I'm Not Poly

 One more post today:

Partner and I had a wonderful weekend, and had some quiet time to talk. I think I brought the subject up because I wanted to talk to him about how I felt.

I told Partner that I don't think I was ever, truly, poly. (I wrote about it here and here.) I shared with him that I thought I agreed with Ex to open our marriage and try Polyamory because I was searching for something I wasn't receiving in my marriage.

I was trying to fill the holes in my heart.

It's funny; often when I bring up things to share with Partner, he ends up telling me something that means the world to me. It's like a reward for sharing my thoughts with him.

He told me that he felt exactly the same way. That he doesn't think there would ever be that much room in his heart for someone else, because he loves me so much.

He said exactly what I felt. Then I melted.


I am over the moon in love with this man, and he reminds me why every day with his words and his actions.


To top it off, last night Partner came over after dinner and Kids and I were decompressing after eating together. He and I started playing a game together, sitting on the couch...then Daughter drifted into the room when her homework was finished, and snuggled next to me, then Son came out of his cave to hang out with us too, and ended up snuggling with us on the couch as well. Dogs were up in there too, with Bunny hopping around our feet happily. I looked over at Partner and he was sleepy and happy as I rubbed his feet in between turns in the game, Daughter kissing my cheek, Son showing us the game he was playing on his phone, and Bunny teasing and playing with ADHD Dog when he ventured down off the couch.

I have never been happier, and am succeeding in being present in the moment whenever I can.

What a blessing.

Thank you.

New Theme And Update!

New look! I like to change with the seasons, and it's so abnormally warm here I thought I'd put some blue. Supposed to rain this week though...fingers crossed!

OH! I was going to update in the end of the last post and I forgot:

I came out of my cold/depression haze (though the stupidy cold is still there - I'm losing my voice) and I am feeling a lot better. I just upped my dose of depression meds to where I was supposed to be, and wrapped the people I love around me. That is really hard to do when you're feeling depressed, I know, but my kids are with me every other week so eventually someone is in the house that I have to take care of besides myself. Taking care of my kids makes me very happy because they are old enough now to understand when I'm feeling down and why (Son also suffers from depression, if you recall) and Daughter at the ripe age of almost 12 still (thank you tiny baby jesus) wants to cuddle with me and give me hugs and kisses. And when we are all together we mostly laugh, and argue, negotiate, laugh,  gripe, laugh, sleep, laugh, eat, laugh.

And then there is Partner and Second Daughter and Son, not to mention my friends, which just add to the abundant love that I have surrounded myself with.

I am blessed, and even when I am in the goddamned pit of depression my chemicals heap upon me from time to time, I know this.

Thank you.

"Unmarried to each other"

I am reading a wonderful book called, "Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple", by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.

According to the cohabitation types in the book, Partner and I are a mix of the "Weekend Cohabitation" type (we spend weekends together, when it works out with our kid schedules, then go home to work), "Across Town Cohabitation" (we don't live together, but our relationship has the kind of personal meaning and commitment most people expect from partners who share a living space), and with "Mergers and Acquisitions Cohabitation" thrown in, in that between us we have four children, three dogs, two houses, three cars, one rabbit, one guinea pig, one rat, and two Exes. 

We hope to be able to figure out how to live together sometime in the future in a way that works for everyone...meaning how the hell am I going to sell my half of my house to Ex and move an hour away when my job is already 30 minutes the other direction, and Kids go to school 45 minutes in yet another direction? With 6 years of school left until they are both 18?

Poor Partner drives us everywhere when we're together because I spend the rest of my life driving for hours.

How can we possibly make this happen? Patience, love, hard work, and faith. And fantasies of spending every night cuddled up next to Partner, and every day spent continually in route somewhere or at work.

Sigh.

Normal Life. Is That What This Is?

I started to write a little bit about this here, and wanted to write a little more.

Last Friday night Partner and I took Kids to see a movie. They had both seen it, but wanted to watch me see it. It absolutely terrified me and I loved it. What is it about me that I love apocalypse movies? Whether zombies, god and the devil, or tectonics and space, I love them.

I spent Saturday doing laundry and puttering around my house, recharging and getting stuff done. Partner went out to do his thing then came back in the afternoon, and we went out and wandered around looking in art galleries and listening to live music. We drank beer and looked at vendors and had dinner in a wonderful little (hot and sweaty) place I had been to once before. We wandered home and fell asleep like two happy old people. Woke up Sunday and he mowed my lawns while I battled his electric edger, having to turn it off and take it apart to pull more plastic cord out. Then he made brunch while I folded laundry and did more chores. Then he vacuumed my whole house, better than I ever have, while I scrubbed the bathrooms.

When Partner originally asked me what I was doing that weekend I told him I had the kids and that I had a lot of chores to do that I had put off. He said, “I’ll come see you.”, and then proceeded to help me get them done quickly and efficiently, then we drove all over running my errands and his, like a real couple. We shopped, bought bunny hay, rented a movie and hit a wine barn place. Then we went home and he did research for a project and I read my book, happily recharging my batteries in the same room with him. Later I made dinner and we watched the movie we rented. Monday morning we got ready for work and Son wandered in and started to turn on the TV when Partner engaged him in a strategy game while I got ready for work. I left them there playing as I drove to work.

I can’t tell you how weird it is to willingly run all over the place at home and out in the world with a person who is amicable, flexible, funny, and helpful, and to know that this person cares deeply for me and my kids and helps in any way he can with them too.

I also know that this kind of detail can be boring, but for me it’s very exciting and novel. I don’t remember EVER doing this much and having so much fun doing it with any partner or bf I’ve ever had.

EVAR.

I was talking to my brother about it and he told me that hearing that I was having a normal life now was refreshing.

Huh.

Is THAT what this is?

When I’m at Partner's house we do the same sort of stuff with me occasionally 'hiding' in his room if his Ex is there because, for chrissake, there is only so much negativity I can take before I flee behind a closed door. It works out because Partner totally gets it and his kids come in and see me. His Son climbs up into my lap to cuddle, telling me I’m the best cuddler he has ever met.

Damned straight, I am.

Easier Said Than Done, But I'm Trying!

Tips for a Stunning Life 

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant. 

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 

3. When you wake up in the morning ask the universe's guidance. 

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds. 

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 

7. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card. 

9. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. 

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.

11. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

12. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 

13. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present. 

14. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’ 

17. Help the needy, be generous, be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

19. Time heals everything. 

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

21. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. 

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 

23. Each night before you go to bed be thankful for what you accomplished.

24. Remember that you are blessed and try not to be stressed.

My Zen (and yours, if you like)

These Things Are A Hazard

I needed to smile today.

Boob power to all of us curvy girls!

Silly Narcissists!

I hope you're having a wonderful weekend!

Are You A Normal?

I'm headed to visit my mom, my brother and his partner for the weekend. We need to sit right up next to each other and commune. It's been too long. We have some talking, crying and laughing to do together. Also, it's going to be hotter than blazes where I live and the dogs and I are getting the hell out of dodge. Enjoy your weekend and I'm going to try not to worry. How about you?

Comingling Families

Partner (who lives a little under an hour away) and I took Kids (mine and his) overnight with some very good friends of ours near his house Friday night, Kids and I stayed home Saturday to they could hang around with their local friends, then Partner and I took all the kids to the river near Partner's house all afternoon Sunday with more good friends and dogs. It's a lot of driving, but it's worth it. It's sometimes difficult to get mine out of the house because we're all screen/movie/book geeks (computer, gaming, phone, laptop, etc.) but once I did, they had a great time. I try to get them out of the house somewhere or another away from screens every weekend they're with me.

We had one of the best weekends, ever, on record. Son keeps asking me when we can go back again and I am absolutely thrilled because he's an introvert like me, and has a hard time in groups of people he doesn't know. Partner calls it co-mingling our families. We love to co-mingle. I am so happy! Happier than I've ever been.

This may not seem like an odd weekend to you.

When I was with Ex, he would never have agreed to have a weekend like this unless it was a huge gathering of his own family, or a group of his friends that we were joining up with. First of all, we didn't have many friends, and mine had all but disappeared, as his control and mental health issues stopped me from seeing them. 

If you stop accepting invitations, people eventually stop inviting you. 

There was always a giant list of TO DOs in his head, that inevitably didn't get done because there were so many THINGS THAT HAD TO GET DONE he would become overwhelmed and not do any. Either that or he would start several projects and leave them unfinished all over the inside and outside of the house, because it was just too much, leaving detritus reminders that would depress him and make him angry. 

This caused me a lot of angst and anxiety because I hate having a cluttered house (one of my issues - clutter all over my own house makes me feel scattered and uncomfortable) and he would become cranky when he was doing all the THINGS. In addition to that, everyone in the house had to be working hard and beware his anger if they weren't - including our children no matter what they had going on or how old they were. My anxiety came because I knew that he would blow up at any moment at any of us for any reason, and I ran around like a neurotic chicken with my head cut off trying to make sure everyone was doing what he wanted them to be doing, assuming, of course, that I was correct in my assumption of what he wanted everyone to be doing, (can you say codependent?) so there would be no blowup. Which was fruitless, of course, because I had no control over what he did.

How the hell did I ever manage to live that way? What the hell? I'm feeling anxious just thinking about managing all that. 

It's funny because now when I ask Kids to do something for me they are pretty willing to do it. There is no anger or verbal battling when I ask and there is no crazy hidden agenda about keeping score with what I'm doing around the house. I ask them to help me out, and for the most part they happily do it. Whether it be mowing the lawn, caring for the animals, or cleaning up after themselves, they seem happy to contribute. 

It's a happier and relaxed way to live. Whoda thunk??

Cats Are Controlled By The Government

I read the top part and realize I do stuff like this all the time, and I feel that way too. Pets are for entertainment purposes, such as this. 

I like to throw sheets on one of my dogs when I'm changing the beds, and watch him try to get out from under them. The other dog I torment with a plastic, green frog that blows air when you squeeze it. He thinks it's the anti-christ.

 Every time I read the response to the tinfoil cat lady, I die laughing.

My Abusive Men

To preface this little tidbit of my personal life with Partner I'm about to share with you, I need to say that I was thinking about it over the weekend and had another epiphany. I realized that every man I've ever dated (except for Partner) has abused me in one way or another. Whether it be a teen aged boyfriend who lied to me repeatedly (when I was a teenager, perverts), an early 20's boyfriend who picked on me mercilessly for four years, two college boyfriends who repeatedly cheated on me, or Ex who abused me for two decades.

Partner asked me if I wanted a back rub.

*blink*

Asked ME. I didn't ask him. Out of the blue. He just...ASKED ME.

This may not seem odd to you, but it sure as hell was to me.

Things got busy and distracted (kids, dogs, chickens, life) and we fell asleep before I got the chance to take him up on it. When we woke up the next day he said, "Are you ready for that back rub now?" I melted inside, and couldn't stop smiling. As he was rubbing my back and I was trying not to drool on the pillow, I kept expressing my gratitude over and over. He finally said something like (I can't be expected to remember what he said exactly. That was MONDAY.), "So, you're thanking me for offering to rub your back, and then following through with what I said I would do?", I opened my eyes to see the impish grin I adore, realizing what I'd been doing (thanking him, repeatedly) and said earnestly, "I'm not accustomed to that." He laughed, kissed me and said, "Touche."

Church Lady Teacup Joy

A few months ago I brought home many of my grandmother's treasures. They were at my mother's house waiting for me to be able to bring them home. The reason they sat so long at my mother's house was because Ex didn't like them. The didn't fit into his decorating scheme and they were old, and mine, so he wouldn't have them there. I love my grandmother very, very much and I am so happy to have her things around me. I've been sleeping under her beautiful bedspread, next to her beautiful boudoir chair. And I got to have a tea party using the beautiful teacups and dessert plates my grandmother used to serve the church ladies at her house on.

I am thankful.

My Sugar

I've been trained that when you ask your partner to do something for you, it doesn't happen. So I became completely self sufficient as a wife, mother, and person. And resentful. I did everything myself. It was easier than being repeatedly rejected. Interestingly, as a spin off of that, I became stronger and independent of ex, all but emotionally. When I was talking to my friends and family about getting divorced, they warned me I would need to get used to doing everything myself. My response? "I've been doing that for twenty years." I'd been doing it, but didn't have the autonomy to make the decisions. I was a good, if grumbling, worker bee.

I was watching my brother and his partner together and I was amazed, as I always am, at how couples that work well together work. I have very little experience with this except within the last two years and so I am learning. And I love to watch. People watching is my favorite.

Shortly after I filed for divorce I was out running errands and I passed a couple that looked to me like they were in their 80's. I watched them walk together for a little while. They were holding hands. I burst into heart wrenching sobs and had to sit in my car until they subsided. That is what part of my plan was when I married ex. To grow old and happy with someone to love, who would love me back unconditionally. I've mentioned this before. Ex never held my hand for longer than he was able to come up with an excuse not to.

ANYWAY, my brother in law asked my brother to turn on some Christmas music. AND HE DID IT. *blink*

This may not be astounding to you, but it is to me. He asked him to do something, and he happily did it! He didn't say, "I'll do it later.", or, "I'll do it in a minute.", or "I can't, I have a dog/cat/plate-of-food/kid on my lap.", or, "I'm tired.", or, "I'm about to do something.", or my all-time favorite, "No."

A little while ago I had two friends, a lovely married couple, over to my house sorting a tea delivery and I smiled as I watched them work together happily. It was wonderful to see them moving around each other comfortably, helping each other with such a simple task.

I find now that when people outside of work ask me to do something for them it triggers me. I find myself feeling resentment automatically before I catch myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm 99% of the time happy to help out and don't actually feel resentment toward the person because I now see it for what it is. It's my problem and I'm better and better all the time. Ironically, when I was asked by ex to help with something it usually entailed me standing around waiting for instructions, doing nothing. Now I end up standing around trying to figure out how I can help, waiting for someone to ask me instead of just jumping in. My comfort zones are constantly ebbing and flowing, and eventually I will be more relaxed. I hope. I'm working on it very hard. Consequently my children don't help me enough because I'm not good at delegating. I'm working hard on that too, especially now that it's just the three of us at home.

That couples help each other is something I've only wondered and daydreamed about. I think I've made my point.

I posted the following tidbit in my private blog last year:

My bf (now partner) and I were chatting back and forth and he told me I was, "Like sugar in the rain.", and I'm still mooning over it and him to this day. He's an amazing man and I adore him.

I've actually talked with people who have said, "Oh, you're THAT couple." That over the moon in love couple.

We also work well together. I can't tell you how many times he's helped me out when I haven't asked him to. He just happily jumps in, smiles at me, and gets to work. If I'm correct, I've rarely ever asked him to do anything for me because it's really hard for me to ask. I've started to experiment with asking him to do things for me and he hasn't turned me down once. Simple things like, would you please hand me that, or would you please rub my foot? His enthusiasm to show me how much he loves me through these small acts of affection totally blow me away and they bring me near tears with the simplicity of the act of asking and receiving. It seems odd to even be writing that something so kind and uneventful would move me that much.

Just the other night we were having dinner out and the server asked if we wanted another drink when our dinners were eaten. My partner turned to me and asked if I'd like another drink. I stammered and asked him what he'd like to do. He immediately turned to the server and told him we needed a few minutes to think about it. I was surprised. I realized that he was giving me time to think about it because he was ok with whatever choice I would make. I told him I would like another drink. Later, when I mentioned it to him he told me he didn't want to choose FOR me, and I thanked him. I was moved and happy.

He holds my hand whenever I want and I am a very, very blessed woman.