I'm Still Around

Not sure how screaming when the water hits your would be feel-good hormones, but he's a doc so you could try it! Maybe it's scream therapy. :)

So I wanted to say HI!, and let you know I'm still around. I've just been busy with life and living it. There is a lot going on and I'm not sure how often I'll update...but when I see blogs that have old dates on them I feel kinda sad, so HI!

I hope that you are working on your journey to health and taking care of yourself like I am trying to.

The Song of Myself

(when I happen to see my changing body in the mirror...or just walk into a different room)

MY WASHER WORKS! Don't know what happened the other day. Maybe it was angry. I wouldn't drain or go behond the agitation cycle. (See? Angry!)

The places on my body that had more weight for the last few years seem to be rather elephant-skin like now.

Hmm. Fat not poofing the skin out as much. Hopefully I won't look like a wrinkly crone before my time.

I'm freeing up the notion of natural beauty I've been working on for some time now. I'm looking at my un-makeupped face differently. I come from a long line of southern women who wouldn't dare leave the house without full makeup, hair, well dressed with a girdle. My mother rebelled and I have followed her, but some things have lingered, like:

My eyes not having mascara or liner looks odd to me. I didn't wear much more makeup than that but I'm looking beyond what I perceive as too pale and short eyelashes, and red toned skin/eyelids.

I'm looking at the color of my eyes and the shape of my brows.

The curve of my cheekbones starting to peek out on my face again and my genetically beautiful skin. I thank my grandmother and my mother for that one. Pretty good for a girl whose skin looked awful as a teenager.

I'm looking at the perky ski slope of my nose.

I'm looking at my legs and starting to see again in my calves the reason I was dubbed "Legs" (during the ZZ Top era) in high school.

I'm looking at the stretch marks on my belly and upper thighs and remembering how happy (and terrified) I was to be pregnant.

I'm looking at my smaller breasts and seeing their full, soft, roundness, as opposed to the backbreaking and ponderous FUN BAGS Ex used to call them. Ex always insisted on calling them The Boys to irritate me, along with a lot of other disrespectful names and comments about my body that caused me to hide it. I stopped wearing shorts or tank tops for years before we divorced. I wore control top pantyhose and girdles and heavy bras to reshape myself into the body he wanted me to have. I would never have left the house bra less or worn a bikini. I wore a lot of uncomfortable clothing to please him, and wore makeup to feel pretty. Dressed the way he thought was sexy.

If you could see me now you'd see that I dress comfortably/eclectically...sort of like a boho-hippie with my own twist, in natural fabrics.

Lots of feelings and new thoughts in my head about my changing body and outlook, and seeing myself through Partner's eyes has never helped me feel more lovely and self confident, even ten lbs ago.

I see the curve of my hip, and my waist reappearing.

I see my hair getting longer the way I've always wanted it.

I feel free and supported to look and feel how I want to look and feel. And the self confidence I used to feel is creeping back as I stop feeding my negative emotions with starch and fat and sugar.

For all Partner's support and encouragement, I adore him more. I sent him this note and he remarked that it was sweet. "The song of yourself."

Thank you for accepting my heart and my body and my mind for what they are even when I didn't.

I am finally becoming me.

I Had a Great Week!

Hi there. My health coach suggested I share this...she is the best cheerleader! I'm feeling great, and pretty! I struggled a little last night because I craved cookie dough. My shameful, go to craving that usually hits me once a month with my hormone levels. I resisted and drank lots of water and read a good book. Distracted myself. My weigh in was great! I've lost ten pounds. My clothes are a bit looser and I have hipbones!

Or...

...life throws a curveball and tells me to wait, be patient, see what happens next. 

And so I am waiting, happily in the moment, trying to focus on now and family and love. 

Son Loves Me

Son has gotten to the point when I say, "I love you.", he says it back. Makes me over the moon happy. He's creeping back. 

Now if we could get him situated in a school and classes where the stress didn't bring his wrath down on his sister and I, that would be great. In the meantime he's at Ex's house doing his thing while we take some time to relax and not fight. 

I'm Not Poly

 One more post today:

Partner and I had a wonderful weekend, and had some quiet time to talk. I think I brought the subject up because I wanted to talk to him about how I felt.

I told Partner that I don't think I was ever, truly, poly. (I wrote about it here and here.) I shared with him that I thought I agreed with Ex to open our marriage and try Polyamory because I was searching for something I wasn't receiving in my marriage.

I was trying to fill the holes in my heart.

It's funny; often when I bring up things to share with Partner, he ends up telling me something that means the world to me. It's like a reward for sharing my thoughts with him.

He told me that he felt exactly the same way. That he doesn't think there would ever be that much room in his heart for someone else, because he loves me so much.

He said exactly what I felt. Then I melted.


I am over the moon in love with this man, and he reminds me why every day with his words and his actions.


To top it off, last night Partner came over after dinner and Kids and I were decompressing after eating together. He and I started playing a game together, sitting on the couch...then Daughter drifted into the room when her homework was finished, and snuggled next to me, then Son came out of his cave to hang out with us too, and ended up snuggling with us on the couch as well. Dogs were up in there too, with Bunny hopping around our feet happily. I looked over at Partner and he was sleepy and happy as I rubbed his feet in between turns in the game, Daughter kissing my cheek, Son showing us the game he was playing on his phone, and Bunny teasing and playing with ADHD Dog when he ventured down off the couch.

I have never been happier, and am succeeding in being present in the moment whenever I can.

What a blessing.

Thank you.

New Theme And Update!

New look! I like to change with the seasons, and it's so abnormally warm here I thought I'd put some blue. Supposed to rain this week though...fingers crossed!

OH! I was going to update in the end of the last post and I forgot:

I came out of my cold/depression haze (though the stupidy cold is still there - I'm losing my voice) and I am feeling a lot better. I just upped my dose of depression meds to where I was supposed to be, and wrapped the people I love around me. That is really hard to do when you're feeling depressed, I know, but my kids are with me every other week so eventually someone is in the house that I have to take care of besides myself. Taking care of my kids makes me very happy because they are old enough now to understand when I'm feeling down and why (Son also suffers from depression, if you recall) and Daughter at the ripe age of almost 12 still (thank you tiny baby jesus) wants to cuddle with me and give me hugs and kisses. And when we are all together we mostly laugh, and argue, negotiate, laugh,  gripe, laugh, sleep, laugh, eat, laugh.

And then there is Partner and Second Daughter and Son, not to mention my friends, which just add to the abundant love that I have surrounded myself with.

I am blessed, and even when I am in the goddamned pit of depression my chemicals heap upon me from time to time, I know this.

Thank you.

I'm So Happy You Called Me Stupid (But If You Do It Again, I'll Beat You With Your Own Arm)

Deer Licks!

Second Son called me stupid last night, with a direct look to see what I would do.

I was ecstatic!

I hugged him and thanked him for it, totally confusing him. He asked me why, and I told him that I was very happy because he trusts me enough to challenge me, without worrying that I will shun him or leave.

He trusts me enough to try to piss me off!

I had this moment with Second Daughter a few months ago when she went all PMS cranky-tyrant, as well as using the PMS excuse on me. I told her it wasn't ok, she didn't HAVE to act that way - that it was a choice, that my feelings were hurt, and then walked away into the other room. It worked out well. She hasn't done it to me since.

I am grateful.

When I explained why I reacted the way I did to Second Son, he had an impish AHA! moment where he told me that he could call me names and get away with it! I firmly told him no (with a hug) that it’s not ok to call ANYONE names and that next time he wouldn’t get the excited treatment, and that I’d tear his arm off and beat him with it. I then pushed him onto the couch face first while holding his arms behind him. We did that joyously for about 5-10 minutes until dinner was ready.

Someday he may realize that everything he's doing has already been done by Son. I'll let him have his moments in the sun for now. :)

"Unmarried to each other"

I am reading a wonderful book called, "Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple", by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.

According to the cohabitation types in the book, Partner and I are a mix of the "Weekend Cohabitation" type (we spend weekends together, when it works out with our kid schedules, then go home to work), "Across Town Cohabitation" (we don't live together, but our relationship has the kind of personal meaning and commitment most people expect from partners who share a living space), and with "Mergers and Acquisitions Cohabitation" thrown in, in that between us we have four children, three dogs, two houses, three cars, one rabbit, one guinea pig, one rat, and two Exes. 

We hope to be able to figure out how to live together sometime in the future in a way that works for everyone...meaning how the hell am I going to sell my half of my house to Ex and move an hour away when my job is already 30 minutes the other direction, and Kids go to school 45 minutes in yet another direction? With 6 years of school left until they are both 18?

Poor Partner drives us everywhere when we're together because I spend the rest of my life driving for hours.

How can we possibly make this happen? Patience, love, hard work, and faith. And fantasies of spending every night cuddled up next to Partner, and every day spent continually in route somewhere or at work.

Sigh.

"On Labeling Women Crazy"

Someday, hopefully, I can be the cat.

A friend of mine posted this article, and it hit a nerve because I read it some time ago when I was going through a similar situation with Ex. I wrote about it here. The difference, I explained to my friend, was that, "he said he loved me, and he was occasionally but rarely there. After ten years I was done. It became my fault in the eyes of everyone, except the few I shared with, after all. It's a powerful article.", "Also, I should add, there was more going on and he never said he was leaving. He expected our lives to just continue that way indefinitely."

Sharing with her triggered me into coming here and reading some of my past posts. I mentioned to her that, "This article pretty much sums up why I'm divorced.", and sent her a link to this blog, which terrifies me. It always does when I "come out" to someone who knew me back then because this blog is the essence of my anger and pain when I was getting divorced. It doesn't matter how strongly I felt when I was writing in anger or tears, it's still terrifying to tell someone about it. It's raw, and it's there, and it's real. More ME than anything I ever said out loud, although now it's a past me, and I'm moving on in a healthy way.

I loved her, and I still do, though I haven't seen her in a very long time, and I worry how she will react to reading all this. As I've said before, the only thing I can control is how I feel and how I react.

 
This blog is creeping out into the world more and more as I reveal it to people I knew then, and Ex and I are tentatively moving toward friendship as time passes so I'd like him to never see this - though having it here, there is always a chance that he will. 

If he does, he does. 

I am able to see glimpses of the man I liked and cared for, and it makes it easier to make peace, forgive, and move on.

My Cinderella Complex

Painting by Lado Tevdoradze

Even though I grew up with The Cinderella Complex on my mother's bookshelf, I still thought marriage was the goal. The answer to being and feeling secure and loved. I have since learned that is not true. I'm still struggling a bit sometimes with that thought process, particularly when I'm feeling insecure, and am trying like hell to cut that cord and continue to reshape what relationships are to me. I like this article because it showed me yet another facet of why my marriage didn't work. (I put Ex and the kids first. Ex put himself first.) But it also reminded me that this works for any relationship that is important and means a lot to me. What I got out of it was this: I am sometimes afraid of not knowing what my future will look like. It's hard for me to feel out of control, though I know the only thing I have control of is how I feel and how I respond. I'm going to try to focus on changing the way I think about patriarchal "rules" and to realize that Partner wants me to be in his life for the rest of ours, no matter how it looks. We get to make our own rules.

Burning Man!

It's time to go home!

I know a lot of people call Burning Man home because there they can truly be themselves. Greeters even say Welcome Home! and hug you when you show up.

 Me, I feel I am myself all the time now so my home is where my kids are, and where Partner and his kids are.

Anyway, I will be away for the next week and a half, burning in the desert heat, and visiting with friends,  witnessing amazing art and music and people and dancing my way across The Playa.

Here are some great videos to give you a feel of what it's like. Contrary to popular belief, it's not a giant drug and alcohol rave in the desert. (Although there are some that come to do that.)

Hula Cam

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

El Pulpo Mechanico

Twin Serpents

Have a great week!

The report? OH! That.

Well, I was overdrawn on my account because the child support check came a week late due to, apparently, the “system being down”. (Ex's HR dept takes it from his paycheck, sends it to the child support people, who then send a check to me, that I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to get to auto deposit in my new account at for a month.) So, lesson learned: Do not budget depending on that check. CHECK. (fuckers)

I have a GIANT credit card debt that I have transferred all of the money to, with the lowest interest rate. Let’s just say I’m at the limit. I haven’t had credit card debt in 20 years. I attribute it to one income, panicky charges early in my separation process thinking I would pay them off as I go, and charges where I HAD to use it because I was learning to budget again and needed gas or food, along with impulse buys. Aside from the fuckery with my child support check this last week, I’ve been doing pretty well. I don’t get my nails done anymore, don’t get my hair colored anymore, I don’t fill my pantry and fridge with food, I just buy as I need it. I don’t shop at malls or department stores anymore, or expensive grocery stores. I don’t use the organic veggie delivery anymore. Basically, I use my money for Netflix, pets, gas, food, and an occasional kid need or treat. Or an occasional treat for myself and Partner when I can, much cheaper than the treats I used to buy myself. And the tail end of my lawyer bill. Oh, and yesterday I lowered my family plan phone payment, and I'm cutting the cable (I don't watch it) in November when the contract is up.

It was hard to get to the point where I know I don’t need very much to be happy. Money ain’t making me happy. I’m looking to my family and Partner and our kids for happy, as well as burning man, and starting to crochet and sew again. Reading novels again. Watching the movies I want to see when I’m alone. Stopping everything I’m doing and looking at and sitting next to Kids, Partner and his Kids, and my friends, giving them my full attention when they’re with me. Spending time with the dogs cuddling (except this week because I’m hormonal and that’s the only time they irritate me. This may be why I engaged Ex in a discussion when I know better. I’ve put a note on my calendar for next month about my period, with the note: DO NOT ENGAGE EX.)

I may outsmart myself.

Also, I scheduled a week of appointments at work this week when the PA was out of town. They told me about it in May, in an email. Seriously, please don’t depend on me to do anything when I’m having a midlife crisis. Last May…never mind. You all know.

The battery powered fan I ordered for our bm (for future reference: bm means Burning Man, not poop) tent was delivered yesterday, then promptly stolen from the front desk area at work (more fuckers - explainable since I work in the mental health industry) before it got to me.

Also, Ex is a nincompoop as I’ve been getting calls from the kids saying they don’t have lunch at school, or they’re going to be kicked out by Friday if they don’t get their shot records to the nurse. I asked Ex if the school knows Son has a learning disability and did they put him in special education for his core classes. His response? “I have no idea.” Stuff I’ve been scrambling to take care of because I left everything school related up to him to organized for the first time in the children’s lives. And this year they are both in brand new schools. It’s made me feel angry and resentful, and melancholy about not being there to help them on the big first day of school Monday. When I tried to, gently and kindly, talk to Ex about being sensitive to Son and take care of things like I would try to do with Kids (I didn’t say it that way. That would be just asking for trouble.) he got offended and told me I never had a father figure so don’t accuse him of being a bad father, and that if we wanted to be friends I needed to back off because he’s a good dad and I should know that. I reminded him that Son has a learning disability and a mental health diagnosis and that we need to take care in how we talk to him and guide him, just as the counselors have told us since Son was 6. Ex accused me of “putting labels” on Son and that he, Ex, doesn’t do that. 

Blah-de-blah-de-blah. Same 'ole shite.

Ex got a son with special needs instead of the son that he wanted, and I think he’s still in denial. The same argument we’ve been having for 15 years. I know better than to argue with him, it kills me that I can’t protect them from him and really, I may not need to. I just hope he’s a better father now than he was when we were married.

Ex has been peppering me with texts, day and night, all week, with everything from how I should run my house to the better benefit of Kids this school year to where I should drop Son off when I take him to school next week because it’s the best option. He’s driving me up the fucking wall.

But mixed in have been lovely moments like the bat walk tour I went on with Partner, his Daughter, and Son, Monday night, and heart-melting moments when they told me they see me as their second mom. Also, seeing a girlfriend briefly last night when I went over to load my bm stuff into another friend's truck, and Kids calling me randomly last night at 10:30pm to ask me what my middle name was (apparently there was some debate) and making me laugh.

So it hasn’t been a total loss, just a mix. And I handled it all well, mixed with expletives, and occasional grumpy behavior. I am still happy. (Plus the check came yesterday just in time for my needed tank of gas, and my new checking account mobile deposits it instantly, unlike the old one - that rhymes with Bells Dargo - who holds it for 2 days. Fuckers.)

Hey, guess what? I talked with my doctor, and she agreed that it’s ok for me to not refill my Prozac, and that my dose was so low I don’t need to titrate down. My last pill will be taken next Tuesday night…

I leave for bm a week from Sunday. I think vacation with friends and the love of my life is a good idea right after stopping an antidepressant, so that works out well.

Thanks for reading.

Changing My Thoughts

I have been busting my behind to change my negative thoughts, and I think I'm doing a great job. I've been practising yoga again and trying to meditate, though the meditation bit has been really difficult. It's hard enough to quiet my mind, but do you know how hard it is to meditate when you've got one dog trying to lick your face, another putting his paw on you so you'll pet him, and a rabbit sitting on your belly? Ayup. Not easy. I'll keep at it. I'm experimenting with ways to sit or lay so I don't get too cold or my leg falls asleep.

It's very sweet that my mother and Partner know that when I spend long periods of time alone, that my thoughts have turned ugly and mean, and I can be extremely unkind to myself. Partner has been away with his kids for over a week, and it's making me a little nutty. I miss him being around and realize that I have become so comfortable with him (which is so great!) that I've started to take him for granted. Not in negative ways, but in my head. 

Tell the people you care about that you love them. Hug them. Love up on them. Make sure they know. Everything can change in a heartbeat.

Anyhoo, mom and Partner have asked me here and there how I'm doing when they know I'm alone. It is so thoughtful and caring it makes me tear up. 

I am blessed.

I am being 99% kind to myself...nobody is perfect. 

On Getting Married or The Wedding I Didn't Want or Labels or Whackadoo Tangent Post

(This is my assumed response from you, reading this whackadoo post.)

An acquaintance just announced on Facebook that she is engaged to be married, and has asked for advice. I am excited for her and gave her some, even though she pointed her request at the married ladies. Not thinking, I posted my advice before remembering that I'm newly divorced. 

Force of habit, I guess. 

My identity is still sorting itself out, apparently, even though I feel clear on who and where and what I am...or maybe I'm blurred, which is where I really prefer to be. Blurry feels comfortable. 

That way, I can be whatever I want.

The advice I gave her was this:

"Oh my goodness. First, congratulations! Next, I was anxious too. I had a lot of pressure as well, and caved and didn't really have the event I truly wanted (but that was the nature of my personality and relationships, and not yours). It's seen as a big deal by lots of people, but is your party. You can go to the courthouse or have eleventy-billion people. Your choice. My challenges were my intractable fiance and my pushy mil. I had twice as many people as I wanted and lots of details that I didn't want as well. I had a pushy bridesmaid too, who influenced my choices. If I had to do it all over, I'd have about 20 people. Close family and friends, an oak tree, a simple, matching ring, a red dress, and my guy. That's it. The bottom line is, make it what you want. If you want nothing, just sign the paper. If you want a big deal, make a big deal!", and then added, "Oop! Also, remember that it doesn't matter how it goes: If you end up married, it went well! (Also, I'm newly divorced but I still put my input here.)"

Which led me to thinking about how I used to feel more comfortable with labels and a slots to fit into:

Married, mother, poly, open marriage, codependent, needy, patient, daughter, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, sister in law, woman, wife, lover, highlighted blond, curvy, big boobed, borderline overweight, wrinkling, girly, self medicating, spacey, kind, helpful, doormat, cousin, stretch marks, high maintenance, conservatively-classically dressed, private, introverted, shy, chapstick obsessed, lazy...

I could keep going on but I just got bored of it.

The point is, I put all these labels on myself (with the help of society and Ex and the other unhelpful people in my life) and fit myself into them one way or another. 

And before I make my next point, let me say that I hate it when people get all lathered up about how labels ruin us and everything and society, though I use them on myself...

I met a woman who, when I asked if she was a vegetarian (we were eating together in a restaurant with some kids and friends), replied that she didn't like labels, that she ate what she was comfortable putting in her body, and then when she realized she had just drunk cold water, that she hadn't drunk cold water for years, then she wondered out loud what it would do to her body.

...

Holy crap.

I can only say here that I hope the look on my face in response didn't match my thoughts, which can be described in a typed action: 

*blink*     or 

O_o         or  

WTF??

Did I make my point? I'm laughing at myself and my tangents now. 

Labels have a place if you are comfortable with them. I've found recently that I'm not comfortable anymore in the labels I wrapped around myself like a shield. In my redefinition I have chosen some new labels for myself (paradoxically) and if I think about them they are:

Divorced, earth mother, in a relationship, open minded, non-judgemental, daughter, sister, woman, Partner, sensitive, patient, lover, blond going gray, beautiful, curvy, self accepting, mostly vegetarian, kind, helpful, cousin, niece, curly haired, natural, chapstick obsessed, burner, organic, re-purposing, recycling...and I got bored again of thinking of things to describe myself but I sound sort of like a hippy - which is where I have leaned my whole life but didn't feel comfortable in THAT label either.

Back to the Facebook response post I started with. I am sorting out my new life and my new identity, and am having a great time doing it, even though it sometimes feels scary as hell. I feel free and totally me for the first time, probably, in my entire life. I owe it to myself, my children, the lessons I've learned, turning 45 (which I did last weekend), and Partner and our blended family, without whom all of this would have happened very differently, but nonetheless it would have happened.

I am brave, I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am loved.

The real point is now I'm ME, goddammit.

Thank you Universe, for all of it.

On This Day, The Day I Celebrate My Mother...

(I am the queen today.)

Normal Life. Is That What This Is?

I started to write a little bit about this here, and wanted to write a little more.

Last Friday night Partner and I took Kids to see a movie. They had both seen it, but wanted to watch me see it. It absolutely terrified me and I loved it. What is it about me that I love apocalypse movies? Whether zombies, god and the devil, or tectonics and space, I love them.

I spent Saturday doing laundry and puttering around my house, recharging and getting stuff done. Partner went out to do his thing then came back in the afternoon, and we went out and wandered around looking in art galleries and listening to live music. We drank beer and looked at vendors and had dinner in a wonderful little (hot and sweaty) place I had been to once before. We wandered home and fell asleep like two happy old people. Woke up Sunday and he mowed my lawns while I battled his electric edger, having to turn it off and take it apart to pull more plastic cord out. Then he made brunch while I folded laundry and did more chores. Then he vacuumed my whole house, better than I ever have, while I scrubbed the bathrooms.

When Partner originally asked me what I was doing that weekend I told him I had the kids and that I had a lot of chores to do that I had put off. He said, “I’ll come see you.”, and then proceeded to help me get them done quickly and efficiently, then we drove all over running my errands and his, like a real couple. We shopped, bought bunny hay, rented a movie and hit a wine barn place. Then we went home and he did research for a project and I read my book, happily recharging my batteries in the same room with him. Later I made dinner and we watched the movie we rented. Monday morning we got ready for work and Son wandered in and started to turn on the TV when Partner engaged him in a strategy game while I got ready for work. I left them there playing as I drove to work.

I can’t tell you how weird it is to willingly run all over the place at home and out in the world with a person who is amicable, flexible, funny, and helpful, and to know that this person cares deeply for me and my kids and helps in any way he can with them too.

I also know that this kind of detail can be boring, but for me it’s very exciting and novel. I don’t remember EVER doing this much and having so much fun doing it with any partner or bf I’ve ever had.

EVAR.

I was talking to my brother about it and he told me that hearing that I was having a normal life now was refreshing.

Huh.

Is THAT what this is?

When I’m at Partner's house we do the same sort of stuff with me occasionally 'hiding' in his room if his Ex is there because, for chrissake, there is only so much negativity I can take before I flee behind a closed door. It works out because Partner totally gets it and his kids come in and see me. His Son climbs up into my lap to cuddle, telling me I’m the best cuddler he has ever met.

Damned straight, I am.

I Make Up Stuff To Worry About

This is the report on Kid's reaction to me changing back to my maiden name:

Me:
"Hey, I need to talk you both about something that is not really a big deal, but I wanted to tell you before you heard it somewhere else..."

Son:
*making random noises as he plays his game*

Daughter:
"Ok."

Me:
"Son, please pause for a minute."

Son:
*pauses and picks up his phone*

Me:
*takes a deep breath*
"I am changing my name back to my maiden name. The name I had before I married your dad. Since we're divorced, I thought I'd like to just have my name back."

Son:
*finally looks at me, and pauses, thinking*

Daughter:
"Ok Mom."

Son:
"Can I show you something?"
*starts messing around with his game again*

Me:
"Yes, but wait...pause. Please listen. Does it feel weird to have a different last name from mine?"

Son:
"No."

Daughter:
"No. That was your name before."

Me:
*blinks*

Son:
"Can I show you now?"
*turns back to TV and starts chattering away, smiling*


I made a mountain out of a molehill again. I love my kids.

Goddamned Help

My friend is in a wheelchair. I can't tell you how hard I tried not to feel that way, but she wigged me out for a very long time.

She's taught me many lessons about help, inadvertently.

She came to burning man last year and I got to know her. We have a mutual group of friends and I see her at a big event every summer and during the holidays, and I talk to her on Facebook sometimes.

Last spring she and a lover of hers camped at Partner's house as they passed through. She was born with twisted hands and I don't think I've ever seen her feet but, now that I think about it, I think I remember that she doesn't have feet. Her power chair is pretty quick and she has a service dog who is sweet as pie, he is. And huge.

Anyway, she asked me for help whenever I saw her and I think it's because she saw me noticing her. She asks for help a lot (Actually I don't know if that's true. To me it looks like a lot but I'm impaired about help. Plus, we usually see each other at events where she/people need/give help.) and chatted with me once about how hard that used to be for her. 

'That' being asking for help. I can relate.

The guys lift her wheelchair in and out of cars for her or over a threshold, and occasionally she'll ask for a ride to an event. They steady her while she powers up plywood homemade ramps into houses. At burning man last year she asked me to help her get the homemade shower ready for her and to help her with some of her costumes. She has trouble with zippers. Her dog followed another male dog around at the summer event, clearly smitten. I've seen Partner lift her onto couches from her chair. She told me he's one of the few she trusts to do that because she knows he won't drop her. And that he's strong enough. I fell in love with him, harder, last summer. I also watched, horrified, as he gave her unholy crap about something. I held my breath, afraid to laugh, until I saw her bust into guffaws. My relief was palpable. I don't know why I feared she would be immune or offended by his snark and sarcasm. I asked him about it later. He basically said that he didn't care if she was in a wheelchair, she was going to get the same heckling everyone else did. Why should he be careful? It made me pause.

Why indeed?

Now whenever I see her I go up and say hello. I sit down next to her and pet her dog and ask how she is. I ask if I can help her and 9 times out of ten she accepts my help and thanks me.

I believe she's a public speaker and advocate. I need to ask her about that because I'm curious.

She's funny. She's smart and she's beautiful. She's my friend.

My mom, talking to me about a man she saw refusing wheelchair help, got me thinking about my friend. Sometimes we need help and when you let people help you, your life is easier.

Partner and my friend have taught me a lot about asking for and accepting help. I still get squicky when Partner leaps out of my bed on a Saturday morning and mows my lawn. Last weekend he vacuumed my house better than I've ever done it, while I scrubbed the bathrooms. The squick time is fleeting now because at one point he questioned me about it. He likes to help. He wants to help. He loves me and wants to do things for me. I feel the same way about helping him so I've relaxed a lot.

Am I so fucking undeserving of help or did I get used to Ex refusing to help me? I believe I already had the proud disposition, and that made the difficult interactions in my marriage harder.

Easier Said Than Done, But I'm Trying!

Tips for a Stunning Life 

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant. 

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 

3. When you wake up in the morning ask the universe's guidance. 

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds. 

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 

7. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card. 

9. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. 

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.

11. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

12. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 

13. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present. 

14. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’ 

17. Help the needy, be generous, be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

19. Time heals everything. 

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

21. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. 

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 

23. Each night before you go to bed be thankful for what you accomplished.

24. Remember that you are blessed and try not to be stressed.