Astounding Father's Day Assholeyness

 

Ex texted me on Thursday and asked me to make sure the kids do something for him for Father's Day.

...

Are you kidding me? What. The. Hell. The unmitigated GALL was what was astounding to me.

I suppose that if you did this thinking that it makes you The BEST DAD AND EX HUSBAND EVER I can see how you would expect your ex wife to make sure your kids do something for you for Father's Day.

Asshole. Unbelievable. 

I am so mad thinking about it I don't even know what to type, so I'll make a list here of what I think a real father is (In some instances quoted from here. I love this woman's blog and she inspires much of my writing.), and a father deserving respect on Father's Day. 

I'm not a big practitioner of commericalized holidays anymore, because I think my kids shouldn't feel obligated to make a big, expensive production out of it. A hug and a kiss will do nicely, thank you. An 'I love you' and a relaxing day enjoying my kids and counting my blessings would have been the perfect day. So that's what I try to do.

What Makes A Man A Parent:

A man is not a father if he supports them financially but tears them down emotionally.

A man is not a father if he chooses to treat his children’s mother any other way than respectfully, honorably and valuably.  Lying, demeaning, threatening, degrading, terrorizing and ruining her self-esteem are examples of what NOT to do if you want to call yourself a parent. This is the secondary reason I am divorced. The main reason is that Ex was treating Son that way, and to a lesser extent, Daughter.

A man cannot call himself a father if he only puts the amount of effort into parenting that he feels he is willing to. Ex put so little effort into parenting when we were married that most of the time I felt like a single mother.  If you are actually doing it correctly, parenting is a hard, 24 hour a day, 7 day a week, thankless, sacrificial job.

A man cannot call himself father if he lies about their mother, either to his children or to anyone else (lord knows what he told his family and everyone he knows).  Doing so not only damages the children, it is an act of immaturity and vindictiveness.

My children are coming to see Partner as their stepfather, because he shows them more kindness and unconditional love than their biological father ever has. Partner plays with them, respects their feelings and preferences, talks to them as though they were smart individuals with valid ideas and opinions, and shows their mother more respect and unadulterated love than they saw their father ever give me. 

EVER.

I also see that Partner's children care for me. I love them very much and spending weekends with them when my kids are with Ex makes me very happy. What makes me even more happy is when we spend weekends altogether in a big group like we did when we went to the river a few weekends ago.

The distance between our houses (we go back and forth whenever possible) makes it difficult to do more together, but we plan to remedy that in the future. We're building a future together slowly but surely, as my kids are still getting used to our whole situation.

Ex is incapable of really being the kind of parent my children deserve. I'm letting it go. I've found others to help fill the void including friends, family, and Partner, who has supported us through the end of the worst time of our lives.

I couldn't mold my abuser into the parent my children deserve. I've finally accepted that I can never change Ex, and that I can never truly protect my children when they are with him. They are smart, sensitive and loving people. They will have their relationship with him however it turns out and I will always be there to love and support them in the ways that he does not, will not, and cannot.

I can't fix their loss, but I can encourage them and watch them bloom.