Domestic Violence Information

Empowerment

(click it)

My warning signs were as follows:

2. Controlling Behavior: At the onset of the relationship, the abuser will say that this behavior is because of concern for their partner's safety, or to guide them in good decision-making and time management.
Signs: Closely questions everything their partner does. He never allowed me to make personal decisions about the house, but my clothing and/or other things, if he didn't like my choices, we would 'discuss' why his ideas 'made more sense'. 

3. Fast Moving Relationships: Many domestic violence survivors dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or started living together.
Signs: Relationship starts like a whirlwind, "love at first sight". Excessive flattery such as "you're the only person I can talk to" and "I love you more than anyone in the world". Abusive partner may state they need someone desperately. Pressure for commitment. We moved in together after knowing each other six months.

4. Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive partners are dependent on relationships for all of their needs; this is not healthy. No relationship is perfect and no one person can realistically be there "all the time."
Signs: Expects partner to be a perfect partner/spouse, parent, lover, and friend. Expects partner to take care of everything emotionally for them. Expects their partner to perform all household tasks.

5. Isolation: The abuser tries to cut-off resources in effort to remove opportunities for escape and systems of support. Without supportive friends with which to "trouble talk" about relationships, it can be hard to recognize signs of abuse. Resources include work or school, transportation, family and friends.
Signs: He allowed me friends but he badmouthed the ones he didn't approve of, telling me in detail what he thought was wrong with them until I couldn't take it anymore and stopped seeing them; these relationships are viewed as unfaithful. Friendships are ridiculed or sabotaged. He listened in on my conversations with my family and it was difficult to speak my  mind when he was listening, so I didn't talk to them on the phone very much. Moves away from partner's family and friends. 

6. Blames Others for Problems: Abusers do not take responsibility for any negative situation; instead they will find someone else or some external factor to blame for the problem.
Signs: Mistakes are the fault the partner. Irresponsibility. Chronic unemployment. Says, "Someone is always doing me wrong" or "out to get me". Says their partner (or kids) upsets them or keeps them from concentrating. Abuser blames their partner (or kids) for practically anything and everything that goes wrong.

8. Hypersensitivity: Abusers can be extra sensitive and may explode when they suspect an attack.
Signs: Easily insulted. Claims feeling "hurt" when really feels anger. Takes the slightest set back as personal attacks. Will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are really just part of living like being asked to help with chores. He was so Sybil-like that I was constantly worried he'd blow up at any moment. I walked on eggshells 24 hours a day.

9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: Someone who punishes children and or animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. This is a red flag warning and a message that they could hurt people too.
Signs: Expects children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (always with our son, in everything). Hurts or abuses animals. He would scream at our dogs when they barked and shove them away from him. Teases children until they cry. He still does this to Daughter, to my knowledge. He used to do it to me too. Does want children to eat at the table (Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a little boy with ADHD to sit at a dinner table without getting up?) or expects them to stay in their room all evening away from adults. (This was their consequence when he was annoyed with Kids.) 

11. Verbal Abuse: Abuse is not only physical. Abusers will often criticize and demean their partners.
Signs: Says cruel and hurtful things. Constantly degrades their partner. Curses. Very critical about everything. When I would complain about my job being stressful that day, he would tell me he thought it was time for me to think about finding another job. It was scary because I like my job...I just need to vent sometimes.

13. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: This is a reference to a fictional character that had both a "good" and "evil" side.
Signs: Sudden changes in mood, a "roller coaster of emotions." Explosiveness. One-minute the abuser is nice and the next minute there is an explosion. I never, ever knew what I was going to get when he walked though the door.

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: Used as a punishment, to terrorize and threaten the partner into submission.
Signs: We were outside in the backyard arguing once and he started tearing the wooden gate down. Kicking and pulling at it, until he tore it completely off the hinges. I liked that gate.

17. Force during an Argument: Arguments and discussions are a natural part of all relationships, but force or restraint changes an ordinary argument into possible abuse.
Signs: Cornering partner against a wall. He would back me into a space where I felt trapped and couldn't get out. I've talked in previous posts about him following me all over while I try to get him out of my personal space.

So those are some warning signs that I had and didn't see for what they were. How would I have known? I didn't even know I was being abused.

EDIT: I Was Wrong

Not every man I've dated has abused me. I'd have to say that any long term man I've ever dated has abused me. I've had long distance love affairs and short dating stints with some very kind men. None of them lasted for various reasons.

One of them was so angry at the ex-wife he was still living with that it started to make me wonder how someone so kind to me could be so frighteningly violent when talking about his ex and other women. It was worrisome. It also contributed to my trigger of feeling whorish because we always met in a hotel or hung out in my car. Ick.

One long term love affair was one of the most gentle and adoring men I've ever met, but broke up with me because he didn't feel he could honestly deal with my being poly, which upset me but I could understand completely.

One of them was very sweet but so very insecure, hid me from his family and friends, and only ever wanted to hang out at his house. It was humiliating and he needed so much reassurance from me, that I started to feel like I had another child.

One of them was very courtly and old school: he always opened doors for me and was very respectful in public. It was quite refreshing as this is one of the highest forms of feeling respected for me. My family is from the south. Sue me. It's just that he wanted to talk to me about sex all the time, constantly. He kept sending me pictures of himself and tried to get me to participate in sexting every day. It got annoying and completely made me feel like a whore.

As you can see, I didn't stick around a very long time to continue with the relationships above.

The point is, I can't say with a blanket statement that every man I ever dated abused me.

My Abusive Men

To preface this little tidbit of my personal life with Partner I'm about to share with you, I need to say that I was thinking about it over the weekend and had another epiphany. I realized that every man I've ever dated (except for Partner) has abused me in one way or another. Whether it be a teen aged boyfriend who lied to me repeatedly (when I was a teenager, perverts), an early 20's boyfriend who picked on me mercilessly for four years, two college boyfriends who repeatedly cheated on me, or Ex who abused me for two decades.

Partner asked me if I wanted a back rub.

*blink*

Asked ME. I didn't ask him. Out of the blue. He just...ASKED ME.

This may not seem odd to you, but it sure as hell was to me.

Things got busy and distracted (kids, dogs, chickens, life) and we fell asleep before I got the chance to take him up on it. When we woke up the next day he said, "Are you ready for that back rub now?" I melted inside, and couldn't stop smiling. As he was rubbing my back and I was trying not to drool on the pillow, I kept expressing my gratitude over and over. He finally said something like (I can't be expected to remember what he said exactly. That was MONDAY.), "So, you're thanking me for offering to rub your back, and then following through with what I said I would do?", I opened my eyes to see the impish grin I adore, realizing what I'd been doing (thanking him, repeatedly) and said earnestly, "I'm not accustomed to that." He laughed, kissed me and said, "Touche."

Who's Going To Help Me?

In researching getting help for my abuse, I've discovered that there are a lot of resources (still not enough however) for survivors of violence, but not many for emotional abuse. I've called WEAVE and My Sister's House and I'm going to go through the intake process for both, I think, and see which works best for me. Those are the two of the resources that people have suggested.

I think I mentioned I started taking Prozac (fluoxetine) over the long weekend and it's not supposed to be working yet, though there are mixed accounts. I'm not sure if it's a placebo affect and I'm just feeling better because I'm actively looking to help myself and improve my thinking processes, or if my epiphany is what helped me feel calm enough to not sob uncontrollably when I called the resources for help.

I discovered that I was obsessing over my realization that I had been abused. I was angry. Not angry, I was filled with hate and self loathing. How could I let him do that to me for so long? How could I stay when he was so cruel to Son? How could I stay and let Daughter see him treat me that way? That's a horrible example for Kids. How could I let anyone treat me that way?

I am trying so hard to forgive myself. I hate him. I hate him and what he's done to me and Kids. I have never felt hate like this before and forgiving him is a hell of a long way off...and yet I still know that's where I want to be...at the very least I want to feel indifference when I think of Ex. Hate will fill you up and destroy you. I've been suffering and it's time to start letting those emotions go.

I've put off talking to my family and making self help calls because, god forbid, I fall apart publicly. One of my downfalls. DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS WHERE THEY CAN SEE YOU. Jesus. What on earth...but I know what happened to me. I hide my pain for a few reasons: one, it's not helpful for my children to see their mother falling apart, two, I'll be damned if that fucker (Ex) will ever see me weak again, and three, well, I don't ever want to appear weak to anyone, particularly anyone who could do anything to make me look weak or incapable of caring for myself or my children. I prefer to fall apart in private with my dogs. I have shared that part of me with Partner, and he has held me and encouraged me so many times now. He loves me unconditionally and non-judgementally, so I can feel safe falling apart with him. Showing him the true me. I am so thankful for him, and blessed.

He is the best man that ever walked into my life.

Wow. Babbling. The point is, I am seeking out help for myself again and pulling myself up by the bootstraps. Again. Because that's what I do. Fall apart, and pull myself together again.

Silence Does Not Mean Consent

I spent so much time silent. Not one fucking minute more.

Mind you, I'm not going to run through the streets announcing my issues. They can kiss my behind. But I'm going to try not to isolate when I feel down anymore. I need to stop medicating with food and alcohol. My pants are too tight and that's pissing me off too.

I am so filled with hate for Ex. It pisses me off because I want to feel indifferent. If I'm pissed, he's still affecting me.

I think I need to try anti-depressants. I couldn't go to work one day last week, and that's never happened to me before. I was crying too hard to get out of bed.

I'm also looking into contacting Weave to get a recommendation for a group that would be helpful. I can't find a suitable group through my health insurance. They have groups for women who have personally suffered violence, and for depression. I am depressed, I know that. I need more. I need support for my abuse.

A friend of mine asked me if I thought there was a euphoric period after starting divorce proceedings, for a while, and then a crash. She was in a similar situation. I told her yes, that I thought that's what's happening to me.

At least I THINK that's what's happening to me. I'm pretty self aware most of the time. 

I have horrible guilt about staying in the relationship that long. I stayed and he abused Son. Horrible guilt. I can't help thinking that if I'd gotten out sooner that Son would have fewer mental health issues. I'll never know. 

I spoke with my mother on the phone last night. She asked me some hard questions, and for that I am grateful. I told her about my guilt, and she asked me if he'd ever hurt Daughter. I told her no, and the unequal treatment of my sensitive, loving, funny son enrages me too. My mother, in all her wisdom, told me that he never hurt Daughter because she's not a disappointment to him. That made me cry. Son is a disappointment to Ex. It broke my heart when I discovered that.

A coworker of mine says that was when I was codependent, and that I can't judge myself too harshly. All I can do is stand up for myself now. Speak my peace and take care of myself and my kids.

I seem to have fallen off the Take Care Of Myself wagon. I'm heading to Partner's house tonight to cuddle and laugh. That always helps.