lover, blond going gray, beautiful, curvy, self accepting, mostly vegetarian, kind, helpful, cousin, niece, curly haired, natural, chapstick obsessed, burner, organic, re-purposing, recycling...and I got bored again of thinking of things to describe myself but I sound sort of like a hippy - which is where I have leaned my whole life but didn't feel comfortable in THAT label either.

Back to the Facebook response post I started with. I am sorting out my new life and my new identity, and am having a great time doing it, even though it sometimes feels scary as hell. I feel free and totally me for the first time, probably, in my entire life. I owe it to myself, my children, the lessons I've learned, turning 45 (which I did last weekend), and Partner and our blended family, without whom all of this would have happened very differently, but nonetheless it would have happened.

I am brave, I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am loved.

The real point is now I'm ME, goddammit.

Thank you Universe, for all of it.

Goddamned Help

My friend is in a wheelchair. I can't tell you how hard I tried not to feel that way, but she wigged me out for a very long time.

She's taught me many lessons about help, inadvertently.

She came to burning man last year and I got to know her. We have a mutual group of friends and I see her at a big event every summer and during the holidays, and I talk to her on Facebook sometimes.

Last spring she and a lover of hers camped at Partner's house as they passed through. She was born with twisted hands and I don't think I've ever seen her feet but, now that I think about it, I think I remember that she doesn't have feet. Her power chair is pretty quick and she has a service dog who is sweet as pie, he is. And huge.

Anyway, she asked me for help whenever I saw her and I think it's because she saw me noticing her. She asks for help a lot (Actually I don't know if that's true. To me it looks like a lot but I'm impaired about help. Plus, we usually see each other at events where she/people need/give help.) and chatted with me once about how hard that used to be for her. 

'That' being asking for help. I can relate.

The guys lift her wheelchair in and out of cars for her or over a threshold, and occasionally she'll ask for a ride to an event. They steady her while she powers up plywood homemade ramps into houses. At burning man last year she asked me to help her get the homemade shower ready for her and to help her with some of her costumes. She has trouble with zippers. Her dog followed another male dog around at the summer event, clearly smitten. I've seen Partner lift her onto couches from her chair. She told me he's one of the few she trusts to do that because she knows he won't drop her. And that he's strong enough. I fell in love with him, harder, last summer. I also watched, horrified, as he gave her unholy crap about something. I held my breath, afraid to laugh, until I saw her bust into guffaws. My relief was palpable. I don't know why I feared she would be immune or offended by his snark and sarcasm. I asked him about it later. He basically said that he didn't care if she was in a wheelchair, she was going to get the same heckling everyone else did. Why should he be careful? It made me pause.

Why indeed?

Now whenever I see her I go up and say hello. I sit down next to her and pet her dog and ask how she is. I ask if I can help her and 9 times out of ten she accepts my help and thanks me.

I believe she's a public speaker and advocate. I need to ask her about that because I'm curious.

She's funny. She's smart and she's beautiful. She's my friend.

My mom, talking to me about a man she saw refusing wheelchair help, got me thinking about my friend. Sometimes we need help and when you let people help you, your life is easier.

Partner and my friend have taught me a lot about asking for and accepting help. I still get squicky when Partner leaps out of my bed on a Saturday morning and mows my lawn. Last weekend he vacuumed my house better than I've ever done it, while I scrubbed the bathrooms. The squick time is fleeting now because at one point he questioned me about it. He likes to help. He wants to help. He loves me and wants to do things for me. I feel the same way about helping him so I've relaxed a lot.

Am I so fucking undeserving of help or did I get used to Ex refusing to help me? I believe I already had the proud disposition, and that made the difficult interactions in my marriage harder.