New Theme And Update!

New look! I like to change with the seasons, and it's so abnormally warm here I thought I'd put some blue. Supposed to rain this week though...fingers crossed!

OH! I was going to update in the end of the last post and I forgot:

I came out of my cold/depression haze (though the stupidy cold is still there - I'm losing my voice) and I am feeling a lot better. I just upped my dose of depression meds to where I was supposed to be, and wrapped the people I love around me. That is really hard to do when you're feeling depressed, I know, but my kids are with me every other week so eventually someone is in the house that I have to take care of besides myself. Taking care of my kids makes me very happy because they are old enough now to understand when I'm feeling down and why (Son also suffers from depression, if you recall) and Daughter at the ripe age of almost 12 still (thank you tiny baby jesus) wants to cuddle with me and give me hugs and kisses. And when we are all together we mostly laugh, and argue, negotiate, laugh,  gripe, laugh, sleep, laugh, eat, laugh.

And then there is Partner and Second Daughter and Son, not to mention my friends, which just add to the abundant love that I have surrounded myself with.

I am blessed, and even when I am in the goddamned pit of depression my chemicals heap upon me from time to time, I know this.

Thank you.

I'm So Happy You Called Me Stupid (But If You Do It Again, I'll Beat You With Your Own Arm)

Deer Licks!

Second Son called me stupid last night, with a direct look to see what I would do.

I was ecstatic!

I hugged him and thanked him for it, totally confusing him. He asked me why, and I told him that I was very happy because he trusts me enough to challenge me, without worrying that I will shun him or leave.

He trusts me enough to try to piss me off!

I had this moment with Second Daughter a few months ago when she went all PMS cranky-tyrant, as well as using the PMS excuse on me. I told her it wasn't ok, she didn't HAVE to act that way - that it was a choice, that my feelings were hurt, and then walked away into the other room. It worked out well. She hasn't done it to me since.

I am grateful.

When I explained why I reacted the way I did to Second Son, he had an impish AHA! moment where he told me that he could call me names and get away with it! I firmly told him no (with a hug) that it’s not ok to call ANYONE names and that next time he wouldn’t get the excited treatment, and that I’d tear his arm off and beat him with it. I then pushed him onto the couch face first while holding his arms behind him. We did that joyously for about 5-10 minutes until dinner was ready.

Someday he may realize that everything he's doing has already been done by Son. I'll let him have his moments in the sun for now. :)

It Got Ahold Of Me Again

Couldn't get myself to work today. I decided not to go because I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to get up. Kept falling asleep. Don't feel good. Sneezing and coughing and stuffy nose. I could have gone to work but headache and depression bogging me down too. I rarely stay home from work so I'm fighting guilt. I colored my hair again last night and am second guessing it, not being nice to myself. I'm going to be ok, I just need to sit here I guess and contemplate all these things and whether or not I should double my antidepressant to where doc said I should be. I'm only taking half of what was prescribed because that seems to work. I've been drinking alone lately too and need to think about why and stop again. I know it's self medicating and I need to cook something good for me and start exercising regularly again. I know how to take care of myself I've just not been doing it very well lately. I'll give myself today to be in a slump and then pull myself together tomorrow and go to work.

It's funny. I have all the sympathy in the world for people who suffer from depression, but when it's me I give myself time limits and rules.

Not so funny, actually, but interesting.

I Hate Money

Aanndd...there you have it. Turns out I received more money than I remembered last year and I need to pay it back with this fucking tax amendment...but it also means that Ex has to pay too, which still means he screwed up his W-2, therefore screwing both of us.

Why can't we just barter like we use to? I need to go to the doctor so I give him a chicken for his services. My friend needs some help with painting her house so I help, then she helps me build a fence.

What happened?

Grrr.

I should say that I could get some help building a fence, but that would require money. That I don't have.

I hate money. And I hate being financially connected to Ex.

Hmm...seems I went off on a tangent. This year is the year to get disconnected in all but coparenting with him. But my mortgage is cheaper than rent, and I live an hour away from Partner, and my kid's schools are thirty minutes from my house AND job.

ACK.

I just want so peace. Please. Peace of mind, quiet, boring family evenings with the people I love without driving for hours and hours to make it happen.

Maybe it's time for a therapist again.

I'm all over the place today.

Thanks for listening to my whine.

"His Dark Words Took Up Residence Inside My Head"

 (My New Year Resolution)

This post is a little bit cheaty, but hey - it's my blog and I have lots to say today...third post I've written! (I spread them out so as not to overwhelm you with my fabulousness.)

I read this today and it moved me, as I always am when I read about an experience similar to mine. Interestingly it did not trigger me, as such things used to. I must be healing!

Woohoo!

I gave Ex a lot of power over me in the past and it's fascinating to note that even though I OWE THE IRS $2,500, it feels ok because I am rid of him taxwise and never have to deal with his tax bullshit again.

Did I say Woohoo?!

Anyway, enjoy the article. I hope that someday we will all are free of being triggered by our Exes.

Thanks for listening.