I'm Still Around

Not sure how screaming when the water hits your would be feel-good hormones, but he's a doc so you could try it! Maybe it's scream therapy. :)

So I wanted to say HI!, and let you know I'm still around. I've just been busy with life and living it. There is a lot going on and I'm not sure how often I'll update...but when I see blogs that have old dates on them I feel kinda sad, so HI!

I hope that you are working on your journey to health and taking care of yourself like I am trying to.

The Song of Myself

(when I happen to see my changing body in the mirror...or just walk into a different room)

MY WASHER WORKS! Don't know what happened the other day. Maybe it was angry. I wouldn't drain or go behond the agitation cycle. (See? Angry!)

The places on my body that had more weight for the last few years seem to be rather elephant-skin like now.

Hmm. Fat not poofing the skin out as much. Hopefully I won't look like a wrinkly crone before my time.

I'm freeing up the notion of natural beauty I've been working on for some time now. I'm looking at my un-makeupped face differently. I come from a long line of southern women who wouldn't dare leave the house without full makeup, hair, well dressed with a girdle. My mother rebelled and I have followed her, but some things have lingered, like:

My eyes not having mascara or liner looks odd to me. I didn't wear much more makeup than that but I'm looking beyond what I perceive as too pale and short eyelashes, and red toned skin/eyelids.

I'm looking at the color of my eyes and the shape of my brows.

The curve of my cheekbones starting to peek out on my face again and my genetically beautiful skin. I thank my grandmother and my mother for that one. Pretty good for a girl whose skin looked awful as a teenager.

I'm looking at the perky ski slope of my nose.

I'm looking at my legs and starting to see again in my calves the reason I was dubbed "Legs" (during the ZZ Top era) in high school.

I'm looking at the stretch marks on my belly and upper thighs and remembering how happy (and terrified) I was to be pregnant.

I'm looking at my smaller breasts and seeing their full, soft, roundness, as opposed to the backbreaking and ponderous FUN BAGS Ex used to call them. Ex always insisted on calling them The Boys to irritate me, along with a lot of other disrespectful names and comments about my body that caused me to hide it. I stopped wearing shorts or tank tops for years before we divorced. I wore control top pantyhose and girdles and heavy bras to reshape myself into the body he wanted me to have. I would never have left the house bra less or worn a bikini. I wore a lot of uncomfortable clothing to please him, and wore makeup to feel pretty. Dressed the way he thought was sexy.

If you could see me now you'd see that I dress comfortably/eclectically...sort of like a boho-hippie with my own twist, in natural fabrics.

Lots of feelings and new thoughts in my head about my changing body and outlook, and seeing myself through Partner's eyes has never helped me feel more lovely and self confident, even ten lbs ago.

I see the curve of my hip, and my waist reappearing.

I see my hair getting longer the way I've always wanted it.

I feel free and supported to look and feel how I want to look and feel. And the self confidence I used to feel is creeping back as I stop feeding my negative emotions with starch and fat and sugar.

For all Partner's support and encouragement, I adore him more. I sent him this note and he remarked that it was sweet. "The song of yourself."

Thank you for accepting my heart and my body and my mind for what they are even when I didn't.

I am finally becoming me.

I Had a Great Week!

Hi there. My health coach suggested I share this...she is the best cheerleader! I'm feeling great, and pretty! I struggled a little last night because I craved cookie dough. My shameful, go to craving that usually hits me once a month with my hormone levels. I resisted and drank lots of water and read a good book. Distracted myself. My weigh in was great! I've lost ten pounds. My clothes are a bit looser and I have hipbones!

His Meds, My Meds, Everywhere a Med-Med

I am pooped! I've been busy.

Son’s latest psych appt went well. We upped the dose of his ADHD med for school. It’s been long overdue because Ex forgot to talk to his psych about it when Son was there last time telling her he was seeing things and hearing things.

Sigh.

She also prescribed generic Tenex, which is supposed to help him manage his rage. It’s supposed to give him some space to think about what he does before he slams the fridge, or throws a remote, throws his sister on the floor, or shoves me out of the way when I put myself between them. (It doesn’t happen often, but it happens.) Tenex is supposed to work well with ADHD reactivity/impulsivity and doesn’t require blood work regularly. He objected to that, which I’m glad. This is supposed to be the safest option for helping manage himself. And we’ll start it after he comes back from his spring break trip with Ex and his family (they’re going Saturday) because then I can be in charge of the titration up and it may make him groggy the first two days. I don’t want him reacting to a new medication out of my sight while he’s traveling with Ex…plus I’m torn about it.

I am torn about this because I’ve found in the past that I’m torn when he needs it but I don’t want to accept that he does…I don’t want him to have to need it. I did the same thing when he started taking his depression med, and when he started taking his ADHD med. Is it sibling rivalry or is it impulse control? Both?

Poor Son started to tip over at the psych appt yesterday: shutting down, laying down on the couch. I asked the psych to slow down (she was talking a mile a minute) and I would turn to interpret to Son what she was saying because I could tell it was too much, too fast, and he couldn’t follow what she was saying. I told him I wasn’t going to tell him he had to take anything, but that he could choose. He chose the med that didn’t require blood work and said he would try it.

I was reminded yesterday that kids with ADHD tend to lag behind about three years in brain development…so essentially Son and Daughter are in the same place. He’s a little kid with issues in a big body and jeebus, will there ever be a time when I don’t have to worry and fight and cajole and discuss? We have a meeting at school for the school to tell us what our options are since they were not able to uphold the IEP and the school was TOO HARD FOR HIM! 

Remember when I was reluctant to move him? Another great idea from Ex.

And med check for me, yes…my doc, after she gave me an online test asking if I was sleeping or had suicidal thoughts – yes and no – that doesn’t freaking mean I don’t need help - told me I didn’t qualify for more help. Which in Kaiser Speak means they save the few spots they have for people who seem to be needier. I sent her back an email talking about the emotional abuse and anxiety and Son and Partner and his Kids (good stuff that I want to talk about) and Daughter and my diet and blah. My doc asked the therapist I didn’t like (the one I stopped going to see – she wasn’t listening to me…she was planning things for me) call me and tell me I should contact WEAVE because they do individual and group counseling regarding emotional abuse (and that’s why Kaiser doesn’t – I call bullshit) and to confirm the transfer to another counselor for one on one, I think, and that there is a emotion regulation group I might be able to go to at Kaiser. So I may go to a walk in “triage” at WEAVE and tell them about my situation and see what they recommend after I find out what Kaiser is going to do.

I don’t want to sit in a group of physically abused women because it triggers me into thoughts of “they need help more than I do and I’m ok so I don’t need to be here”. And it's brutal, but if I'm going to sob in front of strangers, I want to sob to work through my own crap instead of at other people's stories. I can't even watch movies or tv about it without falling apart.

I AM ok, I just want to talk an impartial party who will hear about my struggles with Son and the aftermath of the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered, why the hell I jump out of my skin every time I hear a loud noise, and our blended family wonderfulness and the complications and everything.

*deep breath*

I actually woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long, long time. More in control and feeling happy. Part of it is that Partner is coming over tonight. The other part of it is that Son has been really great lately. I mean he’s Son and still tells me he’s not emptying the dishwasher when I ask and when I get him to, he bangs his elbow then yells FUCK IT and crawls back into his cave, with the dishwasher still full…but he has been hearing me when I ask him not to do something or when I talk to him. He’s been good with Daughter too, though the sibling stuff still happens.

So much work. How on earth can my PCP tell me I don’t get to receive services? After my email rant I got the phone call…

Anyway…my brain is all fuddled and part of it is that another thing that’s happened to me lately is I’ve started to care more about things, like my job. I was seriously lagging at work, getting things done slowly, putting out fires I could have avoided. Part of the depression where you just don’t care that much about some things. I would spend my time daydreaming about another job when I wasn’t doing the one I have well. I’m stepping back up again and working harder, sleeping more, eating better, and doing little things for myself life a monthly massage and coloring my hair, eating sushi with Partner.

They stretch the budget but they reward me and make me feel happy.

Phew. I never really know what I’m going to say until I start typing and it all falls out all over the place. Thanks for listening.

I Internalize Things

Let's talk.

If something happens to me I don't usually talk about it, and I just let all of the things build inside of me until I reach a breaking point. I know I should open up about whatever I'm feeling, regardless of how much "I just don't want to get into it" or "I don't feel like talking." 

Speak up and tell your story. Express yourself.

I'm trying to take my own advice but the I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT gets me every time.

Dammit.

Dear Son,

We're doing our very best for you buddy. Hang in there. We'll get through this godforsaken school/life stigma thing...We love you.

-All of us

It's Getting Better - It Comes In Waves

Larry, Curly and Moe

I thank my family for their lovely support, though I have to admit that the snarlyness sometimes directed at my kids gives me mixed emotions. I know they love me and are supporting me, and are protective because of my history with Ex. I love them and appreciate them. I know it’s coming from their heart. Mama bear comes out to defend Kids even when they’re making me nutty.

I work with a lot of women who have adult/older children and they are supportive, when I open my mouth and share, and have assured me that it’s a phase and that Son will soften and be kinder eventually, just hang in there. Others tell me stories about their own sons, some really sad, and some positive. Mostly positive stories about parenting boys. I’m going to start going to a group when the kids aren’t with me for Parents who are Codependent with their kids. I think it will be good for me. My friend and coworker is going to scope it out and report back. She invited me to join her at the group.

I go through phases with my depression where I feel overwhelmed and need to vent when it seems insurmountable. Then I get back on that horse and parent my two kids who love, love, love me. I know that. I am safe to challenge and that is the stage they are in. June is starting, but in a passive aggressive way. It’s interesting.

At the end of the day, I still love to curl up with them and talk, laugh and watch movies. The majority of the time, which you don’t hear about, is when they feel bad about frustrating me and spend the next half hour acting like complete goofballs to lighten the mood. Couple nights ago 20 mins after Son stormed away from the dinner table (for the third time in four days) he scooted around on the floor like Curly, making Daughter and I crack up. It’s sometimes hard for me to switch gears, but I know that’s his way of asking forgiveness.

The truth of the matter is I reach out to them to be heard, and they hear me, and I appreciate and love them so much for it.

Future Me A Year Ago

Have you ever heard of Future Me? I've been writing to myself for a few years now and it opens my eyes every time to see how far I've come in just a year. This is mine from March 2013 (I've edited some of it for privacy - Also, apparently, I was having trouble with capitals and tenses.):

"Dear FutureMe,

I am in the final stages of divorce and I am so proud of myself for going through with one of the best choices I ever made. Despite Ex's anger and your anxiety attacks, you stood up for yourself and your kids and made a choice to improve our life and be healthier, mentally and emotionally. Partner and I are planning our future of forever together, and he just told his sister about me. The kids are doing well and Son sprained his ankle, and comes to you for questions and sharing because he feels safe. Daughter is struggling with stupid busywork state homework and rebelling a little bit. both kids will go to a new district and you want to move so, so badly to where Partner lives. Partner is out to his community and friends about you, and is the best man I've ever met in my life. you volunteered to hug at Burnal Equinox 2013 and getting involved changed your whole experience.

i love you. you are brave and magical things are coming to fruition for you. keep visualizing. :)

Love, 
Me"

Want to send yourself an email you'll see one year from now? Go to Future Me and sign up. I'm heading there now to write a letter for myself for next spring...

A Note To Partner about Ex From March 2012

"Husband (at the time) said many, many interesting things to me last night. We had one of the best talks we've ever had, in our entire marriage. He acknowledged that most of what's wrong between us is him. He went out and picked up a higher dosage of medication, and he told me that when he says NO, usually it means that he's distracted or that this is only his initial reaction without thinking, and that I should talk to him about it later. I told him that where I came from, No meant no. Silly me. He also said that even if he does say no, I should feel free to go ahead and do what I want anyway, if it's important to me. This sounds an awful lot like permission, but really it's his way of saying that I shouldn't let him tell me no, I can't go do something, and if he does, I don't have to listen. I know this, as an adult. I know I can do what I want. But marital strife is not my best thing. It's important for me for him to be ok with what I do, but I just am really frustrated with what he doesn't appear to be ok with. He is working hard on himself right now, and I can see the results. More and more every day."

Remember, at the time, we were practicing Polyamory by Partner's request.

We had many, many of these talks over the years but this is the first one where he acknowledged that the issues in our marriage might not be just me. (It takes two to tango...)

He promptly forgot this conversation, and stopped taking the meds after a time.

Also, me ignoring his NO and doing what I want usually resulted in a silent treatment situation like this, which was always horrible for me, so I stopped trying.

Anyway, just thinking about the past today and how fortunate I am to be so happy and free now.

Tumblrer Twitterer Pinterester Instagramer...Why?!

Social networking...

I'm struggling with my fears and how much to put my story out there. I've gone back and forth for years about what, who, when, where, and why to tell my story without being discovered by Ex.

...I'm struggling, once again, with being the beneficiary of Ex's wrath.

Not to mention the people who would judge me or flat out not believe me. And they are out there...I respect the fact that Ex's family and the friends I lost in the divorce might not choose to believe what went on.

Except for that one Jackhole who texted me in the middle of the night that I was a BITCH for divorcing Ex, thus triggering a week-long anxiety attack. I don't respect him. I do, however, forgive because he has a small brain and has been hurt so badly by his ex-wife that he talks to all women that way.

We all have our karma to work out.

I've started linking some of my social networking accounts together to share my stories a little farther...I have a need, apparently. I ask that if you do see a real life name here and there, or a real life fact that leads you to find out more about me personally, or that your discover you know me AND Ex, that you use your new found information for good and not evil. :)

Why am I spreading my stories a little farther?

To help someone like me?

Revenge?

I love to write?

To get the stories out of my head, like a diary, so I can move on with my day? This, mostly.

I'm afraid Ex will see this blog and be enraged and that it will hamper our new, relaxed, best for the kids relationship.

If he does, what would I say?

I was angry?

I was hurt?

What you thought our relationship was, was not what it was for me?

I'm sorry for outing you? (Because he might choose to damage our relationship further, or take it out on the kids.)

I'm sorry for telling my truth? (I'm not. But I know how I get with him. Tell him what he wants to hear, when I'm afraid, so I can get the fuck out of dodge.)

All these reasons seem paltry next to the deep, deep fear I have about him being mad at me. About any man being mad at me.

I know that's why I haven't linked things together until now...why my blog has been anonymous.

Ask Partner about my fear of angry men, who held my hand while I shook and jumped with fear, and the tears that ran down my face while we were watching, "12 Years As A Slave". Ask the man who soothes me when I hear a loud noise and jump out of my skin. Who tells his Ex no, when she suggests something I can't emotionally handle. The man who holds me tight when my depression gets a hold of me and squeezes until I have to leave work for the day or hide in our bedroom.


I'm deciding to step farther out of my comfort zone a little more and show the world who I really am, because I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm trying to adopt the Zero Fucks Given approach, though I know there will always be things I give fucks about.

*bitch voice in head* WHAT IF THE KIDS SEE IT?!!

Then they do. They already know that my marriage to their dad was difficult and painful, and that mom's house is more relaxing than dad's. I'll answer their questions when they ask them. They are preteen/teenagers now...as for Karma Kids, they see very little media so I don't guess they'll see this any time soon, but when and if they do ask I'll answer as honestly as I can, editing for age.

At some point, I expect, all the kids will realize they have more power about where they stay than they know, and my house will be full more often.

I've put some new links down the sidebar here to some of the places I hang out when I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like working. :) There will be posts and pictures and things that won't be shown here, so if you're curious, feel free.

Social media: the escape for those who are able to utilize it.

I'm Not Poly

 One more post today:

Partner and I had a wonderful weekend, and had some quiet time to talk. I think I brought the subject up because I wanted to talk to him about how I felt.

I told Partner that I don't think I was ever, truly, poly. (I wrote about it here and here.) I shared with him that I thought I agreed with Ex to open our marriage and try Polyamory because I was searching for something I wasn't receiving in my marriage.

I was trying to fill the holes in my heart.

It's funny; often when I bring up things to share with Partner, he ends up telling me something that means the world to me. It's like a reward for sharing my thoughts with him.

He told me that he felt exactly the same way. That he doesn't think there would ever be that much room in his heart for someone else, because he loves me so much.

He said exactly what I felt. Then I melted.


I am over the moon in love with this man, and he reminds me why every day with his words and his actions.


To top it off, last night Partner came over after dinner and Kids and I were decompressing after eating together. He and I started playing a game together, sitting on the couch...then Daughter drifted into the room when her homework was finished, and snuggled next to me, then Son came out of his cave to hang out with us too, and ended up snuggling with us on the couch as well. Dogs were up in there too, with Bunny hopping around our feet happily. I looked over at Partner and he was sleepy and happy as I rubbed his feet in between turns in the game, Daughter kissing my cheek, Son showing us the game he was playing on his phone, and Bunny teasing and playing with ADHD Dog when he ventured down off the couch.

I have never been happier, and am succeeding in being present in the moment whenever I can.

What a blessing.

Thank you.

I Edited My Caveat And Thank You

  (I realize I already used this picture, but I wanted it here too.)

It was time to make some edits to my Caveat and Thank You at the bottom of this blog page. As I learn and grow, I've found that some of what I had written in the posts makes me wince. Some of it due to the amazement at how far I've come, and some due to the venom and anger that fueled my fear and anxiety. 

A coworker told me this week that she has seen how far I have come, and congratulated me. I was surprised because I don't always remember exactly how it felt back when I was trying to decide whether or not to get divorced. Every so often I go back and read some of my posts to remember and appreciate my growth and healing.

I think it's important to keep everything in perspective, particularly to be aware of how much better I feel, and how much happier I am.

The mention of my diagnosis in the Thank You seemed important to write, as it was brought to mind this morning when I was talking with a loved one about her pain, and my trying to support her without knowing exactly what's going on. 

She is loyal and strong, and I have always admired and strove to emulate her.

This week, if nothing else, please let the people you love know how much you care about them. It's vital, and might help them along their own path. I was trying to express this to her.

For my sister-in-law, I say:

"To all of the wonderful people throughout the years who have been kind and patient with me as I have navigated my self toward this independence. To the rediscovery of me. Please know that I was/am navigating an emotional minefield of divorce and abuse in the best way I knew how including anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, and it was not my intention to hurt anyone. I burned some bridges and lost some important relationships along the way. My diagnoses have had their way with me, but in no way define me any longer."

And also, I love you. I support you. And I am here for you, always. Not just because of the family relationship we've had, but because your heart is as big as the kindness you have always shown me.

Thank you.

New Theme And Update!

New look! I like to change with the seasons, and it's so abnormally warm here I thought I'd put some blue. Supposed to rain this week though...fingers crossed!

OH! I was going to update in the end of the last post and I forgot:

I came out of my cold/depression haze (though the stupidy cold is still there - I'm losing my voice) and I am feeling a lot better. I just upped my dose of depression meds to where I was supposed to be, and wrapped the people I love around me. That is really hard to do when you're feeling depressed, I know, but my kids are with me every other week so eventually someone is in the house that I have to take care of besides myself. Taking care of my kids makes me very happy because they are old enough now to understand when I'm feeling down and why (Son also suffers from depression, if you recall) and Daughter at the ripe age of almost 12 still (thank you tiny baby jesus) wants to cuddle with me and give me hugs and kisses. And when we are all together we mostly laugh, and argue, negotiate, laugh,  gripe, laugh, sleep, laugh, eat, laugh.

And then there is Partner and Second Daughter and Son, not to mention my friends, which just add to the abundant love that I have surrounded myself with.

I am blessed, and even when I am in the goddamned pit of depression my chemicals heap upon me from time to time, I know this.

Thank you.

It Got Ahold Of Me Again

Couldn't get myself to work today. I decided not to go because I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to get up. Kept falling asleep. Don't feel good. Sneezing and coughing and stuffy nose. I could have gone to work but headache and depression bogging me down too. I rarely stay home from work so I'm fighting guilt. I colored my hair again last night and am second guessing it, not being nice to myself. I'm going to be ok, I just need to sit here I guess and contemplate all these things and whether or not I should double my antidepressant to where doc said I should be. I'm only taking half of what was prescribed because that seems to work. I've been drinking alone lately too and need to think about why and stop again. I know it's self medicating and I need to cook something good for me and start exercising regularly again. I know how to take care of myself I've just not been doing it very well lately. I'll give myself today to be in a slump and then pull myself together tomorrow and go to work.

It's funny. I have all the sympathy in the world for people who suffer from depression, but when it's me I give myself time limits and rules.

Not so funny, actually, but interesting.

"His Dark Words Took Up Residence Inside My Head"

 (My New Year Resolution)

This post is a little bit cheaty, but hey - it's my blog and I have lots to say today...third post I've written! (I spread them out so as not to overwhelm you with my fabulousness.)

I read this today and it moved me, as I always am when I read about an experience similar to mine. Interestingly it did not trigger me, as such things used to. I must be healing!

Woohoo!

I gave Ex a lot of power over me in the past and it's fascinating to note that even though I OWE THE IRS $2,500, it feels ok because I am rid of him taxwise and never have to deal with his tax bullshit again.

Did I say Woohoo?!

Anyway, enjoy the article. I hope that someday we will all are free of being triggered by our Exes.

Thanks for listening.

"On Labeling Women Crazy"

Someday, hopefully, I can be the cat.

A friend of mine posted this article, and it hit a nerve because I read it some time ago when I was going through a similar situation with Ex. I wrote about it here. The difference, I explained to my friend, was that, "he said he loved me, and he was occasionally but rarely there. After ten years I was done. It became my fault in the eyes of everyone, except the few I shared with, after all. It's a powerful article.", "Also, I should add, there was more going on and he never said he was leaving. He expected our lives to just continue that way indefinitely."

Sharing with her triggered me into coming here and reading some of my past posts. I mentioned to her that, "This article pretty much sums up why I'm divorced.", and sent her a link to this blog, which terrifies me. It always does when I "come out" to someone who knew me back then because this blog is the essence of my anger and pain when I was getting divorced. It doesn't matter how strongly I felt when I was writing in anger or tears, it's still terrifying to tell someone about it. It's raw, and it's there, and it's real. More ME than anything I ever said out loud, although now it's a past me, and I'm moving on in a healthy way.

I loved her, and I still do, though I haven't seen her in a very long time, and I worry how she will react to reading all this. As I've said before, the only thing I can control is how I feel and how I react.

 
This blog is creeping out into the world more and more as I reveal it to people I knew then, and Ex and I are tentatively moving toward friendship as time passes so I'd like him to never see this - though having it here, there is always a chance that he will. 

If he does, he does. 

I am able to see glimpses of the man I liked and cared for, and it makes it easier to make peace, forgive, and move on.

My Cinderella Complex

Painting by Lado Tevdoradze

Even though I grew up with The Cinderella Complex on my mother's bookshelf, I still thought marriage was the goal. The answer to being and feeling secure and loved. I have since learned that is not true. I'm still struggling a bit sometimes with that thought process, particularly when I'm feeling insecure, and am trying like hell to cut that cord and continue to reshape what relationships are to me. I like this article because it showed me yet another facet of why my marriage didn't work. (I put Ex and the kids first. Ex put himself first.) But it also reminded me that this works for any relationship that is important and means a lot to me. What I got out of it was this: I am sometimes afraid of not knowing what my future will look like. It's hard for me to feel out of control, though I know the only thing I have control of is how I feel and how I respond. I'm going to try to focus on changing the way I think about patriarchal "rules" and to realize that Partner wants me to be in his life for the rest of ours, no matter how it looks. We get to make our own rules.

Dear Asshole,

I wrote this today, while I was getting ready for work. It happened last Saturday at an event with friends where I normally feel very safe, due to the environment filled with burners. Just like anywhere else, there are assholes. Forevermore referred to as THE ASSHOLE, I have changed his name in the spirit of privacy.

"Hey THE ASSHOLE. Do you remember grabbing my ass while I was watching (my bf run his super fun game that folks love) at (event)? I do. I remember being shocked. I remember feeling violated. I remember thinking about it last night as I went to sleep because I wish I hadn't smiled at you when you did it. I remember wishing I'd punched you in the face, though I know I could never do that. Just like I can't say this to your face. Just like I couldn't not smile at you. Why I'm a victim. I'm going to try really hard to forgive you and I'll tell you why: Because you don't know that I am an abuse survivor. You don't know that I just finalized a painful divorce from my abuser. You don't know that I have two teen aged kids who I'm trying to co-parent with my abuser, and in particular a teenage daughter who I hope and wish and pray does not become a victim like me. You don't know that I work for a mental health recovery center with people who are also survivors of abuse and the results of it, among other painful mental health issues, to try to give back to all the people who have helped me in my recovery over the years. I'm going to try really hard to forgive you because somewhere in your brain you thought it was ok to put your hands on me, and I thought I'd help by letting you know that it is never, ever ok to touch anyone without consent. And that silence is not consent. I apologize for not being brave enough to say this to your face, but just typing it to you has helped me kick start the painful process of letting the abuse of my past go, again, along with the other painful memories I have. I wish you well in your recovery."

I froze when he touched me. One of my best friends, and a coworker, pointed out to me that freezing is "flight" in the fight or flight reaction.

When I was in 9th grade, a boy grabbed my ass in the hallway at school. I spun around and screamed at him at the top of my lungs.

What happened to me between there and here? Where is that strong, young girl who was able to react instantly to that violation? What the fuck?

I need to find her.

I'm afraid of what THE ASSHOLE's response is going to be. I'm afraid of what will happen in response. I'm making up stuff to worry about, I know. Probably nothing will happen but thank the tiny baby jesus I've gotten it off my chest.

Pity Party FFS

(PS: Burning Man was enlightening, as usual, and great! I wanted to put that first so I didn't interfere with the pity party below.)

I’ve been depressed about some issues with Son. He’s having a tough time in school which is pretty typical for this time of year, but he’s also got some issues going on, including intimidating me and Daughter when he doesn’t get what he wants, that makes his therapist think he may be developmentally delayed. He’s due for his psych test through the school district, and he’s scheduled. So, as a result I’ve been depressed and have gained weight from emotional eating again, and am considering going back on the anti-depressants my doc put me on after the divorce. I don’t know. Maybe I should try to start exercising again first to see if that helps, or should I do both? There is a really mean voice in my head that tells me taking antidepressants is giving in. How fucked up is that?? I’m also premenstrual, but I was feeling depressed before that. It’s my voice again coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t take them and take care of myself. I’m having trouble at work too, I’m bored and annoyed, and I know that much of it is that there is so much crap in my head I don’t want anyone else’s. It’s too hard to deal with my own lately. The other thing is that antidepressants aren’t in my budget. More stupid voice.

Thanks for listening.

Burning Man!

It's time to go home!

I know a lot of people call Burning Man home because there they can truly be themselves. Greeters even say Welcome Home! and hug you when you show up.

 Me, I feel I am myself all the time now so my home is where my kids are, and where Partner and his kids are.

Anyway, I will be away for the next week and a half, burning in the desert heat, and visiting with friends,  witnessing amazing art and music and people and dancing my way across The Playa.

Here are some great videos to give you a feel of what it's like. Contrary to popular belief, it's not a giant drug and alcohol rave in the desert. (Although there are some that come to do that.)

Hula Cam

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

El Pulpo Mechanico

Twin Serpents

Have a great week!