Or...

...life throws a curveball and tells me to wait, be patient, see what happens next. 

And so I am waiting, happily in the moment, trying to focus on now and family and love. 

It's Time To Make A Huge Change

I need to move. I need to get off my ass and stop avoiding selling this house with Ex. I need to stop fearing the pain in the ass of dealing with him (again) and get together to put the house on the market.

I want to be with Partner all the time.

I'm scared because it's a big change, and so many things can go wrong or change in a short period of time.

I will also probably need to leave the job I love because where I want to live is too far to commute for a sane person.

Let me clarify:

Every friend I have in this area where I live works in my office. If I move, I won't see them every workday anymore. I love the feeling I get of having helped people we serve at the end of the day. My job is hard (emotionally) but easy to do. (I can do admin work with my eyes closed.) I could do without the constant battle of dealing with emotionally distraught people when I am just trying to get out of bed in the morning to deal with my own, albeit mostly happy, life. I could do with working in a different field. I've been told (*eyes Partner*) that I don't make very much money, but it's more money than I've ever made and I can pay my bills. I have benefits and a 401K.

AND:

I have no future or the hope of any kind of cost of living increase or promotion. There's no money in working for a nonprofit and nowhere to go UP. (Not that I want to. I'm happy working for someone I like.) It takes me 30-45 minutes to get to and from this job that is only 15-20 mins from my house. I am constantly at risk of someone going berserk, and something stressful or potentially dangerous happening (though the odds are low), or someone triggering me and making me cry.

It happens

The point is, it's time to move on. To start the new life I want, and that means a new house where Partner Kids, and Karma Kids and I can be together, and a new job.

I'll still need to drive a ways to get the kids to school, but I have to do what I have to do. I will figure out how to make it work.

I know that if I can leave an abusive marriage and coparent with my abuser, I'm brave enough to sell a house with him and change my job. It will be one less thing that connects me to him.

Ack. Scary!

Jesus...whew. *deep breath*

Let's do this.

I Internalize Things

Let's talk.

If something happens to me I don't usually talk about it, and I just let all of the things build inside of me until I reach a breaking point. I know I should open up about whatever I'm feeling, regardless of how much "I just don't want to get into it" or "I don't feel like talking." 

Speak up and tell your story. Express yourself.

I'm trying to take my own advice but the I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT gets me every time.

Dammit.

Son Loves Me

Son has gotten to the point when I say, "I love you.", he says it back. Makes me over the moon happy. He's creeping back. 

Now if we could get him situated in a school and classes where the stress didn't bring his wrath down on his sister and I, that would be great. In the meantime he's at Ex's house doing his thing while we take some time to relax and not fight. 

What Depression Feels Like

 Hyperbole and a Half

Though mine never quite gets beyond the sobbing, curled up in a ball, with or without alcohol in hand (mostly without, because I don't allow myself to drink alone anymore) at its worst, and a vague feeling of being uncomfortable or bored, and slightly frustrated and unsure of how to label how I feel, at best. Mostly I'm ok 90% of the time. But this lady is brilliant in her writing and description about depression.